Oh man, sounds like you had a rough day. *hugs* Stress doesn't help either. I'm glad you were still in the NICU when he had his fit and not at home. *hugs again* it's always scary when they do that. My little guy even freaked out the mother of one of his roommates with a fit like that, but it's always the hardest to deal with when you are holding them. I'm so sorry that happened, but I am really grateful he recovered and is okay. That's what he NICU is for. Don't give up, he needs you just as much if not more than you need him. Especially right now, in a new confusing world with a body that is still in an early stage of development. I know it's hard, but you're not alone. Even when you feel like it, you are not alone. It is okay to be depressed, it is okay to know that these things that you are going through are going to stick with you for a while, it's how our brains work. You went through and are still going through something no one is ever prepared to go through. Even if it's your third time in the NICU, each time is new. There is no shame in talking to people, no shame in asking for medication to help you with the depression, at least while you are in the NICU. I was medicated until last April because I kept overwhelming myself. I know many preemie moms that have suffered from depression, and the whole ball of wax that this stuff brings.
I really want to help you out, if you are close I can at least try to do something. If you are on facebook we can connect there too. I want you to know you're not alone, even when you feel like it. I know the road is rough, I'm still going down it too, but we'll get through it together.