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Help- need clarity, to find out the gender or not

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 

Hi ladies-

We have 2 wonderful girls.  DD1 we found out her gender at our 20 week u/s.  DD2 we did not find out the gender.  I loved guessing the entire pregnancy and finding out when she was born (although, I was pretty sure she was a girl).  This time, we were set on finding out... DH really wanted to find out.  About 4 weeks ago, I freaked out and decided I didn't want to know.  I have no idea why I was feeling it so strong, but I 'REALLY' didn't want to find out.  Both DH and I are fine either way, so there will not be any gender disappointment either way.  Also, we are not doing a 20 week U/S, so it would just be an elective U/S, which we will be doing anyways, just to have some photos....


Reasons to find out:


-I have TUBS and TUBS of clothes (boy and girl) and we will be getting rid of the stuff we don't need as this will be our last baby.  It would be nice to have everything organized before baby gets here and I am trying to do it all with 3 kids under 5 and at home.  


- prepare ourselves either way... mostly if it is a boy, since we have never had a boy


- Start to bond with baby... I am having the hardest time bonding.... I keep thinking something is going to happen to baby and I don't know if it would help to have something more concrete.


Reasons not to find out:


-Feeling tons of gender preference from those around me (everyone wants us to have a boy... mostly I think because we have 2 girls and they think we want a boy)


-Excitement of finding out when baby is born... having fun guessing


- Keeping nosy family out of it (see reason #1).



My mom really wants to start telling her family about the baby this week... (I am 16 weeks tomorrow or Thursday), I would like to wait until we get the U/S which we can do this weekend.... so I am kind of pressed for time to decide.


I guess we can always have it in an envelope and decide later.....


I just don't know.

post #2 of 26

That's a tough one. The one thing that stands out to me is that if you decide to find out the sex, can you keep it a "secret" between you and DH? That would nix out two of your reasons not to find out. Your reasons to find out are almost exactly my reasons-- so that I can plan, prepare emotionally, and bond!

post #3 of 26

We are going to find out for the reasons you listed - i've  never not found out, but i've had moments where i didn't want to find out with this pregnancy and my last one.. 


I was thinking the same thing, can you keep it a secret? 

post #4 of 26

Your first reason for not wanting to find out is actually one of my reasons for wanting to find out.  There are some family members that are hoping for a particular gender and I want to focus on the reality of what this child will be rather than the fantasy of what some hope it to be (of course, there's the whole other fantasy of the "typical" boy and "typical" girl that I'll always have to keep in check - but that's a whole other story).  Although these same family members insist they don't care either way, it kind of annoys me to hear "I know it's going to be a _____" because I know that they really want this particular gender and it inadvertently puts pressure on me.

post #5 of 26

I am in the EXACT same boat! Except with 2 boys instead of 2 girls. ;)


I honestly want a girl so bad.. but this is probably not our last baby, so even if THIS baby is a boy, we have plenty of time to have more babies and I just want a daughter ONE DAY.... however, it would be AWESOME if this baby was girl. ;)


What we have decided---- We told everyone initially we were NOT finding out.. I had every intention of waiting until the birth.. but I have been so sick and depressed, I need SOMETHING happy/good to look forward to with the baby, and something to connect me with this baby. I haven't been feeling like I am even pregnant.. just feeling like I've been SICK.. and with so much concentration on the sickness, I want/NEED something good and solid (like, knowing the baby's sex) to help me focus on this little PERSON inside me.


So, we have told family members that we plan to have them write it in an envelope, and that we haven't decided when we are going to open it. That way we aren't going to get a ton of pressure of "well??? what is it!?!?" etc, because no one knows when/if we are going to find out..... however, I have a feeling I will cave and just find out at the Ultrasound. ;) and depending on the answer, we may tell or we may keep it a secret. I feel like either way, I really want time to see how I feel.. especially if baby is another boy, I want to be EXCITED about this baby before I start telling people, because I KNOW I will get a lot of disappointed comments from family.

post #6 of 26
Thread Starter 

I have an elective US scheduled for Friday, have not decided yet what we are going to do.  Makes sense to find out, but what if I am sad and then I can't undo finding out.  Arghhhhh.  so indecisive.  

post #7 of 26

Are you worried you'll be sad about the gender or sad that you found out?


with the first, even though you may be sad at first, you could then take the time to focus on all the positives of the gender - if you're sad you found out and won't have the surprise you could focus on all the preparing you'll be able to do ..

not that i'm trying to convince you to find out..

post #8 of 26
Thread Starter 

I really don't feel a gender preference at all, it is more like the let down of already knowing the gender.... although, not having 20 tubs of clothes waiting to be sorted until after baby arrives does sound quite nice!  


Part of me thinks it would be easier to have all girls and the other part of me wonders what it would be like to be a mom of a boy... so, either way, I think I will be happy.

post #9 of 26

tomorrow is the big day! have you made a decision?!  i have an u/s scheduled for tuesday, totally finding out  ;)

post #10 of 26
Thread Starter 

Pretty sure we will find out.  I don't know if we will share with the family though.  We will see how I am feeling after the appt.


Thanks ladies for keeping me cool!

post #11 of 26

We've never found out the gender prior to birth and we have 3 boys. We get that "pressure" to want a girl, but honestly, it would make my life SO much easier to have another boy. Now, one side would still like a little pink running around, but I don't think I would be sad or depressed if we have a 4th boy.

For me, sorting clothing and doing the nursery aren't reasons to find out, but that works for MY family. Just do what your heart tells you.

post #12 of 26
Good luck at your US today whatever you decide!
post #13 of 26
Thread Starter 

Thanks for everything ladies.  We ended up finding out and are excited!  DH and I are having a huge fight right now though.  He said some super insensitive stuff and I am just dreading all the conversations with everyone.  Today was supposed to be fun and exciting, and now I am just so angry and hurt.  

post #14 of 26

Glad you're happy with the news, but sorry about the fighting.

post #15 of 26

so glad you're excited!  - and sorry about the fighting :( 

do you think you'll share the gender with everyone or keep it to yourselves?

post #16 of 26
Thread Starter 

We will be sharing eventually, but right now I am just so irritated with DH that I can't be happy about sharing the news... you know?


Thanks for the support ladies.

post #17 of 26

so sorry mama. :( hope everything is resolved soon. ((hugs))

post #18 of 26
Thread Starter 

Deep breath!  After a few more times talking and a good night sleep, I am feeling much better.


We are having a BOY!!!!!


I feel excited about it today.  I guess all the build up made for some highly volatile conversations between DH and I.  We didn't realize how we really wanted a boy deep down.


Anyways, Healthy boy.  I really feel good now about being done at 3.



I love my girls to pieces, but am excited about getting the chance to have both.

post #19 of 26
Oh my goodness... congrats on your boy!! Glad you an DH worked it out.
post #20 of 26

How exciting- you're family will be complete! I am so glad you and DH are happy too!

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