First of all I feel ver guilty for even having to get on here, almost ashamed, as if I don't like my future step son, the problem is I dont want it to get to that point. I am 32, I have 4 daughters (13,10, 7, 2) which I have full custody of, my bf is 30, a wonderful man, with a 10 year old son who has adhd. He has only visitation rights 4 days a month, but we still have him 2-3 nights every week. He has been divorced for almost a year, but went back to his ex after the divorce because of the son, shortly after that is when he met me, he moved into my 3 bedroom house. The ex I was soon to find out was extremely unfit, I immediately felt sorry for his son and tried to do as much for him as I could. She refuses to work, we have to hound her to get his perscription every month (which I get filled and pay for), and the last school year he missed 21 days of the last 3 months of school because she was too lazy to get up. He has told us stories of her drinking to the point of passing out, we have contacted the proper authorities and cant get anything done. she is 36, he left her the house for the son, she didnt pay the electric bill (3 months ago) and had her power shut off so her, the son, and her 21 year old bf moved in with her parents. All of this is unfortunate and Im sharing this part of it only to give you an understanding of the home which he is in, he has no rules, is not made to mind, and basically takes care of himself because she doesnt, on one occation last month she took him and dropped him off (at 10 years old) with his 15 year old step sister (who she sent away to her other parents because she couldnt handle her and she was into drugs) at six flags. The children where picked up an hour later in the theme park for shop lifting. We had given her $100 to give to the kids for spending money.
Now when he comes to our house, with 4 other children, we have rules, lots of them. We have to to be able to maintain a household with that many children. Ive never had to deal with this situation before and im not sure what the best way is. He does not listen to anyone, even his father, and his mother has told him he doesnt have to listen to me, even though I have him on my own (without his dad) for days in a row sometimes if he is working out of town and she isnt available for us to take him home. I know alot of this is because he has not been made to mind. I dont know what the best way is to deal with this. He does have adhd, and I try to take that into account, but his problem is he has never been taught even the basics in respect. you can say dont pick up the cat and he will smile at you and pick the cat up! I honestly feel like he is a baby I have to watch constantly. I think of him as one of my children and I try to treat him the same. I get upset with myself because I feel overwhelmed and dont know how to handle the situations.. dad chalks alot of it up to his adhd and that hes a boy. And some things or rules I have he doesnt get either, like we have a one soda rule. one a day thats it, we have this rule for 2 reasons, number one if I dont they will open 5 sodas and Ill throw have of each of them away, number 2 5 kids drinking 3 sodas a day gets really expensive really fast. so issue one is I dont know how to make him mind. Ive tried explaining the rules to him and talking to him about why he acts out. Any time me or dad get onto him he blows up, any where from throwing things to yelling he wants to go home because his mom doesnt make him mind.
my second issue is im afraid if i dont push the rules and be hard on him he is going to end up in lots of trouble, he steals and lies constantly. Mainly I think because this is what he sees at home.
Third issue is my children. They have accepted him, they treat him like thier brother, therefor they dont understand why I am more leanant with him, and then to go full circle with that thought they begin acting out and behaving like he does. My 7 year old has even began lying which breaks my heart.
fourth is dad, we tried him being the person who diciplines him, that just blew up in our faces, all of a sudden everyone was picking on his son when he came home and we told him of all the things he did durring the day. I love this man dearly, so do my children, we are getting married in May of next year. I want to do the right thing for everyone, I realize this is a challenge, but any input I would appriciate.
Ideally I think that if we custody of him things would be alot different, I think we could better influence his life, but she will not give it to us because she is living off of his child support (which she does not use for him as we buy everything for him and she is living with her parents) Right now we are still living in a 3 bedroom house because thats all we can afford as we are still paying off his (her) bills from the divorce. So I feel like the kids dont have their own space (especially the son as he has no room here) and that adds to the tension here between them. But where we are living is still bigger then where he is living with the mother. he is a sweet kid, and I know alot of this is because he wants attention, he calls me mom alot, when dads not home he wants to sleep with me, and he does like here. its just such a mess and Im very overwhelmed..... help please