Did it do that right?

[KellyandBean]

I just had my first ever real discipline moment with my 2.5 year old. Of course I've given minor consequences before but nothing major and it all worked out fine but i feel worried i did it wrong, this is all new for me! I feel guilty lol.

So DD just finished lunch (a sticky PB&J) and it is nearly nap time so we go to wash up as we always do after lunch. Well she says in a whiny voice (slept bad last night; overtired, up to early) "i don't want to wash my hands!!" and i explain that her hands are sticky and that we have to wash up because we can't touch everything with dirty hands. I try to get her up on the step stool but she goes spaghetti legs and wont stand up. While dangling there she says "i don't want to wash my hands i just want to go potty!" We just started potty training and she earns a jelly bean for success so she is determined to go pee and get another bean even though she just went. So i say ok well i will give you more time. I know good and well she is just stalling her nap. I go off and fold laundry for a bit and then next thing i know she is up walking around off the potty. I say "do you have to go pee? you need to sit down on the potty if you need to go potty" and she runs back to the pot. I give her more time and i say-ok enough is enough and it is time to wash up. I try to calm myself down and i look at her in the eyes and say "you can either wash your hands, or your dollies (barbies) will go bye bye on the top of the refidgerator for an hour" insert more whining about not wanting to wash her hands and then more explaining by me about how she wont be able to take her doll to rest time with her unless she washes her hands. She says the dollies can go bye-bye she doesn't want to wash her hands. So i say ok but i still need to wipe the sticky off and i get a cloth and wipe an she does NOT like this she is trying to rip her hands away from me. I just get it done fast and put on my happy face and put her down to nap per usual but without her doll. I think she whispered for it once but otherwise no big fan fare. She is still in there now singing to herself though i know she is exhausted from bad sleep. I know this wouldn't have happened if she wasn't so tired but is tired really a good excuse to allow her to behave badly?

Did i do this right? Is a toy time out appropriate in this scenario or should i have done something different?

[KellyandBean]

OH JEZ! now i feel so terrible! i went in to see if she is asleep and she is and she pooped :*( maybe she really was trying to tell me she had to go. UGH how was i supposed to know!. :( I feel like the biggest most confusing jerk in the whole world. I tell her to poop in the potty and then when she is trying to tell me she has to go i am flipping out about how she needs to wash her hands.

[~Adorkable~]

Don't beat yourself up, there was many things going on and you don't know what was what. You didn't engorge you, you gave her potty time. I think you handled it ok. I personally think its ok for there to be some things that are simply things that are don't, they are non negotionables, sticky hands feel like one of these. I takes a second and her choice could just be weather she wants her or you to do it. I'm in the camp that kids feel more secure when the always know what is expected of them and those things are consistent.

[transylvania_mom]

A "toy time out" is more of a punishment than a consequence.

But I agree with PP, don't beat yourself up. I'm sure she will give you plenty of opportunities to practice gentle discipline in the future.
 

[KellyandBean]

Originally Posted by transylvania_mom 

A "toy time out" is more of a punishment than a consequence.

But I agree with PP, don't beat yourself up. I'm sure she will give you plenty of opportunities to practice gentle discipline in the future.
 

Oh and there are! The same thing just happened after dinner ugh. So what do you think would be a good consequence in this situation? I am wracking my brain but can't think of anything...

[rnra]

Perhaps you could try changing the process for cleaning up.  A friend of mine was having similar issues with her 2 year old.  It was a fight to the bathroom the whole way.  So, one day she came up with another process.  She takes a medium-sized mixing bowl and fills it up with water and a few drops of soap.  She clears away the dishes and then gives her son the bowl of soapy water.  He washes his hands off by rubbing them in the water, and then she follows up with a wash cloth and towel after he washes them in the bowl.  She takes the water away before it becomes a huge splash-fest.  Sometimes re-structuring the process, even temporarily, can be change enough to make a difference.  I realize this doesn't help in the discipline department, but it's an idea to consider.

[~Adorkable~]

It seems to me like there is a fact: the sticky mess needs to be cleaned off her. And there is a choice for her to make. Is she going to do it or are you going to. If she doesn't like you too, then that is the encouragement for her to deside to do it herself.
The consequence of not making that good choice is that you do it and she is not fond of that.

I'm big on the consequence should be of the same thing as the behaviors. So in this circumstance it should all be about cleaning up and her being treated like a big girl.
Being a big girl comes with responsibility, if she does not step up to them, then she is treated like the age that she is acting.
I may be new to all this, but that spuds really fair and respectful to me, while allowing her all the chances to really do great for herself.

[Peony]

I offer choices. "Do you want to wash up in the bathroom sink or kitchen sink?" Choices give toddlers who really crave independence a voice, they can feel more in control. If I get a no, then another choice, "Do you want Mommy to help or do it yourself?". Another no is "You choose Mommy to help." And I wash the hands. Often they remember that next time. 

It can be hard to think of things in the heat of the moment! The consequence to refusing to wash hands in my house would be that I will help you do it. There are no other punishments or consequences. This isn't a life or death thing so I don't make any big deal out of it. 

[transylvania_mom]

A lot of great ideas! What I would do (depending on how patient I was at that particular time of the day) is either carry her to the sink and quickly wash her hands or just use a baby wipe if she's not that dirty. My dd also has a "Dora soap" that she likes and would wash her hands any chance she gets with her special soap.
 

There is no point of arguing with a 2 y/o.

[Snapdragon]

I wouldn't have a consequence at all. your dd didn't do anything wrong in my opinion. My 2.5 yr ld gets like that a lot too- and if I have to wash his face eventually I just pick him up or hold him down and get it done. he will scream about it but then it is done and we both move on and I don't make it an issue or about punishing or being obedient. I do think obedience is necessary in certain situations but in the one you described, I just think that I am stronger than my toddler for a reason so I pick him up, wash him up and get him ready for bed even if he protests the whole time!

[~Adorkable~]

snapdragon, isn't what you are describing is exactly what a "consequence" is?

[Snapdragon]

I realized after I wrote that post that I was writing it quickly without editing and not communicating too clearly- sorry- I have to re read it and reconsider what I Was saying-- ok what I meant was that when my 2 yr old is really tired and saying no and being bratty- I often don't wait until I can convince him to let me wipe his hand or face and get on his pjs- sometimes I just say, ok we are doing this now and do it even while he protests. Then it is done but I don't punish him for protesting. Does that make sense? if his protesting really bugs me I may use a stern voice and say- stop screaming ds! or whtever to try to manage it- but I don't take away something so he has to reflect on what he did wrong at this age. I just try to manage the bahaviour. sorry kind of vague today

[Snapdragon]

and I don't mean to imply that I am not patient with my son. I am and I do reason and discusss regularly- it is just that when he is tired and just acting out because he is not in full control, I don't punish that.

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by ~Adorkable~ 

It seems to me like there is a fact: the sticky mess needs to be cleaned off her. And there is a choice for her to make. Is she going to do it or are you going to. If she doesn't like you too, then that is the encouragement for her to deside to do it herself.
The consequence of not making that good choice is that you do it and she is not fond of that.
I'm big on the consequence should be of the same thing as the behaviors. So in this circumstance it should all be about cleaning up and her being treated like a big girl.
Being a big girl comes with responsibility, if she does not step up to them, then she is treated like the age that she is acting.
I may be new to all this, but that spuds really fair and respectful to me, while allowing her all the chances to really do great for herself.

Ditto on all of this.  So, the consequence would really have been you wiping her hands down with a cloth after she refused to wash her hands in the sink.  I think that's probably enough consequence at this age, because, really, the problem is just that you want her to have clean hands, not so much that you need her to comply. 

Using the potty to stall has been big for us lately, too, and I find it very complicated.  On the one hand, I want to make sure to respect her urges, and I realize that she's still learning her body; she might make a mistake and think she has to go when she doesn't.  On the other hand, sometimes (particularly in the car), I know she's just stalling.  I've been trying to stay very relaxed and no-nonsense about the whole thing.  We pull over the car, I tell her she has five minutes to try, and if nothing happens, we'll get back in the car and try again in ___ minutes.  So, I respect the fact that she needs to go, but I also get across that we're going to keep driving no matter what.  For my DD, #2 takes a looooong time.  Might be the case with your LO, too.  It's a tough issue, and I think you handled it as best you could.  You're both new at this, after all. 

[KellyandBean]

Thanks SO much everyone for the responses. We haven't had the issue again because i have been offering if she wants to wash her hands in the kitchen sink (not something she has ever done before) or the bathroom sink and apparently for the time being that is the ticket since the kitchen sink is now the coolest thing ever. If it becomes an issue again i think what Adorkable said about the consequence being my wiping down her hands is the right answer that i was looking for. She is really into the idea of being a big girl and not a baby so i can offer "do you want to wash your hands in the sink like a big girl, or should i wipe them like a baby" etc i'm sure this will work. Thanks so much for helping me strategize and  realize that i didn't quite 'do it right' haha. I picked up a book on gentle discipline at the library today and i'm reading like crazy.

[~Adorkable~]

so glad things are working out, we are all learning a lot from our kids huh?