I hate public school but am afraid of homeschooling! Please help :)

[sesa70]

My middle girl is in 1st grade this year, and it is her first year at our local public school. Its a 'good' school by test scores/great school reviews but it is a public school nonetheless.

The first day my daughter was pushed around by a bigger kid on the playground. That aside, she loved her first day. Her second day she came home telling me school was boring and all they talked about was rules rules rules. ALL DAY LONG. She said "mom the just kept talking about the rules... they are trying to rule me!" if only she knew how true a statement that was. They send home this rule packet, and it felt so punative and negative. It wasn't welcome to our school it was here is 5 pages of our rules. Be quiet. Ask permission. Wait your turn, etc. The kicker for me is I must sign a form stating that I have read their discipline policy which states that 1st and 2nd graders can get half hour detention! I absolutely don't agree with this. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that they have to follow (stupid) rules without question. I want my children to be critical thinkers. I hate the institution of public school, always have.

My background is that I was the 'problem child' in school as a kid. I did poorly, had little parental involvement, and thought my entire life I just was not smart or that I was a step above stupid. It wasn't until I was in college and a math teacher handed me a recommendation to the honors college that I started to wonder.... turns out what public school taught me was that I was stupid because I didn't follow the rules. NOT what i want for my little girl :(

She attended a montessori school for preschool and K. We all LOVED it. She had the best teacher ever, and the environment was amazing. She learned so much! Unfortunately we can't afford to send her to to montessori beyond that. My daughter is bright (I would not say gifted but definately loves learning and picks things up very quickly) and her 1st grade class is doing things she knew going in to preK. She loves to read and they are working on letter sounds. She knows SO MUCH about the solar system because she loves it so much and they are going to talk about the moon. It seems that everything is just a very watered down version of what she already knows. Socially, there is a group of 'popular' moms that hang out before and after school, and it seems that if your not one of them, your kids don't have many friends.

Anyway, I hate the public school concept. I haven't been able to sleep much since she started, and I worry about her all day. I don't want the school to change her, she is a pretty amazing little person. However, I am far from perfect. I am not very patient. I have a hard time sitting still for very long (I probably have adhd) and I am not a good teacher. I have an exceptionally high needs toddler at home. I don't think I would be a good homeschool mom, and I worry that keeping her home would be just as bad as sending her to school. I don't know what to do, and I am feeling desperate.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by sesa70 Anyway, I hate the public school concept. I haven't been able to sleep much since she started, and I worry about her all day. I don't want the school to change her, she is a pretty amazing little person. However, I am far from perfect. I am not very patient. I have a hard time sitting still for very long (I probably have adhd) and I am not a good teacher. I have an exceptionally high needs toddler at home. I don't think I would be a good homeschool mom, and I worry that keeping her home would be just as bad as sending her to school. I don't know what to do, and I am feeling desperate.

I think you should give homeschooling a try. It sounds like it would be a good fit for your dd. You can change your mind later if it doesn't work out but you won't know unless you try.

The thing about homeschooling is that you don't have to be perfect or know everything in advance to help your child learn.

You don't have to sit still for hours.

You have already taught your dd a lot or at least helped her learn.

Your kids won't always be the ages they are.

You don't even have to spend every second with your child.

Find out the homeschool laws for where you live. Make a pro and con list for each choice. See if there are homeschool groups in your area.

You can buy packaged curriculum or look at online virtual schools- Time4Learning, Oak Meadow, or K12 for example- if you don't feel very confident. Ask for curriculum recommendations.

I don't have the energy or patience to deal with all the stuff that goes along with sending your child to school.

I don't think of myself as a teacher... more a guide. I think I have become more patient but I don't know that I am more patient than other parents. I don't mind being around my dd. We occasionally have very difficult days but I'm still glad we are homeschooling.

I think flexibility and a love of learning are more important qualities than patience or what kind of grades you actually got in school.

We homeschool year round. We take a day off whenever we feel like it. I let dd choose the order that we will do things during the day. We do 1 or 2 things at a time (20 minute sessions) and then take a break. We go at dd's pace. Dd gives input on what she would like to study. If something isn't working we find something else to use.

[pek64]

Your choices seem to be :

1. Send her to school, as it is. There you have the worry of how she will be changed.

2. Do what you can to change the school. Refuse to sign a punishment authorization you disagree with. Talk to the teacher and principal about the detention policy. Be vocal.

3. Homeschool. Granted the high need toddler will add a challenge, but just include said toddler. I'm sure there are plenty of homeschoolers who can give suggestions for that.

What about older children in your family?

[Daffodil]

Are you more worried that she wouldn't learn enough if you were homeschooling her, or that it would be too hard on you (or on both of you) to have her around the house all day?  She won't be learning much at school in first grade.  If she already knows how to read well, she's mastered the most important part of the first grade curriculum.  Does she have a good understanding of addition and subtraction?  Does she know how to print all the uppercase and lowercase letters and is she able to write a sentence or two (using invented spelling?)  If so, you could keep her home this year and do absolutely no intentional teaching and she'd probably be just as prepared for second grade as her classmates who stayed in school.  If she does need to learn more about adding numbers or writing, the amount of time you'd have to spend teaching her what she'd be learning in school would be really minimal.  (And it's entirely possible that she'd learn those things even without deliberate instruction.)  Maybe you could use this year as a test year, to see how well the two of you get along if she's home all day, find out how much time and patience you have for working with her, see what she ends up learning on her own, and see how well it works if you try to teach her something.  By the end of the year, you should have a much better idea whether it's something that would work long term, and even if it doesn't work out very well, it's not likely to do her any harm.

[sesa70]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies.

I have many worries about keeping her home, mostly that I won't do her justice, meaning, I won't be what she needs me to be. I am not good at making sure things get done, and I worry that I will just let too much go in terms of her learning and education.

She does read and write. Reading better than writing, though she can write some notes and very short stories.  She does addition and subtraction fine, and has a beginning understanding of multiplication.

More important than her academic learning to me at this piont is preserving her essential character, allowing her to continue being the genuine sweet and amazing person she is.

My husband shares my worry and concern about public school and the punishment aspects of it that make me most uncomfortable. He is not opposed to homeschooling but not as in favor as I am at this point.

What we have been talking about so far is keeping her in for a few months. I don't want to act impulsively even though all my intuition is screaming at me that this isn't right. We decided to see how it goes and how she settles and re-evaluate in a few months around Nov/Dec. If I still feel this way and her experience isn't vastly improved, we'll very seriously discuss pulling her out and trying to homeschool.

In the meantime I have sent a message to the teacher mentioning I have many concerns about the discipline proceedures and specifically detention, and I cannot sign the consent form. She said she does not ever give detention but as it is a schoolwide proceedure she will pass my email on to the principal. Its not just the detention issue, its everything from not being allowed to drop off forgotten items (lunch, glasses, anything!) to a daily report on behavior I have to sign every night. it just makes me feel gross.

[sesa70]

also, is the transition from public school to homeschool something you discuss in detail with your child? I asked her if she wanted to leave school and work at home with me, and she said no, but i think its because she has no concept of what it would be like. Is this something we discuss with her before making the decision or something we as parents make the decision about and then talk to her about?

Edited by sesa70 - 8/25/12 at 3:57pm

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by sesa70 

also, is the transition from public school to homeschool something you discuss in detail with your child? I asked her if she wanted to leave school and work at home with me, and she said no, but i think its because she has no concept of what it would be like. Is this something we discuss with her before making the decision or something we as parents make the decision about and then talk to her about?

My dd has always been homeschooled but when she was that age we made the decision about school for her. I would probably explain why we were going to try something different but I wouldn't ask her to make the decision at that age.

[AAK]

Originally Posted by sesa70 

also, is the transition from public school to homeschool something you discuss in detail with your child? I asked her if she wanted to leave school and work at home with me, and she said no, but i think its because she has no concept of what it would be like. Is this something we discuss with her before making the decision or something we as parents make the decision about and then talk to her about?

This varies from family to family.  Most kids who go to public school aren't even aware there is another option, much less given the choice.  If I would have been certain to hs from the beginning, I would probably just decide for our children at that age.  However, my kids all went to kindy. . . my oldest went to ps until mid 3rd grade.  Once dh and I decided to give hs a go, we did let her make the final choice.  DD2 went through mid 1st grade.  I should have pulled her earlier, but had some lame reasons for keeping her there.  She was "ready to homeschool" when we finally pulled her (earlier actually).  DD3 is (most likely) starting 1st grade at the local school in 2 weeks.  I say most likely because there is a particular teacher that I won't allow any of my children to have.  Our school has a very strict policy against "requests", but I have let them know how I feel.  I fully expected dd3 to choose to stay home, but she didn't.  I DO let my kids have a say because I have strong willed children and I find it works best to work with them in regards to education.  However, I do have the final say.  Sometimes we only get to hear the complaints and it is hard to accept that the good may outweigh the bad for that particular child.  But, like you, we live near a "good" school.

Good luck in your decision.  I did want to add though that hs a child without learning difficulties takes very little time for the early years.  With what your child already knows/does, I would just support her continuation of skill building.  Visit the library a lot and get her more books to read (fiction and nonfiction).  Take time to let her read to you. Take time to read to her.  Get her a journal and encourage her to write in it.  I do get a basic math workbook for that age and we do pages as we like, then we play with a clock (instead of workbook pages) to learn telling time, we use real coins for counting money, we measure things around the house, and we play loads of math games.  We use m&ms for beginning bar graphs, and read math stories from the library.  It doesn't need to be anything big--everyday life provides a 1st/2nd grader with plenty of opportunities to learn.

Amy

[heatherdeg]

THAT. is insane.

I think it's unfair to place the burden of that decision on your kid.  They're not able to make an educated/informed decision because they have no idea what homeschooling is.  I know your daughter--she's a social beast.  She's likely likening homeschooling to the time she spends at home with you in the summer, on weekends or during school break.  She really can't wrap her head around the idea of being without other kids.  I'm going to guess even you don't realize how much opportunity there is to be with other kids, too... kwim?  But you live in an area where the opportunities are plentiful.  And although you can't afford Montessori for her going forward, if you had a fraction of that tuition to spare, well, that just adds to the things you can do (but not necessary).

Also, you need to consider that children like her (bright and motivated) don't really need to be taught.  They need a facilitator.  You can do that.  And since she is clearly ahead of the local public school, you can relax a little and really find your footing without much concern.  It's an adjustment for sure.  You will spend quite a while finding what works for you guys (or maybe you won't!) but I think you should go with your gut.  Because the things you are describing aren't even common to the area.  The kids in my district didn't get that (although I'm now going to do a FB post to be sure I didn't miss something because they simply weren't outraged by it, which will take me aback)

You are extremely fortunate to be in an area where you have an abundance of people available to hand you local resources, etc. and become your support network in real life in addition to this board (which is awesome).  Honestly, if not for SO MUCH homeschool stuff available here, we probably would've attempted relocating back to the east coast.  True story.  :/

[pek64]

I think I see the problem with the moderation of the threads. "THAT is insane". Really. Is that an example of how not to attack? I know, you said "that" instead of "you", but seriously!

To the original poster :
Discussing it with your child is fine. Get her input and opinions. Ultimately, though, you have to do what you believe is best.

[Daffodil]

I think heatherdeg meant that the school's policies were insane.  (It startled me at first, too, since I didn't think anyone had said anything at all insane, but it seemed clear from the rest of the post that she was just shocked to hear what things are like at that school.)

[pek64]

Then I apologize. I'm sincerely sorry for jumping to the wrong conclusion. (I've been having a bad day, in general.)

[heatherdeg]

Oh wow... *I* am sorry!!!  Yes--I did mean the SCHOOL POLICY was insane--not the OP (who happens to be a friend IRL   )

I'm so very sorry.  I never imagined someone could take that statement as calling the OP insane but seeing that the OP posted some info after the original post I could see where someone might think that I was calling the info in her subsequent post about keeping the child in school a few months insane.  Totally NOT what I meant.  I apologize!!  

[iowaorganic]

I can see the point of the school- there needs to be standards for the kids- but you for sure can and should opt out.  I am homeschooling my first grader with 4 other little kids in the house- things here are crazy.  An hour to an hour and a half a day is what we do during the little ones nap time- so right after lunch.  I am very much an easy going parent and let my children free range as much as possible and this works extremely well for us.  I imagine it would work very well for you as well OP.  My daughter is extremely social as well and she is doing just fine at home.

[mkksmom]

I think that the school may have a lot of strict rules, but what will be more important to you dd is how her teacher handles things. I've done both HS and PS. In fact, I also experienced pulling my kid out mid-year. The thing I find is that my guard is up at first every year. I hate the teacher until I meet her and find out what she's about. I look for any little thing. I am prepared to hs her at any point. My dd is pretty shy, and she is much more social and happy when she is going to public school. I let her go to the preK in the public school. Pulled her from Kindy in at the end of Oct. (full day was too much for her, and her teacher left on maternity leave and the sub wasn't great). Then I put her back in for 1st and 2nd. They were both great. We haven't started 3rd yet, and I don't know the teacher, so of course I am anxious.

What I did was give it 2 months to see how we all adjusted, and then I pulled her. That way, I knew that I really gave her time to adjust, it wasn't happening, and the time was right to HS. Oh! And to convince her, we did 2 HS practice days. I remember collecting leaves with her and gluing them to a big huge graph on Columbus Day or some day off. Then we kept her home another day, and we went pumpkin picking and wrote a story about it together. After that, she was convinced.

[starling&diesel]

Originally Posted by sesa70 


I don't want to act impulsively even though all my intuition is screaming at me that this isn't right. We decided to see how it goes and how she settles and re-evaluate in a few months around Nov/Dec. If I still feel this way and her experience isn't vastly improved, we'll very seriously discuss pulling her out and trying to homeschool.

If you were my friend, I'd strongly suggest that you listen to your intuition. I think it's one of our best parental tools. I agree with PP who suggest that you try it out. I also agree with the PP who said that you could take her out and do nothing in terms of curriculum for awhile, being that she has the basics down pat already. Go for it! Connect with your local HS community and have some fun! Any Not Back To School Picnics in your area?

[LitMom]

It sounds like things have settled down for your family with school. You can always try homeschooling and go back to public school if it isn't working for you and your daughter. Keep in mind though that it often takes a little time "deschooling" or getting out of the routine of school and into the routine of homeschool. I imagine it's the same going from homeschooling to schooling, that it may take some transition time. 

[Choose2Reuse]

If you know that you're not a good teacher (rather than just having some qualms about whether you're qualified, or whatever), I would be very careful about pulling your daughter out of public school.  By "good teacher" I guess I mean fairly patient and good at explaining things and making even boring things interesting.  Because, face it, everybody has to learn some things that they find boring.

I went to public school all the way from first grade through college, and while at times it made me really mad (I'm remembering one particularly bad teacher), there were other times it was really really valuable, and I had some awesome teachers too.  I don't mean to offend any homeschoolers by saying this...but I do think the public school situation can be valuable, partly in terms of learning to "deal with stuff".  As adults we have to "deal with stuff" we don't particularly like a lot.  I think there's some value in being forced to learn things you find boring (at least at the beginning), say, and to do group projects with people you don't like.  I had college professors who deliberately made the best and worst students in their classes do projects together.  At the time I HATED it, but looking back it made good sense...you don't get to choose your coworkers, and all your employer really cares about is that you get the job done well, on time.  They don't want to hear you whining about how you don't get along and how your coworker slacks off.

That said, it definitely depends on the child and the specific teacher and school.  If you don't think your daughter is going to do well with the local school, even if you switch teachers or whatever, heck, take her out.  Just...if you know that you aren't a good teacher, especially with certain subjects, could you team up with another homeschooling mom?  Maybe you could teach some subjects, and she could teach other ones.  Maybe you could find some tutors through the local school or library.  Just don't let your daughter grow up hating math, or history, or whatever because you hate it.
 

[Lenore K.]

I have four children. The first three are now adults and have been public-schooled. My last daughter is 8 and has only been home-schooled. I have worked in early childhood education, my Mom was a teacher and I have had many teacher-friends. We all have questioned or doubted our abilities from time to time. There is no perfect teacher. Making mistakes is sometimes the best teacher at that moment. Children are very flexible and eager to learn. I watched my older three lose interest in learning as they got older. Most of their genuine learning happened on their own - before and after school. At that time I was told a lot of lies about home-schooling by school personnel and did not fully realize the option of home-schooling. Years later when my last was born, we made the decision to home-school her. We recently moved to a smaller town that is much more tolerant of home-schoolers and this has only increased our faith in ourselves to home-school. Will we always home-school? It really depends on the community and the school system we live in, evaluating what our options are and making the best choice for our family at the time.

We home-school year round. Take breaks as needed and move ahead when the learning moments are there. Taking advantage of learning moments is one thing public schools, just because of their structure, cannot do. I am grateful for this and witnessing those aha moments when my daughter just jumps in and immerses herself in a subject. If we take ten minutes, an hour or a whole day on certain topics it doesn't really matter to anyone else but it does to my daughter!

Good luck with your journey and realize there are many roads to any education!!!

[Kindermama]

That all said, I definitely would never agree to a half hour detention at school. If my kid ever did anything wrong enough to deserve it,then I would much rather get a phone call and pick up said child and guide said child on my own. i would insist on that. Don't let them disempower you! However, don't send a message to your child that rules are stupid. Children need to obey authority. Ultimately, you have that authority so speak up for your child if you feel the caregivers iin charge are unfair or disempowering you as a parent. Definitely give homeschooling a try if the school insists on having control!