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Edited by AllisonKaty - 11/7/12 at 1:06pm
post #2 of 8

Hello and welcome to MDC! I don't have much to add about the blended family issues you're having. What I can recommend is the Gentle Discipline forum here at MDC for tips on how to help your DSD improve her behavior and attitude. I hope you get all the support you need here!

 

greet.gif

post #3 of 8

Hey there, AllisonKaty. 

 

I'm really sorry to hear about the step-parenting issues you're having with your stepdaughter and partner. I'm a step-mom myself, and of all the roles I've had in my life, it easily takes the cake as the most throw-up-your-hands frustrating one I've ever been in. 

 

I want to validate your feelings that you don't want to be around your step-daughter. Believe me, I know what that feels like--but it is augmented by the thoughts that accompany it ("Why would I dislike a child, that's awful! Does that make me a bad mother to my own child? Am I a monster for feeling this way?") Please be assured that you are not evil, bad, mean or anything else for feeling that you don't want to be around your step-daughter right now. Because guess what? Children are people, and people can hurt our feelings, and when we don't have a solid bond with those people yet, it's really freaking hard to get over. Think about it: if you had a roommate who backtalked you, questioned every single thing you told her, refused to clean up after herself and made you feel unwelcome in your own home, would you want to spend much time with that person? 

 

It really sucks that I don't have any advice, because that would mean that I've got a better handle on my own situation...headscratch.gif  All I can say is that you are not alone, and you are not a bad person for being frustrated.

 

Hugs from Atlanta.

post #4 of 8

I so know your pain! When I first met my step daughter she was WILD, out of control. She always was the lady of the house..But her Dad, my husband was not in the home. She lived with Grandpa, Grandma(grandma had dementia&other issues) and dad's brother, her uncle(who was hit by a car when he was 3 so he basically acts like a child). Grandpa made her the star, she was allowed say so over grandma+uncle. She stayed with grandma and uncle when grandpa was at work. If she didn't get her way she beat grandma, literally. She kicked her chest over and over because she couldn't go skating. Grandpa made no stand with her behavior but bought her and laughed with her when she would dis respect grandma and uncle. Her clothes, even when washed were filthy. She had head lice for 3 years, etc. I am pretty sure you can tell what kind of home she had. I am trying to sum up what her life was like before I came into it.

    I immediately took care of head lice and hygiene problems. I whooped her all the time... I know that sounds mean or cruel, but it wasn't. When she would argue with grandma or kick or hit grandma, I walked her to her bedroom and spanked her but first I explained to her how it was wrong to treat grandma that way and showed her examples of a more appropriate way to speak and behave. I reassured how much I loved and cared for her afterwards. I was the mean step monster for the longest. But I felt we took the right approach. Seemed like everyday for the first 2 weeks she had a whoopin every day. :( I didn't like to do it but it straightened her up and she respects me. Her dad made it very clear who I was and how I was here to help and be apart of the family. He reassured her of his love for her, too. 

   I hope that you can stay together and work it out. The sky is clearer on the other side of the storm. If it was easy then it wouldn't be worth it, that is what I tell myself.  

 

 

Although, the reason I joined this Mothering.com group was to figure out the issues we are dealing with now, because now she is 12 and its been 3 years since we had to focus on and re-enforce appropriate behavior in her. She can be so manipulative and I cannot stand it. I also, have not wanted to come home because she is here. It breaks my heart :(  I am comforted knowing that I am not the only one going through similar issues. I have felt a little jealous of her and that breaks my heart too. Because it just came up out the blue. I desperately want her to feel like she belongs with me and we are one big happy family because her bio passed away and she never really knew her. She needs me, ya know? We have 6 kids. 1 is mine from another relationship, 4 are his from other relationships and 1 3 yr old together.

 

 I hope you get it figured out and a thing of the past. Best wishes to you!


Edited by FunMom1Unity - 9/13/12 at 3:17pm
post #5 of 8

Wow, lots of new members struggling with step-children. Please know that Mothering.com is a wonderful resource for discipline without the use of physical punishment. While it may seem that spanking improves behavior temporarily, there are negative consequences on the long-term relationship - including sneaking around and etc. I really encourage all of you to post in GD for a wonderful, gentle resource for how to deal with behavioral problems. I also really encourage parents of step-children who are older than the children they have parented up until now to research the developmental stages of your step-children as well as some books on blending families. 

post #6 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by FunMom1Unity View Post

I so know your pain! When I first met my step daughter she was WILD, out of control. She always was the lady of the house..But her Dad, my husband was not in the home. She lived with Grandpa, Grandma(grandma had dementia&other issues) and dad's brother, her uncle(who was hit by a car when he was 3 so he basically acts like a child). Grandpa made her the star, she was allowed say so over grandma+uncle. She stayed with grandma and uncle when grandpa was at work. If she didn't get her way she beat grandma, literally. She kicked her chest over and over because she couldn't go skating. Grandpa made no stand with her behavior but bought her and laughed with her when she would dis respect grandma and uncle. Her clothes, even when washed were filthy. She had head lice for 3 years, etc. I am pretty sure you can tell what kind of home she had. I am trying to sum up what her life was like before I came into it.

    I immediately took care of head lice and hygiene problems. I whooped her all the time... I know that sounds mean or cruel, but it wasn't. When she would argue with grandma or kick or hit grandma, I walked her to her bedroom and spanked her but first I explained to her how it was wrong to treat grandma that way and showed her examples of a more appropriate way to speak and behave. I reassured how much I loved and cared for her afterwards. I was the mean step monster for the longest. But I felt we took the right approach. Seemed like everyday for the first 2 weeks she had a whoopin every day. :( I didn't like to do it but it straightened her up and she respects me. Her dad made it very clear who I was and how I was here to help and be apart of the family. He reassured her of his love for her, too. 

   I hope that you can stay together and work it out. The sky is clearer on the other side of the storm. If it was easy then it wouldn't be worth it, that is what I tell myself.  

 

 

Although, the reason I joined this Mothering.com group was to figure out the issues we are dealing with now, because now she is 12 and its been 3 years since we had to focus on and re-enforce appropriate behavior in her. She can be so manipulative and I cannot stand it. I also, have not wanted to come home because she is here. It breaks my heart :(  I am comforted knowing that I am not the only one going through similar issues. I have felt a little jealous of her and that breaks my heart too. Because it just came up out the blue. I desperately want her to feel like she belongs with me and we are one big happy family because her bio passed away and she never really knew her. She needs me, ya know? We have 6 kids. 1 is mine from another relationship, 4 are his from other relationships and 1 3 yr old together.

 

 I hope you get it figured out and a thing of the past. Best wishes to you!

Yikes...I am just going to give you a heads up that mothering does not, to my understanding, support physical punishment in any way and you will probably get some backlash from this. 

 

To me, hitting a child to teach her not to hit others doesn't make a lot of sense anyway....

post #7 of 8

Um, I second ( or third rather) checking out the GD forum. And I'd like to add that I'd be furious if I found out my dd's Step-mom was spanking her or whoppin( is that the same thing?!) her. Just saying.

post #8 of 8

I highly reccomend the book "Connection Parenting" by Pam Leo

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