Fostering newborns unearths strong emotions about biology

[marsupial-mom]

I'm fostering newborn twins. Obviously, caring for newborn twins is challenging enough, but doing it as a foster mom is bringing up all these emotions. Maybe it's just the sleep deprivation but I'm having strong urges for more certainty than fostering allows. I never have urges to have my own biological kids except when the kids I'm fostering might be removed from my care. I just crave the permanency and certainty that having biological children allows.

I would love to adopt these little guys but it's looking like the system is badgering a biological relative into taking over their care. She's not all that interested (has already taken over a month to "decide" what to do and still hasn't decided) and I know it's not truly in these children's best interests to move in with her (since there is zero scientific evidence that suggests children are "better off" with biological relatives like aunts or uncles than with an adoptive family). And if we can't adopt them then I want them out of our home so we can move forward with our lives.

I know that's not how the system works and I also know that a super-fast transition isn't in the best interests of the babies. Im also committed to foster-adopt because I tuly believe this is the most ethical way to build a family. I have a hard time rationalizing bringing children into a world where there already exist so many children who need permanent parents and homes. But I just really crave certainty. And thus I have a rather intense desire to get pregnant.

Of course, if I did get pregnant, the timing would be terrible. What if we were allowed to adopt these twins, then what? I'd have way too many toddlers at one time. I would probably need some sort of medication ;) At the same time, if I don't get pregnant really soon then the window for that option will close. Already, we have fertility issues and would have to use sperm donation or IVF anyway. I don't really want bio children anyway, it's just... I want certainty.

Any other foster mothers go through this? What do you do about it?

[swd12422]

YES. I haven't gotten a baby yet, but I'm getting antsy. We have a 4 year old who is LOVING the 2- and 3-year-old boys we've had coming through b/c he has a built-in playmate (as if preschool 3x/week isn't enough). We originally started fostering with the intent to adopt, and now both of us are kinda que sera, sera about it. But deep down, I need a baby. After this little guy we have moves on, I'm changing my age range to 0-1.

And as much as I love the kid we have now, and how well he fits into our family, and how easy he is (yes, we have an EASY foster kid!), I want him gone so an adoptable baby can move in. I know he's not going to be adoptable so I find myself wishing for a faster reunification instead. Maybe if he were more likely to be TPRed I'd feel more patient knowing we might be able to keep him, but since it's practically not at all likely I just want to move on.

I must be crazy for wanting this easy, potty-trained, quiet, well-mannered playmate for my son to leave so a teething, drooling, non-sleeping, crawling, crying mess of an infant can move in!
 

ETA: Pregnancy is not an option at all for us, but I know that must make it even more complicated for you to figure out what to do! But if that might not be possible without intervention AND you "don't really want bio children anyway" then go with your gut and stick with fostering. The kids will come however they're meant to come.

[kellannolin]

Yes- long story short, we had been waiting to foster adopt for 2 years without a placement.  Not a single placement.  At that point, we decided to start looking at older kids in the 6-10 year old range for foster adoption.  However, we really wanted the opportunity to also parent from a young age as well. 

At the nearly 2 year mark, we started trying with infertility treatments to get pregnant.  And we tried for a year (really about 8 tries only- we took breaks because it was expensive and incredibly intrusive and restricting in terms of timing).  After waiting for 2 and 3/4 years, we got placed with an infant.  The little one was still in the hospital (and would stay there for over a month while they sorted out all the medical issues).  We fostered  for 6 months before the goal was changed to adoption.  We are still waiting in that limbo period.  There is still a potential biological father in the picture, so it is not a done deal, but the department seems committed to keeping the baby with us as it has thrived in our care, is totally bonded and the dad doesn't necessarily have the means to support it.  Of course, if dad has an aunt or a mother who is interested, she may have more standing that we do- its such a screwed up system.

In those 6 months though, there was a lot of back and forth and we were pretty convinced that mom was going to pull together and do it.  And so, we decided to keep trying to fertility treatments- I am also older so the window was closing for me to try- if this foster child went back to its mother in a year, it would be significantly harder for me to get pregnant.  So, we decided to try one last time and lo and behold, I am pregnant on this last cycle- over a year later.  So, all total, we tried infertility treatments for over 1 year, and waited for nearly three years for a placement of a foster/adopt child.

Be care what you wish for    For us, we wanted 2 kids so this is good except they are going to be Irish twins.  We initially did not want biological children, but two years of waiting is a long time to wait. We are also getting older and wanted to get on with it.  We did the biological kids thing out of a sense of frustration with the foster adopt system- we were to the point where we didn't think we would ever get placed with a child.  Even our inquires for older kids were met with skepticism and non interest by the department (I think because our initial homestudy was for infant through 3).  So, yes, I often feel like the foster adopt system "drove" me to having infertility treatments!

[marsupial-mom]

So glad to hear others have similar feelings.

I was thinking the other night... wouldn't it make a really interesting movie/ novel if a couple struggled with infertility then adopted, then adopted again, both times sibling groups or special needs or both, and then got pregnant but felt the house was full and didn't feel like they could parent that child so they made an adoption plan for it? What a funny (black humor) story it could be.

[swd12422]

LOL, after reading this thread I was thinking the same thing the other day. Only not a movie, per se, but just our life. Unlike so many who foster/adopt, DH and I have been holding firm at 2. I have tried to weasel a third in here "just to see" if we could actually have 3 kids, but DH so far won't even consider doing respite for a third and is worrying that we'll get an adoptive placement while we still have our foster child here.
 

So then I was thinking about "what if" I had a fluke pregnancy after our adoptive placement comes to stay, and we do end up with 3? I can't see DH disrupting an adoptive placement (even if it's not final yet) and definitely can't see him agreeing to an adoption plan for our unborn  baby!

[Mom31]

My parents waited on an adoption list for 5 years and tried to get pregnant for a total of 8 years- 3 months after they got me- they got pregnant.  Adoption is not a cure for infertility however it does happen and I know my mom had her hands full.  2 babies a year apart was not what she wanted.
 

[marsupial-mom]

Well, the babies were moved so I'm not in that limbo situation any more. And my desire for a biological baby is again, waning. I am loving having more quality time with my toddler, more sleep, and the option to vacation again!

If we had kept those babies it was obvious that it was going to be a long, drawn-out case with many, nasty court battles and perhaps worse. Plus, those babies were under the care of a case worker and supervisor that we simply cannot work with. Previous experiences with that staff from Family Services have negated any possibility of honest and respectful communication. So,  the babies' father, the case worker, her supervisor = 3 people we feel are toxic and we do not want in our lives. Sad for the babies but we can't do that to our family.

Now we can go back to our original plan. We will adopt another child in a manner that offers more honesty, respect, and certainty.

[bethiana]

 oops deleted . . . my crazy kid playing around on the computer posting random stuff 

[lauren]

marsupial mom I'm glad you got some resolution, although it still sounds like a very difficult situation you went through.  I hope the next placement, or whatever happens next, brings  you more peace!

[marsupial-mom]

Thank you, Lauren. We're just going to enjoy our freedom for a while. We're going on vacation finally! And we're not going to foster anymore (we never really wanted to foster in the first place, we always just wanted to adopt). In a few years we will start the process for a second adoption. And then we're done. (Well, until our children are grown. Then we might foster teenagers or something.)

[lauren]

I'm sure you'll know what's right for your family.