Baby won't nap, everyone suggesting CIO please help me!

[clairebear3]

My DD has never really napped alone, even from the moment she was born she has always needed to be worn or held (not necessarily by me).

I had just kind of accepted it that for 45mins in-between each feed I would be stuck on the couch or trotting around with her in the Beco trying to get things done with one hand.  We had an appointment at the health visitors office last week and she told me if she doesn't start napping alone by 6 months she will be so aware of what she likes she won't sleep at night without being held either.  so far nights haven't been a problem.  This freaked me out.

I have really been trying the last two days to get her to nap alone.  It def works better in her crib, which is pushed up against our bed upstairs, than downstairs.  It only seems to work if she falls asleep into a really deep sleep on me and I can slowly slowly transfer her into her bed with her paci.  The slightest noise, like me turning on the baby monitor will wake her up.  Sometimes she wakes up the second she is in her bed.  I have read the No Cry sleep Solution and am now carrying a lovie around in my shirt to make it smell like me.  I would love LOVE to get some things done, my house and body are a complete mess.

I try to watch for her sleepy cues but she goes from awake and playing to making 'uh uh' i'm really tired noises in a second.  I'm EPing so I can't always jump up and get her.  This morning she fell asleep taking her bottle (I had already pumped) but I had not had any breakfast of washed any bottles so I tried to put her in her play pen, she was back awake within a second.

I was talking to a neighbor and she said when she was little she wouldn't sleep so her parents left her in her bad, took the baby monitor and went next door and let her CIO for 30 mins for 3 nights, only going to check when it was quiet!  I said to my DH i'm soooo far from trying that and he said why not?  Everyone recommends it, although 30 mins is to long but surely 10 couldn't help!!!!  I let her grumble and then cry for about 4 mins while I emptied the dishwasher this morning and I was nearly crying myself...

A lot of the books recommend going back to her when she wakes up and stroking her or singing but this all means absolutely nothing to my DD.  This morning I caved and put her in the Beco, which doesn't fit her that great, so she could at least sleep but sometimes it's also just too hot to wear her plus I have to keep on the move so i'm typing this rocking really a lot.  Someone suggested a swing but isn't that just swapping one evil for another?  Won't she become addicted to that?  I'm so worried about this 6 month cut off point.

Does anyone have some TRIED and TESTED ideas?  Anyone in a similar situation?  At least in the evenings if I let her nap on me I can sit and be with DH for a while, otherwise I hardly see him because i'm battling it out in the bedroom with DD.  I'm going on more and more walks because I know she sleeps in the pram but come winter that won't be an option anymore.

Please help.

[element2012]

I think it's all about what works for you and your family. My 6 mo DD is the same way, really won't nap.  Do you have a swing? I can sometimes get her to nap for 30-45 minutes in the swing.  We bedshare, so I am sure she is just used to being next to someone.  I do wonder sometimes if I *should* do some kind of sleep training, but I don't care for getting my sleep interrupted so as to train her to sleep.  I know this time will go by very fast and she will soon be an independent toddler, so why stress if she sleeps for 2 2 hour naps in the day and 10 hours at night right now?  Unless that's important to you.  For me, it's not. I just work around her, try to get her to nap in the swing or in the Moby while I get some things done, or quite often I lay down with her and get some things done on the laptop in bed with her, like right now.  If I were to try sleep training (that's a big IF), I would try the No Cry Sleep Solution. Hopefully someone else can share some tips to actually get your LO to sleep...

[Tara Borin]

Oh mama, I feel for you. My son is 11 months old now, and we're just getting to the point where I can leave him napping on his own and get things done myself. He'll stay down for about an hour on his own, and if I can catch him before he fully awakes, he'll nap for another hour (or longer) after that. We co-sleep, so usually I lay down with him until he is in a deep sleep. It has taken time to get to the point where I can leave him in the bed once he's sleeping, though. I would say keep on going to your daughter when she wakes, settle her and reassure her that you're there and will respond to her needs.  

In the first 6 months, my son would often nap in his carrier, while I moved about the house. You mentioned that the Beco carrier doesn't fit your daughter all that great. Have you thought of trying a different kind? I loved the Moby wrap in the first 6 months, found it so snuggly and my babe loved it, too. I use an Ergo carrier now. 

I would also say to forget about this 6-month window business. I think babies are ever-changing, and just because your baby needs to be close to you to sleep right now doesn't mean it's going to be that way forever. What she needs now is your warmth and closeness, but if you fill that need, it will go away eventually. There will come a time when she learns to sleep on her own! 

Until then, I would say enjoy the 45 minutes after feeding, have a book or magazine handy, relax, have a nap yourself! 

[Nicole730]

I would definitely try a swing.  My son had a hard time sleeping on his own, but would take somewhat decent naps in a swing.

[clairebear3]

Thanks so much for your replies!

Yesterday I just gave up and gave myself a day off, I was getting so stressed out.  I think the EPing is just making it worse, I didn't get much sleep last night.  LO woke up at 7 ready to play so I got up early to pump and have breakfast before i fed her at 9.30, she had the hiccups and was getting pretty stressed out so i had to stop pumping but then she fell asleep while drinking her bottle, I  took her into our bed, slipped her off and she slept for 2 hours!  I had to stay there and keep popping the paci in.  After lunch we were sitting outside and she got really sleepy so i tried to put her in her bed and after about 20 seconds she started crying, I would go and stroke her head etc but it didn't help, this lasted for about 10 mins until I gave up and picked her up.  Another friend told me that she let her son CIO for 2 hours!!  My DD starts coughing after 2 mins!  I just can't face it!

I think she will def sleep in a swing but I don't know if i'm just putting off the problem, what if she won't sleep at night then without being in the swing?

As far as I can tell the No Cry Sleep Solution is just picking them up every time they cry... my LO cries almost instantly so it would just be up down up down...

pfff I just don't know what to do

Thanks so much, it's helpful to hear from people who have been there, did you also having everyone pressuring you to let them CIO?

[clairebear3]

I forgot to add that I do have a Moby which she loves.  At the moment it's a bit hot though and I always get the thing too tight and have trouble getting the 'safety belt' up or too loose.  she seems to hang more than sit.  What age can you use them upto?

I am going to try to make the waist strap on the Beco smaller, even on the smallest setting it's a bit loose so she doesn't have much support.  She always cries when I take her out, i'm not sure if her legs are so far apart that it hurts or because the fabric leaves marks on her skin.  I hope she will grow into it soon because I love it.  I might have to take the buckles off from the inside where you clip the infant insert into it though because they are right at eye level at the mo.  I love that it supports her head a little...

[element2012]

I think you can use a Moby to 35 pounds? I find I need to wash it more often now to keep it taught.

[kanani]

Hi Mama, just writing to tell you: Forget about that 6mo cut off!

I've been where you are - my DD is now 13mo and has only recently started sleeping without being held or snuggled. For the first year of her life, we did her AM nap in the carrier (on the move; no sitting still) and her PM nap in the bed right next to me (if I rolled away, she'd wake up almost immediately; it didn't matter how deeply she had been sleeping). At night, we'd co-sleep -- and once she went down, I was stuck in bed next to her for the rest of the night. I often felt pressured to try some sort of sleep training -- it seemed like every one else's babies slept better than mine. It was incredibly frustrating and I often felt alone in this.

One thing that helped me was having my DH take over bedtime at around 6mo. At some point I realized that I needed a break. After battling her to sleep twice during the day, I was too depleted to do it a third time for the night. So DH would wear her in the carrier for a walk around the neighborhood until she dozed off, then bring her into the house. He would continue to wear her until our bedtime, and we would transfer her into the bed together (usually with me nursing her through the transition).

DD's sleep did get better with time -- and with very little intervention from me -- but it was erratic: things would seem to progress, and then get frustratingly difficult again (especially during tough developmental phases: learning to crawl or walk, "wonder weeks", teething). It seems like recently, her sleep improvements have been more consistent. Now, if I nurse her down in bed, I can roll away and do other things while she sleeps/naps. It is awesome!

So back to that 6mo cut off: Hang in there, and try not to feel pressured. You aren't creating bad habits just because you haven't done CIO. Over the past year, I've come to realize that this struggle to get baby to sleep independently is rarely linear ... even my mom friends who have done CIO continue to have their own recurring nighttime/naptime issues. We all deal with it in our own ways (and some seem to have a tougher go of it than others), but I firmly believe these issues will resolve themselves when baby is ready. Not likely before then.

[marsupial-mom]

If I remember correctly, until my son was a year I didn't count on specific naptimes. We just did our thing and if he was awake he was awake and if he was asleep he was asleep. If I really wanted him to sleep then there were some tricks I could use (moby, swing, swaddling, car ride, buzzy baby seat, etc) but mostly I just concentrated on keeping him awake as much as possible during daytime so he would sleep at night time. Then after a year (maybe sooner, like 10 monts?) we started scheduling things. It worked well because by then I wanted a real schedule so we could take baby classes with him - and he needed to be awake for those. So I planned things around two naps a day. But honestly, those naps were so different from night time. I think that nurse or whomever you talked to is crazy. Babies don't have to have the exact same situation for every single time they sleep. They can understand that bed time is different from nap time. Bed time might be alone in a crib and nap time can mean in the moby (or whatever). They are smart! They key is to find something that works for you and be consistent about it. Babies and children thrive in routine, when they can know what to expect and know it's not complete chaos. So just create a routine that works for you - not a routine that others tell you is what you're supposed to do.

[clairebear3]

Well yesterday and today we have had 4 naps alone in her crib :)  She seems to need to nap 1 1/2 hrs after drinking and typically for about 45mins.  She starts moaning a bit and I walk around with her in my arms with her paci until she falls asleep, it's always tummy to tummy.  Then I took her into our room, closed the window and pulled the blinds, then I wrapped her in a very light blanket so that she was feeling the blanket and not my skin, she kept sleeping, then I laid my breast feeding cushion, in her bed (which must smell like me a lot) and laid her tummy to tummy with it and kind of pulled the blanket over it and tucked it in to keep her on her side kind of like a hammock.  I watched her on the baby monitor because I was a bit nervous of the cushion near her face.  I had to come in once or twice to pop the paci back in her mouth but it was unbelievable.  It just shows that there is hope and i'm so glad that I didn't let her CIO.  In the evenings I might continue just to let her sleep on me.

I'm not sure if it's a coincidence that it's very warm here and that helps, or that I just started giving her some rice cereal and she sleeps at night much better or is it just one of those things, I don't know.  I have read somewhere that daytime naps are important to nighttime sleep but I guess each baby is different.  She generally only sleeps for 45 mins but if it's time for her bottle and she's still sleeping I gently wake her up.  I'm really going to keep trying this routine and see how it goes :)

Thanks everyone!
 

[Heather Lyn]

6 months was when my son (now 1) started being able to nap on his own (ie., not latched on to a breast or sleeping in an Ergo).  We never did CIO.  My philosophy is that sometimes babies cry, and you don't always have to try to get them to stop (sometimes you can't) but you can make sure that they're not crying alone. 

I let him take "suction naps"  :)  until he outgrew them at around 6 months, at which point I laid him in the co-sleeper and gave him his pacifier and a blanket and pretended to be asleep myself (in bed next to him).  After about 20 minutes he realized that I wasn't getting up and playing, I was sleeping.  And he cried, not hysterically though, for a few minutes and then fell asleep.  At first he would only sleep 20 minutes, but eventually he could do up to 2 hours (as long as I was still in the room).  He moved into his own room at 9 months old because he slept better there than with us.  That week, I laid him down in his pack n play and walked out of the room one afternoon.  I heard him making little sleepy noises and and 10 minutes later he was out.  At age 1, he takes two naps a day in his own room.  I think he just learned to associate sleep with his pacifier and blanket instead of my breast.

Not sure if this helps; my point is just that he went from ONLY sleeping on me (for six months) to being able to fall asleep completely independently by 9 months old, and we never did any sleep "training."  If he cried, it was as he was going to sleep with me right there next to him, stroking his cheek and replacing his pacifier.  I never left him to cry alone in a room for more than like, one minute - and now I can just put him in his pack n play and he falls asleep without a word. 

Find people (on this forum, or near you, or on the phone) who are not doing CIO and get support from them - you don't have to do it.

[Tara Borin]

Glad to hear things are getting better!

[sageowl]

You don't say how old your child is, but I can tell you that mine didn't begin to nap alone probably until 6-7 months, so I'm not surprised that yours isn't either.

It's annoying to never have time to do anything around the house, and be "held hostage" by a child that won't sleep unless you're holding them, but eventually they grow out of it, get better at sleeping for longer periods of time (sleeping consolidates) and this will be a thing of the past.  You don't have to do anything fancy or resort to CIO to get there.  At some point, they just get better at staying asleep (change from infant sleep patterns to something more stable), and you can actually put them down (very carefully) and walk away without them waking up every single time. 

I wouldn't worry about the "6 months or else" ultimatum.  All of my sons early sleep preferences (sleeping ON mama, sleeping in mama's arms, sleeping next to mama, napping in a swing, napping in the pram, napping in the car) have gradually faded in the direction of sleeping alone and I let him take the lead, when he was ready, and that worked fine.  Just because they like sleeping with you now, doesn't mean they'll necessarily be doing it as teenagers.

>Someone suggested a swing but isn't that just swapping one evil for another?  Won't she become addicted to that? 

Short term, maybe, but in our case, this was a phase that resolved by itself when the problem with reflux cleared up (my baby had reflux pretty bad and could only sleep inclined, hence the napping in the swing.  I figured it was better than napping in the car seat).

>I'm so worried about this 6 month cut off point.

Ignore it.  It's an arbitrary number.  Your kid will get better at napping when she's ready.  Hang in there, you WILL get your life back, and it will get easier.
 

[clairebear3]

Oh thank you thank you for your kind words everyone.

It's so nice to hear that things will get better!

I'm having some luck with laying on her side when she's asleep but it's a bit hit and miss.  Even the nights are odd at the mo, she normally sleeps to between 5-6am, this morning she woke at 12.30 and never really got back into a deep sleep.  I think she maybe woke up because she was cold, the heatwave ended in the night, and that was it!  I slept with my hands through the bars on her crib holding her on her side   That's when she wasn't getting her legs stuck through the bars!

LO is 4 months so i was really stressing that I only had two months to sort things out, I will disregard that though.  I will keep trying at every nap time apart from in the evening (then I prefer her to be on me) and see how it goes.  Yesterday the rubbish van and a low flying jet woke her up!

Thanks again for all your advice!
 

[clairebear3]

Oh boy, here I was worrying about the days and now the nights have gone to HELL!

I don't know what's going on.

DD gets her last bottle around 9.30 and would typically sleep until around 5-6am.  I would pop the paci back in several times but I would do it practically in my sleep.  Then she started waking up at around 3am.  The nurse said maybe she's not getting enough calories during the day and to up her bottles.  I also started giving her rice cereal before bedtime and this worked like a charm for 2 days.  Then she was back up at 3am, I thought because she napped to close to bedtime, I rocked her back to sleep and gave the bottle like normal at 6am.  Then she was up at 12.30am, I thought she was cold because the heatwave ended, kept giving her the paci and helped her to lay on her side (holding her pjamas all night) because she seemed to go off better like this.  Next night back awake at 12.30, kept giving her the paci but gave up at 4am and slept the rest of the night until 6am in my arms with me sitting bolt upright in bed.  Last night she was awake at 12.30 again, gave her the paci etc, went to pick her up at 4am and there was no way I couldn't give her a bottle.  She drank 180ml and then slept until about 7.45.  So todays routine of every three hours in completely messed up and she has had an extra bottle.  When she wakes she isn't crying but looking for her paci and rolling onto my side (the crib is pushed against the bed) and getting her feet stuck through the bars because she is always bent double.  She can't roll over but she can get on her side.

I thought if she usually sleeps until 6ish she couldn't be hungry and I didn't want to get her back in the pattern of night feeds, plus I doubt I could soothe her back to sleep then?  She is showing some signs of teething (still can't can't see anything going on in her mouth) so maybe it's that.  Growth spurt?  Sleep regression?  I don't know but I really can't function on 2hrs sleep a night!!!
 

[Louplus2]

Please, please, please do not listen to people suggesting CIO, what I have noticed when talking to these people is that it works for a short amount of time and then something will happen like a milestone, teething whatever and then they would have to do it all over again. Also total nonesense about this 6 month mark, it really is. That sounds like old school to me.

Stressed mama and definitely stressed babe. When I read about CIO, they definitely do not recommend leaving the baby for 2 hours to cry or even 30 mins. It's 10 mins max. Your babe just wants to feel close to you, you or DH make her feel safe and secure. That's all.

Hugs mama, I know how difficult this is, I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. My 1 year old still falls asleep nursing, and wakes numerous times in the night for a feed back to sleep. We co-sleep so it's not too bad. But ugh I know it's hard. I remember 4 - 7 months were quite a tough time aswell.

She totally could be teething.I would try some teething powder before she goes to bed, and if she wakes in the night. Their teeth move around so they could be uncomfortable for her right now.

You are doing a great job, your babe will feel secure and will have trust in you, because you are listening to her needs and responding.

Try to rest when you can and if DH could take over for a couple of nights a week. It won't last long, I promise.

[Heather Lyn]

Two more quick things -  (1) Just when I thought I would literally lose my mind with sleep deprivation, he started doing longer stretches.  Now, at 11 months, he wakes up once or twice a night on most nights.  I'm sure this would be awful for some people - for me, compared to the early days, it's heaven.  :)

(2) No one was pressuring me to do CIO, but almost everyone said things like "I mean, obviously you have to sleep train him at some point" or "we did CIO and you know, it was really hard for a few days, but it will change your life."  Even people who didn't encourage CIO said things like "he's still not sleeping through the night?!" with a puzzled look on their faces as if to suggest I had to be doing something bizarro to ruin his sleep. 

It was clear to me that almost all my friends and family were doing some form of CIO, and I flat out stopped talking to them about sleep.  This was a good decision on my part.  I found the two close friends of mine who were doing what I was doing (just waiting it out, drinking coffee and taking as many naps as possible) and we commiserated on the phone at least once a week. 

This forum and the blog Ask Moxie saved my life!  Hang in their and trust your instincts.  You seem like you're doing a great job.  :)

[clairebear3]

Soooo strangely enough the naps are going fine but since then, as I posted before, the nights are terrible.  She used to sleep through the night, now she can wake as early as 12.30am.  I spent last night bolt upright in bed holding her again.  She clearly isn't hungry otherwise she wouldn't of slept in my arms until 6am so I don't know if it's the rolling around that's the problem or teeth waking her up and then rolling around.

I'm considering breaking out the miracle blanket tonight and swaddling her from the armpits down.  The only thing is that i'm worried if it's safe or not.  Now that she's rolling (not to her belly) to the left and right what if she rolls over and gets stuck?  I don't think she uses her arms very much to roll, more the legs so maybe if she accidentally goes all the way she won't be able to get back.

Any thoughts?   It's kind of my last resort...
 

[RosieL]

Is she about 4 months old? Mind stopped sleeping long stretches right at 4 months, and it seems like it's just a really common sleep regression age that is as-yet unexplained. My theory is on growth and brain development.

[RosieL]

Someone else posted "Ask Moxie" in this thread. Here's the specific one on regressions: http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006/02/qa_what_are_sle.html