x-post from Birth trauma

[firsttimer2012]

I am new here. This is my first post. My little girl is 11 weeks old. I had planned a peaceful, natural birth. Had originally wanted a homebirth but it is hard to come by in my area a good midwife who will do it. Anyway I loved my OB's office and the hospital Family Birth Center is beautiful and very naturally oriented.

I went into labor on my own with my water breaking at 37 w 6 days. I went in and they admitted me. I was having mild contractions for a long time.

Ended up on Pitocin, still no progress, got in the tub-no progress,cranked up the Pitocin, leading me to beg for an epidural, I was in such pain although only at 3cm. (reason being I found out later)

went all thru the night on the epidural, only dilated 3cm in 7 hours.

I had a fever since before they put in the epidural and by the next day it was high, I was purely exhausted and still in pain even thru a maxed out epidural

They finally came in and said I was at 10 cm (after 30 hours) and said I could try to push. I pushed for an hour to no avail the dr had 3 fingers inside me and could not touch my daughter's head

they finally said I needed to go for EMCS as I had been ROM for 31 hours, high fever, and some distress on the monitor. exhausted delirious and demoralized I didn't even care

The surgery itself was ok, I remember feeling some tugging and stuff and then a healthy baby screaming and wailing and I thought, she's OK! and then I passed out on and off on the table. turns out the reason she could not come down was that she had somehow moved to a transverse position, unbelievable

went to recovery where I got to see her as soon as I was coherent and latched her on. She seemed like a total stranger to me, I was so disoriented and still very exhausted (i hadn't had food or water in 18 hrs) I was begging for water and they kept saying no since I was still shortly post-op

I stayed in the hospital for a week, I had an infection, she had jaundice and lost 12% of her weight as my milk was very delayed. When we finally went home she was nursing ok but had very bad reflux. she fed, vomited and screamed constantly

i kept on like this for 6 weeks, even visiting the pediatrician who gave her meds, gave me tips on feeding, and things stil got worse. I was just too tired and also disturbed by her discomfort that on the dr's suggestion gave her some hypoallergenic formula. she was like a completely different baby after that. I felt so relieved that she was feeling better but then plagued by horrible guilt and shame that I was now formula feeding. Also still overwhelmed with trauma and guilt over my EMCS

I just don't know what to do. I am also suffering from PPD and I just feel terrible.I feel badly that nursing didn't work, that I couldn't give birth to her the way I planned, I couldn't do extended bf'ing the way i wanted, etc. I am just drowning in sadness, guilt and shame.

don't know if we will have more children so feel like that was my one chance

ReplyQuote Multi 0

ReplyQuote Multi

[skeemama]

Oh my dear, it sounds like you have been on a difficult path. I do not have answers for you, only some thoughts.

First, take a deep breath, let it out.  

Your baby's birth was exactly what she needed for HER journey.  

It can be so disappointing to not have things go as planned.  Forgive yourself. 

Embrace where you are now~motherhood.  

The answer to another child will eventually become clear.  

No two pregnancies or children will be exactly alike, or alike at all.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself.  Do you have a support group?  Family? Friends?

Religious group?  Does your partner understand "where you are" with all of this?

Sending you healing and peace.

[firsttimer2012]

thank you for your response. I'm really hoping that I will feel better as time goes on. My family and friends have been more like, you're fine and your baby is fine, get past it. My DH doesn't even think I have PPD even though my therapist diagnosed it. She even went so far as to say she thinks PTSD after my delivery and hospital stuff and etc.

I have been very fortunate that my bond with my baby feels strong now. Even though we lost nursing we still co sleep, babywear, etc and I still feed her on demand and do most of her bottle feedings, I hold her pretty much all the time and try to forget the issues

as for 2nd child we had originally only wanted 1 and now i feel i want another but i think it might just be so i can try again :(

[Philothea]

Oh mama, hugs to you!! That is rough. I know this is an old post but I wanted to respond if this still applies to you. I don't think you should feel guilty at all about csection or the formula. Sure, you were right to desire a natural birth and desire to breastfeed, but sometimes that doesn't work out. I am a passionate advocate for natural birth, but I am absolutely thankful that we have the medical technology for.c-sections because there are times when it is necessary, like in your transverse case. I understand you were disappointed, of course, but don't feel guilty bc it seems like that was really best for you and baby. I'm so sorry it was so hard. You have no reason to be "drowning in guilt and shame." You love your baby with all your heart, that is clear. The situation was out of your control. You did the best that you could and that's all that we can do as mamas. If your still feeling low, something that I've done which greatly helps is hold my baby when she's awake and look deeply into her eyes and tell her the things that I'm sorry for that I wish could have been better for her. Isometimes I just apologize that the world can be such an ugly, hard, unfair place, but I know she will make the best of it. If I've done something less than love her perfectly, I ask her forgiveness and then I tell her that I promise I will do better. I'm trying with all my heart but everyone makes mistakes. That is a valuable lesson. I know she understands and then I can let the past be the past and I can move into the future without that negativity holding me down.
Hope this helps and that you are doing better!!

[CI Mama]

You have been through a lot! I hope the journey is getting easier as time passes. I know how hard it can be.

There is a group on Mothering that you might find helpful, for women who had a long labor followed by an unplanned c-section. Here's the link to the group:

http://www.mothering.com/community/groups/show/25/unplanned-c-section-after-long-labor-support-group

It's a very supportive environment for working through the complex and difficult feelings that come with having a labor and deliver that "derails." Many of us also struggled with breastfeeding issues and PPD.

Please come join us if that would help you!