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What's so great about having kids, again?

Poll Results: If you could go back in time to before you had kids, would you?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 9% (2)
    I'll be honest...yes.
  • 50% (11)
    NO! I love my little angel blessing sweetie snickerdoodle bundle of joy and wouldn't change anything for everything!!!
  • 40% (9)
    Maybe...I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to flee into the night.
22 Total Votes  
post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 

Let me start things off by saying I know how sex works. I did it, I'm responsible, it's my problem (but not my choice)...I get it. I accidentally made a kid, and now my purpose is to raise her. All that I understand...but how exactly is this a blessing? From this angle, all I see is that I need to get better with birth control.

People always told me this was some miracle...looks an awful lot like an accident to me. Let's see, I'm now stuck with an unwanted responsibility for the next 17+ years, have to deal with the other party involved on some level for that long (and oh what a treat it is), am having my wages garnished for child and baby mama support, and haven't had 10 minutes to myself since I should have that one night. If this is a blessing, it's wearing a great disguise.

I never really wanted kids...didn't really stop me from getting one. That is what it is, but the fact that everyone tells me that I should be happy about it and thinks it's so great pisses me off. it's not that I hate kids, I have nieces, nephews, and baby cousins, and they're fine because I can send them back to their parents when they're done being cute. I just don't like being stuck with one of my own, and I don't think I ever will.

I do what I have to do anyway...I just want to know what's so great about it.

post #2 of 10

Wait.

 

That's all i can suggest.  I had my eldest, unplanned, with my ex.  I would be lying if i said every moment of our lives has been joyous ever since.  But the bigger she has gotten, the more we have known her (especially him, because i left him when she was 4 months old so he had to try much harder than me in their limited time together to bond - he had a lot more than the "usual" every other weekend charade, but still, 5 afternoons a week and 2 overnights ISN'T the full time a lot of dads enjoy) the more joy she has brought.

 

She's 6 now.  It's been a long road.  I've had a planned baby since and it's a whole different animal.  But i don't regret my eldest.  Neither does her dad.  We are amazed by her.  She's a remarkable little person, this school break she informed me she didn't want to "do the stupid reading assignment" at the library and read Calvin and Hobbes cartoons all summer instead!  Which i think rocks.  Having her grew me up in ways i didn't enjoy and sometimes didn't think possible.  Her being here on earth and needing me and him has changed everything for us.  Every. Thing.  But overall i am happier with who i am now, i'm not that selfish kid-grown-up i was then.  Of course back then i thought i was perfect but in retrospect i was far from it!

 

Anyway, kids grow on you.  I think a LOT of men, whether they planned the baby or not, whether they were eager or not, struggle with the infant stage.  My other half certainly did.  But now our kid together is 2 and she is all. about. daddy.  They're partners in crime!  Your joy might not be now, it might be in 2 years, or 5 or 10 or 17+.  But if you put the effort in to know and love your kid you will start to reap the rewards, it's inescapable.  With parenting, like so many things, you only get out what you put in.  So create some joy in your little one's life and pretty soon you'll begin to find it returned into yours.

 

Best of luck!

post #3 of 10
You sound a lot like my brother, except he has no children and refuses to have sex because that's how they are made. I agree with GoBecGo in that children grow on you. The infant stage is really hard on guys, it was hard on me and even harder on my husband. Now our son is 3.5 and he is just starting to enjoy him and be able to interact with him. It's been a really long road, but just give it time and I think you will get there. I think its going to be harder for you because it doesn't sound like you live with your child, but work at it and one it will all work out. I know how horrible it is when people keep telling you how happy you should be and trying to force emotion on you, people do it to me all the time and it really sucks. I really hope everything gets better for you.
post #4 of 10

Children are a blessing! They move us from selfishness to selflessness which is quite possibly our highest human calling. You've got a lot of work to do and your daughter is going to show you the way...if you let her! If you don't and continue to consider her a burden, then you will miss out on the greatest blessing in life....giving up your life for someone else in order to receive LIFE! 

 

The accident part is true. You probably (and statistically speaking) should have created another being in the context of a healthy marriage that can withstand the test of time and endure years of child-rearing. Just because the situation under which she was created is not ideal, doesn't mean she isn't the ideal blessing to help shift your self-centeredness into serving another human being. 

 

Blessings definitely do come in disguise..you're right about that one! What you're wrong about is---you are responsible for her until the day she dies or you die. Seventeen years should be more like 40+!

 

Keep your heart open! You're in for a wild ride! 

post #5 of 10

Having kids is okay. You'll survive! You're not a bad dad if you don't feel thrilled about it every second. Babies can be difficult, and there are always financial worries.

post #6 of 10

If you do what you have to do out of duty but not of love, don't feel bad about it, not just yet :)

You might find that love comes in time. And you will see what's great about having kids when that little one will be smiling at you, when will be telling you you're the greatest dad on Earth, when will ask silly or very wise questions, when you'll teach them how to swim/ride a bike, when they come to you for affection and when you'll see your qualities and way of doing things in your little one. 

 

Someone said if babies weren't cute (and it wasn't only about looks), nobody would want them. And in a couple of years, when you'll not believe how fast they grew up, you might find yourself (without being able to explain it) longing for that soon to be adult to be little again, or have another little one. Just never say never. If you are willing to invest in your parenting skills and have a good relationship with your child and her mother, you can even have a chance to happiness :)

 

 

ps. It's really important to get time for yourself and for both you and your partner (if you still want and love eachother). It's harder when the baby is only few months old but with planning it will get better soon. 

 

So I hope you'll find your way. 

post #7 of 10

Having kids is a huge sacrifice if you didnt want them. I have a friend that didnt want kids, and she tells me on the regular that she cant wait until hers is out of the house (shes 4). It's kind of like thinking your mother in law is a bad cook- if you didnt want to get married, and you dont want to go to her house for christmas, all you will find is the bad. If you are excited to be there and you want to be a part of her family, you will look for the good.

 

Same goes for kids- if all you can think about is everything youre missing out on, how you never get any time to yourself, how your babymama isnt the person you wanted to be attached to forever, etc- then it's pretty likely that you are going to have a hard time seeing what's so great about having kids. If you make the mental change from "single guy who likes to have fun and play with kids and send them home" to "Daddy first, Heeldaddy second" then it may be easier to enjoy all the cute, awesomeness that kiddos provide.

post #8 of 10

I would go back in time but I would still have kids.  I would just choose a different father for them.

post #9 of 10

oh poor you - I have to put my hand up and say I had a termination 20 years ago because I just couldn't make the sacrifice then and waited until I was in my late thirties before getting pregnant again because I wanted a father for my kids who wanted to be there 100% (unlike my own father). Even still my wonderful partner took about 2 years to settle into dad mode - now I'm the outsider! I think everyone has given you great advice, just give it time and do your best with the Mama. My sister had a terrible relationship with her baby daddy but after a few years they figured it out. They still hate each other but their dd is a wonderfully happy 8 year old with both parents in her life.  Just nod and smile when people tell you how to feel. I guarantee if you were stoked about it people would be falling over themselves to remind you how much fun you should be having, and asking if you don't really feel trapped etc. As for the blessings - all I can say is spend as much time as you can with your little one because it really is the tiniest things that make the most difference

post #10 of 10

TROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

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