How would you handle this? *maybe triggery?* - Page 3

[incorrigible]

Thanks for all the good thoughts and tips about resources.

The Principal called today. He wanted to let me know that they are taking things seriously and taking action. To start with, they are basically redesigning the message board system and the process for planning and discussing field trips. There will be a board for parents to plan their own activities and things, but it will be clearly labeled as "non-sanctioned". The official school activities board will be overseen by staff, and only staff will be able to plan or post new events. They are still deciding what to do about these girls attending literally every activity in our area. I don't know how they even have time for their lessons. I think the school was hoping they wouldn't really have to worry about doing anything, like maybe they wouldn't attend many events. They are like the first ones to sign up for everything. He implied they have some concerns about the girls farming victims at the activities. =/ I don't think I'll really be kept in the loop on how they handle that, though. It goes a bit out of the range of what's my business, you know? He also wanted to make sure ds was comfortable with the counselor assigned, and that I was satisfied with the counselor's plan. 

I'm a bit cranky about having to deal with any of this. Ds is super angry all the time and really withdrawn. He starts with the therapist tomorrow, and it's not a moment too soon. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

I'm a bit cranky about having to deal with any of this. Ds is super angry all the time and really withdrawn. He starts with the therapist tomorrow, and it's not a moment too soon. 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can understand why you are cranky.  I hope that therapist appoints go well.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 
I'm a bit cranky about having to deal with any of this. Ds is super angry all the time and really withdrawn. He starts with the therapist tomorrow, and it's not a moment too soon. 

Sending support to you and your family. I hope the therapist appointment tomorrow goes well.

[pigpokey]

I don't understand  -- can a 17 year old grope a 13 year old in any state in the US and not be committing a serious crime?  That's child molestation.  They don't need any more "proof" than his testimony and I bet they have plenty of other proof once the subpoena text records and emails; I suspect these teens are not exactly bright criminals.  I would request a meeting with the DA's office.

Those are my immediate thoughts.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 


When any person is sexually assaulted, calling the police is the appropriate thing to do. The OPer's son was sexually assaulted repeatedly.

Also, the police and the school board need to know if there is a pattern of lack of supervision at the school that makes it unsafe for students. Students have a right to be safe at school (and all school events). This is a matter of public trust, both at public schools and at private schools. This is a police matter.

The school is required by law to report this, but because they ALLOW this pattern to continue, I wouldn't trust them to do so.

Incorrigible, I'm so sorry for what your son has been and for what your family is going through right now. I think you and your DH are handling a very difficult situation as well as possible.

This is a rational, reasonable response.

[rightkindofme]

Now that I have finished the thread: you are a rock star good mom. I think you are awesome and wonderful and your kid is lucky to have you.

The little you say here makes me think the girls should be talked to. More than likely they have experienced assault. I'm not going to apologize for it right now for a variety of issues, but I was probably a similar predator. I was severely sexually assaulted from toddlerhood. I did a lot of being aggressive sexually with not quite willing people.

I'm very sorry your son was put in this position. I have tracked down as many of the people I hurt as I could. Sometimes damaged people have a hard time learning how to not hurt people. Can you push the school to put the girls in some kind of counseling? It should be part of the restorative justice process in my opinion. Otherwise they will just keep doing it.

Not that you need to be responsible. You are taking care of your son and you are wonderful for doing so. I would have given anything to be believed the way you are backing up your son.

[HappyHappyMommy]

OP, how are you doing? I'm thinking of you, your DH, and your DS and sending support.
 

[loveandgarbage]

Just saw this and wanted to send my support. OP you are doing everything right. I hope therapy goes well for your son and that you can all process in a healthy manner. It doesn't surprise me one bit that the cops/CPS don't seem that concerned (especially because a younger male is the victim) but am very glad the school is taking the situation as seriously as it should be.

I had the same thought as rightkindofme, re: the girls and their sexual history. I was abused by an older girl when I was a kid and she was play-acting behavior/abuse from her father and an older brother. But I agree that it's not your issue, and not your place, I just hope that these girls get help as well for their own good as well as possible future victims.

[incorrigible]

oh grrr....I have to throw a fit tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not even sure what position to take yet, but I definitely have to take one. You have to rsvp for the school open house because they serve lunch and give out t shirts and things and need at least a rough idea of how many people to prepare for. So, we signed up the first day the rsvp was up. The families of both girls signed up today. I haven't heard anything from the school about actions being taken to insure student safety in any situation, yet, and have been trying to give them a little leeway since it's the first couple weeks of school. Leeway is gone. We are already having to drive 2 hours away instead of attending our local field trips so my kids aren't in any danger from these people (who ARE still attending local field trips, it turns out). On Friday, the school counselor was actually trying to talk my son into attending local events that they're at like it was just some kids he found annoying or something! I'll be on the phone with the head of counseling tomorrow. She was the one that said she would push for the girls to be suspended from in person events. It's time she start pushing, and I intended to give her whatever incentive it takes.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

For the lunch thing, or any local events, can you go along?  Seems like that is the only way that your son will be able to attend for a bit and be/feel safe.  I agree that the girls shouldn't be there at all, but as a short-term solution?  Seems like the school should at least allow this.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

oh grrr....I have to throw a fit tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it.

How did it go when you spoke with the school today? I am so sorry that the school hasn't done more and, in particular, the counselor isn't getting it. Your DS and many other students are lucky that you are advocating for all of the students' safety.

[incorrigible]

ok...yesterday I got an "out of office" voice mail and left a message asking for an update. The head of counseling called me this morning and I'm only barely calm enough to write about it now. Basically, the school is taking the stance that unless I can definitively proved that Crash is telling the truth with some kind of physical evidence (like video), there's no reason to think he is. They have no intention of informing the other victim's family or the predators (even after acknowledging that they are most likely acting out because they have experienced abuse). The predators are actively attending events designed for younger students, even though they don't have younger siblings in the correct age range - and the school says they are welcome to continue. They have signed up for events we are taking Crash to, after they see we've signed up. The school suggests that if we don't want to put him at risk, we shouldn't attend any activities or events. 

I told her we would be attending whatever events we felt like, including the big open house event they are certain to attend. I told her that if those girls or their families attend, I plan to call the police in the middle of the event and make sure EVERYONE there knows exactly what is going on and how the school has chosen to handle it. I also told her that if the school continues to put the student body at risk by allowing known predators to attend events, I'd go to both the school board and the press. 

Honestly, I expect to have to follow through on all counts and I'm beyond PO'd! My kids are really loving and thriving in this program in ways they never have anywhere else. We could theoretically move them over to the "private school" version that's run by the company that produces it (and is only affiliated with the public school version the way two schools using the same math books are).....you know...if we had an extra $11k per year to throw down as tuition. 

There are larger implications of the school's policies, too. How many other known predators of various types are being allowed to victimize the students of this school? Honestly, I don't even feel safe letting Spritely chat with the other 6th graders. If the victims are marginalized and discouraged from being active in the school....and the predators are encouraged to maximize their activity...the students seeking out friendships are more likely to be the children of predators, or have some kind of foul intentions themselves. =/ 

Beast left a message for the principal, too. It was later in the day, so we'll give him till tomorrow afternoon to call back and tell us they are changing their tune. Otherwise, I'm going on the warpath and making calls to anyone I think might have any obligation or interest. 

[Linda on the move]

Take it to the school board with the names of the people you have spoken to and the dates. Speak you piece out out loud - do not allow some one to take this to the board for you.

[HappyHappyMommy]

incorrigible, it's distressing to hear that the school is not taking this seriously. Your DS and your entire community is lucky that you are not keeping quiet about this. You may want to call the local rape crisis center in your area; some rape crisis center have advocates that can assist you with reporting and other matters.

Sending support to you and your family.
 

[incorrigible]

Holy cow, did they manage to shock me in new and disturbing ways!The principal called dh later in the afternoon/evening. He claimed ignorance of pretty much everything, even the things he'd said to me himself. He tried to sweet talk, then strong arm dh into keeping quiet. He "threatened" to notify the victim's family and the girls' families like they promised to in our initial round of talks. I don't understand why this was a threat, but he was pissed when dh chewed him out for not having done so already...and changed his tune again. I don't think they're notifying them. =/ He basically said that he controls our kids files and it's going to look like they're both some kind of sexual deviants/aggressors if we don't just shut up and go away. It was too late for me to get ahold of anyone, but we're going to have to get ahold of the company that handles the enrollments and pull both kids out immediately. We most certainly won't be shutting up, though! I need to carve out the time this week to sit down and get all the dates and names and facts written down in an organized fashion. If some kind of miracle attitude change hasn't happened by the beginning of next week, I'll get ahold of the school board and maybe the press. I'm going to call all the kids' teachers and friends they've made, as soon as we have them unenrolled, too, and get the info moving within the school. I'm so crazy angry that the administration has taken this position. My kids are totally loving this system, and I'm furious to find this level of corruption in it. 

As kizmit would have it, dh was also called by 2 (count em 2) prospective employers in the area we want to move, today. Both will pay for the certs he needs, and he's highly qualified for either. One is as a guard at the county jail, and is part of an uber long interview process...he's made it to the next round, but they will be narrowing people down until late Dec. most likely. The other was as a 911 dispatcher/part time relief fireman. The town is so small the dispatcher has to be licensed to jump in the spare truck if there is more than 1 call at a time!!! lol He has an in person interview for that tomorrow. They basically said if it goes well, he'll walk away with an offer...and suggested bringing the family to town so we can "kill 2 birds with 1 stone" and house hunt after he knows he's got it. We're doing just that.

My head is spinning. There is just too much going on at the same time! 

[mtiger]

I really would find a different educational track for your son. And, as I assume this is not a free school to attend - I would call the BBB.

[harrietsmama]

In my state, whether the acts were consensual  or not, the 17 year old girl would be committing a crime.  I strongly feel this boy needs to be taken seriously as having been assaulted.  I can't imagine minimizing just because he felt like he went along with it.  what is he going to do when he has 2 people pushing on him?  I have been in those situations and it is horrifically confusing!!! No means no!  I didn't read the last 2 pages of responses, I got too upset.
 

[HappyHappyMommy]

OP, I've been thinking of you. How are you and your family doing?
 

[incorrigible]

We're doing well enough. Ds is still working through some things, but he seems to have himself together pretty well. He's in a different school, and dd is back to homeschooling. 

The superintendent and school board both say the school isn't responsible for the students, even at fully sanctioned school events. So long as they disable the email rights of any student or parent regularly using their system to harass anyone else in their system - they've fulfilled their responsibility. End of story. Anything beyond that is the responsibility of the parent. Since parents are always able to go with on school trips (can even buy into the 12 day international trip for $5k-6k per adult), the parents are 100% responsible for anything that happens to their student - even at events that parents are highly discouraged from attending. The official stance is that the school should not get involved by notifying involved parties, taking disciplinary action of any kind, or notifying the student body that there is an ongoing issues with sexual assaults by students and of students at both sanctioned and "unsanctioned" school events. Doing so might alarm parents and cause a decrease in enrollment. The attitude is that a decrease in enrollment would be catastrophic, where sexually assaulted students is a shame and all but not that big a deal. 

[Linda on the move]

Did they put any of this in writing? Have you considered suing?
 

It's hard for me to believe the schools actions are legal.

I'm sorry for what your family, especially you son, have been through this year, and I hope things go well for both of you kids in their new educational situations.