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Loss in an adopted newborn

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

Anyone have any great links/resources on this? 

 

Our son was born 7 weeks ago.  It was a c/s birth and I was in there for it.  Other than the dr. pulling him out and the nurse checking him out, I was the first one to really hold him.  I'm breastfeeding him exclusively. 

 

He just seems different than my girls did.  Extremely needy for human touch 24 hours a day.  He can be hard to console and only usually wants me, although he is warming up to my DH. 

 

I guess I just feel like there may be something going on his little mind and heart that are outside of the realm of just a higher needs baby. 

post #2 of 9

Hi! I'm just starting to research adoption, so my response is not from that perspective, but from my experience with my oldest son. He was a high needs baby, and was just as you described. I've always attributed it partly to some stress during my pregnancy plus a very difficult labor/delivery (29+ hours of labor, 4.5 hours of pushing, delivery by forceps, etc). By contrast, my second pregnancy was calm and uneventful, as was the birth. 

 

So, I think he may well be transitioning from being in his birth mother's womb, but I'll bet that much of what is recommended for high needs children and/or older adopted children would apply (keeping him close, skin to skin contact if he tolerates it, establishing a comforting routine, and so on). 

 

GL!! 

post #3 of 9

Hugs to you and your new baby.  I would reccomend the book Primal Wound- it may be a hard read at first but it is written by an adoptive mother... I can look for other book recommendations for you also.. but that one comes first to mind and one I am familiar with.

post #4 of 9

http://www.reactiveattachmentdisordertreatment.com/ssi/article1.html

 

I am not big on the label RAD- but this could be a starting point for you.

post #5 of 9

I honestly just think he's a higher needs baby- personally, I think the Primal Wound is B.S.  I am an adoptee, adopted at birth, and by nature was always an "easy" baby.  My brother, also adopted at birth, was a "higher needs" baby.  

 

I think you are trying to read too much into this- he is completely fine.  He's not reacting to being adopted, and you are doing a wonderful job.  I would NOT read books like the Primal Wound, which is based on junk science and junk psychology.  It may apply to SOME adoptees, or they may be able to later apply it to their lives, but it is NOT scientific and it is NOT something that applies to all over even most adoptees.  

 

To give you an example- my first son was an EASY baby.  Very easy.  My second son, VERY high needs.  They are both my biological children, and they just have different personalities.  That's all.  

 

So from the perspective of an adoptee, please don't go chalking up every difference to his being adopted, or else he will, too.  It's not anything to do with that, IMO.  He's just a high needs baby.  :)  

post #6 of 9

It would be an extreme rarity for an infant adopted at birth to have reactive attachment disorder (very scary link that pp posted). By definition, RAD is caused by pathological care for a significant period of time. A child placed at birth with an adoptive parent cannot really have had this experience. 

 

How is it going for you with this baby now?

post #7 of 9
Hugs, mama. I just want you to know that that clinginess is normal! Have you ever read about the fourth trimester? It's a theory that humans are born a little too early, because of our big heads, and that we need a few months to catch up developmentally to be ready for the world. In that time, many of us jut need extra comforts to remind us of the womb.

My daughter was born in a moderately stressful vaginal birth, but we had an idyllic relaxed time in the hours and days after the birth. She still needed 24/7 human contact until she was 2 or 3 mo.
post #8 of 9

Lots of people struggle with the whole "is this adoption/trauma based behavior" or is this "normal childishness/development/disobedience stuff"?

 

I have taken to asking, "Does it matter? Will knowing cause me to parent/nurture or respond differently if I did know?" 

 

So far, I have never found it would... Just a bit of perspective...

post #9 of 9
Hugs; it's hard when you feel like your baby is needing something and you don't know what or why. Adoptive parenting adds a whole other level of uncertainty to the already complicated buisness of raising a child. Keep in mind the vast number of adopted children who are raised by loving parents have happy childhoods and grow up to be happy adults. We can't always protect them from every pain but we can't offer this protection to our bio children either.
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