I am new here. This is my first post. My little girl is 11 weeks old. I had planned a peaceful, natural birth. Had originally wanted a homebirth but it is hard to come by in my area a good midwife who will do it. Anyway I loved my OB's office and the hospital Family Birth Center is beautiful and very naturally oriented.
I went into labor on my own with my water breaking at 37 w 6 days. I went in and they admitted me. I was having mild contractions for a long time.
Ended up on Pitocin, still no progress, got in the tub-no progress,cranked up the Pitocin, leading me to beg for an epidural, I was in such pain although only at 3cm. (reason being I found out later)
went all thru the night on the epidural, only dilated 3cm in 7 hours.
I had a fever since before they put in the epidural and by the next day it was high, I was purely exhausted and still in pain even thru a maxed out epidural
They finally came in and said I was at 10 cm (after 30 hours) and said I could try to push. I pushed for an hour to no avail the dr had 3 fingers inside me and could not touch my daughter's head
they finally said I needed to go for EMCS as I had been ROM for 31 hours, high fever, and some distress on the monitor. exhausted delirious and demoralized I didn't even care
The surgery itself was ok, I remember feeling some tugging and stuff and then a healthy baby screaming and wailing and I thought, she's OK! and then I passed out on and off on the table. turns out the reason she could not come down was that she had somehow moved to a transverse position, unbelievable
went to recovery where I got to see her as soon as I was coherent and latched her on. She seemed like a total stranger to me, I was so disoriented and still very exhausted (i hadn't had food or water in 18 hrs) I was begging for water and they kept saying no since I was still shortly post-op
I stayed in the hospital for a week, I had an infection, she had jaundice and lost 12% of her weight as my milk was very delayed. When we finally went home she was nursing ok but had very bad reflux. she fed, vomited and screamed constantly
i kept on like this for 6 weeks, even visiting the pediatrician who gave her meds, gave me tips on feeding, and things stil got worse. I was just too tired and also disturbed by her discomfort that on the dr's suggestion gave her some hypoallergenic formula. she was like a completely different baby after that. I felt so relieved that she was feeling better but then plagued by horrible guilt and shame that I was now formula feeding. Also still overwhelmed with trauma and guilt over my EMCS
I just don't know what to do. I am also suffering from PPD and I just feel terrible.I feel badly that nursing didn't work, that I couldn't give birth to her the way I planned, I couldn't do extended bf'ing the way i wanted, etc. I am just drowning in sadness, guilt and shame.
don't know if we will have more children so feel like that was my one chance