need some support, please

[turkeybythesea]

I gave birth to my son a little over a year ago.  I was planning on going all natural,but his birth turned out anything but. I was high risk b/c of my age (37 at the time), and I was having weekly non-stress tests done to make sure he was still healthy.  One week his heart rate would fall after contractions, so they told me that I need to be induced. After pushing for about 12 hours, my doctor decided I needed to have a c-section. As soon as they put me on the operating table my son's heart rate started to fall. The epidural wasn't working, so I had to go under general anethesia. I also hemorrhaged on the table. I am so sad that I didn't get to see my baby until hours after he was born. I am 38, and I have no idea if I will or can have another baby. I'm so upset that I may never get the experience of seeing my baby immediately after birth, and that I didn't get to meet my little one until he had already been here for hours (with his dad).  I am so depressed, and I get jealous of women who were able to give birth naturally. I feel like I missed out on something amazing. Because of the nature of my c-section, I will never be able to give birth naturally. Any helpful/encouraging words?

[CoBabyMaker]

I would start by telling you that you are not alone.  Hugs.  Even though I wasn't put under I was so drugged that it was hours before I got to hold my first daughter. 

I wish I had more wise, sweet, comforting words. 
 

[fayebond]

You made a litle human being and carried him around for nine months, that is superpower quality accomplishment right there.   You can mourn all you want (or don't), we're here for you. 

CS is not ideal but it doesn't have to be that hard. Have you found your local ICAN chapter?  They are really nice in my town, and even though I rarely go, its great to have a place to vent without being judged for (or told to just get happy about) my CS.  

If God blesses you with another baby someday, I pray your birth goes better for you emotionally.  If its an RCS, you can be awake for it, and some places even allow breastfeeding to start before the surgery is done, just up and into your arms the baby goes.  If you find a care provider to agree to an unmedicated birth (even with a vertical scar its been done but few people are expeiranced enough), that sounds like the "plan A" you woukd want (a CS is not a bad plan B).

[wissa19]

The are no guarantee when it comes to giving birth.  Unfortunately, sometimes the experience we hoped and wanted turns into something else.  I think being disappointed about having General A is something most mom's would feel.  I was in recovery forever and even though I did get to see my LO right after I always kind of miss the hours after when I couldn't have him with me.  However, I've loved every moment with him after and I wouldn't trade for those for those first few hours after I had him.   

Sometimes I do get jealous when I see women with their newborns placed on their chests, but you know what...When you compare you always lose.   I have come to terms with what happened and I just think of it as my journey.  My journey is different from yours and yours is different from someone else's.   

If you are really depressed about it, it might be helpful for you to find a therapist or someone that can help you get over the disappointment.  Chances are that if you have another baby, even if you have c-section you will not need GA.  You can always meet with the anesthesiologist before hand and talk about what happened and how to prevent it the next time.