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Mothering › Groups › January 2013 Due Date Club › Discussions › So depressed. Should I leave the selfish, controlling father?

So depressed. Should I leave the selfish, controlling father?

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

I know there will be many opinions on this. But, please don't talk down to me. I'm already fighting depression about this. I want the father to be a part of the baby's life. But, he is a product of his extremely selfish mother. I don't think I can deal with his behavior. And, I'm afraid of how he will try and raise my child. He's a southern boy(coon-ass, as he puts it). I'm a northern girl. he's 26. I'm 32, and have been very independent in my life. Short relationships with me being the provider. I didn't want to stay with this guy before I got pregnant. And, I know it's my own fault I kept doing what got me pregnant. Would-a should-a could-a. I don't need advice on that aspect. What's done is done. What worries me is his need to control me. I had no job prospects in Louisiana. And, despite his promise to take care of me(knowing full well my monthly bills from the beginning). He was spending his money on beer and fast food. I had a job opportunity up north for the summer. I tried to discuss how important this chance was twice. But, it was a last minute opportunity. And, he was too busy playing video games to hear the actual words coming out of my mouth. Our apartment is not fit for an adult(mold, filth, etc), let alone a child. So, I finally just told him I was coming up north to work for the summer. The only thing he cared about was missing the first ultrasound. So, I agreed to not see a doctor till I got back. I had already been to the E.R. for spotting. And, they did all the blood and urine tests. I felt comfortable making that promise. But, he said I gave him no options. Claimed I never discussed anything with him. I told him he needed to think about the baby. This would give me the opportunity to pay my bills. And, keep my 2009 Honda Civic Sedan(4 doors good with baby!). So, once I told him I would wait the 2 months to see a doctor again he was OK with it. Problem is, once I got up here he started getting worse and worse. He has been giving me grief about everything. The more I explain that I need to be stress free, the more he tries to start fights and guilt trip me. I am expected to text him every morning when I wake up. He has only texted me first once in the whole time I've been up here. I work the weekends only. I drive an hour and a half, work for 10 hours on my feet outdoors, and then drive 1 1/2 hours home. I usually text him when I get home. But, considering I have to go straight to bed when I get home I don't always text. The next day when I text first(as usual) I get attitude. I realize I'm pregnant. But, pregnant women don't have a tendency to die in their sleep. So, why can't he text me first some days? He was supposed to be taking all of his extra money from not paying my bills and get the apartment ready for a baby. Surprise! He still has no money. Will he tell me where it goes? Hell no! He has bought a portable air conditioner, and tiled the 10' x 4' front entry way. That's it! It's been 8 weeks! He clears over $1000 a month. That's after rent and utilities are paid! His only bill is internet($40 a month). Where is your money? So, I am supposed to tell you before and after I leave the house, text you every day when I wake up, AND pay for the repairs to my car that he didn't take care of before I left. But, he can do next to nothing to get the apartment ready, spend all his money without me knowing where, not take our puppy to get spayed(I'll get a fine in my name if she doesn't get fixed soon), and he has no obligation to contact me. I'm convinced he's cheating. His ex told me he cheated on her several times when they were together. I'm not taking he word for it. But, he keeps mentioning things about me off screwing guys while I can get away with it. He's the one not talking to me. I'm lucky to hear anything from him before he goes to work at 5P.M. And, since he works less than 4 hours a night, what is he doing all day that he can't respond to my morning text? I have tried over and over to discuss this with him. He just tells me that I'm pregnant and that I should respect him. But, where's my respect? Why am I being treated like a child? How do I leave him if he won't see how hypocritical and selfish he is being? I have never let anybody treat me this way. But, I want to give him every opportunity to have us in his life. I have a horrible guilt factor. But, when is enough enough? I know I need to leave him(he wants to take our child hunting at 5yrs old and teach it to fist fight as soon as it can walk). But, is there any way I can move up north with my loving and supportive family without being the "bad guy"? I have no support system down there. I'm just so confused as to how to deal with all of this!

post #2 of 9
Obviously we don't know your whole situation, but what you described here sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. If you did not plan to stay with him before getting pregnant, and you're feeling terrible about the relationship now, how will it get better after the baby is born? You mention that you have a strong support system where you are now. If you are going to be the one to provide for this baby (as it sounds like you will be) then you will certainly need real support!

It is good for children to know both of their parents, and to give them the chance to make their own decisions about where or not they want someone in their life, but I don't think that means you need to be miserable for years trying to make a relationship work that you didn't want to continue in the first place. If I were in your shoes, I would break off the relationship and go where I had the most support. He should be allowed to see the baby and have a relationship with him or her, but he should have to make the effort to do so and not expect you to make it easy (as in you have to live near him in Louisianna).

I sincerely hope you can find a safe resolution so that you can feel calm, happy, and confident about having this baby! You sound like a strong woman, and you deserve to be happy. It'll be better for you and for your baby if you feel like you're in a safe place where you are loved and supported, so do whatever you have to to get to that place!
post #3 of 9
Thread Starter 

I am starting to figure out how to get my stuff back up here. I will be going down there since I have my first appointment in a couple weeks. I want to let him be there. And, my family is giving him the option of coming up here to get his life together. It's so hard to make these decisions. I second guess myself constantly. But, I know I'm doing what's best for the baby. And, that's all that counts, right?

post #4 of 9

Sounds like you have some really tough decisions to make, but I truly hope everything works out for you in the end. 

post #5 of 9

I was "the bad guy" when i left my eldest's father.  He wasn't quite where your baby's father is with the controlling/giult tripping, but we lived together so he didn't need to be.


I left.  I was the bad guy, i even fell in love with someone else!  But 6 years later things are great.  XP is over all the time and sees DD 4 days out of 7, my younger kid, (by the guy i fell in love with, the sweetest most wonderful guy there is, it's his second baby i'm expecting in January) loves him too, and he is very much a part of a healthy family we have created.  That would NEVER had happened if i'd stayed there and sent out the message that i was ok to be treated that way, or raised my DD to think it was ok for men to treat HER that way.


I am proud that i was willing to be the bad guy, it all worked out good in the end.


Best of luck to you. x

post #6 of 9

To me, I would be the bad guy, move to where your support system is and rock being a single mama with your loving family around you. No one should be allowed to treat you in that way. Also, if you stay, you are inadvertently teaching a daughter to put up with being treated that way and teaching a son that's how to treat a SO. Neither are cool in my book. 

I would do some serious soul searching. It will be difficult, but something wonderful will come out of it. I've been in my fair share of un-healthy relationships and they are depleting. Are you seeking counseling? That may be a good way to get some new perspective and to help sort out why you are on the fence with leaving or staying.

Best of luck!

post #7 of 9

He might be a fine guy, he might not be.  (It doesn't SOUND like he's wonderful... but maybe he's just immature?)  But even if he was the most stellar person ever.  It doesn't matter.  You're not happy with him.  You have permission to move on.  It sounds like you're heading down that path anyway and are hesitating because of, I dunno, guilt?  Obligation?  You're not married to this guy, you don't seem to be super compatible, your support system is elsewhere.  Go now before the baby is born, or else it might be harder for you to move afterwards.

post #8 of 9
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the support. It's been so stressful to try and figure out what the "right thing" really is. But, I have decided to go down and get my stuff. I'll have my appointment with him there. And, he will have the option to come up here and get help dealing with his issues. He's never had a supportive family. I'm hoping he takes the opportunity to better his situation. And, get some support as well. I don't think our relationship will last. But, I always want the best for the people in my life. In this case, I want him to be able to be a part of his child's life. With his current issues I can't trust him with our child. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Only a week and 1/2 and I will be down there to really confront the situation. Giving him small pushes here and there though. Telling him where to find a lot of job postings in his field for this area. And, bringing up the supportive family aspect. I am so fortunate to have loving, and giving family. I wish everybody could have a family like mine! So, let's hope this is the "right thing" for my child!

post #9 of 9

I think it will be. What's best for you, is oftentimes what is best for your child. When you are well centered and supportive you can do the same thing for your child. It makes all the difference in the world. Best of luck and keep us posted! hug.gif

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