Things that trip my cord... « Back to Group Discussions

[CI Mama]

Wow, it's been awhile since something totally triggered my trauma, but reading this just did it:

http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/baby-2/breastfeeding/vaginal-birth-triggers-brain-boost

Like, I'm shaking and I would scream if I weren't at work. Damn.

For some reason, the thing that's really upsetting me is the assertion near the end of the article that only 2-5% of the time are c-sections necessary. There is no source cited for that information, of course. It's just so easy to look at most women who have c-sections and say, "yeah, you didn't need that." Will I ever stop feeling stupid?

It's OK, I can handle this...the beauty of being almost 4 years out from the birth is that I know what this feeling is and how to deal with it. Just wanted to share with the people who will know where I'm coming from.

Wish me peace!

[Caracol8]

I wish you peace!  Yeah, I had to shut my laptop when I saw that link a few days ago.  I only had to read the first paragraph.  Just what we need, huh?  I felt the same way when I read anything about bonding, the flood of oxytocin that I had to miss, etc.  Education is great but totally sucks when your own situation is lumped into a "less-than" category.  And don't let her bonkers data get to you!  

[Partaria]

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, UGH.

First of all, the Yale study says that vaginal birth triggers some kind of brain development, blah blah. Okay fine. But where's the information that says that's NOT triggered properly in cesarean births? And where's the longitudinal data to show that kids born vaginally are consistently more developed in that region of the brain their whole lives? It is quite possible that while they might get a head start, that at 1 or 2 years of age, children tend to even out. This information is so preliminary I don't quite understand its usefulness.

Plus, all this other stuff about the cuddling and the breastmilk, guess what? My son was born surgically and we still did all that. It isn't as though women who birth surgically don't hold their babies. 

Could we have had a more glowy, soft-focus start? Yes. Certainly. It was far from ideal and I was grieving the birth I wanted. I had a body that needed a long time to heal. But now that DS is 14 months, I don't honestly see a whole lot of difference between our bond and that of moms & babies who birthed vaginally. Let me assure you, researchers and authors, readers and moms, I love that child with a ferocity of a lioness, and our bond is unbreakable.

I really resent and question this underlying attitude that the birth is EVERYTHING. And that if your baby doesn't get here a certain way, it has lifelong repercussions for the child. I call bullsh*t on that. Don't tell me that the next 20 years of kissing boo-boos and cooling feverish foreheads and reading stories and teaching and hugging and loving don't count. I challenge anyone to sit a dozen 10 year olds in a room and pick out the ones who were born surgically. If scientists can start accurately doing that, then maybe we'll talk. 

And finally, you know what? My brothers and I were all born via elective cesarean. My oldest brother is an MBA, my second oldest brother has a PhD from Oxford, and I skipped a grade in school. So um, yeah. Our brains are FINE.

[Partaria]

Sorry I just want to say one more thing.

Okay more than one thign.

1. This angers me too. GRRR.

2. I know that natural birth, vaginal birth, has benefits to the mama and baby that cesarean birth lacks. I don't mean to say there is no difference. What I want to say, though, is that I don't believe you can witness LONG TERM differences in the child. The goal of a vaginal birth is to get mom and baby off to the easiest start possible. But even when the start is less than ideal, that doesn't mean that the rest of the relationship and the rest of that child's life is playing catch-up, or is less-than. 

Okay I'm going to simmer down now. We know what we're about, mamas. Our babes are lucky to have brave women like us, who face down huge personal disappointment and pain to help them be born. We are mama lions!

[CI Mama]

Now that I've gotten over my initial anger at this article, I have to say, I think that it is frankly worthless. There is no "science" there. None. Whatever the Yale study did, it showed us nothing about the long term effects of c-section on mice, let alone human beings. That was all extrapolation by the author of the article. Not science. Just a self congratulatory piece to remind everyone *again* about why vaginal births are better than c-section. Because if you don't scare the shit out of women by telling them how awful c-sections are and how damaging they are for children, they'll start running out and having them for fun. Yeah, right.

Flush this one right down the toilet, ladies. That's where it belongs!

[CI Mama]

Well, it happened again today...my chain got yanked and I was totally not expecting it.

I've been having really heavy periods, so I've been trying to get some medical care to help determine what's going on & what might help. The last 3 female OBs that I saw all left the practice, so I just gave up and decided to go with whomever was available. So, a male OB. Turns out, he's probably in his mid-70s and is a very gentle person. So that's good.

Anyway, I had several diagnostic tests today: a vaginal ultrasound, which was conducted by a female technician, no problem. And then the OB came in to do a 2nd test, where they insert a catheter into the uterus & then inject water into it while doing an ultrasound, to see if there are fibroids pushing into the lining of the uterus. I had this done in 2007, when I was trying to get pregnant, and I figured, OK, I know the drill, no problem.

So the OB was inserting the speculum, and it hurt like hell! I've never had a speculum hurt that much. I yelled and felt this panic reaction (a sudden hot rush through my body). Gentle OB stopped, took out the speculum, got a new (smaller) one, continued with procedure, it was mildly uncomfortable, but OK, we got through the procedure. Whew. I thought I was OK, but the technician & OB left the room, and I started crying, and I could not make myself stop.

The pain was one thing, but it just triggered some association with the worst part of my labor, when I had to make the decision to have the C-section. I can't say exactly why that particular moment came up for me...something about having a male physician there, even though this OB is super gentle and the OB at my birth was not so gentle.

So anyway, I asked the technician for a little extra time to pull myself together, and eventually I realized I was going to have to just get through it, tears and all. So I had to go into a different exam room, where a very chipper nurse told me that there was yet another procedure, which would involve yet another speculum & catheter, something I was not expecting. And she just completely ignored my obvious emotional distress which started to make me angry. Like, what is wrong with our medical system that the best a caregiver can do is just try to act like nothing is going on emotionally with a patient?

When the OB came in after Nurse Chipper, he was actually very respectful. He apologize for hurting me and asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I really couldn't answer, but I appreciated that he was at least addressing the issue instead of acting like nothing was wrong. He also said that we didn't have to do the other procedure, which I also appreciated, because it would have been very difficult for me to get through it.

So, I made it through the appointment, went on a long bike ride on a beautiful day, and then went to work. I am OK.

But dang, I hate these moments when I'm totally blind-sided by something. And I hate it that I just cry and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Can anyone relate?

[CI Mama]

Since I'm on a roll, here's another thing I want to share. A great article, well worth a read:

http://ow.ly/1VPXvA

In it, the author takes Henci Goer to task for making a dismissive & painful comment in which she assumes that post partum depression is caused by c-section. (OK, I'm over simplfying the issue a bit...just read the article).

What reading the article made me realize is that I get really tired of c-section being the only story about my birth and it's difficulty. Yes, I had a long, difficult labor, and yes it ended in c-section and yes, that kinda sucked. But I don't really feel like the hard time I had after giving birth was solely due to the c-section. There were issues that would probably have been difficult even if I'd had a UC under shooting stars with dolphins.

Also, I hate it when people hear I have a c-section and assume they know the whole story. As if I'm not a unique person with my own story.

OK, end of rant.

(Thanks to Partaria, who pointed me to this article.)

[Partaria]

YES. I can totally relate. It makes me feel victimized all over again, except this time, by memories. And I get down and always wonder- will I always be this way? Bah. It's terribly unfair.

I'm sorry you had that experience and boo to chipper nurse. I'm glad the OB was compassionate. 

You have done nothing wrong, and having access to these deep feelings means you are in touch with yourself and aware of your feelings. You are not cut off from them, which affords you tremendous capacity for compassion. Unfortunately, it also means you get bit in the ass sometimes, which is the not awesome part.

And as for that article. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. I was very riled up about that. My cesarean was traumatic. Yes. It was. But you don't have to have a traumatic birth to have PPD. That's just a basic misunderstanding of the research out there. Additionally, this is the chicken/egg issue taht makes me crazy. Are cesareans really that traumatic, or have we demonized them so much that a woman has no chance in hell of not feeling awful after one because of the very fact that she had one at all? Not to say that people shouldn't be upset about a cesarean birth. But for me, so much of my pain came from knowing that I birthed "wrong" and had "failed" my child and the natural birth movement I had believed in so fiercely. I feel like if c/s birth wasn't always discussed as being synonymous with traumatic birth (and the only kind of traumatic birth), my healing journey might have been able to begin sooner.

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by Partaria 
Are cesareans really that traumatic, or have we demonized them so much that a woman has no chance in hell of not feeling awful after one because of the very fact that she had one at all? Not to say that people shouldn't be upset about a cesarean birth. But for me, so much of my pain came from knowing that I birthed "wrong" and had "failed" my child and the natural birth movement I had believed in so fiercely. I feel like if c/s birth wasn't always discussed as being synonymous with traumatic birth (and the only kind of traumatic birth), my healing journey might have been able to begin sooner.

This goes through my head ALL THE TIME! I mean, yes, in many respects the c-section sucked and the recovery was brutal, but at this point my difficulty with the experience seems to come entirely from the shame that I've absorbed by believing that a "good birth" would have been so amazing, but I had a "bad birth" and therefore my child and I must be inferior for all time. WTF. I really want to get out of that head space once and for all. And the part I bolded....this just drives me nuts.

What I wish most is for a clearer understanding of what birth trauma is and what it isn't, how to offer support that is actually helpful (if you're a caregiver), and most of all, HOW TO LET WOMEN DEFINE FOR THEMSELVES WHAT THEIR EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN AND HOW TO HEAL FROM IT. It's the difference between trusting women's resilience by offering genuine support that is empowering vs. telling women how they should think, feel, and make sense of their experiences, so that a ideological/political dogma can stay intact.

Which is why I can do without Henci Goer's patronizing crap that all women who have c-sections need to develop PTSD because they've been victimized by "the system". Thanks, but no thanks. I'll pass.