Is 20 months old too young to be away for weekend?

[Jen Smith]

My mother in law and sister in law want to take my 20 month old daughter for a weekend trip. (3 days, 2 nights) I have never been away from my daughter for more than a few hours when I am working, and she is with her father when she isn't with me. She knows them both well and is comfortable with them. But I just don't know if I am comfortable with not taking care of her for that long. Am I being overbearing and controlling?? Or is it reasonable to feel this way? I just don't know what to do, my husband is fine with it so it's all up to me of course. I don't know if she will stick to her schedule when I am not around because my mother in law is always saying I should do things another way, so I think she will do things her way and mess up the schedule we have made for her. Plus, I don't think I can handle being away from her for that long. Any advice is so helpful!! As you can see, I'm a mess. Thank you!!! 

[annaknitsspock]

I don't think you're being unreasonable or overbearing at all! If she's never been away from you overnight I think it's totally understandable that you wouldn't make this decision lightly. Here are a few thoughts:

What is her sleeping situation? Does she sleep in a crib or with you? Does she sleep through the night? Does she go to bed easily? Has she ever gone to sleep anywhere other than your home (if you went on a vacation with her yourself, or slept over at someone else's house)? I think this would be by prime concern--if she's never even been away from you for more than a few hours, she might get really freaked out by having to try to fall asleep in a totally foreign location.

When is the proposed trip? Do you have time to have her do some trial runs with your MIL and SIL? You could have her spend an entire day with them, sleep over at their house, etc. It seems like a pretty huge leap to go from never having been away from you for more than a few hours to spending an entire weekend away. 

I would also think about what benefits you imagine your daughter taking from this trip. If you think she'll love it and have an amazing time, it's probably worth the disruption of her schedule, which you can most likely ease her back into after she gets back. But if you think it will be stressful for her and she'll be miserable, then obviously it's not worth it. 

You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. You're the mom and only you know your daughter's limits. If you want her to be able to go, I would try doing some practice runs and see how she does. 

Good luck, mama! I think you're being totally reasonable. 

[northwoods]

Ditto above. Well said!

[mamazee]

I would take into consideration where she sleeps, how she falls asleep, whether she's nursing, and how verbal she is - how well you can explain what is happening and where you'll be and how well she'll be able to understand it. Also, whether you'll be able to call her on the phone and really talk to her.

Edited to add:

So really it depends on the specific kid. I'm sure there are kids that age who can handle it with no trouble, and I'm sure there are kids who would have trouble. But the above questions are what would help me decide if it were my kid.

[Caneel]

DS is past the toddler years but the title of this post jumped at me.

Our DS was a few weeks shy of his 2nd birthday when we left him with my mom for a night.  She had wanted an overnight for quite some time (he is the sun, moon and stars to her and I grew up with regular Nana sleepovers, it is a family tradition) and it was so hard for us to do it and we have zero issues with my mom, we knew she would do everything "our way" and that he was in great hands.  Still, I did cry when they pulled away from the station and I am fairly certain I shoved someone out of the way as we climbed the stairs at the station on the way home.  (they were standing at the top of the stairs waiting for us.)  The first time was definately the hardest.

What are their plans for this trip?  Are there other children involved?  If your SIL has kids and it is a "lets take all the kids and do XYZ" type of event, I would probably vote yes. 

But if your not comfortable, say no and wait a while longer.

[proudMoMmy2634]

I have not tried this yet but if she is not breastfeeding.  But I also think 3 days and 2 nights too long.

[Bokonon]

If you don't want to do it, don't let them pressure you.  She's YOUR baby.

That said, I left my baby (with her dad at home) for a weekend while I visited a friend when DD was 19 months old and still nursing fairly often.  *I* needed the break because she was a very high needs baby.  She did great, but she was in her own home with her brother and father.  She nursed to sleep when I got home from the airport, and she continued to nurse for several more months.

I would never have let a family member pressure me into taking my first for that long, or overnight at all at that age.  My second was just so challenging that DH encouraged me to take some time away and I looked forward to it.  In your situation, I think just saying NO should be adequate.  Your baby, your choice.

[Jen Smith]

Thank you everyone for all your advice!! It makes me feel better to know that people agree with me, I felt like I was crazy because my husband and in-laws don't see it as a big deal. But you are right! My baby, my choice :) Thank you so much.

[Anca]

Ohhh, what a mistake, when I voted I answered to the post subject question with "yes" but actually answering to the poll question would be no, so I'm sorry for this. 

She wouldn't be too young IF she was used to stay with one of them for more than a few hours and especially the night but given the reality, I wouldn't let mine. 

On the other hand, couldn't you go all of you for the week-end away? :)

[sageowl]

I'm pretty sure it depends on the kid and how well they do with parental separation.  With my kid, no way.

If your kid has never been away from you overnight, doesn't accept changes to existing routines, and isn't flexible about sleeping in different places, I'd say no way.  Definitely not for 3 nights.  I'd start with just one, at first and see how that goes.

Also, you don't say this, but is this a visiting someone in their home kind of trip, or traveling and staying in hotels kind of trip?  That makes a big difference too.

Personally, I don't think it would work well at that age.  I don't know about your child, but mine was a super-cling-monkey at that age, and DID NOT want to be away from mama for any reason.  Even now, at 30 months, he's still too young for an over-nighter in my opinion.  So feel free to say you'd rather wait if your gut feeling is that your little one is not ready.  Or even if it's just YOU who isn't ready...like another poster said, this is YOUR baby! 

[Fulhouse]

I believe it is absolutely wrong to take a baby away from his caregiving parent(s ) even overnight for the first 3 years. Exception: emergency, birth of baby. Also, if gramma or nanny watches baby all day, an overnight with them wouldn't be so bad. But one should avoid time apart for all but essential things. Weddings, parties, not essential. And a baby never needs to travel with relatives. Ridiculous. Sorry but I believe attachment parenting makes for better, more secure humans.

[graciegal]

Originally Posted by Fulhouse 

I believe it is absolutely wrong to take a baby away from his caregiving parent(s ) even overnight for the first 3 years. Exception: emergency, birth of baby. Also, if gramma or nanny watches baby all day, an overnight with them wouldn't be so bad. But one should avoid time apart for all but essential things. Weddings, parties, not essential. And a baby never needs to travel with relatives. Ridiculous. Sorry but I believe attachment parenting makes for better, more secure humans.

So the rest of us make insecure people because we let our kids stay with auntie? Orbecause we have jobs that we love and send them to daycare? Or we are divorced and Dad gets weekends? All these kids are going to have problems? I hope you didnt mean to come across like this.

[Alenushka]

Go have fun! Seriously.

  The toddler will not remember it but you and your husband will recharge your batteries

[Sharlla]

i still nurse my 20 month old so it would be a no for me
 

[LynnS6]

OP: I think you should go with your gut on this one. If this is something that you'd be open to as your child gets a little older,  you might be able to tell them: "Three days is too long for me right now. How about we try an overnight in the next few months and see how it goes. If it goes well, maybe I'll be ready for something like this in a couple of years."

Originally Posted by Fulhouse 

I believe it is absolutely wrong to take a baby away from his caregiving parent(s ) even overnight for the first 3 years. Exception: emergency, birth of baby. Also, if gramma or nanny watches baby all day, an overnight with them wouldn't be so bad. But one should avoid time apart for all but essential things. Weddings, parties, not essential. And a baby never needs to travel with relatives. Ridiculous. Sorry but I believe attachment parenting makes for better, more secure humans.

I find this kind of thinking extreme. Do you have any evidence to support this? Because without it, this sort of statement makes parents who cannot do that or who need a break feel needlessly guilty. There is nothing in the studies on attachment that I've read that says leaving a child with a trusted caregiver (even if it's not the parent) is harmful. Attachment parenting is about providing a secure base and listening to your child's cues. I would also include in that creating healthy relationships with other adults. AP does not mean that a parent must be physically present 24/7 to have an attached child. This sort of comment makes many parents feel needlessly guilty, and makes other parents who NEED a break fail to take one because of fear of screwing up attachment. A weekend with grandma is not going to break that attachment.

[APToddlerMama]

No way for us. Your MIL and SIL need to get over it. Your daughter isn't a toy. She's a person with real feelings who will probably miss her parents a whole lot. I see zero benefit for a 20 month old unless their parents are really desperate for a break which it sounds like you are not. We waited until my son was 3.5, and he was very excited, very verbal, etc and even so, when bedtime rolled around he missed mama and was very upset. I think the vast majority of twenty month olds are going to be really upset by this length of separation and doing an overnight. People who cannot understand that wouldn't be my first you've when I did do an overnight anyhow.

[pek64]

No way. The child will not remember the trip! This is noy about the child. This is not about you or your husband. This is about them, their feelings, and possibly control. Put your foot down now. You are the parent. Your instincts are screaming "No!". Listen to them.

[APToddlerMama]

*first choice and sorry I can't go back to edit. Autocorrect is running wild again.

[pek64]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

OP: I think you should go with your gut on this one. If this is something that you'd be open to as your child gets a little older,  you might be able to tell them: "Three days is too long for me right now. How about we try an overnight in the next few months and see how it goes. If it goes well, maybe I'll be ready for something like this in a couple of years."

I find this kind of thinking extreme. Do you have any evidence to support this? Because without it, this sort of statement makes parents who cannot do that or who need a break feel needlessly guilty. There is nothing in the studies on attachment that I've read that says leaving a child with a trusted caregiver (even if it's not the parent) is harmful. Attachment parenting is about providing a secure base and listening to your child's cues. I would also include in that creating healthy relationships with other adults. AP does not mean that a parent must be physically present 24/7 to have an attached child. This sort of comment makes many parents feel needlessly guilty, and makes other parents who NEED a break fail to take one because of fear of screwing up attachment. A weekend with grandma is not going to break that attachment.

OK. It was stated as a belief, and we are all entitled to our beliefs. Has anyone noticed that the OP responded that she made her decision? We're still debating, but she seems comfortable with her decision.