How to be Polite? « Back to Group Discussions

[babytoes]

I am not sure how to best deal with this new situation that has arisen. 

DP's dad is very excited about this pregnancy, and a new grand baby. But, here's the problem, his wife. See when we announced we were pregnant, I also informed everyone we were planning a home birth. I have no problems with FIL and/or MIL (they have been divorced since DP was very little) being around for the birth, it doesn't bother me in the least. His wife on the other hand is a different story. She tends to be very loud and sort of on the obnoxious side. I feel like I am in a sticky kind of situation because although FIL will be quiet and in the background, I am nervous that SMIL wont be so quiet. I have a very strong feeling that she will want to be right in the thick of things, especially once I start pushing and such. My mother and father have attended all of my births and are very helpful and soothing. I don't want this neurotic woman around stressing me out!

I think the hardest part of all this, is she will be very offended, repeat very, if we invite FIL and not her. She likes to go and do everything that FIL does, even when it's not appropriate for her to be around. Like, FIL is a justice of the peace and performs weddings quite often. She goes to them all, and sometimes will get very drunk and act like a total fool and embarrass FIL to point that he has to leave early because of her antics..  

DP and I talked about this last night, and he says that she might be fine, since she won't be drinking. I don't feel so confident in that. I have been around her a lot and she is boisterous even when she's sober. DP also understands that I am having issues with this, and he too is trying to figure out the best way to go about the whole thing. 

I kind of have a bad experience with this too. My sister, who I love dearly, wanted to come for the birth of DS3, I didn't for see any problem with it, so I allowed it. I will never forget, while I was pushing and my contractions were so intense I thought my head was going to explode, I opened my eyes and all I saw was my sister in my face saying "Breath!! Breath!!" I truly wanted to dunk her head right into the tub! It was so nerve wrecking! I do not want to have that happen again. 

What do you think we should do? Has anyone had this kind of situation arise?

[MissMuffet]

I haven't btdt, but when you say these people will be at your birth, do you mean right in the same room you're birthing in or just in the same house? I wouldnt be able to properly birth with anyone in the room with me (even dh makes me more conscious and takes me out of labor land) but if everyone's gonna be at the other side of the house in the living room and kitchen and leaving me well alone, then I wouldn't mind the annoying SMIL.

[babytoes]

Originally Posted by MissMuffet 

I haven't btdt, but when you say these people will be at your birth, do you mean right in the same room you're birthing in or just in the same house? I wouldnt be able to properly birth with anyone in the room with me (even dh makes me more conscious and takes me out of labor land)

We have a small apartment, so unfortunately there would be no way of getting away from her. As for everyone else, DP, my mom, dad, and his mom, they would be right in the same room, but this doesn't bother me at all. My mom and dad were always very involved in my other births (and my sisters), and I don't honestly think I could do it without them, we are a very close knit family. 

[veganyogamomma]

Is there anything "really important" that needs to be done? Occupying older kids perhaps? I feel like if you can invent a task that makes her feel useful and also gets her out of your hair, that would be the best solution. Otherwise, I would have someone else tell her she cant be in the room. I have a very protective Doula who would gladly and politely usher anyone out of the room if asked. Is that a possibility?

Worst case scenario, I don't think its wrong to just tell her she can't be there. Hurt feelings or not, your birth experience is all about you being comfortable and having the final say about who is present. I wouldn't sacrifice such a rare and precious moment in the name of politeness... but that's just me!

[MissMuffet]

SMIL is just gonna be a hindrance to the birth process, my primary concern would be that she NOT be around at all (since apt is so small) - even if it means explaining to FIL why he can't be there either. And he seems understanding enough to accept this - he knows his wife has tendencies to create circuses. Just to be fair, I would also refrain from asking MIL to come. And she has never been present at previous births anyway, so you don't really know how her presence will affect you.

[jodieanneanton]

My suggestion would be to have FIL/SMIL/MIL called after babe is born so they can make their way over during the newness of the moment if you want it that way and that maybe labor could be a time for you and DP and your parents... Just an idea.

[babytoes]

Originally Posted by veganyogamomma 

Worst case scenario, I don't think its wrong to just tell her she can't be there. Hurt feelings or not, your birth experience is all about you being comfortable and having the final say about who is present. I wouldn't sacrifice such a rare and precious moment in the name of politeness... but that's just me!

This is very true. I need to be comfortable. That's all that matters, and you're right, I should not be the one sacrificing anything here, it's DP's and my birth, no one elses. 

Originally Posted by MissMuffet 

SMIL is just gonna be a hindrance to the birth process, my primary concern would be that she NOT be around at all (since apt is so small) - even if it means explaining to FIL why he can't be there either. And he seems understanding enough to accept this - he knows his wife has tendencies to create circuses. Just to be fair, I would also refrain from asking MIL to come. And she has never been present at previous births anyway, so you don't really know how her presence will affect you.

I was blown away by how well you nailed DP's dad! It's true, he knows that his wife causes circuses, and it seems he is forever picking up after her, I know that if DP was to tell him my concerns with her being there, and that I am just not comfortable with the idea, I know he would understand. I think that calling them right when the baby is born, like Jodie said is a perfect way to keep them in the loop. All three live about 25 minutes away, so it will be good timing if we designate my dad to call once the baby is here. By the time they get here, the baby will be brand spanking new, and I will have had time to get a change of clothes on and clean up a bit. 

Originally Posted by jodieanneanton 

My suggestion would be to have FIL/SMIL/MIL called after babe is born so they can make their way over during the newness of the moment if you want it that way and that maybe labor could be a time for you and DP and your parents... Just an idea.

Thanks ladies so much for the advice! I have been struggling with this whole thing for weeks, as has poor DP. He loves his parents dearly, as do I, but I think this needs to be about DP and I... He will agree with that.