mistakes fathers make in raising their daughters

[Alexander]

Inview of the thread Advice for a father raising a daughter, I thought this would be useful for me (and everyone) to avoid possible blunders I may be making.

Humour would help this thread too.

Many thanks

a

[Alexander]

So!

No errors then???

a

[papabliss]

Let's see, errors thus far with my 3yo daughter...I'm sure the list will grow, but here goes (and most of these would easily apply to boys as well):

I fail at trying to outsmart her because she is vastly smarter than me. I always end up looking like a fool. I even resort to defending my actions by saying that I have no good reason for why I did what I did, and that she is right and I am wrong.

I say that things are all right and she comes back with the correct answer, that in fact, things are not all right. Again, I must agree with her.

I don't listen fully to her when she is talking to me while I am typing on the computer. This is not fair to her, nor is it behavior I would like modeled.

She is talking to me now so I better follow through with what I believe.

More to come.

Cheers.

[indiegirl]

Sure I can tell you what NOT to do...My dad is king of Worst Things to Say. (All of the things below were actually uttered by my father at some point in my life)

"When did you start getting tits? You have tits! Look at your tits!"

"No one likes a fat girl. Don't be a fat girl."

"What happened to your ass? When did you get an ass? Get rid of it!"

"I am the dictator."

"Don't f*ck with me right now."

"Smoke a joint? If you want to smoke a joint come to me. Don't do it with your little friends to be cool."

I should add that my father was a very young dad (19) and is known for his brash comments. As an adult I tell him where to stick it and he apoligizes. After he commented on my "ass" I told him that I wasn't going to take that kind of disrespect anymore and he had better cut it out. He broke down and cried, apoligized and ever since then he has been incredible.

Honestly, my dad and I have the most untraditional, open and loving relationship now. By many people's standards it would be wierd (he tells me about his love life, for instance. I usually just listen and say how glad I am he isn't my boyfriend.) but I consider it more of a friendship than a father/daughter one. The father/daughter relationship didn't really work very well for us. We had to get beyond that and value each other as people first, then friends.

The one thing that makes him so great is his sense of humor and his absolute devotion to me. I know he respects the dickens out of me and that I make him proud. He thinks I'm smart and funny. He believes in me but does so without sounding like a hallmark card. He has always expected me to do well and I have done very well in life.

I don't know if this helps you because your daughter (I am assuming) is pretty young. Anyway...that's all I have to say. So there!

[Alexander]

Right

Thanks for that. I'll avoid mentioning her bottom then!



a

[sunmountain]

The biggest mistake my father ever made, and really the only one, was thinking he didn't matter. It's hard making up for lost time.

But I may use that quote from indiegirl about the joint.

[Juliacat]

Alexander, I really don't have any major complaints about my dad, particularly about the way he raised me. Now that I'm grown it drives me up the wall the way he still expects me to think/believe exactly as he does and gets huffy if I disagree with him. And obviously he has personality flaws like everyone else, which I could pick apart if I wanted to. But they don't really have anything to do with the way he parented me. The only time in my childhood when he and I had any problems at all was when I was 17 and about to move out of the house anyway.

I guess....If I have to complain about anything, it would be my father's insistence that I do everything HIS way, and the enormous feeling of guilt if I wanted to do it another way....But my dad and I are so similar that I usually wanted to be just like him anyway.

Does that help at all?

[Alexander]

a

[B&K]

my parents separated when I was one and I only met my father several times in my life. Usually at his mother's house. And I was always asked "So what grade are you in now? How old are you now?" So my advice is no matter what happens between mum and dad always make your child matter! It took too many years to get in touch with my inner child.....get over the abandonment....allow myself to be angry....allow myself to forgive...etc Blah Blah Blah. Enjoy her! Your relationship sounds special.
joy V

[HimalayanGyrl701]

From my experience as a daughter, I believe one of the worst things a father can do is to be a poor husband to her mother. Your daughter will learn so much about her identity as a woman from the way you interact with the women in your life, even if it's just the TV news reporter whose wide hips you comment rather than her eloquence or intelligence. Although he was not abusive, Listening to my dad belittle, be rude to, and not share home responsibilties with my mother has caused me so much anger in my life and I still do not fully respect him though he is maturing and less of an ass to her.

[mcimom]

Oh, I so agree w/the last post. My dad never was overtly an ass to my mom, in fact, we all grew up saying he was "p-whipped" by her. But he definitely did make it clear (in ways I'm not exactly sure of now) that she was not as smart as he is, that he "put up with her crazy behavior" - made it seem as if she was more lucky to have him than visa versa.
He does make comments now about her being "fat" (funny/sad b/c he is actually overweight where she is average and in fact looking good for a 50+ mom of three). But also admits that she did a great job raising us and he didn't have much of a part in parenting.

Disrespect. That is what I do not like about my husband now and something I didn't think of in regards to kids. He has never been an especially affectionate/romantic/outwardly loving individual. Fine, I knew all that and for some reason married him anyway. I did not consider the impact this might have on my girls. It must be clear to them (or in any case will be as they grow up) that he does not respect me much. I pray that he will continue being loving/showing affection to them in ways that he does not show w/me (so far, so good). But again, I just did not think how it would matter in role-modeling how he treats me as well. I want my girls to have/find loving husbands when they grow up and if I have a boy, I would like for him to be a loving husband to someone someday.

My advice, be aware that how you treat your wife will play some role in her psyche, especially when she choses future partners.

Be the kind of husband you would like for her to have.

[dfoy]

I had a great dad. But everyone, even great dads, makes mistakes.

My dad's mistake was probably reacting to things my sister & I did before learning all of the circumstances. He would always apologize when realizing he had made the wrong assumption but as a kid it made me angry with him.

The other was to "sermonize" when he was lecturing me. I was a PK (preacher's kid) & a lot of our talks about misbehavior, etc. came off like sermons. I know he was trying to instill values and morals, which is great, but the talks were more like him preaching to me rather than discussions. When I was older, we got into lots more discussions than sermons but I wish we would have discussed more when I was younger.

Another thing that was very cool about my dad, though (besides what I wrote in the other thread), was that he openly loved my mother. He protected her, he touched her regularly, they kissed lots, and they held hands all the time. He used to tell us all the time how lucky he was to have found my mother.

My mom used to have a place she would go in our basement to get away from it all. She had her paints, pastels, drawing pencils, sketch book and canvasses down there. When it was "her time", my dad fiercely protected it. He made sure we left her alone and let us know that he could do anything for us that we wanted mom for.

[lilyka]

Don't assume your adult dd will excuse your pissy selfish excuse for not being there when she was little. There is no good reason for not being an involved dad (OK death but even that is sketchy. You better make it up in the after life) and if you dare tell her "you weren't happy being a dad then you better apologize when you say it iinstead of saying "You understand that don't you? I man has to be happy."

And don't leave your iced animal crackers where she can see them but not reach them. You will pay.

[Alexander]

Originally posted by lilyka
(OK death but even that is sketchy. You better make it up in the after life)

LOL

Originally posted by lilyka

And don't leave your iced animal crackers where she can see them but not reach them. You will pay.

??? Ouch. My heart goes out to the little girl in you.

Thanks all. Some of these are really helping.

a

[ladylee]

My father created the dynamic of my doing things to gain his approval, which ultimately led to my having to betray him in order to be myself. I know I broke his heart.

On a lighter note, never tell her you don't like someone she brings home, because that's who she'll end up marrying/committing herself to. But that's a no-brainer, right?

P.S.-it's nice over here--I like what you guys have done with the place...

[dddD]

Try to get interested in what interests her, instead of trying to get her interested in what interests you.
Say "you are beautiful" instead of "you look beautiful"
NEVER comment on her body (as mentioned above)
If you are religious at all, explain when she asks. Do not assume "we do it because God said to" is the complete answer. Kids can understand, they really can.

I'm sure there's more...

[telekinetic pyro]

Don't treat her like a boy and act like she is your best friend because she it totally rough and tumble and then push her away when she hits puberty. I hated my dad for years because of that. We are finally better but it took a long time

[baesyl]

Echoing much that has been stated here- I think the most vital aspect to parenting girls is to let them be who they are and not your concept of who they should be. I suppose this is true of all kids, but I notice with a lot of my female friends, we strive to please our Daddys and it's just not possible. Many women reflect that their fathers wanted sons. I know for my thirteenth birthday, I really wanted a makeup mirror and I let it be known loudly. I got a rifle because that's what Dad wanted when he was a kid and his Dad was not involved.

I have a friend who is a part time dad to a daugher. He worked hard to find things she liked that he also liked to foster those common interests. They go to a lot of theater in her teen years now. Really smart of him to find ways to blend their two personalities and keep connection.
My dad and I have a lot in common, but I am scared of his approval or lack of it and tend to not want to open up to him.

Nikki mom to two daughters aged 2.5 and 3 months

[Bekka]

Well, late in this discussion, but I have a great dad, who was very encouraging and supportive of all my activities. But sometimes that went a bit far, and when some friends and I decided that one activity in HS was too much and cut back a bit, I got a lot of grief for that. For a long time. We all had really full plates, and this was not what I needed. Trust your daughters to be able to make intelligent choices like what is too much when they are 15 and 16, even if it's by experience.

[rwikene]

I had some pretty awful relationships with men in my life, so I am not the best person to tell you what to do....but I do have one really important piece of advice....

respect her privacy, this means so many things....we had a rule in our house growing up that when I needed my space I would go into my room and close the door. This rule only worked with my mom, my step-dad totally ignored the rule stating " it's my house, I will go into any room I want"

Privacy to me also means that as she gets older and starts puberty, please respect the fact that there will be changes in her body, and she doesn't want them broadcast to all your friends. This lead to many humiliating moments for me. I also hated to be touched, still do sometimes. When it comes to my body, I feel like it should be my decision as to who touches me and when (I was molested by my step-dad and have always had issues with this) but I still think that it is important to respect her desires at times to be untouched, then in the next moment to want to be cuddled. Girls are very complex

I think that because you are asking this question that you will be a wonderful father. Your daughter is very luck to have you

Rachel