I'm so sorry I posted and ran! I have been traveling for a couple of days, but thinking about this and appreciating your replies! My very short response-- as I've had time to consider it a bit and talk w/DH-- is that I don't think this is as much (directly) to do with worrying and the loss as the realization, per PP, that WOW PREGNANCY IS LONG! Especially since I've been pregnant since February and will be pregnant through next February (with just ~6 weeks "off" between pregnancies)! Moreso... I think it is really about the fact that I was counting every day, every week, until I got to 11-12 weeks, and then I felt/now I feel fairly "safe" (13 weeks now, as it's just after midnight). So it's like... Okay, now what? Oh, yeah, now ~28 more weeks of pregnancy!
It's just uncharted territory... and I guess kinda funky for some of us, since our experiences have been so disjointed. I've never had a pregnancy that progressed normally. I just remember getting "cut off" before this point, and wanting so badly to reach it... And now-- woo hoo! But at the same time, it's like... oh, yeah, there's stuff that comes after this, that I sorta normally would have flowed into... but hitting 12 weeks became a big nodal point (even moreso than for the average woman, I think) instead of a smooth progression from week to week, YK? Sorry I am not being more articulate-- just trying to noodle through things and exhausted from traveling.
It's not that I don't have some worry, and some "loss of innocence" d/t the miscarriage. I have actively worked on having faith and being grateful for each day. In fact, it was extremely useful for me to wean myself off of looking at my TP every time I wiped (and thanks to hormones, I went to the bathroom literally 15x/day, so there was a lot of checking!) My m/c was preceded by spotting, which, while truly scanty, occurred nearly every day for weeks before I really started bleeding/losing the pregnancy. The spotting was what made me think something was up, even though it truly, theoretically could have been "nothing." Sadly, that spotting wasn't nothing. So with this one, I had my heart in my throat every time I went to the bathroom. And I realized that, even though the "news" was ALWAYS good, I was just perpetuating a cycle and need for that sort of... "positive reinforcement." You know-- 1 o'clock and all's well. 1:30 and all's well. 2 o'clock and all's well. But it never ends.
Even though every wipe was "good," my reassurance was only as good as my last wipe.
I decided since I had no control over this process, I was going to try to trust rather than constantly second-guess what amounted to, in my mind, G-d. I even declined the doppler at my first MW's appointment (!) and plan to wait to hear baby until he/she can be heard by fetoscope. And I will only be getting one routine u/s (20 weeks)-- if any. (Haven't decided yet-- but that's for "valuable info vs. false positives" reasons, not to "prove my faith" or anything. That wouldn't be healthy for me, either.)
So amazing. I am a person who gobbles up info, likes to rip the Band-Aid off ASAP, has obsessive-compulsive tendencies-- you name it. I am the last person you-- or I!-- would think would respond to a miscarriage in this way. But letting go has brought me some peace. I know a heartbeat today does not mean a heartbeat tomorrow, so I'd rather have faith that the heartbeat I know-- in my heart!-- is there.
Not that it's always easy...