becoming parents and being a couple « Back to Group Discussions

[jboo7506]

What have your experiences been like with becoming parents then getting back to being a couple again? 

Hi, I'm Jennifer. I am a SAHM to an almost 3 year old boy. My hubby and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6. Pre-parenthood we both worked a lot and spent our leisure time watching T.V., I was in school so that took up a good chunk, going out to eat, being with friends, etc. Post-parenthood, we have a movie date every so often and thats about it on the date front. I feel we have lost, or maybe we never had a good connection. We just talk about Russ, the house, chores, family stuff. Rarely anything deep or substantial. I keep hoping it's a phase, that we are still adjusting to being parents and being a couple. Time hasn't seemed to help. I feel very lonely in my marriage, as he probably does too. But he doesn't open up to me, he has always had a wall up concerning his feelings. I plan on finding out our coverage for therapy, so hopefully we can get marriage counseling to get a third party's help on connecting daily and communicating effectively with kindness.

I know for sure, with no doubt, if we had another child or children things would be WAY worse. I just struggle with hopelessness that this is how it's always going to be, KWIM?

Anyone BTDT with struggling to be parents and find your way to being a couple not just parents? Not sure if this makes any sense, but here it is. Thank you in advance for your replies.

[mtbmomma]

I can relate a bit.  My DD is also 3, and my husband just finished his second year of grad school, so we have both been busy.  We were really close before having kids, but for a while there we had fallen into a rut and didn't connect much.  Things have been getting better the last few months, so I can share a bit of what has helped for us.  We started doing weekly date nights (sometimes only monthly).  We would pick up some wine, usually stuff for an antipasto style meal and then after DD goes to bed we sit and eat and just chat.  It is a great way to touch base with each other, since we both tend to watch shows, read or play computer games in the evenings.  Another thing that has helped is trying to add a bit more romance into the relationship.  We aren't really the romantic types, but we did used to write love letters to each other the first few years of our relationship.  We have started doing that again, and it really helps to feel that the connection is still there.  I think having a weekend away together would be fantastic, but that isn't really an option for us right now since we don't live close to any family and money is tight.  But if you can make that happen, I'm sure it would give you time to talk and reconnect.  

I definitely think that you should sit down with your husband and talk to him about how your feeling.  DH and I just started doing that, and it turns out we were both really stressed and neither felt we were getting the support we needed from each other.  We have both realized that we need to be more loving and supportive of one another, and also need to make time to connect. 

Good luck, I hope you guys find a way to make things work.  Parenting and maintaining a lasting relationship are tough.  I think it helps to remember that you are both on the same team, and putting the effort in at this point will make it all the more worthwhile as your child grows.

[jboo7506]

Thanks for your reply. I think a weekend away would be awesome! Now to talk him into it! Maybe the cooler weather will open up more opportunities to get away for a bit.

[vegrunr]

For us having a child has definitely been a strain on our marriage.  We now work opposite schedules so when one is working the other is caring for our son so we rarely spend time together or as a family.  We are both off on Sundays and in the evening on Monday and Friday when I get home from work around 4 or 5p.  My husband works until 8p on Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Sat.  It is really hard.  It is definitely one reason that I worry about if we decide to have another one.  We need to make an effort to spend time together.  Usually we are also reading or on the computer in the evenings after our son is in bed.  I am trying to find a babysitter so we can go out maybe once a month together.  It is also hard because when we are both home, I like us to all be together as a family since that doesn't happen very often and feel guilty for going somewhere without the little guy.  Of course, once a month isn't a big deal and our marriage is important too.  We have definitely not made it a priority and that makes me sad.