exclusion - talking to other parents

[rainbringer]

We keep running into situations where a girl will take a dislike to dd (fair enough, not everyone has to like each other), but then influences other kids to not want to play with her either.  Dd does have some social skills issues but many kids seem to like playing with her.  Fitting into groups is hard though.  She has taken social skills classes, we work on this all the time at home as well.  Often I just try to avoid the girls who do this, but I am not sure this is the best way, especially since it may seem as if we are the ones excluding them.  I've been wondering about talking to the moms - seems like it would backfire at this age, nine year olds, and create more resentment.  Sometimes the moms are sitting right there when the girls discuss who is and is not invited to their birthday party (dd is not invited), and they say nothing.  I guess they don't see it as a problem.  Wondering if there are any good ways to approach this, besides working with dd at home and avoiding girls who are regularly unpleasant.

[revolting]

How old is your kid?

[TCMoulton]

Her post says that she is 9 years old, which can be a really difficult age. (I have 8 & 10 year old girls)

Personally, I would try and help her work it out with the girls on her own - involving parents can make things more difficult on occasion and I'm sure you want to avoid that! Would your daughter be interested in having one or two of the girls over for an afternoon away from school?

[revolting]

Oops! Sorry. I missed that. I hope you find resolution, but both of my kids are younger, and I think it's easier to deal with exclusion at that age.

[rainbringer]

Thanks for the responses!  Yes, it seems by this age the girls are harder to direct and able to be more subtle when they exclude someone.  I notice it, but I think a lot of the other parents don't.  I will try to see if the main girl can come for a playdate.  When I've asked in the past, they are always busy or something comes up.  : (  And I will try to avoid them, however since the girls are in some of the same activities I am sure we will still see them sometimes.  I guess I just have to explain to dd that this girl is not really her friend, and to try not to let these things hurt her.  Not long ago, they seemed to be getting along fine and dd still thinks of her as a good friend.