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should we have a third!?? agh help please

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

DH and I have had a tough time, well pretty much since we had our first kid...we have since tackled all of our issues and are doing better than ever...well just over a month ago I was pretty depressed about our life...was convinced that he and I would be divorced eventually..but I wanted to stick around for the kids...I didn't feel like I had a partner in parenting, and really never did. It was an awful feeling. In that time I told DH he could go ahead and get that vasectomy he had been wanting to get. He seemed pretty relieved and was planning on getting it done next year when he had more vacation time. The only reason I said it was because I was afraid that if we had another child I'd end up getting fed up and become a single mom, and I didn't want an oops. I certainly don't want another baby if DH doesn't want one either..We had always agreed on 2 since I wanted 2 or 3 and he wanted 1 or 2. I really wanted to try and save our marriage more than I wanted to have another child. Well, we've finally tackled our issues(mainly sex and communication) and are doing so well. I finally feel like for the first time in a LONG time I have a partner..I have never really felt like that in our parenting relationship, ever. It's been amazing. I don't know if part of it is because I told him he could go get a vasectomy and he is relieved or if it is related to the other issues we've had(that's probably the bulk of it) but now I'm thinking..I could so have another child with this man! He's a changed person. The problem now is I've already told him to go get a vasectomy, and the reasons why. I told him I thought it would be detrimental for us to have another baby, especially an accident baby, and that in order to preserve the marriage, I feel like a vasectomy is our only option now. He still is talking about getting the vasectomy and now is saying he might try and do it this year.. he's going through a job change so that changes things a little. I don't know what to do now. I know he's done having kids, but the thought of making it permanent especially after all the progress we've made makes me want to cry a little. I am truly happy with the 2 we have, and at the stage we're at with them(4 and 1), I don't even have the desire to have another, but I can't say I'll feel the same way in a year or 2 or 3, ya know?I really feel like maybe in a few years he'll be more open to another child. What should I do? I feel like I need to have one final discussion with him about it before he makes it final. I also dont want us to end up having another one and the stress of supporting three kids causes our marriage to end..I know it's a gamble, but the marriage is more important to me than fulfilling a possible desire in the future. I don't know what to say to him though! Thoughts? Oh and I'm taking hormonal birth control right now and really don't want to be.. we've taken turns with birth control, so right now it's my turn lol. Oh and also, my son who is almost 4 still doesn't sleep through the night and I'm really looking forward to getting through the sleepless nights and moving on to the next phase of our life since I still have a 1 year old and will be going through terrible twos and all that again.,.still..it's just so permanent!

post #2 of 9

What a wonderful dilemma to have ^_^ Congratulations to you both - being willing to have a child with someone is a HUGE sign of trust and commitment. 


I've had to have a LOT of conversations like this. In my first marriage, we couldn't communicate, partially cuz I was trying to be totally reasonable and consistent all the time (I'm not). I hated to say I'd changed my mind, so I couldn't be honest. So it ended. Now, my second marriage is like another world, because I can go to him and say "I know I said this, but I was scared. I'm not now. Can we talk again?" It's never failed to bring us closer.


I think you're absolutely right, you need a final, open discussion with him. And I think he deserves to hear that his hard work on your marriage (and yours, of course, but you already know that!) has paid off so well that you're proud and happy to be the mother of his children. I really can't think of any bigger compliment you could give a father. You said you were ok with a vasectomy out of fear and anger; now that the fear and anger have passed, of course you want to go back over it with your new communication skills and make sure you're both hearing each other.


You'd also need to be very clear on respecting his wishes. This is his body, after all. Yes, his decision affects you, but as women we can definitely relate to that sort of dilemma, and how important it is to feel that the final decision about our own bodies is ours. I think you will have a much better time if you plan out the gist of what you'd like to say. If you try to put it off and then just dive in, you might lead with "Don't get a vasectomy!" which really isn't what you sound like you WANT to say, and which may immediately put him on the defensive. It sounds to me like you accept that he wants that, you accept that your letting him go forward with it is at least partially responsible for your newfound trust and communication, you don't want a child right this minute, and...you're grieving. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's something I'd want to share with my husband.


You both need some slack, emotionally. You've just very recently come through a really, really emotional time - all of those intense feelings don't just vanish because things get better. In my experience, your relief at not feeling like you have one foot out the door can roll right into massive fear that someday you will again feel that way, or just a general anxiety that SOMETHING is going to go wrong (in this case, maybe that's contributing to your fear that you'll change your mind about kids later). 


My best advice is to tell him your emotions, but make it clear that you're owning them rather than putting them on him or demanding that he fix them (which, from your post, clearly you're not). It's natural to grieve when options are removed; I think that's what's happening here. If you sound like you want to take back your offer to support a vasectomy, when that's made him so happy, he may lose some of that newfound trust. Or he MAY be feeling exactly the same way. Saying clearly that you're expressing emotions, not asking for anything from him right this minute, will give you both time to sort it all out without either of you getting defensive.


If it were me, I'd ask if we could talk about the vasectomy again, and say I had a confession to make. I'd say that I was very upset and scared when we last talked about it, because we had been struggling, and that I really couldn't be as secure and supportive then as I can be now. It's an important decision for him, and I'd like to let him know how my feelings have changed now that things are so much better. Then off I'd go. 


Good luck!!! You guys can sort through ANYTHING now that you've learned to talk to each other, I know it.

post #3 of 9
I'd say be honest with him about how you feel but if he wants a vasectomy support him 100% on that.

Keep in mind that if you or both of you want kids in the future you can explore a reversal, IVF, sperm donation, or adoption.
post #4 of 9
Thread Starter 

Thanks ladies.. TallToriV you summed up my feelings perfectly. I feel like if I say nothing(again..lack of communication is what lead us to where we were, so that's not good. lol),I'll regret it even if I am okay with being done in the future. I feel like I really need to lay it all out on the line and see what happens. 3 years ago, I wouldn't have ever thought to acually express my emotions in a healthy way so I feel like the desire to talk and feel able to is a great sign of progress. woo hoo! I know in the future if we decided we really wanted another, I would suggest adoption, but honestly, I don't see a change of heart happening on his end. I've considered the Mirena IUD for long term birth control, and I may suggest that, even though I really don't want to be on it.. I've thought before about saying if you don't want more kids, then birth control is on you, but he would just go get a vasectomy..and use condoms until his appointment. That wouldn't work so well for me. Anyone have experience with Mirena or Paragard? I've heard that they can cause miscarriage if you become pregnant while using it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened!

post #5 of 9
Thread Starter 

So we talked..I told him last night I needed to talk to him about this whole vasectomy thing. He had just sat down to relax for the evening, and turned on the tv. So I asked him if he wanted to talk about it now or later. He said now was fine. He was like, "what..you don't want me to get one now?" And I told him not right now because of all the reasons listed above.. He took it really well and told me that while he still thinks he doesn't want anymore kids, he will wait. I made it clear that I didn't want anymore babies right now but that I also didn't want to make it permanent. He understood and now I'm looking into other birth control options. yay. Totally a non-issue apparently! :)

post #6 of 9

I used paraguard ( I just can't stand hormonal birth control, it messes up my head SO much, I thought I was actually clinically insane) before my first daughter and then just before this pregnancy. It was fantastic, never had to think about it. 


Most failures happen when people don't realise it has come out, which usually happens in the first month or so. I checked the strings regularly to prevent that and used protection (condoms) in the first month til it had settled in. 


The day we decided to get pregnant I took it out (you can get it out at the doc, but I chose to gently pull it out myself after reading the instructions online myself) and I got pregnant my first cycle - no hormones to come down from. 


It was fantastic for me as every other method didn't work for me - hormonal was terrible and I'm allergic to whatever they coat most condoms in, ouch!


All the best!

post #7 of 9

So glad you guys talked and it went well! Yaaay!


I just wanted to put my vote in for the Taking Charge of Your Fertility method of birth control. It worked beautifully for DH and me, and I know ladies who've used it for years successfully. (No, it's not the rhythm method, or "pulling out" or anything silly - actually, if you learn this method, you know exactly why rhythm doesn't work!) If you and your DH are ok with either avoiding sex or using condoms for about a week each month, you can avoid hormonal BC and IUDs entirely. For us, my reactions to hormonal BC were severe enough to make a little self-control seem like a walk in the park, and my health history made me feel IUDs were out. Even if you don't use it as birth control, it's great info to have!

post #8 of 9

Yes, I second this also ^^


I used it in between my two pregnancies although then I got lazy and went and got the coil. 


It works though and was really fun to do. 

post #9 of 9

We did NFP as well and I didn't like it. I'm looking into the paragard as well. I'd like to know what you decide.

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