Choosing planned c-section after birth trauma - Page 2

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by RuthieJ 

I'm 12 wks along now, but waiting as long as I can to tell others about the pregnancy.  My mother was also traumatized by the birth of my son (she was not with me but was in the house, and panicked when she saw the ambulance and heard the midwives shouting), and since then she has been adamant that she doesn't want me to have any more children.  I feel like, subconsciously, she is angry with me for putting her through that experience.  Though she would never say so.  But our relationship hasn't been the same since, and I've never been able to talk to her about my own feelings about the experience.  I'm still trying to figure out how to tell her about this pregnancy, but I am hoping the c-section will make it more bearable for her.

RuthieJ. Do you think it would help to have a third party with you when you talk with your mother about your pregnancy?

[RuthieJ]

HappyHappyMommy, that is a really good idea, and I hadn't thought of it before..  Thank you!  I will ask my sister if she will be there with me.  I am starting to show now and I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.

[phathui5]

I have served as a doula for C-sections and I think that if you want the support of a doula, you should go for it. A doula who has experience with helping moms post-op can help you with nursing the baby after the surgery and she can be there with you in the OR to support you as the attention moves to the baby.

[RuthieJ]

Thanks phathui5.  A good friend of mine is a doula and I asked her to be with me.  I think it will be reassuring to have her there for both me and my dh, even just to have someone to hold my hand if he has to leave for any reason.  She is (gently) encouraging me to talk to a friend of hers, a counsellor who specializes in birth trauma, but I am not sure if I want to dredge everything up.  I'm usually a calm, happy person and I cope with difficult things that have happened to me by not thinking about them.  Maybe that is not supposed to be the 'best' way but I don't really want to relive the brutality of that experience.

I'm getting really anxious about telling my mom. I'm really struggling with this. I have told some co-workers and close friends now.  But I wear baggy clothes whenever I am around my mom, I just feel horrible hiding my pregnancy and it brings back so many memories of having to keep secrets with my past history of CSA. :(  I have been having trouble sleeping.  I keep thinking about a time a few months ago, before I knew I was pregnant, I was having lunch with my mother and aunt, and something came up about my ds' birthday.  My mom said that she would never get over his birth, and my aunt said that my mom had suffered more than I had, because I 'only suffered physically' but my mom was emotionally traumatized.  I couldn't say a word, not one word.  I felt paralyzed.  I just stared at my plate and eventually just completely changed the subject.  I find it really hard to talk about my feelings with others, and it was really painful to have my feelings dismissed like that.  And I was shocked that they didn't realize that my ds' birth was a severe emotional trauma for me as well as physical.  Later, when my mom had gone, my aunt said to me, 'You know you can never have any more children because you don't know what it will do to your mother.'  I keep thinking about those conversations over and over again and I just feel so guilty that I am going to hurt my mom again.  She's been so happy lately, and I feel like the only thing I can do is at least wait as long as I can, because every day that I wait is another day that she won't have to be hurt.  I just know the moment is coming when I'm going to have to tell her and I don't have any idea how best to tell her or if there is any way to make it any easier for her.  

Does anyone have any experience with a situation like this, or any advice for how to tell difficult news?

[MeepyCat]

Oh RuthieJ, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such, for want of a better word, idiocy.  And self-centeredness. 

I urge you, though, to retake the emotional territory, at least in your head.  This pregnancy, and this birth, and your last pregnancy and birth, are not about your mother.  They are about YOU and YOUR children.

The plain fact is that people who are determined to take offense can find a reason to do it no matter how you give them the news.  That means it's best to figure out what *you* want to do, and go with that.  It sounds like you might feel better if you didn't have to keep this a secret, so don't.  If you send them an email, they can respond to it in private before they respond in front of you, which might give them a chance to get anything stupid that they might do or say out of their systems without you having to see or hear it.  They can call each other and talk about how hard this is on them, and then they can get in touch with you when that's all done, and they've had a chance to remember that they're embarrassing themselves when they talk that way, and this really is good news.  We hope.

[Snapdragon]

Wow, big hugs to you, dear one! I feel such compassin for your situation! That is a huge load of guilt that your aunt and mother are passing on to you that you do not deserve.  It is not your fault! Not the childhood sexual abuse, and certainly not your traumatic birth. And for anyone to dare tell you that in addition to the pain you sufferred you were also to blame for your mom's feelings? That is just a wrong concept to put on someone. It sounds like your aunt and mom are choosing to put blame on you for some of their pain which is really not right for them to do to a child- but very likely they are not even aware they are doing it, as they are probably acting from a place of pain and feelin somewhat broken too.

The way to end the cycle is to emotionally step into your own self loving space and create a clear distinction in your mind about what your aunt and mom feel and what is true- and what you feel.  So when they tell you that you hurt your mom more than you hrt yourself- ideally you could see them as a hurt inner child lashing out at you, and perhaps feel compassion. But know that they are telling their own story.

Then, if you can- start now to create a shield of sorts around you of only loving people and loving feelings, especially stemming from you to yourself! Like a little island of love (in your thoughts/mind) that is free of the criticism from anyone- even your mom and yourslef. Criticism from a parent is so hard for everyone because of how important our parents are to us.

I wuold say try to just find a way to seperate yourself from anyone else's judgement, forgive yourself for everything- wipe your slate clean and start from here internally.  If you believe in God then call on God to fill you with strength and love. If you don't then find whatever it is that gives you a sens of being cared for and loved unconditionally- perhaps from your spouse or any friends who really accept you.

And then choose only people who allow you to feel safe- and who will not have any guilt or drama to lay on you- to attend your birth.  A doula is a great idea. And even if you won't know the exact doctor, just having one or two people you trust around you will help a lot.

I think if you can find a place away from that burden they are rying to hand you- if you can say to your aunt (perhaps silently in your head) "no thanks, I refuse your guilt story, take it somewhere else", that would feel good.

And then tell your mom whenever you feel right about it. If you need to hold it private for now it sounds like you need to protect it- then do that.

Tell when you want to. Best of luck!

[RuthieJ]

Just a quick update.  I did eventually tell my mother, and while it was pretty horrible initially, she has had time to process it now and seems to be doing much better.  And I am extremely relieved to have that 'hiding' stage overwith.  Thanks again for all the support.