Hello all! Been lurking here a short time, but I thought I’d jump into the fray headfirst here. Thanks for taking my call…..
First things first: I have a penis. Have had since birth. I take it with me everywhere I go. I also like baseball and rock n roll music played loud. Oftentimes I forget to do the laundry. Sometimes I let the dishes pile up. There are a host of other things I could say about myself, but I’ll hold off for now. Just wanted to get that out of the way at first because it’s important to understand I’m a guy. It’s also important to understand that I’m not one of those interweb perverts looking to pick up chicks or sexting partners. I’m a real person with a real problem, and I need advice – a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. I’ve been doing some online research on this problem, and that led me to your board. Strange – it just popped up on Google. You all seem to be very similar to me in terms of your socioeconomic background, relationship status and what not. Perhaps it’s a bit strange that I’m doing this on a motherhood website, but here goes!
I’m in my early 40s and have been married for almost 20 years. My wife is a wonderful woman in many ways: hard working professional, devoted mother and a good all around person. My wife is a lawyer, and a very motivated one at that. She always has been. Her salary has helped us build up a comfortable way of life and a nice nest egg. I have a professional career as well – I’ve been teaching history for about 14 years now. I don’t bring in as much as her, but I like my job very much. We have awesome kids (although none of the little buggers sleep and never have).
However, our marriage is on the rocks, and it has been for years. Marriage is not a one way street, and I can fully admit that I cause my share of the problems. (See laundry/dishes comment earlier….) I am a procrastinator the likes of which the world has never seen. I like movies, especially historical ones. I spend way too much time online at a few music message boards, reading the news, and reading about historical stuff. Last night, I was up reading about Shia Islam; the night before that I found a great article on Midway during WWII. I love that stuff and am sometimes compulsive about it, and it drives her (and, I will admit, the kids) crazy. Also, during the school year, I spend a great amount of time wrapped up in my job. All of the above have added a great deal of stress to the marriage.
My wife brings many issues to the table as well in terms of the stresses of our marriage. She has a very go get ‘em personality and has very definite opinions about everything from money to time spent to what to feed the kids and what color the shower curtain should be. She has her faults, none of which I need to go into now, frankly because they don’t bug me all that much.
This brings me to the core of the problems our marriage faces from my perspective: she is completely asexual, which is to say that she’s got zero sex drive. Zilch. Nada. Nothin’ doing downstairs. She has an extreme fear of heights, and let’s just say she’d rather be duct taped to the top of the Sears tower than make whoopee. Strangely enough, I have a very low sex drive myself – at least compared to other men. That being said, I’d still like to have an intense relationship with my wife that includes sex.
Also, a short bit on past relationships. My wife and I started dating in college, and ours was the first serious relationship for either one of us. Both of us had never pitched the woo before we got married. I “went” with Bess Farple in middle school, who dumped me after a month after she saw me in a swim suit in PE class (true story! I was a tubby kid….). I dated a girl during my sophomore/junior years in high school but never had sex. We lived a long way away from each other and only saw each other rarely, although we did talk on the phone almost every night – great conversations. I had other opportunities but passed them up, either because I was too shy or, at that age, just not interested. Casual sex and picking up girls never interested me all that much.
In my late teens and early 20s, I can probably count on one hand the number of girls I had serious crushes on. My wife happened to be one of them. When we started dating, things seemed hot n heavy early – so much so that I was concerned she was moving too fast for me. But there was no sex. When I was finally ready for it, she informed that she wasn’t and wanted to wait for marriage. Although it isn’t what I wanted, my southern chivalric upbringing understood, and I didn’t want to pressure her. I agreed, although I did stress the fact that I was really looking forward to developing that side of the relationship and didn’t want to be trapped in a sexless marriage. I didn’t want to be 40 and celibate. She understood and promised to work on it after we got married.
That brings us to where we are today: 40 and celibate. Our marriage has no excitement whatsoever, and neither of us are really attracted to each other anymore (although my wife is still totally hot- but no emotional attachment). I am pretty devastated over it, to be honest. I’m on an antidepressant, although it doesn’t seem to be doing much for me. I can’t cheat on her, as I don’t have it in me to make a mockery of marriage. And I can’t leave her for several reasons: first, it’s hard to give up the security that we have financially speaking. More importantly, however, is the kids. I can’t bear the thought of not living with them. They deserve two parents.
In any case, if anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears. I’ll hang up and take your answer off the air!