New here. Need help :(

[StudyingStones]

Hi everyone,

I found out yesterday that my husband was trying to cheat on me -for the third time.

Each time I have caught him, we have sought counseling, he has cried and apologized and sworn he will change. And each time his behavior has gotten worse. This time he was trying to meet a woman at a motel outside of our city for sex. (and we had been trying to have another baby!!!!! What a friggin dick!!!)

I found the emails and packed his bags and called his parents to let them know what happened, and that he was not welcome back home.

I got the keys for the car and the house (or rather, my dad went and got them), and told him not to contact me and that I would be contacting a lawyer.

He keeps texting me and telling me I have no class because I did this all behind his back, and that I 'threw him under the bus' and he's really pissed off that I told his parents.

I told him after the last time that if I EVER found emails, texts, anything of that nature to other women again, I would leave him, and I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of a discussion first, because he would know why I was leaving him. I know I did the right thing.

But still, THIS EFFING SUCKS. I can't believe that I ACTUALLY had to pack his bags. I'm in complete and utter shock. I can't stop throwing up, my stomach is in such a tight ball of anxiety, but I have to be strong for my son.

How the hell do I explain this to him? He's going to start asking where daddy is today when he comes home from summer camp, and I can't lie to hm.

Please, somebody help me! I am so lost right now.

[Wilhemina]

Oh my I just want to reach out and hug you. 

Originally Posted by StudyingStones 


He keeps texting me and telling me I have no class because I did this all behind his back, and that I 'threw him under the bus' and he's really pissed off that I told his parents.

My therapist tells me - and it helps - his mind is a scary place, you don't need to be in there.  He might want you in there and try to get you in there, but you don't have to go.

 I know I did the right thing.

Yes, yes you definitely did.

 I'm in complete and utter shock. I can't stop throwing up, my stomach is in such a tight ball of anxiety,

Do whatever you need to do.   You will probably have to listen to your body here.  And hey, it is okay to err on the side of selfish - you have probably taken care to err on the other side for a very long time.  Cut YOURSELF the slack now. Know that okay maybe far away and may come in fleeting glimpses for a while.  That's fine.  Do NOT add to your stress the stress of trying to be okay.

but I have to be strong for my son.

You have been strong for him.  You are being strong for him. 

How the hell do I explain this to him? He's going to start asking where daddy is today when he comes home from summer camp, and I can't lie to him.

I hesitate to advise here.  Can you find a quiet space/time to think?  Here is my practice in case it helps.  It may sound weird.:

1.  Describe the problem with all the crazy mixed up whatever you need aloud.  "I have to tell Joe when he gets back,but I can't hll be so devistated and EX will go crazy if I tell him alone but I can't see him right now and he is in loony mood with all the texting and Joe can't be subjected to that and school is coming how can I deal him this blow right now and.....

2.  At the natural breathing/pausing point when you don't know what comes next instantly.  Breathe.  Really breathe.  Close your eyes and focus on the breathe. At least a minute or two

3.  Ask yourself where do I feel this?  and/or what does it feel like?  and/or what does it smell like?  what does it remind me of?

4.  Let the answer just meander through whatever path it is on.  I always got these dreamlike metaphors.

5.  Stay in the metaphorical problem - not the "actual" problem as you described it in step 1.  Now ask yourself what would make the metaphical situation better?  What is the first small step to take?  Don't try to fix the whole thing, just what is the first thing to do?  

6.  Now double check, if you "do" that step (in your metaphor), do you feel better?  You will probably be surprised that you will intuitively understand what this translates to IRL

I hope something here helps you.

[lilgreen]

I am so so sorry. Your pain is clearly unbearable right now and I understand why. You certainly did the right thing and I am so impressed with the immediate and clear steps you have taken. You are amazing.

You mentioned your dad... can your dad and/or your mom be with you right now? Can they maybe take your son out for dinner and/or have a sleepover? Or can you arrange a night out for him with a friend? I know it may feel like a ridiculous thing to do, but even if you call up one of his friends' mothers and you ask her while you're crying, it's ok. Or text her and briefly explain the urgency. It's ok to seem vulnerable right now. You need to use the strength of the people around you right now. Like Wilhemina I am hesitant to advise how to tell him, but I think in this situation I would try to get someone to take him for the evening or even a sleepover and have them tell him you are not well (totally true) and you just need some rest and to be alone. This gives you some time. Then, while he's at camp tomorrow, can you meet with a counsellor or be with your mom/dad or a friend? I wonder if even your mom or dad could be there with you when you tell your son, to offer him some added strength while you feel so vulnerable. 

ETA: or if your son doesn't do sleepovers yet, maybe your dad/mom/friend could spend the night and get your son to bed and be there in the morning to get him off to camp. That way he can know you are 'resting' in your room and he has the comfort of being at home.

Yes, breathing is so helpful. Sounds simplistic, but it's true. 

Also, if you're not opposed, you could get some medication for the immediate time being to help manage the physical reaction to your stress/anxiety. Doctors prescribe stuff (like ativan) all the time to help people get through majorly stressful episodes in people's lives. My dad's a doctor, which is why I say 'all the time' with confidence.

Keep posting as you need to. That's what I did when I needed someone/anyone out there to listen. I still do (I'm in the midst of separating). I'll be online the rest of today and into tonight. I will keep checking and I will be here to listen and to reassure you that you can and will get through this. 

Sending you love and peace.... xoxoxo  You're going to be ok and your son is going to be ok, too.

[Findingstrength]

I'm new too. My stomach hurts all the time now too.

[lilgreen]

Originally Posted by Findingstrength 

I'm new too. My stomach hurts all the time now too.

Hugs. I totally didn't make the connection, but my stomach has been a mess lately. 

OP, how are you doing?

[StudyingStones]

Thank you ladies for your wonderful words of support.

I spent the day today alternating between sobbing and being pissed off.

He asked me for his stuff, so I spent the night (with my best friend), packing all his shit and it was SO surreal and depressing. Seeing the wedding video and the cd with pictures of the first real vacation we took together. I still can't believe that it's just over like that and that there's no going back. Imthoughtmwe would grow old together. I never expected this, and I am SO sad. I thought he was really trying to change, I know I was trying to, but instead he just escalated his cheating behavior. I feel so disgusted, and now I have to call my dr and go for an STD check, and that is SO f$&@ed up.

DS went for a sleepover with my mom, and my dad came over to mediate/protect me from my ex. He wouldn't let my ex into the house unless he was willing to sign the car over to me (it was bought with inheritance money after my great-grandmother passed away), and he refused to sign. I could hear the screaming from through the triple-locked doors. I am so thankful for my parents. I couldn't do this without them.

So now I have all his crap sitting in boxes in my living room, and I need to hide them because I don't want DS to see.

I did end up telling him today, and he was just so sad. He cried and cried and cried and said he wished his daddy didn't have to live somewhere else, and that the house was so lonely with just us (I agree), and then I had to tell him that dad would be taking the dog and it was just terrible. I feel like I broke his heart. I feel so awful.

In the end he was ok. He said 'I stopped crying because it was making me tired' and happily played with Lego. He told my dad the whole situation very matter of factly (while I had to run to another room to cry), so I think he's handling it ok. I explained that he and I would move to a nice new apartment that would be just ours, and we would make it feel like home. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

This sucks.

[lilgreen]

Originally Posted by StudyingStones 

Thank you ladies for your wonderful words of support.

I spent the day today alternating between sobbing and being pissed off.

He asked me for his stuff, so I spent the night (with my best friend), packing all his shit and it was SO surreal and depressing. Seeing the wedding video and the cd with pictures of the first real vacation we took together. I still can't believe that it's just over like that and that there's no going back. Imthoughtmwe would grow old together. I never expected this, and I am SO sad. I thought he was really trying to change, I know I was trying to, but instead he just escalated his cheating behavior. I feel so disgusted, and now I have to call my dr and go for an STD check, and that is SO f$&@ed up.

DS went for a sleepover with my mom, and my dad came over to mediate/protect me from my ex. He wouldn't let my ex into the house unless he was willing to sign the car over to me (it was bought with inheritance money after my great-grandmother passed away), and he refused to sign. I could hear the screaming from through the triple-locked doors. I am so thankful for my parents. I couldn't do this without them.

So now I have all his crap sitting in boxes in my living room, and I need to hide them because I don't want DS to see.

I did end up telling him today, and he was just so sad. He cried and cried and cried and said he wished his daddy didn't have to live somewhere else, and that the house was so lonely with just us (I agree), and then I had to tell him that dad would be taking the dog and it was just terrible. I feel like I broke his heart. I feel so awful.

In the end he was ok. He said 'I stopped crying because it was making me tired' and happily played with Lego. He told my dad the whole situation very matter of factly (while I had to run to another room to cry), so I think he's handling it ok. I explained that he and I would move to a nice new apartment that would be just ours, and we would make it feel like home. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

This sucks.

Wow. You really are amazing! And your parents are fantastic. You are going to be ok - you really are. I know how hard it was to tell my kids and I had a lot of time to prepare, so I can imagine how hard it must have been for you. But you are already moving forward. Your new home will be so comfortable and happy and your son is going to thrive.... because he has an amazing mother and role model to love him and to show him how to respect people.

Be sure to be nice to yourself now.  I got my hair cut and bought myself a travel coffee mug that keeps my coffee hot for 5 hours. Sounds little, but it really made a difference to me when I was dealing with the most emotional part of ending my marriage. I also forced myself to do yoga/pilates often. I did it in my home with myyogaonline.com partly because I couldn't trust that I wouldn't burst out sobbing.

And keep posting for support. 

xo You're doing great! 

[Wilhemina]

"That was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

This sucks."

 

My heart just aches for you.  You did so well.  Please keep leaning on the folks in your life that want to support you.

 

 

 

[lilgreen]

How are you? I've been thinking about you. xo

[Mama Soltera]

What a strong woman you are. Your son is lucky to have you. Good for you for standing your ground and knowing you deserve honesty and respect. I am so sorry you're going through this. It is truly awful. Your body just has to cope with it in its own way. I couldn't eat more than a bite or two each mealtime for several weeks when I left my ex. It will get better though. Your body will start functioning normally and then you'll need to start working on healing your heart and your head.

I had to go get checked for STDs under similar circumstances. It was awful. Just be honest with your OB. I broke down and cried while she was checking me out and she just hugged me and said she understood how hard this was and it was so comforting.

Is your dad willing to spend special time with your son over the next few months and be a good listener? That could really help him get through this. That's wonderful you have such a strong support system. Lean on people as much as you need to right now.

Stay strong. You are really doing wonderfully.

[StudyingStones]

I'm doing ok. Things are turning a bit ugly now that we're looking at dividing up the assets. He's fighting tooth and nail to get the car, even though he's not the one that's going to need it to drive our son to and from school everyday. I really can't wait until this is all over and I can truly move on without having to deal with all this crap.
It seems like he wants joint custody, and was talking about DS staying with hm for a month at a time - over my dead body will I ever agree to something like that. He does not get to screw up my life, AND take my little boy away. I just want this to be over. I want to be moved out of here and settled in a nice little apartment with my son, and be done dealing with him.

I have the most amazing support system, my two best friends, my sister, my cousin (who is like a sister to me), and both my parents and my aunt are so supportive to me and have offered to take DS whenever I need it. I am so lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life. My ex's dad says he's supportive and that he loves me and my son, yet supports his asshole son to take the car that he does not need, and will probably use to go sleep with skanks out of town. I am so infuriated that he would say he has my son's best interests in mind, yet not support me in this.

My ex came over to take pictures of his 'assets' yesterday. All he's contributed to this relationship over 11 years is a huge amount of movies and electronics, and they are what is most precious to him. My FIL said to me that my ex was having a really hard time and was really frustrated, and I don't know if he was expecting some kind of pity from me but I told him I was glad he was suffering, and that he deserved every moment of stress and frustration he felt, and that I have nothing kind to say to or about him right now.

He (my ex) also tried to hug me and apologize when my dad and I brought DS over for a visit, and I told him (when DS was out of the room), that his apology isn't worth dirt to me, and how many times has he apologized for this same thing only to do it again. Too little, too late.

This entire situation is just so messed up. I cannot believe that by his selfish actions my whole life has been turned upside down. I hate him right now, I really do.

[rocky]

Hugs - so sorry.  I have been through this too. My xh slept with our housekeeper and then had another affair - I found out about both at about the same time.  I had to get tested for std's, I had to deal with the in-laws - they will NOT support you.  I too stopped eating - I started again about 4 months after the initial shock.  I have never been so thin in my life.  My bones stuck out.  I couldn't sleep and was no good for my kids.

For your son - I do have advice.  He is a kid and needs to be in the world of kids.  That is to say, Legos, dress up, drawing, tv... whatever.  He does not need to be involved in adult problems.  Do not involve him.  do not make him the man of the house.  Let him live in kids fantasy world and enjoy it to the max.  Be strong for him.  (You are being strong already!  Keep it up) .  Do not let him see your pain and do not let him know details. Just that you both love him very much and you both will always be there for him.  I know it's hard to say this to him when you probably believe your xh doesn't love him or wouldn't have done this to him.  (b/c it's true, your xh did this to HIM!).  Do not fight with your xh in front of him. 

My xh cheated in 2008 so it's been a while.  I can tell you that it will get better.  I know you don't believe that right now but it will get SOOOO much better.  My life is a million times better now without xh - even though I was a sahm and had no idea how I'd make ends meet - and lost all those dreams.  But they were just dreams.  The reality was I had a cheating husband who cheated b/c I didn't like the guy that much in the first place (took a lot for me to really understand my real feelings about him but it is the truth).  My xh sought out women who thought he was great  - I didnt' think he was great - (he WASN'T!!).  So thank goodness I'm rid of him and now I have a chance to start again.  I have 3 kids and am still single- but so happy! And xh and I have a pretty decent relationship considering that I felt exactly how you feel right now.

  I got full custody of my kids and this is also where I have some advice - you need to be there for your son - and you need to stay clear headed.  I got custody because I was in therapy and the therapy helped me so much that I was able to think straight.  I was aware that I was sometimes unable to make proper decisions but I knew who to go to to get things done.  I own some apartments and had trouble with a tenant - I couldn't think straight so called a landlord friend of mine and just did EXACTLY what she told me to do.  I will never forget that - it was so simple and I simply couldn't have figured it out for myself.  I could not have done this and would not have gotten custody had I let myself fall into a deep depression.  To not get depressed I had to work hard.  Do not stay in bed - get done everything you need to get done by making lists with deadlines, work out - jog, yoga, whatever - but do it every day.  If there is something you normally like to do but find you're not enjoying it - do it anyway, every day and do not stop even if you're not enjoying it.  Do not allow yourself to call yourself names or get mad at yourself.  You do not want to lose your son for a month at a time - you need to start forming a plan and will not be able to do that if you are becoming depressed. 

Big big big hugs.  Take care of yourself and take care of your son.  You are lucky to have a good support network and you are going to be ok.  Do not ever consider getting back together with him b/c serial cheaters do not change and your xh is is serial cheater.  As is mine. 

Also maybe it would help you to go to survivinginfedelity.com (sorry if spelling is wrong)  there you will find a lot of people in similar situations.  There is another one maybe called surviving an affair - I did a lot of research on affairs and was on sites like those a lot - it helped me process. 

I wish there were something more I could do to help you through this faster - it will take time though.  trust that it will get better. 

Also I would recommend reading the book Crazy Time - about the period of separation - it's a book that has been around for over 25 years but for a good reason. 

[Goodmom2008]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. 

When you get an attorney, you need to have your attorney file for exclusive use of the family home.  Because your stbx can move back in anytime he wants to and you can't stop him unless there is a court order.  You may want to hope that he doesn't realize that because the longer he is out of the home, the better your chances of getting exclusive use of the family home in court.   Even though I am in the US, I think that even in Canada, one can't just kick a person out of their home without some type of legal action. 

So far, your stbx is letting you.  But you will want to get it legal. 

[provocativa]

You are doing awesome!  Having a support structure really helps. 

I used Rescue Remedy to manage my stress.
 

[rocky]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

When you get an attorney, you need to have your attorney file for exclusive use of the family home.  Because your stbx can move back in anytime he wants to and you can't stop him unless there is a court order.  You may want to hope that he doesn't realize that because the longer he is out of the home, the better your chances of getting exclusive use of the family home in court.   Even though I am in the US, I think that even in Canada, one can't just kick a person out of their home without some type of legal action. 

So far, your stbx is letting you.  But you will want to get it legal. 

For me my xh (stbx at the time) who was cheating - didn't try to MOVE in - he just wanted to WALTZ in whenever he wanted to.  And legally he was allowed to do this b/c the home was one half his and one half mine and no legal action had yet been taken.  The day I filed for divorce was the day that he was no longer legally allowed to come in anymore.  IT was a huge moment for me and meaningful.  He was at the door trying to get  in and I explained to him it was no longer his home -  and said I'd call the police if he came in.  I told him I don't mean to be harsh but that when he comes in we fight in front of the kids, he tells me what a slob I am... etc... I don't need that, so please don't come in!  My lawyer explained it to me as if I own a house that I rent to tenants.  I am not allowed in my tenants home unless I'm invited in or with their approval.  It is the same once you file for divorce.  At least where I live - and considering he moved out. 

Definitely take action on this and if you are too distraught to do so get your support group to help you.   

[TSomm]

I know what you're going through right now really su*ks, but your strength is inspirational.  Thanks for sharing with us.

[StudyingStones]

I thought I'd update here and let y'all know how things are going with me.

It's been 2.5 weeks since "the explosion" (as I'm now calling it), and I am feeling OK.  Not great, but certainly better than I felt 2 weeks ago. 

Some days I feel wildly hopeful and excited for the future, and some days I want to punch things or lay down in a ball and cry.  DS and I were accepted into a BEAUTIFUL apartment with laundry IN the unit (and central air!) and I am so excited to move out of our place. We get the apartment on Sept. 15 - 10 days from now!!!  I have great plans for painting DS' room to make it all his own, as well I'd like to paint my room as I've never been 'allowed' to do that before. 

We are still trying to deal with the division of assets, and it is not fun.  He has 8 million movies and video games, a 3d tv, 2 xboxes, a playstation 3 and a bunch of other gizmos, and of course he wants ALL of those things and to leave me with the furniture as part of "my assets".  Because I clearly need 3 couches, 2 coffee tables, 2 tv stands, 6 end tables, 2 dinner tables. Yeah. I'm trying to divide up the list fairly so that we each get some of the more expensive items (I plan to sell mine), but it's rough going.   Although he thinks all those items are "his", I've been making twice as much money as he has for the last several years, so anything bought was certainly paid for with mostly my money. 

Another completely messed up thing is he served me with divorce papers!!!!!!!!!!!  WTF????????  In Ontario you have to be separated for 1 year before a divorce can go through - the day he served me (or rather his MOM served me), it had been 7 days since I asked him to leave the house.  So now this has gone from a situation that I hoped we could sit down and agree upon at the dinner table to me needing to get a lawyer because he's an idiot.  No surprises there, but BOY am I pissed off.  He's also asking for spousal support which just infuriates me even further.  He makes half of what I do because he's too lazy to do anything with himself.  In the 11 years we were together I encouraged him COUNTLESS times to go back to school to advance himself and he refused to go. So he works at walmart making minimum wage, and now he thinks that I should pay him out of the money that I need to support DS and myself.. what? so he can rent motel rooms to have sex with whores? Or so he can buy 8 million more blu ray movies?   Over my dead body. 

This is just SO beyond me.  I cannot understand what would ever posess him to try and get spousal support when he KNOWS that I need that money for DS and I.  I am SO infuriated.

He's also asking for joint custody, with 50/50 split visitation.  I have no idea what the hell he is thinking.  DS is 5 and needs a steady home environment, not to be living out of a suitcase for the rest of his life.  I have been assured by countless people that no judge would ever award 50/50 custody of a child DS' age, as it is not in the best interest of the child.  It just goes to show how completely selfish he is that he thinks that is what would be best.  Once again he's only thinking of himself.  No surprises there.   I will be seeking sole custody with adequate visitation.  I have no desire to take DS away from the Ex, he's been having regular visits these past 2 weeks, but what he is thinking is out of the question.   Plus, he works a lot of evenings and weekends (often until 9pm), so there is no way he would even be available that 50% of the time to care for DS, and if he thinks his parents can help out I am going to have a big issue with that.  This custody is not between me and his parents, it's between me and HIM.  I have faith that no judge would award him what he's asking, but boy does it ever weigh heavily on the conscience.

So, on the docket for me the next couple weeks: packing, packing, packing.  DS and I will be moving to our new place the last weekend of September, and there is A LOT to do before then.  I haven't been able to start yet because I feel so simply overwhelmed by how much STUFF is in the house.  I am going to have to get rid of so much crap.  I can't wait till this is all over and DS and I are settled into our new place. 

[easydoesit]

I hope that you are able to get a lawyer as soon as possible. Because of his ideas/demands for spousal support and joint custody, I think you should get a lawyer on your side right away.
 

[Bad Mama Jama]

you did do the right thing.  as far as what to tell your son, i would just say that right now you and his dad are working out what to do next as his dad cannot stay there presently.  just give as honest info as possible without being too descriptive because if you say he'll be back, your child will hole you to that.

[Mama Soltera]

Thanks for the updates. That sounds like an incredible amount of stress. I know some men try to get joint custody to avoid child support, which is ridiculous when you think about how much more it costs when the kids are actually living with you. I hate to say it but this is probably some kind of power play. Use all the support systems you can and any resources (like a really good lawyer) to keep your son with you most of the time.