So, I think we're weaning. I am struggling with this. Here's the 411.
At about a year I just kinda stopped being able to make milk for the pump. DS was on solids then so I just nursed him at home and he drank almond milk at daycare. No biggie.
Cut to oh, about a month and a half ago, he bit me. Bad. Like, drew blood broke the skin bit me. And I got a Staph infection as a result. If you've ever had a staph infection in your ducts you know how incredibly painful it is. For hours after a nurse, you feel like hot knives are shooting up your breasts toward your back.
My doctor told me I can keep nursing if I want, just to take ibuprofen and that as the infection heals, the pain will subside. I also have a scab on the breast he bit me, and (sorry if this is gross), everytime he nurses, he basically tears it open again.
Healing is long and painful.
DS rarely nurses anymore. He sometimes won't nurse for a whole day. I offer the breast every night and some nights he takes it for a few minutes, other nights he isn't interested. I'm not doing a whole lot to try to keep our bf'ing relationship afloat because it just hurts so friggin much to nurse.
My goal was to nurse for a year. I am at 14 months.
I know moms who've weaned earlier and moms who couldn't bf at all. I judge none of them and think they are crazy good moms.
Somehow, though, for me, I can't apply that same standard. I feel like because I "screwed up" birth, that I have to nurse longer than anyone else to prove something. I feel like I'm selfish if I give up on nursing now because I'm in pain. But then, I think about the 3 days of unmedicated labor, the c-section, the painful initial breastfeeding (pain that lasted FOUR MONTHS), and I just feel like, haven't I had enough pain? I don't want to remember nursing this way. I want to remember how it didn't totally suck for a while.
But I can't forgive myself. I feel like if we wean, I'm a failure at just one more thing. DH said, "Well how long would be enough for you? Would you be done proving something to the world when you hit 18 months? Three years? Six?" And I realized, as was his intent, that no number was ever going to be enough, really.
I know all this, but when I think of weaning I think, "You're such a quitter. Are you really going to throw in the towel like you did on your labor?"
Ugh. Anyone else struggle w/this?