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post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Hi I'm new here. I guess I though I stupidly gave my STBXH an ultimatum a week ago today. Counsling or I'm done. He sent me a nice text that I got just before I went into a job interview saying he would to never go to counsling.

I called good old mom and dad even though I'm 36. Dad said 'no one will be very surprised.' and followed with some negative remarks about STBXH then got on the computer to help me find a lawyer.

I cried off and on for three days. I meet with a lawyer tomorrow. STBXH has worked at a job and I have been home with th kids and the dog. I have done everything except run the snow blower and the bills. I drew a line at snow blower, he tried several times to teach me. He took over the bills years ago and would not let me see them or his pay stubs.

Friday STBXH gave me a packet of papers he had printed off the Internet to start this Divorse. I said I wasn't filling anything out or signing anything till I had someone to advise me but I'd look them over. Those have been our only spoken words this week. The rest has been email or text. I finally looked them over and all sadness left me. He has been making 12,000 dollars a month. I have been living hand to mouth for the last 12 years, skimping and trying to figure out how to buy even groceries. I never buy new clothes or shoes or makeup.

I get now why people never understood why I didn't have any money ever. I told my best friend on Thursday. She was glad for me as was her husband, a man that used to be friends with STBXH. I guess I should of done this years ago, but I ran a home child care and I thought I'd have to leave as the house is in his name and I knew that would destroy the business. Then last year I cloused the business and subbed and I thought things were getting better, but I guess I was wrong.

Oh, and the topper on the cake. He wants me, who still hasn't found a job, and may have to move for a job, to cal the morgage people and get the house changed to my name. I can't afford the house and I don't trust him.
post #2 of 15

You can't just make a phone call and change the house to your name and then he has no responsibility for the loans: you would have to refinance in your name only for that to happen. At most, he could sign a quit claim deed, which would give you ownership, but he can't just get out of the loan if he's on it.

 

I agree that you need a lawyer. I hope that your parents can help you with that.

post #3 of 15
Thread Starter 
Sadly, yes I will need a lawyer. I have less than 50 dollars to my name right now, but I hav two more job interviews this week. And I found two more to apply for. I have a very specialized teaching license. I can sub anywhere k-12, but to hold a postion more than two weeks I can only work a very few positions. Staying home doing daycare for so long is making it really hard to find a job. But. I actually sort of glad I haven't gotten one yet. I have a feeling he wouldn't leave and would find a way to take that income too.

I believe my turning point was i read/listened to a book this summer that a school psychologist had recommended. 'the five love languages'. I had no idea what it was about. I just like to read and any time someone mentions a book, I quietly request it from my libary.
post #4 of 15

My ex earnt the same amount and tried putting me on a budget of $50 a week for feeding myself and three boys while he was away working out of state and had a meal alowance of $30 or so for each meal! Due to my lack of residancy status (I'm British in America) the judge found me involuntarily unemployable so I get spousal support for 10 years (we were married 12 years) as well as a good amount of child support.

       When you meet your attorney you need to get him/her to file for temperary support asap. It will be back dated to the date you sent in the motion. As for the house, who's name is the morgage in? I signed a quit claim agreeing to be out at the end of June, but as he stopped paying the morgage the house was forclosed on and sold back to the bank making the agreement invalid.

     Do youhave any joint credit cards or joint bank accounts? I paid a $1500 retainer using money from the joint account and now pay my lawyer a certin amount monthly as does my ex. (He was ordered to pay a sum of my lawyer fees due his being the cause for so many motions.)

post #5 of 15

Welcome. :hugs I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. It sounds like you have a great support system with your parents though. Don't be shy to tell people what you need and exactly what is going on. You're right to not trust him. Don't be surprised if he starts pulling all kinds of crap. I'm glad you'll be speaking  to a lawyer. Educate yourself as much as you can and stay strong. It sounds like things will be much better without him. But it's not going to be easy at first. Just take it one day at a time. 

post #6 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thank you. I just know we can get through this. I'm just not sure how. I'm especially sad tonight. My father said he'd mail the lawyer a check tomorrow. No going back after your father offers to loan you 4 grand. My object now isn't to destroy him but move on with my life. But I'm sure he'll feel I'm destroying his life. I just got home from an interview. I did the numbers and if I get that job, it'll be about 18,000 a year. But with child support I bet i could make it.

Tomorrow I interview for a full time salaried position. I'd be happy with that too. My son is totally struggling. He doesn't do change well. My DD is excited is more ok with it all. I think we'll all do better once we are able to move and can see where we are going. I can't even look for a place till I have a job.

i think Only his name is on the mortgage, but I left the copy with the lawyer, she will look at it.
post #7 of 15

I've recommended them before and I swear I have absolutely nothing to do with the organization at all, I just found these seminars to be so useful to me when I was feeling underwater about all this stuff.

 

http://www.wife.org/secondsaturday.htm 

 

They are a one shot deal (though you can go as many times as you like).  Cheap.  Geared toward women.  You can be anonymous if you need to be.  

Maybe there is one near you?

 

Hugs to you.

post #8 of 15

Please realize that half of everything he has saved or put into his retirement is yours, even though you haven't worked.  I would NOT get a job right now.  Let the separate maintenance be set on your not working.  You deserve some recovery time and the kids don't need any more changes. Afgter the divorce goes through and the monies are set, you can think about a job.  You should also get half the equity in the house.

 

Going through a divorce isn't about being nice or not being nice.  It's about an equitable division of assets, retirements, and debt.  It is about an equitable custody/visitation arrangement for children.  Period.  Don't let emotions affect fairness.

 

I'm betting you get far more money to live on (alimony and child support) and savings/retirement accounts than you have ever imagined.  After it's over, you can go on to school or get a job or whatever you desire.

 

Make sure the lawyer is GOOD, and don't talk to your dh about anything except in the presence of your attorney. Especially do not sign anything your dh puts before you--take everything to the attorney.  Also, because this is so stressful, get a notebook and keep track of conversations, visitations, any cash that exchanes hands, etc.  His separate maintenance payments will go through the courthouse for recordkeeping purposes.

 

Finally, find a counselor to vent to and to help you heal.  Hang in--life afterward may be far better than you have ever dreamed.

post #9 of 15
Thread Starter 
I signed the contract for the job last Friday. The kids, dog and myself are moving tomorrow. I think I have a good lawyer. My dad does a lot with school law and he asked around for a good family lawyer. He also mailed her a check. I know the job may mess up alimony, but I need it, not just for money, but to be around other people and people in my field.

I am very tired.
post #10 of 15

You should still get alimony, based on the difference between his salary and yours. And, yes, having a job will help in many ways.  Remember to take care of you.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Prayers.

post #11 of 15

You need to put any money you earn into a bank account that your stbx does not have access to. 

post #12 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by thanneaKS View Post

Please realize that half of everything he has saved or put into his retirement is yours, even though you haven't worked.  I would NOT get a job right now. 

 

My attorney told me to only find a job that is 35 hours or less a week.  I didn't listen to him.  And it was a good thing that I didn't.  Because when my ex voluntarily lowered his income by $30K a year by quitting a higher paying job and taking a lower paying job, his attorney, when in a conference with my attorney in the judge's chambers,  attempted to claim I was just after money.  All my attorney said was:  My client filed for divorce in Nov and started working full-time in January making $XXX amount of money.  And that was pretty much it for my ex. 

 

My attorney also told me that I did the right thing in disregarding his advice as it may not have gone as well for me.  I didn't get spousal support.  But I did get my ex imputed to close to what he made before he lowered his income.  

post #13 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Findingstrength View Post

I signed the contract for the job last Friday. The kids, dog and myself are moving tomorrow. I think I have a good lawyer. My dad does a lot with school law and he asked around for a good family lawyer. He also mailed her a check. I know the job may mess up alimony, but I need it, not just for money, but to be around other people and people in my field.
I am very tired.

 

Whether or not you get spousal support is going to depend on your state and the length of your marriage.  But being able to show the courts that you are willing to work and aren't just after his money so you don't have to work will go well for you. 

 

Before moving out, you need to have a court ordered parenting plan.  Because he can file to have the kids returned to the marital home and for exclusive possession of the family home.  And he just may get it. 

post #14 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post

 

My attorney told me to only find a job that is 35 hours or less a week.  I didn't listen to him.  And it was a good thing that I didn't.  Because when my ex voluntarily lowered his income by $30K a year by quitting a higher paying job and taking a lower paying job, his attorney, when in a conference with my attorney in the judge's chambers,  attempted to claim I was just after money.  All my attorney said was:  My client filed for divorce in Nov and started working full-time in January making $XXX amount of money.  And that was pretty much it for my ex. 

 

My attorney also told me that I did the right thing in disregarding his advice as it may not have gone as well for me.  I didn't get spousal support.  But I did get my ex imputed to close to what he made before he lowered his income.  


This is why I would lean toward the "get a job" camp. Yes, the partner whose labor contributes to the family non-monitarily (although we all know how much an at-home parent saves the family just in childcare...) and how much staying out of the workforce can hurt one's future earning power. This "should" mean that these things are evened out when the marriage ends. However, it's not necessarily going to go that way: even if the judge does determine that child support and even maintenance are order, it doesn't mean that it will play out that way. Remaining financially dependent can not only put one at great risk for things like homelessness and stress, but it continues the power differential in the relationship.

 

Disclaimer:

I myself am currently dependent upon child support to keep the roof up. I feel grateful every time I see that money show up in my account. I know that it can evaporate at any time at the whim of someone who once made my life very difficult and even scary. It's just not a good long-term plan, and I know that. I really want to get back to where my income supports us and child support is the saving plan.

post #15 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post

 

I myself am currently dependent upon child support to keep the roof up. I feel grateful every time I see that money show up in my account. I know that it can evaporate at any time at the whim of someone who once made my life very difficult and even scary. It's just not a good long-term plan, and I know that. I really want to get back to where my income supports us and child support is the saving plan.

yeahthat.gif

 

Depending on ex's sporadic child support payments while going to school is like riding a rollercoaster with pieces of track missing. I never know if I'm going to make it to the end, but I can't just get off!

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