DS is self-weaning at 14 months.
We exclusively BFd until six months, when I slowly introduced solids. At around a year or so, I just couldn't seem to make milk for the pump. He was eating like crazy, so I decided to send him to daycare with almond milk, and to nurse only at home.
Cut to about a month and a half ago. He bit me. Like drew blood bit me. And long story short, I got a staph infection in my ducts. I also still have surface tissue damage on my breast, and every time I nurse on that side he just tears it open again. Healing is very, very slow-going. And nursing hurts like you wouldn't believe.
My doctor tells me I can keep nursing if I want, and to take ibuprofen while I'm on these antibiotics.
The thing is, DS is now down to not even nursing every day. I still offer the breast at night (bedtime). Some nights he wants a little, some nights he doesn't want any. I honestly haven't been trying to do a ton to keep our nursing relationship afloat because I dread when he wants to nurse. It hurts for hours afterward.
I think he seems ready to wean. He's cut down his nursing sessions on his own without me doing anything to make it happen. And honestly, I want to wean because nursing is painful and horrific right now. It was that way the first four months. And I know this sounds nuts, but I had a 70 hour unmedicated labor followed by a cesarean and I just, having this terrible pain when I hold him is bringing back really awful memories that I don't want. I want to remember how nursing felt after the birth and the first four months, I don't want to remember it as being terrible.
My goal was a year, and I did that. DS never asks to nurse, and he often refuses when I offer. So why do I feel guilty as can be? I feel like if I don't do something to nurse him longer then I'm terrible. I have mama friends who couldn't bf and formula fed, and I never judged them. I had friends who weaned at six and four months. I never judged them either. But when it comes to myself, I feel like the same rules don't apply. I love my son and I want to do right by him. I do. But I can't stand this terrible pain anymore, and the thought of nursing just makes me cringe. I want to heal, but I feel guilty like I'm putitng my needs first.
Can anyone relate?