Please help cool me off...Mom disagreeing with babycare « Back to Group Discussions

[RosieL]

So, Mom thinks we put diapers on too tight (they have several snap positions). I carefully review his diapers, disagree with her, tell her why, but promise to keep an eye out. Since then he's grown, we let the elastic out a bit. 

Sunday night she changed his diaper while we were at a family gathering. I offered to help with the snaps, since she has expressed she has some trouble with them physically (I agree, sometimes they're hard to snap). She says no, she can do it, and snaps them on the loosest setting. I re-snap them, telling her I don't want leaks. She expresses again that she thinks they are too tight.

I ask, "Do you really think that I am keeping my son in pain all the time?" She replies that she thinks we think differently, but basically intimates that yes, I'm harming my son. 

I'm really upset by this. Not so much about the diapers, because the worst consequence is a leak, but upset about the willful and silent disagreement. We disagreed, I thought it was resolved, but instead she just went about doing it her way instead, not telling me. She must have been snapping his last diaper of the day tighter, because she sent him home with a properly fitting dipe each day (she does one day of care a week).

I'm upset because it makes me think that in the future when we disagree about his care, she will just do what she wants anyway, "behind my back," so to speak.

I brought it up this morning but ran out of the house before we could get into it because I was hot headed...I thought I had been ready to have a cool conversation but obviously not. I'm usually pretty chill and together...but not about this. 

Please help me cool off. Generally my mom is awesome. 

[RosieL]

Please, someone tell me I'm being hormonally crazy!

[chiromama01]

oh rosie, this is the first of so many disagreements to come. ive been right where ur at, and its never easy.  here are my thoughts... pick your battles wisely.  if odin wont be harmed by her actions, and shes willing to do the extra laundry etc from leaks, then id probably try to let it go. take a stand on the bigger stuff. to some extent, she will do it her way when hes with her.  i would even acknowledge it, like saying, "i know we disagree on this issue, and it seems you have decided to do this specific task your way while he is in your care.  i can respect that, as i know that you are also looking out for his well being.  i am ok with agreeing to disagree on this issue (if you are) but please know that in the future, if i do INSIST something be done my way, this means its of MAJOR IMPORTANCE to me, and i likely have good reasons for doing task this way. .." i'm sure you can spruce it up a bit, but that's kind of where my mom and I are at with disagreements regarding the kids.  It does help to remember that no one else will love him like she does when you're away :)

I hope you guys can find a happy middle ground. good luck!!

[RosieL]

Thanks Chiro. That sounds like a very rational response. :) I need rational!

I especially need to remember this: 

Quote:

It does help to remember that no one else will love him like she does when you're away :)

[prettyisa]

Hi Rosie,

We have this kind of issue with my MIL, too. She doesn't live near us, so it's less frustrating (since obviously it happens less frequently). When it did, though, we had to have a big sit-down conversation about it. She just didn't understand that we have reasons for disagreeing with her and even though it maybe isn't a big deal (like Chiro said, if she's willing to clean up the mess, it probably doesn't matter how tight the cover is snapped) it makes it hard for us to trust her on things that really are important. In turn, we also tried to make it obvious that we are listening to her advice and giving it a shot (for example, she wanted us to try sleeping with the baby in her own room instead of in her bassinet in our room. we weren't sure we were ready for that change, but we gave it a shot and hey! it was great!). When you can make her feel like she's being heard on stuff that you don't care about--not just allowed to do what she wants when you are out of the room, but that you're actually listening to her and that you appreciate her suggestions once in a while--she might be more willing to do what you want on the things that matter, since you can say you tried it her way and it just isn't how you want to go for xyz reason.

Good luck figuring it all out--I think the transition to grandparenthood is harder than it seems. They are so used to being the authority and having the knowledge that stepping back and realizing that they have to trust their own kids to do a good job must be kind of a shock.

[RosieL]

Originally Posted by prettyisa 

Good luck figuring it all out--I think the transition to grandparenthood is harder than it seems. They are so used to being the authority and having the knowledge that stepping back and realizing that they have to trust their own kids to do a good job must be kind of a shock.

Thanks for pointing this out. It's something I really need to remember. 

I think I've cooled off. This was a very small thing, and I don't believe she would go behind my back for anything of consequence. It was the seed of doubt that got me really upset/worried. And a friend mentioned to me that "If grandma spoils him a little bit, he's not going to turn into a serial killer or a deadbeat." I will keep this in mind. :)

[flavorfull1]

Just wanted to give virtual hugs :)  I don't think you are overreacting but I also think what others have suggested are good ideas too. I think it is super hard when our parents have differing opinions when it comes to parenting...even in the small stuff. I think the bigger thing, like you said, is what this means about future differences.  The diaper, not such a biggie. But the way she went about it was not the most mature.  Sounds like a good time to sit down and talk about the transition from just being someone's child to being someone's parent as well as child.  I can see both sides and I think trust is huge. You obviously trust her and I would make sure she understands your appreciation for her as well as the importance of letting you parent your child the way you see fit.  I am sure she probably has some tips and that is great but the awesome thing about parenting is that you get to figure it out for yourself and decide what you want to do with your child.  so....pretty much what everyone else said lol.