This is what my 13 year old was saying the other day in a moment of self-pity. He also said today he wishes he were less talented... It breaks my heart but I know it is very tough for him to stay disciplined and to work tirelessly day after day.
Anyway, any other experiences similar to mine?
This is what my 13 year old was saying the other day in a moment of self-pity. He also said today he wishes he were less talented... It breaks my heart but I know it is very tough for him to stay disciplined and to work tirelessly day after day.
Anyway, any other experiences similar to mine?
That sounds sad. Can you expand a little and explain what he is working at tirelessly day after day and why?
What requires an extraordinary level of discipline from a 13 y.o.?
Perhaps you've mentioned it elsewhere, but I'm afraid I'm not aware of his issues.
My son is a cellist. He is also highly gifted intellectually.He just came back from the Heifetz Institute in VA where he worked very hard with a variety of teachers for 6 weeks and performed more than almost everyone (except for Chad Hoopes and Eric Silberger who are both amazing young stars). He was the youngest kid there, so it was tough socially but musically it was perfect. He found the 20-somethings at Heifetz were some of his best buddies because they could discuss philosophy and linguistics together, and play chess.
Now he is preparing for an international competition, a really tough one. He is practicing about 4 hours a day and listening to a ton of performances, and reading a book on Performance Success by Greene. He played through his program at a nursing home last week and now he is working on "fixing" problems with his playing and fine-tuning. We leave in a few days... dear friends are sponsoring our travel, so he is putting a ton of pressure on himself. He also did choose the most complicated pieces for the competition. He tends to make his life a lot harder... I think sometimes he feels bad that things come easy to him.
When we get back, he starts 4 high school courses and 2 college courses. And new repertoire, more competitions, 2 chamber groups (one with ambitions to go to the Fischoffs), orchestra...
Most of his friends are relaxing, playing tons of video games, and have no big worries...
That does sound like an intense workload for a 13 y.o.
How does he relax? What kind of strategies does he use to deal with the pressure?
Physical exercise, yoga, meditation....anything?
Yes, it is very intense. He plays ping-pong at the Y, kicks ball with his brother, and walks with my husband or me... We are thinking of having him do yoga this fall. He also watches a lot of movies on Netflix and follows several TV shows. Now he is relaxing by learning Japanese.:)
This is I think a question of parenting and educational philosophy. My kids have been nowhere near as talented at age 13 as your ds, but I think that's in part because circumstances and parenting philosophy led me not to put them in a high-intensity enriched environment that is rife with high expectations from others. This was a conscious choice. I grew up on the edge of the same musical sphere in SW Ontario as Corey Cerovsek, the ultimate intellectual and musical prodigy, and watched as he and other prodigies developed. I saw all the possibilities for hot-housing young musicians and how they played out. I knew that wasn't what I wanted for my kids. I wanted them to have balanced, healthy childhoods, so that even if they decided at age 18 that they never wanted to play music again, they wouldn't be full of regrets about all that they gave up of their childhoods. I wanted them to indulge their "normal" sides: obsessing over a new video game, spending crazy Saturdays playing Balderdash, going on backpacking trips, learning mountain-biking tricks, hanging out with friends for Harry Potter movie marathons.
My eldest was essentially teacher-less for quite a while during adolescence and until age 17 had only a lesson or two a month with no regular ensemble experience, because although everyone could see that she had immense potential, I did not believe that potential comes with the obligation to fulfill it. I admit that our rural situation conspired to keep the demands on her at bay, so I don't take full credit for achieving that balance myself -- it was partly just the result of where we lived. But I knew that if she was going to end up in a high-pressure intense competitive environment I wanted her to come to that fully informed, as a mature human being who had purposely chosen that situation for herself and knew what the alternatives were. I didn't want her to choose by default, just because those around her kept funnelling her into what they thought would bring her more success sooner and "realize her full potential" as if this were a law of the universe that it was a sin to break.
She is an intense perfectionist, extremely obsessive and driven when she puts her mind to things and is in an environment that feeds her obsessions. I think if she had been pushed in a competitive direction she would have ended up stressed and eventually burnt out. At age 17 she sought out a taste of that a more intense environment: weekly lessons with a big-name teacher, high-end competitive orchestral experiences, and flexible schooling to give herself the chance to practice a lot. She ended up making it very intense indeed: practicing 6-8 hours a day on top of rehearsals, occasionally up to 12 hours a day of playing, carrying a full load of senior math and science courses through distance education, living on her own, touring with her orchestra, doing a bunch of auditions. She absolutely loved it: I've never seen her so happy and energized. She obviously didn't have the kind of environment that set her up for recording the Kabalevsky Concerto with a major orchestra as a teenager, but she isn't mourning the loss of recording contracts. And she knows that any stress she puts herself under is a choice, and that other choices do not connote failure on a preferred or expected track.
I would encourage you to look long and hard at your ds's musical path and the expectations that he's immersed in. If you change nothing, the pressure is only likely to get worse over the remainder of his formative years. If your ds is less happy and more stressed in a period of intense work, rather than more happy and more energized, I would suggest that the default trajectory is not creating the right balance, and that it may be important to start sometimes saying "no" to opportunities, to gently take the foot off the accelerator, to occasionally apply the brake. I don't think the world will end, musically or otherwise, and it will be important for him to see that it doesn't.
Good luck!
Miranda
I think many talented kids find themselves trapped in a pattern of achievement largely because the idea of not achieving is frightening. High achievement becomes part of their identity and they get positive reinforcement for it every where they turn. They literally have no idea what would happen if they skipped a concert, passed on a show, did not take the optional language class, ect. The tricky part is they can truly enjoy those things but become overwhelmed with the expectations they perceive are on them (and I say "perceive" because I know some kids make assumptions on what others expect when it make actually not be the case.) Sometimes, as parents, we do have to enforce slow-downs and most times, the kids appreciate it once they let go of the idea they are letting anyone down. It's hard. I know it's hard. In our own personal case though, it's been the right thing to do.
I don't have kids in your son's shoes although I personally was in similar shoes but at an older age (16 by the time I had opportunities to play in big orchestras, so certainly more time to grow than a 13 year old). Kids who are very talented at a young age (I've seen this a lot in the sports world, too) sometimes miss out on the just kidding around stage but it still has to happen sooner or later. Everyone needs to learn to just hang out with friends, "waste" time, make stupid mistakes, hang out alone with no agenda, take (sometimes pointless) risks, be temporarily irresponsible. Personally, I ended up doing all that in my early 20s when it was less socially acceptable and had greater personal consequences, and when I no longer felt the full trust to confide in my parents. Better to let loose when it's safe and acceptable and there's family around. Maybe your son wouldn't be like this, but even then, it sounds like he has a lot of stress for a person of any age, let alone a 13 year old.
Hugs to your son! My husband and I are both violinists, though we are just "run-of-the-mill" orchestral musicians, lol.
It is awkward at music festivals when you're talented and 13. A good many of the other attendees are in their late teens. But one of the great things about classical music is that multi-generational friendships are common! The 20-year-olds look out for the younger ones, and the teachers are like your peers. Eventually, your son will be 20, and he should pay it forward and play chess with the lonely 13-year-old.
I know the kind of pressure your son is under. It's pretty brutal. It stays brutal, in many ways. Schedule-wise, my husband and I are always a bit off-kilter. If it's a concert day, you have to take'er easy all day, preparing. Finally you get to work late in the evening. We finish concerts at 10:30 pm, and then we leave the concert hall and bounce around nervously at home, unable to deal with the excess adrenaline. This is why musicians tend to drink a lot.
I have just a few short pieces of advice for your son:
1) Take up a physical activity, and stay limber to prevent future injury.
2) Practice efficiently. Zuckerman says you should practice only 3-4 hours, for whatever that's worth.
3) Love it.
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Sounds good 
. Honestly, it sounds like he was asking for some help finding balance when he made his comment about wanting to be a normal child, even if he doesn't realize it himself.
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I have just a few short pieces of advice for your son:
1) Take up a physical activity, and stay limber to prevent future injury.
2) Practice efficiently. Zuckerman says you should practice only 3-4 hours, for whatever that's worth.
3) Love it.
Good advice! OP, you mentioned he likes ping-pong, kicking a ball and walking. I'd suggest he try something that involves a lot of symmetrical upper and lower body as well as core trunk work - swimming or perhaps martial arts like Tae Kwon Do. My DS (a high school music major) enjoyed capoeira. I think it appealed to him partly because of the association with music. He played double bass and found that he really needed an activity that engaged both sides of his body, head to toe, to combat the stiffness and overuse that are inherent in playing a stringed instrument. And he did not practice or compete at anywhere near the level that your DS is doing.
I have seen how musicians with intractable repetitive strain injuries suffer. Overuse injuries can end a performance career (presuming that is what he is planning) before it ever really begins. They are as much a problem for musicians as for athletes, but from my experience, elite musicians are more likely to play through pain and hide injuries than elite athletes. Musicians have some crazy combination of obsessive personality, belief that one should suffer for art, desperation to succeed or not lose out on opportunities, along with a general failure to acknowledge or recognize the "physical" as opposed to the "artistic" side of a performer. Most athletes are fairly in-tune with their bodies and aware of the importance of avoiding overuse injuries, even if they sometimes don't recognize it's happening until too late. Elite athletes are pretty careful with their training schedules. I find musicians are much more likely to brush off the possibility of injury, ignore the warning signs and refuse to alter their practice schedules because of performance and personal expectations. You don't say how long he is playing every day, but if it's as long or longer than an Olympic athlete's daily training schedule, consider what he is doing to prevent injury.
Aside from obvious emotional and psychological benefits from taking up regular exercise and having other daily diversions, there are compelling physical health reasons to avoid "working tirelessly day after day". He may need reminding that he doesn't just want to play well for this one piece or this one competition, he wants to play well for a lifetime. When you are a teenager, it's easy to feel invincible.
Good luck to you both.
That sounds really good from a physical standpoint (and I realize that aikido has psychological/spiritual benefits as well ... we did aikido for a few years here). And the massage is not going to be a bad thing either. But this is still scheduled stuff -- and again, the aikido, while not competitive, is still a skill-oriented pursuit he excels at where there will be expectations for progress and achievement. I think you may also need to work to carve out unscheduled, unstructured, non-skills-oriented time when he can enjoy himself socially completely free of expectations for achievement. It may be as simple as declaring a Nothing Day every week, where practicing is curtailed and no scheduled activities are allowed, or arranging little mini-holidays with friends (like play-dates, but for teens -- adventures across town for a movie and a meal, eg.) where he's away from home and all the regular stuff.
Miranda
If you are concerned that he will bring the same driven-to-excel attitude (and stress) to swimming or aikido, suggest that he consider them like the "cross-training" that athletes do for their general fitness level. Most athletes cross train in other activities aside from their primary sport. Swimmers may do some weight training. Volleyball players may do some distance running. Skiers may cycle in the off-season. None of them expects to compete in their cross-training sports and definitely they don't expect to win medals (except for Clara Hughes maybe). The purpose of those activities is to support and assist and provide a welcome change from the primary sport, not to become another focus. It will probably be a good experience for him to learn to enjoy an activity at a casual, recreational level. It is a good idea to be careful about adding more organized activities to his schedule but we've taken advantage of "free swims" at the local pools (ie. just jump in the pool, no lessons) and our local judo dojo has a pretty relaxed drop-in level of classes running throughout the week for people who want some exercise. Hopefully, there are similar opportunities for your DS. You mentioned yoga upthread and that's another great activity that can be done at a studio or at home on a relaxed basis.
My son has said the same thing and I don't even have him in any of those activities- he just feels different from the other kids and gets teased for being so smart- they call him smarty pants.
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