Worried about SD.. How do we help her?

[marigolde]

My SD is in an unhealthy relationship.. and yes while i realize everyone has their own path, and lessons to learn, i worry about her. After posting the other day (http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1360133/wwyd#post_17070066) I realized the problem was really the BF.. He isn't a nice guy, and I'm worried it will only get worse for her. He has been verbally abusive towards her father and I, and even took his frustration out on our Air Exchanger. We also have holes in the wall where he punched them.   If he is so quick to lash out at us, then what else is he capable of..  She supports him fully, and does all the work in the house (SHE shoveled the driveway after working all day, while he was home without a job, SHE walks his dog, SHE cleans the house, makes supper & pays the bills) I`m not sure what he does to support her, I have not seen anything.  He keeps her away from her family, and won`t let her go anywhere without him.  She`s told me that she`s afraid to tell him she`s upset at him, and cannot stand up to him... My worry is that if she stays with him, it will get worse.

How do we help her realize this isn`t a healthy relationship.. If I thought about talking to her mother would help I would, but her mother put her in this relationship by telling her it was okay at 16 to move in with him and his parents, instead of her Papa..(She didn`t want to lose her CS..even took us back to court for more around the same time) I was pregnant with her sister, and we had a room for her at our house (she even painted it) but her mother had her convinced her Papa was not a good guy, and i was equally evil, She made her feel like living with us was a bad idea. We tried at the time to get custody, but were told not to bother as she was 16. We asked a lawyer if there was anything we could do, She said no, nothing we can do.. If her CP says she can live with her BF, she can.

I was born into an abusive relationship.. and see a lot that of similarities between BF`s actions and my fathers.. I ended up in the hospital, as did my mother, many times, and thanks to a wonderful Pizza Delivery guy (who gave us a ride to a shelter) we are still alive. I`ve also been in one myself, so I know how hard it is to convince your heart the guy isn`t good for you, and stand up to the fear he makes you live in. I see the path she`s standing on.. I was there once myself. 

I feel if we push her, she will run to him, so we`ve told her we are worried, and left our arms open. Is there anything else we can do

[grisandole]

I didn't want to read and not respond. I think that just being there and supportive to HER is pretty much all you can do; stay as close as you can and offer love and support. She needs to realize her own inner strength; sounds like she has low self esteem and is easily manipulated given her partner and the fact that she let's her mother control her, so sad, but I don't think you can change her thoughts. Anyone else have some words of wisdom????

[marigolde]

Thank you for replying.. 

Yes I think at the moment all we can do is be supportive and leave our arms open.  It`s tough to stay close to her, she seems to always be just out of reach :( Her mother had always did her best to keep her that way. She's all but cut her Papa out of the picture thanks to her mother & BF. Her mother has been telling her from day 1 that Papa is the enemy, and BF backs up that thought, even though we've done nothing but try and help her.    I too think her self esteem has been taken from her.. The SD after BF is not the same happy, social butterfly i first met years ago before BF. I wish you could buy 'inner strength.. I'd give her a truck full.   I've been doing some thinking and thought maybe we could give SD some books to read for Christmas & her birthday (she loves to read + we do a secret santa, so she'll not know who gave them to her... i don't think she would read them if they came from us) Any suggestions?