vent: stbx has 1st girlfriend post-separation

[anon_abroad]

I have always wondered how I would feel when stbx would have his first girlfriend post-separation (well, girlfriend that I know about!)...today I found out. (I haven't yet met anyone or had any relations of any kind.)

He hasn't wanted to communicate with me for over a month, and today for some reason he actually came face to face with me .... I soon discovered that it was to tell me (and our girls) that he has a girlfriend. I guess that's why he decided to finally speak!

I have mixed feelings, luckily not all heartbreak (even though I left him over 2.5 years ago it still hurts to find out), but can I vent here and sound as stupid as I need to sound, as I'm in the raw of it?

I'm secretly hoping that his behaviour will continue in the same way with this woman so that she will eventually have the same problems he and I had, and he will dumped again for the same reasons - so he can see that I'M NOT A CRAZY WOMAN (as he would like to have me believe), that other women have the same issues with him too, and that he has to work on himself and not dump it all on me.

Is this a common wish for women in my position?

I know I'll move on from it sooner or later, but at the moment I'm really hoping this girlfriend will not get all the benefits of what I tried to work on in our relationship for so many years....childish, I know! But I need to vent and process.....

[Phoenix~Mama]

*hugs*

It will be okay, as you already know.

I actually never had those thoughts with my own UAV ex, but I know others have had similiar feelings to what you have.

The thing is most people do not change.  If the realtioship seems good on the surface for the parts you see, you can bet that behind closed doors all the same problems you had with him will be there.  You can't dwell on this sort of thing.  It prevents you from having your own happiness.  Letting go of whatever your ex does brings so much peace. 

It will come, be gentle with yourself and try not to let your ex and his relationship drive you nuts.  You have no control over it, and what will be will be. Worry about you and finding your own happiness.  *hugs*
 

[rubelin]

Yup, totally had similar thoughts when XH starting dating his gf. Though, it wasn't so much that I wished he'd get dumped, but definitely hoped (and still hope) that it would grow him up a bit and take some responsibility for his part in wrecking our relationship.

[anon_abroad]

One thing that is REALLY pissing me off is that I have literally BEGGED this man to communicate with me for over 2 years to come up with an agreement for the separation...and recently he cut off ALL communication and even stopped responding to emails... and now TODAY that he's 'getting some' with some hussy (please let me vent) he's playing Mr. Communication, wanting to talk about the separation agreement....and this just makes me want to EXPLODE with rage!!!! because I have been through HELL for the past 2.5 years dealing with a BRICK WALL...I hate it when men let their dicks rule their lives.
 

[floss&ferd]

But if he wants to rush through the separation/divorce stuff because the new gf is pushing it, it may work in your favor!  

Try to be positive about it!   He's going to want to get this done.

[anon_abroad]

Guess what? The very next day he announced that they are moving in together!!!

More enfuriating is that he is shocked I am not letting him throw our girls head first into his new relationship by letting them sleep over at the flat where the girlfriend is currently on holiday (she came here on a week's holiday to get to know him better and THE VERY FIRST DAY they decided they were going to build a life together - hence the announcement to me and the girls), he's accusing me of being selfish and using the kids as a way of getting back at him.

Communication between him and me is impossible, it's like we are pre-wired not to communicate, it's very dysfunctional. So there seems to be no effective way for me to verbally explain to him that I'm trying to let the kids (and myself) process this huge change that has been thrown at them literally out of the blue.

Might I add last vent? This all started with last Saturday, the night my kids sleep over at their dad's. Rather than telling us that this girl had arrived and he wanted to spend the night with her and not the girls, he fed them dinner with their grandparents and then LEFT THEM ALONE UNTIL 4.00AM!!!! they told me they stayed awake until 2.00am and then went to bed. But he did't let us know about until Monday.

And somehow this man makes me out to be a crazy woman. I just don't get it.
 

[Kate&Joey]

Oh anon_abroad, I hear you!

XH refused to discuss the draft divorce agreement for at least 10 months.  Then, once he was living with (i.e., using) his "soul mate," he suddenly had issues with the wording about "not having overnight visits with non-family members during parenting time."  He informed me that although he and his "soul mate" were going to be "together forever," they weren't going to get married so that shouldn't apply to him. 

He then proceeded to not tell me that she (and her son) were going to be along for the ride when he picked up DS for a Christmas visit with his family.  He showed up at 7:30 in the morning...after stashing GF and son at Target...with two car seats in the car.  Ummm, do you think I won't figure out what's going on?  Gleefully, the holiday time with his family apparently was too much for the "soul mate" and she dumped him during the trip. 

Then about 6 months later (I was granted the divorce without his input), he showed up for his next visit with yet another GF!  This one he insisted were "just friends," although he confided in me that he was basically using her and was going to dump her soon.  Poor thing, she tried so hard to be nice to me and to DS...having no clue that I was NEVER going to see her again.

Real nice examples to be showing DS during the 2 times he sees his father in a year!

[anon_abroad]

So this new girlfriend is literally moving into my bed in the 'marital home' before my husband and I will be legally separated.

I am trying to take the high road, but so so challenging.
 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Didn't you say you guys have been separated for 2.5 years?

[anon_abroad]

separated 'de facto' (is that how you say it?), but he never agreed to a legal separation until very recently, so that will happen at the end of September. Divorce will be 3 years after legal separation. His house is still my and the children's place of residence, since I can't change that until the separation, so now at city hall it appears 'husband, wife, children, girlfriend' all in the same house!

We live in a tiny village, less than 500 people, so this change feels very 'in your face'.
 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Wow!  And I thought PA had strict rules for divorce.  Ouch!  I'm sorry hon.  That does suck.  But I do hope you find peace and let it all go so you can move on too.  *hugs*
 

[Goodmom2008]

You may be able to legally prevent the girlfriend from moving in.  You can certainly make it uncomfortable for her. 

Why is it going to take 3 years from the legal separation to get the divorce?  Why not just skip the legal separation and get the divorce?  Now woud be a good time to push to get everything resolved while the "Miss Wonderful" effect is in place.  Once she gets tired of living with the wife, the girlfriend will dump your stbx and then you will be back to where you were before she came into the picture. 

[anon_abroad]

Oh no, sorry I wasn't clear! I mean that his house is still legally where my kids and I have residence and MUST have residence until the legal separation, but the kids and I actually live in a house nearby, not the same one. Sorry, I didn't make it clear, but for the authorities we still reside there, when in actual fact no, we live down the road.

I guess what I meant to say is that we had a certain balance in our lives which got turned upside down in a 48-hour period, from both of us being single and co-parenting, to him living with a woman and planning on having children together (I'm thinking within a year). Which knocked me over, as I wasn't sure how I would react to him falling in love for the first time post-separation, and there still is some hurt there. And having our situation magnified by the small Italian village life...bleah... (ex is Italian, I am North American, AND hence the crazy slow separation / divorce procedure).

But now I am tackling this issue: my kids normally sleep over at his house on Saturday nights, but the house is a one-bedroom, and my kids are 10 and 12 girls. The 12-year old is very impressionable in terms of relationships and intimacy. I discussed sleeping arrnagements with my ex (when we were a family we all slept in the same room: double bed + bunk bed) now that there is a new woman in the picutre and he literally thought they would all just sleep in the same room and why am I so f'n uptight?????!!!!!!

So now he says the kids can sleep at their grandparents (next door), so I know how that's going to turn out: the grandparents will end up getting the kids on Saturdays and my ex will only end up having dinner with them for an hour. Nice huh?

This whole change has just brought up so many issues that infuriate me PLUS I'm infuriated with myself for feeling hurt.

[hippiemombian]

I know how you feel. I left exH, I was the one that wanted out, and when I found out that his new girlfriend was pregnant after them being together for 4 months, I balled. I was seriously depressed about it for a week, crying all the time, a real hot mess. I had no idea that I would react that way especially since I left him! It does get better though, those first few firsts are hard. I would think its somewhat natural. Someone you spent a significant amount of time with, someone you had a life planned with, is now making other life plans. Even though its over, it's still raw.

[rocky]

Hugs.  I also divorced an Italian - we have 3 kids together.  I avoided the three year thing (4 years really) - because we divorced abroad.  (We had just moved to the Caribbean and I filed here).

I'm American, he's Italian and we divorced on a little Caribbean island.  The divorce agreement is in a language that neither of us even speak. )

My xh had a girlfriend while we were still married (our housekeeper!) and then another one (his intern!)... and so the hurt was probably a good deal worse.  The intern was back in Italy so he just packed up and left us all in the Caribbean to be with her.  He is still with her and I DEFINITELY have the thoughts you describe.  Although I do not dwell on them or even give either of them much thought.  I just kind of live with the knoweldge that he hasn't changed, he hasn't gotten help, he grew up in a world where men treat women like dirt and that is what he believes women should be treated like, his dad regularly verbally abuses his mom.  His dad is an ANGRY man - so is my xh  - so his new gf/affair partner - well she doesn't have it good.  She, meanwhile chose a gem of a guy who moves 3000 miles away from his kids to have an affair... and,l well, she was having an affair too.  They can so totally have eachother.  It warms my heart actually... but I digress. 

What I would do in your situation:  gather information.  Stay sober, clear-headed and sane and USE this to your advantage.  I really mean this very very very seriously.  Get the agreement you want and get it signed now before they break up and while he is still in the throes of the new romance!  He is not paying any attention to you - he wants the agreement signed - so don't sit around wishing bad things on him.  Use this to your advantage.  Add things in that you don't want and let him negotiate them out.  Work with the fact that he wants it done and just focus, stay clearheaded and get it done.  Do not act like you want it done, do not act in a hurry but give him deadlines, give him motivation to sign.  If he is asking to get it done, though, take full advantage of this moment.  And make sure you and your kids are fully taken care of.   Figure out what you want and how you will get it.  No drama just think of it as business and forget he is your stbxh.  Treat him like you'd treat a business transaction - (no crying, no emotion just yes, no, maybe... ok sign).  If you can write the agreement in English instead of Italian that would be to your advantage.  I am totally fluent in Italian but xh is only so so in English.  Agreement in English means he has to be even more awake - and xh (Italian men?) is lazy (expects his mother will do it for him?).  It's way too much to read 4 pages of english (and Italian mom won't go there nor will she be able to read the english).  Also harder for him to negotiate in english.  I now send all e-mails to him in English.  I still speak to him in Italian but communicate in writing only in English.  He responds in both.  I am sure it gives me an advantage.

Your marriage is over - it's been over and the Italian law is what's getting in the way of giving you closure.  But I'd go about pretending I was already divorced.  When xh left (end of 2008) - I was under the impression I'd have to wait 4 years - 1 yr of separation and 3 yrs of divorce.  It seemed an eternity and the only way I'd be able to handle it would be to go about life as a divorced person.  I later found out I could file here.  I had advice from many people - one was picking up and moving with the kids back home, getting residence there for 6 months and filing from there. It probably is a long shot but you can speak with a lawyer from home about it.  Especially if he is refusing to legally separate.  Because of that you can also get help from the American (or Canadian?) consulate.  That would be human rights issues.  A friend who is a retired judge told me in my case doing what I just suggested "Any judge would see right through that" but in YOUR case if he is refusing to legally separate it is different.  you move home, you file from home.  And no 3 yr wait.  I don't know if that is something you'd consider - or if you want to continue living there.  I cannot imagine small village Italian life as a divorcee. 

I have a LOT to say on Italian men married to American women.  but that is for another thread...

hugs

[anon_abroad]

OMG, you undertsand where I'm coming from!!!!!

I have a LOT to say on Italian men married to American women.

ME TOOO!!!!! :-)  BAD combination, right?

he grew up in a world where men treat women like dirt and that is what he believes women should be treated like, his dad regularly verbally abuses his mom.  His dad is an ANGRY man - so is my xh

EXACTLY MY CASE!

xh (Italian men?) is lazy (expects his mother will do it for him?).

Yes, it's the Italian MEN.

I don't have time for more but will write again later!

[rocky]

lol - I sent you a pm.  check your messages.  I can completely relate.  I also have analyzed the situation to the extreme.