advice for bedsharing « Back to Group Discussions

[lulubikes]

Hi Mamas -

I also posted this in the family bed forum, but am curious about your experience and advice. This is my first baby and will definitely be cosleeping. I'm leaning towards bedsharing and want some advice from familys with experience! I've read the official bed-sharing safety rules. Honestly the seem a little over the top to me. I'm wondering how bedsharing with a newborn worked for you.

Things I'm thinking of - do we really need to put our bed on the floor and up against a wall?

I like my fluffy down comforter and my pillows - where will the baby go? Do I have to get rid of them?

Does the baby go under or on top of the blankets?

What does the baby sleep in (clothing, sleep sack, swaddled, other?)

My DH would like to get a co-sleeper and I'm thinking it might be nice to have, but I'd rather have the baby closer.

DH is worried about there being room in the bed (we have a queen and our room isn't big enough for a larger bed).

Your experience and advice is much appreciated!

[hotsauce]

I used one of the tiny co-sleeper things that fits right in the bed with you.  We had a King so we put it in between us with DS in a sleepsack for easy night time diaper changes.  I had the changing table right next to my side with diapers, etc, and also a huge glass of water for me/ clean sleepsacks just in case, nipple cream, anything else we might need.  DS would wake up and nurse then I'd lay him back down in his sleeper and pass back out.  We used the co-sleeper until between 4 and 5 months when he was big enough to nap on the bed with a rolled up blanket behind him to prevent him from rolling off the bed.  By 6 months we were bedsharing.  He never fell off the bed and I was always hyper aware of him so never really worried about him suffocating, also at that time it was early fall so we weren't into comforter season anyway.  This time I plan to buy an arm's reach that fits flush with the bed because we only have a full.  It will be winter this time so I feel better about him/her having their own space.  I'm thinking about padding the co-sleeper with a short lambskin covered with a sheet so it's warm.  Depending on the baby, I will swaddle or put them in a warm sleeper, or a sleep sack with baby legs underneath.  Can't stress enough how much easier breastfeeding and nighttime care is when they are right there with you.  

[Mamabeakley]

Things I'm thinking of - do we really need to put our bed on the floor and up against a wall?

 I like my fluffy down comforter and my pillows - where will the baby go? Do I have to get rid of them?

Does the baby go under or on top of the blankets?

What does the baby sleep in (clothing, sleep sack, swaddled, other?)

My DH would like to get a co-sleeper and I'm thinking it might be nice to have, but I'd rather have the baby closer.

DH is worried about there being room in the bed (we have a queen and our room isn't big enough for a larger bed).

Your experience and advice is much appreciated!

All of my kids have fallen out of bed at some point and none of them have ever been seriously hurt or injured by it.  Mostly they cry for a few seconds and go back to sleep.  We did have our bed on the floor for a while when DS1 was a very active sleeper as an older baby and early toddler.  I personally like having my bed against the wall, but that's me.  There are thingys you can buy designed to put a safe bolster type barrier between baby and edge of bed, and I like the looks of them, but they're quite expensive.  I saw a meme on FB recently suggesting getting a pool noodle and putting it under the fitted sheet to serve the same purpose - I might try that with this baby since there is no way to put our bed against the wall in our current living space.

I think the blankets and pillows thing is ridiculous, personally.  For thousands of years, humans in cold environments have bedshared with their babies under LOTS fo blankets.  We lived without central heating (woodstove) in DS1's infancy and may well again this time, so lots of blankets are NECESSARY.  Even if baby were bundled up, I would freeze without them in a room with an overnight temperature in the low 50s generally speaking.  I have always found it pretty easy to be conscious of not putting blankets over the baby's face and keeping pillows away from baby's face.

I am lazy and usually my babies sleep in what they were wearing, or possibly a gown with an open bottom or elastic bottom in the early, many diaper changes per night stages.

I think some babies, like some adults, really prefer to have a little space of their own when sleeping - and others want to be snuggled up right next to a body.  My oldest didn't sleep without touching a human body for more than about 20 minute at a time until he turned 2.  A co-sleeper would have been pretty useless.  My middle and youngest up till now are much more moderate personalities and will turn over away from me to sleep after nursing, so I suppose we could have used a co-sleeper, but we never have.  It is way easier to breastfeed in the night if you are not trying to shuffle the baby from one spot to another, IMO.

I think a Queen should be fine for 2 adults + baby assuming that you are relatively normal sized people.  If you are very large people, it might be more of an issue - and if your DH is really oblivious when asleep that might cause more of a problem, too.  I have never been concerned about putting baby next to my DH for some of the night (I have never figured out how to nurse from both breasts lying on one side, so I always nurse on one side to sleep, when baby wakes, roll me and baby over to other side and nurse back to sleep, rinse/repeat) because he is a responsive sleeper in general.  But I know that some of my friends with more 'out of it' sleeper partners prefer to keep themselves between the partner and the baby.  I'm pretty sure a King size mattress would take up less room than a Queen + co-sleeper.

[Jackies]

Originally Posted by Mamabeakley 

I saw a meme on FB recently suggesting getting a pool noodle and putting it under the fitted sheet to serve the same purpose - I might try that with this baby since there is no way to put our bed against the wall in our current living space.

SO BRILLIANT! We had the bed on the floor when DD was a baby. She still fell off at least twice, but 6 inches onto carpet is not going to hurt anyone. I still did want it not to happen anymore, so I got a toddler rail that worked great for several months, but I am DEFINITELY going to use the noodle trick. That's really all it takes for them not to fall off.

Lulu, I wouldn't stress about it. It will work itself out once the baby arrives. The best thing about putting the bed on the floor is it's free and you can switch it back whenever you want. If space is still an issue to consider, a cosleeper might give you that extra room, but I wouldn't bother with it otherwise. Maybe wait until the baby is here and if you still want the co-sleeper, get one then, or get it soon before the birth so you can return it.

[JudiAU]

We done a mix of everything. What I like best and what I think is safest for us is to always have another sleep option available (mini co-sleeper for infancy), crib shoved against the bed for later, toddler bed for later) and for me to bedshare with just the baby. I get more sleep when I am not very close to the baby, when I can nurse more easily, and when I am less concerned about DH's presence and/or sleep being disturbed. He doesn't love sleeping elsewhere but yes gets a lot more sleep. 

We swaddle with a miracle blanket + sleeper and that is it. Blanket on my part of the bed only.

BTW- DH wanted to add that he had to contend with the gigantic toddler kicking him in the head when he crawled into his twin while the wife gets the king + newborn. 

 

 

[esp831]

My oldest co-slept with me until she was 7 :).  We tried a bassinet at first but that didn't end up working out.  It is SO much better for your sleep to just be able to nurse without really having to wake up fully, then roll over and nurse on the other side for the next feeding.  With DD2, we had the co sleeper next to my side of the bed to act as a barrier for when she was sleeping on that side.  She slept with us quite comfortably in a sleepsack.  We just kind of pulled our covers around her so they didn't get close to her face.  She was a squirmy one though, and preferred to sleep alone from about 6 months on.  We secretly hope she'll want to come back in our bed soon because we miss her at night, but she loves her crib (weird, I know).  

I agree with the above advice, keep everything close by for changing and find the most comfortable way to nurse in bed so you don't have to get up.  You will definitely work it out as you go and find what is most comfortable for the 3 of you.  I think a queen size bed is fine, we do well with one.  The only rule we have regarding co sleeping:  If either parent has had any alcohol to drink that night, they may not sleep with the baby.  

[Mamabeakley]

Oh, I wanted to add - the only adjustment to blankets that we've made is that each adult has his/her own set.  It doesn't work well to have baby in-between two adults who are trying to share a blanket.  But it works fine for me (the nursing mom) to share a blanket with the baby.  Sometimes I leave the baby under my blanket and go join DH under his.

[kel]

I've slept with all of my kids, usually to about age 3 or 4, but my almost 7 year old (current baby of the family) is still in bed with us - I need to start to transition that one!;) 

do we really need to put our bed on the floor and up against a wall?

I think with all of my kids the bed has either been on the floor or against a wall and I've never or rarely had them fall out during the night.  I do think one or the other is advisable for that reason... 

I like my fluffy down comforter and my pillows - where will the baby go? Do I have to get rid of them?

We've never worried too much about blankets and pillows.  The real issue is when they're tiny - and esp if it's a cold house and you may be pulling up heavy blankets on yourself and therefore over baby's head during the night in your sleep without realizing it.  I've def woken up in the night with some sweaty babies, but that's about the worst I can say.  Having the temperature warm enough in your room where you don't have to have heavy blankets is probably best - as they get older and can uncover themselves you don't need to worry about it.  I use my own pillow and I think when they're really little often have a firm pillow behind/on the other side of them to keep them from rolling into crack beside bed and wall. 

Does the baby go under or on top of the blankets?

I usually do under - with lightweight blankets, but you could dress baby warm enough and not put blankets on her at all.

What does the baby sleep in (clothing, sleep sack, swaddled, other?)

I've usually had newborns sleeping in whatever soft cotton clothes they were wearing during the day.  I don't think I would ever swaddle at night - I think babies need time to be able to wiggle and to move toward breast, etc.  A sleep sack seems fine, if not too warm and you're not using a blanket.

My DH would like to get a co-sleeper and I'm thinking it might be nice to have, but I'd rather have the baby closer

I've always found the family bed to be the simplest way for nursing and comfort - it's been said to possibly prevent sids as well, because you naturally bump each other and disturb baby's sleep a bit.

DH is worried about there being room in the bed (we have a queen and our room isn't big enough for a larger bed).

We've squished into all sizes of beds - I think a queen should be fine - unless like another mama said, the adults are large and already feel cramped in the bed without baby. 

xo

[kel]

And in response to what mamab just wrote - I always have baby in between me and the wall.  I agree that she shouldn't be in btwn two adults sharing blankets - at least not as an infant. 

[segolilymama]

ANOTHER VOTE ON THE POOL NOODLE - I have a large round bolster that I made after seeing these: http://www.humanityorganics.com/humanity-family-sleeper.html. They are very cool but quite expensive, so I made my own pillow & I do put more absorbent bedding under the sheet for milk & pee leaks :)

Also another vote on you & your partner having separate blankets - much easier when baby is lying between you, and you don't have to worry about blankets being pulled off either of you. THose are really the only two changes I make when bedsharing, other than having supplies handy at night (water, extra diapers, change of clothes for baby, etc). The 'rules' you find out there are a good guide to give you an idea of potential issues, but really, as mamabeakley said, how on earth could babies have survived in cold climates sharing beds with their mamas with no blankets? they both would have frozen during the night.... I relate to those rules like a lot of things in life.  A favorite FB meme of mine said, "I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people, let's just remove the warning labels and let things sort themselves out...." You will be amazed how much your instincts will keep anything bad from happening :)

[mamadiamond]

when dd was newborn till about 4 months she slept on my chest and my enormous nursing boobs kept her from going anywhere lol. that also worked great as far as nursing in the night because i'd just pull my shirt up enough for a boob to be out and when she got hungry she was right there and just nursed without waking her or me up fully. we had a heavy blanket but i would pull it up to my waist, lay her on top of it (in a sleep sack), and wear a long sleeved shirt so my upper body didn't get cold out of the blanket. at the time we only had a double bed, not against the wall, and regular height from the floor. but i am a very light sleeper, so even once dd was sleeping beside me in the crook of my arm i was very aware of her all night. we now have a king, on a very low frame, so definitely no problem this time. dh is a pretty heavy sleeper so i actually had a small bolster between him and dd until she was old enough to kick him if he rolled too close against her. now when she is in bed with us we have to have pillows to protect our stomachs from her flailing toddler limbs.....i actually have to figure out how that is going to work with the new baby.

[lovemyzoo]

baby always sleeps between me and dh for the first 8 months or so then sleeps all over the place.  We can't put it against a wall or on the floor but works fine with the 6 so far that has co-slept with us.

I dress baby in sleep sac/gown I don't swaddle at all. We each have our own blanket typically at 1st then move to one light one for all three of us, and we have foam pillows and since baby head is near my chest/arm-pits no near the pillow never worried about that. 

[AlaskAnne]

Wow, all this advice is the most practical and useful I've seen on cosleeping in all that ive read so far! Thanks to you all for sharing your experiences! I feel like everything I've read in books is focused on what NOT to do but doesn't actually help me figure out what TO do.

I live in a cold climate and so all the anti blanket talk was kind of freaking me out.

[nhklh]

DS1 was theoretically in a basinette then a cot/crib in our room.  However, he never slept so usually I'd sleep (the little bit that he did sleep) with him on a mattress in another room.  Shared blankets, no pillow for him.  

DS2 slept with me from the beginning.  Mattress on the floor or bed next to the wall.  I turned my pillow so it was vertical instead of horizontal and we shared blankets.  For a few years I had one child on either side of me and DP in another bed.  

I've never had baby between DP and I, or next to DP at all.

I never would've believed this had I not experienced it, but my instincts were SO sharp with DS2 when he was breastfeeding.  Once he weaned (early this year) they totally faded.  Makes me a little crazy to think about the lack of instincts I must've had with DS1, but I had no idea at the time.

[Mamabeakley]

Mamadiamond, our practice has been that when the new baby is born, the toddler moves to be sleeping on the other side of daddy from mama + baby.

As I was falling asleep last night I thought about this thread and our current bed setup and thought others might like to hear about it.  We have a King size bed and a Queen size bed adjoining.  The (only) bedroom where we are living is HUGE so there's room for this plus a walking aisle on each side and dressers on one side.  DS2 (age 6) sleeps on the outside of the Queen because he is a quieter sleeper and less likely to fall out of bed.  DS1 (age 8) sleep on the inside of the Queen.  DH sleeps on the inside of the King, DD (age 3) sleeps in the middle of the King, and I sleep on the outside of the Queen.  We may have to put DS1 on the outside of the Queen when the baby comes because otherwise DS1 and DD would be sleeping next to each other and DS1 is big and an aggressive sleeper (snuggles up whether you like it or not, throws his leg over you, etc.)  I think we are at the point where we'd probably start separating the boys' sleeping surface/space from ours if our space were configured differently, but this is working given what we've got to work with.

[segolilymama]

mamabeakley you reminded me of the beautiful days with the 4 little ones sleeping with us! We had 2 kind mattresses on the floor pushed together. From right to left it was: Ds3, me, Ds1, Ds2, DH, and DSS. It never felt crowded, it was wonderful (especially when DS1 & 2 were all cuddled up together!). In fact, when DS1 & DSS were with their other parents, the bed felt huge & empty :)

[Mamabeakley]

Ha!  DH keeps getting 'squished' in the middle, and I finally figured out why - DS2 won't wear pjs and kicks off his blankets but it's hot so we have a fan on.  So he gets really cold and cuddles closer and closer to DS1, who moves away towards DH, so they end up all cuddled up like sardines!  And we're trying to move DD towards 'sleeping with daddy' rather than 'with mommy' so then he's a daddy sandwich.

[Lilac11]

We constructed a cosleeper from a 3-sided crib but ds *never* slept in it! He slept snuggled up to me, on either side depending on which side he nursed that time.
I was never worried about the blankets. He wore the same weight pjs as we did depending on the season.
We never changed diapers in the night.
Frankly a king is better than a queen. We have the latter and it often feels too small to us parents. Due to this, when he was 6 months he moved to a mattress on the floor next to my side of the bed but I spent the 2nd 1/2 of the night down with him.
Then around 1 we switched to a twin bed flush against our bed with a bed rail on his twin.
Finally at 1.5 we moved his twin into his room against the wall and with the bed rail but he continued to wake and come into our bed at some point most nights for years.

We had no "plans" to bedshare but it was purely out of ease and common sense for our family.

This time we're starting straight off with the bed rail+ twin+our queen but we'll adjust things as necessary! If we had a king we'd just put a bed rail on it - the queen just isn't big enough for us. (Though we are both slim.)

[lulubikes]

Wow Mamas, I've been offline for a few days. I just read all of these posts and this is all great information! I really appreciate it!

[nhklh]

Bed setup - we currently have a double on the floor, usually DP is there, a king on the floor, usually that's me, sometimes with DS2, and an Ikea "Kura" loft bed with DS1 up the top, and a mattress on the bottom for DS2.

Previously we had a queen on the floor for DP & I, and a cot/crib mattress next to it for DS2, and a single mattress on the floor as well for DS1.

Before THAT we had a queen and a double pushed together, with the kids and I on the queen and DP on the double.  Before THAT I was on the double with the kids, and DP on the queen.