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New and struggling - Page 2

post #21 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thank you bokonon, I'm usually ok but today I'm just soooo emotional. I totally don't want him to come home before he is ready at all....but my heart aches. It's hard to one not be pregnant when you still should be and your baby less . It feels like a pregnancy loss some days but I know it's not ..it's just the only way I can describe what I'm feeling off and on lately plus these post partum hormones are not helping at all.

The good news is he is gaining an oz a day so he's gone from 3 lbs 14 oz to now 4 lbs 10 oz in two weeks. We think he is refluxing however as he has a ton of gunk and snot in his nose and he has blood oxygen drops still. So he's on oxygen but not the Cpap. His main issue keeping him there though is taking his feedings by mouth. He needs to take them all by mouth before we can think about that oxygen test. Some feedings he does great and takes the whole bottle by mouth but then on others he's too sleepy to take it all. Though they have upped his food intake as of today.


I just hate this emotional roller coaster...my husband is in the army and has to leave to go back to Korea on sept 4th...I'm overwhelmed with everything and sad that most likely I will be alone again with no help when Liam gets home.
post #22 of 32

I second Bokonon.  About a month before we got to come home we got moved to the room where all the babies that are leaving were moved to.  I got to go through the same thing.  As much as I wanted to bring Nathaniel home, I knew he wasn't ready.  It also bugged me when he took his first carseat test and failed.  He failed at 3 hours!!! They only had to sit in the seat as long as it would take them to travel home (45 min for us) but he fell asleep and they let him rest.  Right around 3 hours he failed! I was a little mad about that one but oh well.  I knew if he made it to 3 hours, he'd pass the next one with flying colors. Crazy people LOL.  It is hard to watch other babies leave, but it is worth it to know without a doubt that you are ready.  The goal is once you get out, to not have to go back.  *hugs* It is only days, there aren't usually any toddlers in the NICU. :)

post #23 of 32

My hubby isn't in the military but travels overseas for work ALOT. :( I know that overwhelmed feeling too.  Do you have any friends or family around to help out?

One of my pet peeves was that every time someone has a term baby, the friends and family are eager to help, but then bring home a preemie and you miss your own baby shower, no one knows what to do to help so they stay away (which during RSV season is kind of a blessing) and you're stuck with a tiny child that when they are screaming, you are happy they can scream but completely lost as to what it is they are trying to convey. LOL  My son and I stayed for about 3 months in his room.  When my husband was home he'd sleep on the floor between us (my twin bed is in my sons room for when he is old enough for it).  You just take it one day at a time, it's just overwhelming before hand, but not so bad (though it has its moments) once you get home.

When you do get home you can always call the NICU if you have questions.  I was out of it one night and got my son's med times mixed up and called the NICU at 3am to make sure it was okay, I thought it would be but I wanted to hear it from them. LOL

It will be okay and it will work out, just take it one day at a time. :)

post #24 of 32

*hugs*

 

I remember these feelings so well.  I remember crying in the pumping room because I didn't want to cry in the NICU, but it killed every time I saw a baby leave, the ones that were always especially hard were the younger babes that came after my DS.  The feeds were his biggest struggle too.  Your little one will get it.  *hugs*

 

I didn't have much help when I was finally able to bring my little one home either.  I had no husband, and my parents worked.  So I had my preemie baby and my toddler daughter.  Somehow I made it through.  I could not tell you how now.  But we made it through somehow, and you will too.  *hugs*
 

post #25 of 32
Thread Starter 
So I am pretty sure I have post partum depression. No denying it. All I do is cry and feel worthless....now I'm even too depressed to go see my son because every time I do I feel so incompetent. Today too was the worst.... I was feeding him with a dr browns bottle when he stopped breathing,. It was awful. He went limp and turned blue and his mouth opened and all the breast milk came out of his mouth like he was drowning ...a bunch of alarms went off and he recovered but it was so scary, I immediately handed him to my husband and started bawling. I can't help but think it was my fault because there was too much milk he was gulping and he forgot to breath... So now I'm traumatized and too scared to do much of anything for him. I feel so worthless . :/

I do not have anyone here to help me. All my family is in a different state. I do have a social worker at the hospital working with me to find some help for after my husband leaves.
post #26 of 32
Thread Starter 
So I am pretty sure I have post partum depression. No denying it. All I do is cry and feel worthless....now I'm even too depressed to go see my son because every time I do I feel so incompetent. Today too was the worst.... I was feeding him with a dr browns bottle when he stopped breathing,. It was awful. He went limp and turned blue and his mouth opened and all the breast milk came out of his mouth like he was drowning ...a bunch of alarms went off and he recovered but it was so scary, I immediately handed him to my husband and started bawling. I can't help but think it was my fault because there was too much milk he was gulping and he forgot to breath... So now I'm traumatized and too scared to do much of anything for him. I feel so worthless . :/

I do not have anyone here to help me. All my family is in a different state. I do have a social worker at the hospital working with me to find some help for after my husband leaves.
post #27 of 32
Thread Starter 
So I am pretty sure I have post partum depression. No denying it. All I do is cry and feel worthless....now I'm even too depressed to go see my son because every time I do I feel so incompetent. Today too was the worst.... I was feeding him with a dr browns bottle when he stopped breathing,. It was awful. He went limp and turned blue and his mouth opened and all the breast milk came out of his mouth like he was drowning ...a bunch of alarms went off and he recovered but it was so scary, I immediately handed him to my husband and started bawling. I can't help but think it was my fault because there was too much milk he was gulping and he forgot to breath... So now I'm traumatized and too scared to do much of anything for him. I feel so worthless . :/

I do not have anyone here to help me. All my family is in a different state. I do have a social worker at the hospital working with me to find some help for after my husband leaves.
post #28 of 32
Thread Starter 
Oops didn't mean to post three times...computer froze and I hit submit..apparently three times heh .
post #29 of 32

Oh man, sounds like you had a rough day. *hugs* Stress doesn't help either.  I'm glad you were still in the NICU when he had his fit and not at home. *hugs again* it's always scary when they do that.  My little guy even freaked out the mother of one of his roommates with a fit like that, but it's always the hardest to deal with when you are holding them.  I'm so sorry that happened, but I am really grateful he recovered and is okay.  That's what he NICU is for.  Don't give up, he needs you just as much if not more than you need him.  Especially right now, in a new confusing world with a body that is still in an early stage of development.  I know it's hard, but you're not alone.  Even when you feel like it, you are not alone.  It is okay to be depressed, it is okay to know that these things that you are going through are going to stick with you for a while, it's how our brains work.  You went through and are still going through something no one is ever prepared to go through.  Even if it's your third time in the NICU, each time is new.  There is no shame in talking to people, no shame in asking for medication to help you with the depression, at least while you are in the NICU.  I was medicated until last April because I kept overwhelming myself.  I know many preemie moms that have suffered from depression, and the whole ball of wax that this stuff brings.  

I really want to help you out, if you are close I can at least try to do something.  If you are on facebook we can connect there too.  I want you to know you're not alone, even when you feel like it.  I know the road is rough, I'm still going down it too, but we'll get through it together. 

~J

post #30 of 32

I'm so sorry :( I dealt w/ depression after my 2nd for sure, and perhaps my first.  Somehow I'm doing well at this point, but keeping a close eye on it.  Sorry your little guy had a rough time breathing while you were feeding him.  Not sure if it'll make you feel better but my ydd whose dd was just four days ago (8/20) still has spells of trouble coordinating breathing and swallowing and sucking.  Even while nursing.  It's SO scary.  I feel awful every time.  I think they just need time, time, time.  And unfortunately the NICU is probably the best place while the coordination is still so immature.  I'm glad a SW has been working w/ you!  I wonder if you can get in touch w/ some of the other moms in the NICU?  Just to have someone to talk with even after you're discharged?  I'm so sorry your hubby isn't able to be home w/ you :(  

post #31 of 32
Congratulations knicole! (: for you're beautiful baby boy. I know its hard when we are moms for the first time especially when we have to take them home after they were born premature. Don't worry you will do great with your baby. Time passes by fast and soon will be a big boy!!! I know how it feels to have a premature baby my son who is now two yrs old was born at 25 weeks he weighed 2 pounds exactly and was 13 inches long. The day my baby was born i was happy and sad at the time because he was born so tiny that he could've not made it. Since he was born 15 weeks early he stayed in the NICU for 100 days! It was the hardest thing my husband and i went though plus he's our first baby. I had experienced a miscarrige before we had our son so I've been though a lot and im 22 yrs old and if i have another one im going to be in high risk pregnancy
post #32 of 32
Hugs! Hang in there, mama! I know EXACTLY how you feel! I was a huge mess when my twins were in the NICU. I cried all the time, and yes it doesn't help that post-partum hormones are no joke! They spent a month in the NICU and it was agonizing, I missed them so much! But now it is just a blip on the radar. If I could go back in time, I wish I could have been less of a mess. But I don't even know if that is possible considering the recovery, hormones, and feeling like you are missing out on both the last bit of your pregnancy AND the new-mommy stuff! But I wish I could have just enjoyed them when I was visiting (I cried a ton in the beginning, especially when I couldn't be holding them!) and then spent my time at home healing/recovering and maybe worked on a project for their homecoming or something, I dunno- something positive to focus on. I'm sorry you had a rough day with him not eating well. It definitely was not your fault! If you think you have PPD, then maybe you should ask about some medications. Hang in there and just keep focusing on this beautiful baby boy!
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