I understand where you are coming from. Congratulations on surviving HELLP. I'm a fellow HELLP survivor too. On Dec 21st 2010 I developed sudden onset severe HELLP After being transported to the closest hospital with a NICU even though still unstable, My son was born via emergency C section on Dec 22. My heart was damaged but its function falls within the "normal" range still so as of July 2011 it has not needed further treatment. My other organs are still healing and my bloodwork is still not quite back to normal but almost.
My Son Nathaniel, was born at 1lb 14oz and 14" long. He is now 19months old and weighs 21lbs. He was on two different types of ventillators his first month of life. He was given decadron to help him get off the machines. I honestly feel like it saved his life. It changed him overnight! Within a few days he was on just oxygen. Though when they got him off the decadron, he had a predictable back step.
He also had heart rate drops and he would stop breathing. No mother should have to go through seeing her child go through that, but for some reason, we were put in that situation. I'm so sorry you are going through that and I hope he outgrows it quickly. I know the alarms are scary, but they are just that, alarms. I'm pretty sure every baby in the NICU sets them off at some time or another. :) My poor Nathaniel used to set his off with Bradies on bad days like once every 5 minutes He gave the nurses gray hairs.
You'll learn this too, there are different types of alarms. There is almost always a warning before a bad alarm, so the nurses know to check just in case the other alarm is going to go off.
Anyway Nathaniel is now doing great. They sent him home on oxygen and monitors he was on those for a couple of weeks then they took him off of them. I was still scared, so I put a Snuza Halo, (Now called a Snuza Hero) on him and kept it on him until it wore out! It's the best monitor I swear! I didn't have to worry about his breathing at night because it can even be set to click with every breath. And if it doesn't feel him breathe it will vibrate to arouse him and will alarm if it doesn't feel him breathe again after that. I loved it because It could react quicker than I could. It is less reliable in the car but I made him wear it around the clock anyway! lol
I hope you don't mind my sharing my story with you, HELLP is kind of a rare thing and super scary and we have a lot of healing to do afterward, if we can. Our bodies do the best they can do. I know how you feel when you say you feel like a failure. I still feel like a failure. But it isn't your fault. If we knew what causes this I'm certain we'd avoid it. No matter what I'm sure you did the best you could, it just sometimes reaches the point where the two can't survive together any more. 30, 40, or 50 years ago my friend, we would have been added to the list of women who passed from pregnancy toxemia. But we are still here! It may not feel so great yet, but it gets better in time. :) There are so many medical advancements every day! Don't blame yourself, unless you've had it before, no one sees it coming and more doctors each day are being trained to look for it. Just do the best you can given the situations. I'm sending lots of love and prayers your way. And if you need ANYTHING feel free to contact me!