How would you handle this? *maybe triggery?* - Page 2

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by Jennyanydots 

This will probably be an un popular answer, but I think for the sake of his mental health and his current and future attitude about sex, it might be best to minimize your reaction. I would not go to the police, but definitely would talk to the other parents and would talk to the school/camp about the lack of supervision.. I have two teenagers, and I would be very upset if this happened to either of them, too, but I feel like how you respond will make a powerful difference in how he processes this, for a long time to come. Though sexual play is normal for adolescents, it sounds like this was quite a bit more than simple flirting. These girls sound very aggressive, and they need to be talked to about their behavior, and they need to be taught some healthy boundaries. I just feel that responding too strongly might make things even worse for your son. You said that at first he was coerced but then began acting on his own- I imagine he has very mixed feelings about what happened and is very confused. Having to work that won't with a therapist (unless the already have an established relationship where your son feels safe) might be even more traumatic. He may just need some reassurance that all the feelings he has been having (negative and otherwise) are normal, and that his parents are addressing the situation with the girls' parents..

How is it going to negatively affect his mental health and attitude about sex to be told that NO means NO and that he does not deserve to be sexually assaulted??  I work for a sexual assault crisis centre and you would not believe how horribly negative of an affect it has on people - well into adulthood - to know that their assault was NOT taken seriously and that their parents didn't view it as serious enough to take the appropriate actions.  I swear, I feel like I am in the twilight zone reading this responses.  Again - would you say the same thing if it were a 13 year old girl and a 17 year old boy?  I highly doubt it.

[Jennyanydots]

Originally Posted by Heavenly 

How is it going to negatively affect his mental health and attitude about sex to be told that NO means NO and that he does not deserve to be sexually assaulted??  I work for a sexual assault crisis centre and you would not believe how horribly negative of an affect it has on people - well into adulthood - to know that their assault was NOT taken seriously and that their parents didn't view it as serious enough to take the appropriate actions.  I swear, I feel like I am in the twilight zone reading this responses.  Again - would you say the same thing if it were a 13 year old girl and a 17 year old boy?  I highly doubt it.

I was referring to getting police involved. And yep, I'd say the same thing, all things being equal, if genders were reversed. Having to recount his story over and over for multiple adults he doesnt know, IMO, could make an already painful experience even worse. Please don't be so rude and personal. The op asked for opinions and I offered mine.

[CarrieMF]

Originally Posted by Heavenly 

In response to the bolded - are you kidding me???  Overreacting?  What if this was a 13 (almost 14) year old girl and a 17 year old boy??  Just because the boy was the victim doesn't mean it is still not sexual assault and a crime.  According to the boy he said no.  No means no.  PERIOD.  I would go to the police.  Otherwise you are telling your son it is okay for him to be victimized because he is a boy.  I cannot believe people think that it is overreacting to go to the police! 

No I am not kidding you and I would feel the same if it was my own 13yo dd who was in this situation.  The stuff at the house is the only stuff that I would consider a possible assault, but based on what the op said even if she were to go to the police over that nothing would happen.  Calling CPS absolutely overreacting, what would cps possible do?  The stuff at the camp, sounds more consentual unless the girls dragged him into the showers on at minimum 3 separate times.  I would be all over the school on the lack of supervision.  That is where the op should go first and I am very curious as to their response over this.  

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF 

No I am not kidding you and I would feel the same if it was my own 13yo dd who was in this situation.  The stuff at the house is the only stuff that I would consider a possible assault, but based on what the op said even if she were to go to the police over that nothing would happen.  Calling CPS absolutely overreacting, what would cps possible do?  The stuff at the camp, sounds more consentual unless the girls dragged him into the showers on at minimum 3 separate times.  I would be all over the school on the lack of supervision.  That is where the op should go first and I am very curious as to their response over this.  

But dont you think that once someone has been assaulted by someone that they might just consent because they dont know what else to do? That's like saying, "well, I know your boyfriend raped you, but after he raped you you let him have sex with you over and over again, so it was totally consensual". It's pretty likely that the boy had NO IDEA how to say "no" after the stuff at the house had happened. Just because something isnt forceful, doesnt mean it's not assault.

And for the record, I'd totally call the police if my child were assaulted.

[incorrigible]

I just kind of need to vent and I figured this was an appropriate place for it. I called the school this morning and talked to the principal's secretary. She said she would have him call me back, so I'm going to be patient and hope he has a better attitude than she does. She was all ears until she asked for the names of the "older boys" involved. When I told her the older kids were girls, and the victims were boys, she was nothing but annoyed with me. She wouldn't even let me finish a sentence. She kept saying she's never even heard of this camping trip (it's annual and very well attended. There are pictures of previous trips on the facebook page for the high school portion of the school) and it isn't a school sponsored event (it was pushed for high schoolers on the school event system). All she wanted was off the phone. grrr....

In other news, ds has an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

I just kind of need to vent and I figured this was an appropriate place for it. I called the school this morning and talked to the principal's secretary. She said she would have him call me back, so I'm going to be patient and hope he has a better attitude than she does. She was all ears until she asked for the names of the "older boys" involved. When I told her the older kids were girls, and the victims were boys, she was nothing but annoyed with me. She wouldn't even let me finish a sentence. She kept saying she's never even heard of this camping trip (it's annual and very well attended. There are pictures of previous trips on the facebook page for the high school portion of the school) and it isn't a school sponsored event (it was pushed for high schoolers on the school event system). All she wanted was off the phone. grrr....

Keep pushing with the school.  That the school would accept this as OK is completely deplorable.  If the principal does not respond today, then write a letter.  Keep a copy for your files.  In fact, start keeping careful documentation over all of this.  Every phone call etc. should be documented in a notebook.  All names, dates, everything.  You may want or need this in the future.  If a written complaint doesn't get action within 24 hours of receipt, then move up the ladder.  A public school means there is a school district office/superintendent somewhere -- call him/her.  In necessary, write the school board.  The school should absolutely stop this behavior in its tracks.  For the sake of all the other children in the school, please pursue this until it has been stopped.

[incorrigible]

The same secretary called back a couple hours later with an entirely different attitude. I don't know if she just needed time to process the info, was set straight, or saw something telling in the girls' files. She expressed that she was very upset that this kind of thing could happen to ds and that the administration is going to discuss how to address the issue. She asked for more information about the event and kids involved, and took note of the measures we are requesting to insure our son's safety. I should expect a call tomorrow, once they've had a chance to look into just what measures they can implement and how it would work to do so. She didn't sound very tech savvy (for someone working for an online school. lol) and I think the administration is going to have to have a conference with tech support before they can formulate a plan. If the plan is something like "ds should not participate in anything and just pretend nothing happened" I will go to the district. I have high hopes though. It sounds as though they want to take appropriate actions, but just need to figure out how that works in this format. 

[AAK]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

The same secretary called back a couple hours later with an entirely different attitude. I don't know if she just needed time to process the info, was set straight, or saw something telling in the girls' files. She expressed that she was very upset that this kind of thing could happen to ds and that the administration is going to discuss how to address the issue. She asked for more information about the event and kids involved, and took note of the measures we are requesting to insure our son's safety. I should expect a call tomorrow, once they've had a chance to look into just what measures they can implement and how it would work to do so. She didn't sound very tech savvy (for someone working for an online school. lol) and I think the administration is going to have to have a conference with tech support before they can formulate a plan. If the plan is something like "ds should not participate in anything and just pretend nothing happened" I will go to the district. I have high hopes though. It sounds as though they want to take appropriate actions, but just need to figure out how that works in this format. 

I am glad her attitude shifted regardless of the reason.  Please keep us updated with how it is handled.  Thanks.

Amy

[zebra15]

I just saw this post.  OP- I want to send you and your family hugs.  I know how difficult the coming weeks can be.  Let me know if there is anything I can do via email for you guys!

I hope your kiddo's are doing ok and each day gets a little bit better!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

The same secretary called back a couple hours later with an entirely different attitude. I don't know if she just needed time to process the info, was set straight, or saw something telling in the girls' files.

I've been thinking about you. Our teachers and staff had a training (conducted by CPS) before school started this year on how to recognized signs of sexual abuse, what is mandated reporting, etc. The emphasis was on peer to peer sexual assault. The school secretary was one of the few people in the school who did not attend.

Please let us know how this unfolds and if you need ideas or support if you need to escalate.

[incorrigible]

I had a call from a vice principal. They are taking this very seriously. The other victim has been having severe behavior issues and no one knew why. The time frames all match up, and bits of seemingly pointless info these kids told ds about their lives - fill in the gaps for the school administration. They don't seem to have any inclination to blame the boys, or disbelieve ds. We requested the other boy be kept away from ds, too, because his attempts to find help were seriously amplifying the trauma for ds. (remember ds is 2yrs younger than the other victim. It started at the same age, but has been going on for years now for him.) They switched all the kids schedules around so that no one (the girls or other victim) has any classes, advisers (there are group interactions in the advisory program), or homeroom teachers in common with ds. They are going to contact the parents of the other victim and let them know what's going on, and offer services to the family. From what I gather, all 3 are discipline problems that toe the line of being expelled every year (which is not easy to do in an online school). The staff is now seeing the other victim's behaviors as a cry for help though, and I could audibly hear the realization of why he does whatever he does - in her voice. The school's entire attitude and plan of action in dealing with him has had a very sharp change.

They assigned ds a male homeroom teacher and adviser because they want to make sure he feels comfortable talking to them about anything that might come up. Ds's adviser will call him within the next couple days to get to know each other (establishing trust), and is planning to check in with him monthly. 

The event was organized by a parent volunteer and they have suspended their entire parent volunteer program pending review. Their thought is that if something this severe could happen, who knows what else is going on and not being reported to and/or noticed by the adults. All activities are being planned and overseen entirely by staff members until they decide what action to take, and none of the volunteers retain any kind of special privalages for now. I kind of had the impression that the volunteer program is something of a thorn in the sides of the administration, though, and this may be the last straw that gets it shut down. Only time will tell.

They don't have a blacklist feature in their system, so they can't keep these kids from using the internal email to contact ds unless they completely shut down his or their ability to communicate with anyone (even teachers). They are going to issue a warning to all 3 (the girls and other victim), and if any of them or their parents attempt any kind of contact with ds, their ability to communicate at all within the school program will be suspended for the remainder of the school year. 

The vice principal expressed that she is hoping to have the girls banned from all real life events and activities, and plans to push for that action when the administration has a meeting to discuss the matter. She sees them as a threat to the general population of the school. Not everyone is back from summer vacation yet, though, so it may be into the first week of school before that comes up. In the mean time, they've given me the user IDs for all the students and parents so I can check the RSVP lists and be sure not to sign ds up for anything they are already doing. 

ETA: Somewhere in this thread, someone asked why I wasn't jumping to call the cops or otherwise report this. Ds having to talk about it was a part of that, but my biggest concern was that he wouldn't be believed and when the dust settled we would be dealing with accusations of him trying to force himself on the girls. I expect that when confronted they will either claim he is making everything up, or that they weren't willing participants. With the age difference, they wouldn't be protecting themselves to say everything was 100% consensual. The law in this state is very clear that ds is incapable of giving consent to someone 16+. The vice principal really set my mind at ease as far as both concerns. 

[Linda on the move]

It sounds like the school is responding as well as possible.

Thank goodness you told the school. Now the other victim will also get help, and the girls will stopped from doing this to other students, and hopefully receive help themselves. They are sexual predators -- the fact that the are female doesn't make it OK.

I'm really surprised that a school would allow parent volunteers to take kids on an overnight trip.

[flightgoddess]

I WOULD go to the police! If your child was a girl and the older girls were boys, you would go to the police, yes? Why not the other way around?

[incorrigible]

Linda, as the vice principal explained things to me - the parent volunteers are supposed to get trips approved by the school first, and are supposed to arrange for a teacher or other staff member to accompany. Basically, they do the planning and paperwork and function as moderators on the message boards where trips are discussed. Unapproved trips are not supposed to be discussed on the boards. They can say "I'm putting together a trip to such n such. Contact me off list if you want more info" but not share details about the trip or have signups within the school site. Something like half the parent volunteers in the state had to knowingly violate the terms of their position for this trip to have happened the way it did. It was all over the boards. The 3 that organized this event never even passed it by the school (the school won't approve over-night events). They didn't have staff supervision. They advertised it as a fully supervised school event. AND it's an annual thing. I've seen pics from the last 2 summers. So, they've had to work and conspire to slip this past the school administration for at least 3 years. After getting all the info, suspending the volunteer program doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

flight goddess, I made reports with cps and the police (the reports get shared, so if you do one you do the other). Neither is investigating. They both told me to try reporting it to the school. If the older girl does or says anything to my son after she turns 18, they are willing to revisit the case.

[4evermom]

I'm so glad the school is taking this seriously.

I feel like, in the effort to raise strong women, some parents of girls allow, encourage, and even celebrate their daughters being aggressive. It is much more socially acceptable for girls to wear anti-boy t-shirts, for instance, "girl's rule and boys drool." I've heard women talking about how they raise their daughters to believe the future fathers of their children are not important, thinking they are teaching their daughters to be independent. This pervasive devaluing of boys in our society concerns me.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

flight goddess, I made reports with cps and the police (the reports get shared, so if you do one you do the other). Neither is investigating. They both told me to try reporting it to the school. If the older girl does or says anything to my son after she turns 18, they are willing to revisit the case.

Did they say that no crime occurred?  

[incorrigible]

No, just that they won't be assigning anyone or investigating. The short version is that they are understaffed and there is no proof or immediate danger to my son. It isn't a priority. CPS expressed concern and said they'd let me know if a worker is assigned but not to expect it. The police acted like I was wasting their time, basically. They just kind of patiently took down info and told me to let them know if there are any developments. 

I still have hopes for the school, though. Ds's adviser called today to get to know him a bit. He suggested checking in with ds every 2 weeks for now, instead of monthly. This phone call was just a get to know you. Next time, he's going to talk a bit about what happened, what can be done to make sure ds is safe, and what kind of support he may want or need. 

[rubidoux]

That's a pretty weird attitude to take.  I think most people reporting crimes are no longer in danger when they make the report.  

[HappyHappyMommy]

incorrigible, I am very sorry to hear that your son was sexually assaulted. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. It sounds like you have already gotten some support from the church in your community and that the school is working to be responsive. I wanted to mention this hotline which offers support via phone or online in case you or your DH or your DS want to talk to someone anonymously. There's a bunch of info on their website and I thought the information on male survivors of sexual assault and about how to support a loved one who has been assaulted might be of help to you during this time. Lots of support to you and your family!
 

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

FWIW, I think you are doing the absolute right things.

So do I. I am so sorry this happened to your son.