Help me "fill my cup" ?? « Back to Group Discussions

[travelmumma]

Hi Mummas,

We are having a fairly non birthy friend stay with us for 6 weeks at the moment. She is younger (chronologically and emotionally) than me, and I am having a very difficult time with it.
I feel as tho I am in labour emotionally, and that anyone that comes into "my birth space" should only be the people that I want at the birth....
I feel like my need for privacy and labour/birth thoughts and prep is so high that I'm sharing too much of myself with others... So I end up with scared thoughts, rather than the positive ones I was having just a week ago!
I feel as tho I am fighting myself!

Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can move forward into being more positive and private, at the same time being a good host??

Love xxx

[darkblue0729]

Travelmumma- *hugs* Is it possible to set better boundaries with your friend? To be warm but firm in explaining that growing a person is new, and awesome, but hard and draining so you need personal time to do things on your own, and that it has nothing to do with how you feel about her, but everything to do with you and what you are going through right now...then you need to let go. I *know* it is hard, and she may not be 1000% thrilled, but you need to take care of you. Now as for being a gracious host, I think maybe you need to think about how much time you are able to devote to being good company, and do your best to make the most of that time...6 weeks is a long time to have a guest over and I don't think it is reasonable to expect any hostess to be "on" 24/7 for 6 weeks. If there are things that you know she really enjoys doing that would not be a tremendous imposition, I would do them, but remember Sandy, you only get this time pre-babe once. I wish someone had told me just how precious that pregnancy with my first child was, not that you can ever recapture any time spent, but you will never not have a child earthside again, and that is a thrilling, crazy, jumbled, experience-and you only get this last little bit of time to prepare and savor the time before Albi gets here. I HTH mama!

[mamaharrison]

Darkblue gave some lovely suggestions. I second her message to set better boundaries for yourself, which can be very difficult when you are feeling so full of life and love and wonder at the moment, but it is invaluable for your and babes wellbeing and peace of mind.

I have a simple one liner that I find is easy enough for me to pull out in most any situation with both strangers and loved ones and it is this: "Shhhhh.......The baby only wants to hear positive things right now please!' 

It sounds really corny, right?! but honestly, this one sentence has helped me to graciously navigate away from bad labor stories to just plain negative nellies. People seem to readily accept the notion that stress isn't good for mama or baby--so, most people wouldn't expect to find a preggo at some action packed thriller movie because it is a bit too anxiety producing for {most} of us 'in our delicate condition'. SO, just use the same theory and apply it to how people share your space. If they are about to share something negative, scary, traumatic, or downright nasty then you are protecting yourself by asking that they please not share those things with you right now. Most people will back right down, even if they think you are a kook, and the ones who try to insist on going on, 'well, no i am just concerned about YOUR safety or but so and so DID THAT thing that you want to do and I think you should know that it was TERRIBLE for them...." just stand firm and respectfully decline the advice for 'right now' ..."oh, I've had such a rough day and I can't bear to hear any more bad news can we please save this for another time.' Then IF another time ever comes you can be assured that you will have had more practice with thsee boundary setting techniques and will be able to thwart the issue again just as gracefully. 

As far as 'how to fill your cup'......do what you love. Yoga, spend some time meditating in nature with your baby. Picture yourself surrounded by white light and set the intention for only things that you find pleasing to your senses to enter within and for everything else to stay outside of your sacred space EVEN if you do have to hear them or experience them at least this will keep them at arms length. 
Consider it practice for labor. Labor is not always a zen thing. There can be many unwelcome intrusions and it helps to be able to have had practice at setting boundaries within yourself and for yourself <3

When you find yourself succubing to these thoughts remind yourself of the same thing, 'Shhhhhhhhh....The baby only wants to hear positive things right now please.' and then just let that thought float away from you both.



 

[segolilymama]

What they said.

And, LOVE to you - I know that during pregnancy I want & NEED my quiet, my alone time. Finding the balance between meeting your needs & meeting the needs of others is really good practice for motherhood - YES, you are going to be putting a little person first for a long time, but you still need to have all of your needs met during that time. Putting a baby first does not mean sacrificing your own health & mental well-being. That's the tight rope new mamas have to learn to walk - so consider this practice!

[mamaharrison]

Originally Posted by segolilymama 

What they said.

And, LOVE to you - I know that during pregnancy I want & NEED my quiet, my alone time. Finding the balance between meeting your needs & meeting the needs of others is really good practice for motherhood - YES, you are going to be putting a little person first for a long time, but you still need to have all of your needs met during that time. Putting a baby first does not mean sacrificing your own health & mental well-being. That's the tight rope new mamas have to learn to walk - so consider this practice!

yes to this especially! Your relationship with your baby/kiddo is a relationship where it will be easy to give, give, give, but you can't give til the well runs dry. It is great that you are aware that your cup needs to be filled NOW even before your babe is earthside. 

sending peace and light your way~~~and to your wombmate, too--infinite blessings abound.

[darkblue0729]

Originally Posted by segolilymama 

What they said.

And, LOVE to you - I know that during pregnancy I want & NEED my quiet, my alone time. Finding the balance between meeting your needs & meeting the needs of others is really good practice for motherhood - YES, you are going to be putting a little person first for a long time, but you still need to have all of your needs met during that time. Putting a baby first does not mean sacrificing your own health & mental well-being. That's the tight rope new mamas have to learn to walk - so consider this practice!

[nhklh]

6 weeks is a reeeeally long time.  Can she stay elsewhere part of the time?

Never ever again will I have someone stay in my house while pg.  I just cannot do it, it just feels awful and claustrophobic and horrible.

[travelmumma]

Such wisdom
I have spent the day with my DH in our house, alone, in soft clothes, listening to a CalmBirth CD. It was a relaxation track, and baby started moving, and I just started crying with relief and relaxation....
I have sat own and looked at how much alone time I need and have locked it into my diary for each week. So every Wednesday is mine for anything I want and need.
I feel much better now especially after all of your words...
I love the idea of having a set saying that I say to others and myself when things turn negative! I will DEFINATELY put that into practise
As far as boundaries, DH and I decided that I will not share any baby/birth/pregnancy things with my friend anymore... See how we go with that...
Daily calm birth and self time is set in too now

[newCTmama]

Lots of good advice, and sounds like you and DH have some good strategies in place! One little tidbit that may (or may not!) help - when I was about 6 or 7 weeks, we visited my younger sister (and her 4 roomates) in Washington DC for the week. There was lots of great, vibrant energy there - great, but not what I was seeking/needing in those early weeks. I started a ritual of just taking an hour every afternoon for resting by myself - I never slept, but that hour by myself everyday was great : )

[mamaharrison]

sounds like you are back on track ; ) Glad to hear, mama.

[travelmumma]

Oh that's another good one newCTmama! I will put that in my notebook now its filled with ideas and quotes, positive things to remember and things to read more about