Need some advice/understanding « Back to Group Discussions

[cocobean]

So sorry ahead of time about this long post.  I've had some stuff on my mind I really need to get out, and am wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this. 

So we tried for two years to have a baby.  Every month I would play the game of am I or am I not pregnant, was that nauseau or just the McDonalds I ate?  You know the drill.  It was really hard and emotionally taxing.  I literally did this every month.  Flash forward to the end of the two years and I had my first miscarriage.  It was very early, in fact I don't think most people would have even known what it was, but I was charting and knew what was happening.  I never got a postitive pregnancy test which made it easier to deal with.  In Febuary of this year I got a positive preagnancy test.  The moment I saw the results I went to my husband, who was still in bed and just sobbed, because I was finally going to get my baby!!!  Unfortunatly two days later I started bleeding and had another miscarriage.  If you've done the math, you can figure that this was the cycle immediatly before this pregnancy.  Later in Febuary when I got a second postitive pregnancy test I wasn't really happy.  I didn't believe it could be true.  For the past few weeks I had been getting tested for hypothyroidism and low progesterone.  I had not started treatement yet, and was going out of town the day I got the positive test.  I was very panicked and thought I was going to lose another pregnancy because I and my doc believe my miscarriages where due to low progesterone.  We got to my parents house and decided to tell them what was going on so they didn't think something was weird.  I'm so sad it wasn't a happy thing.  I was just so scared.  I went to my OBGY from my first pregnancy, which is in my hometown, and got my hcg levels checked.  So a few days later it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and that so far things looked good.  I started that week on progesterone.  Every time I would go to the bathroom I would be so scared to look at the toliet paper because I kept expecting to see blood again.  I decided I wanted to get an early ultrasound just to help ease my mind that our baby was doing ok.  It was a horrible experience, the ultrasound tech was mean when I asked if my baby had a heart beat.  She acted like I was bothering her.  I was crying and had to explain to her I just had a miscarriage a little over a month ago.  I was 8 weeks along and she did the ultrasound externally instead of transvaginally.  Because I was so early, she had to push the wand so hard on my belly I cramped for 20 minutes after the appointment.  I was so upset by the time I left there really wasn't any relief after seeing my baby.  So I continued on with every day feeling my baby surely had to be dead.  I wasn't taking care of myself because I was still angry at my body, because I had to blame someone for my infertility and my miscarriages, and so my body was who I chose.  I realized had a good cry/talk with my husband and felt much better.  I soon started feeling baby movements but since it was still early when I would go a day or two without feeling movement I would be convinved my baby was dead.  The movements eventually got stronger and are now pretty obvious there is a baby in there.  I am thinking about this pregnancy, and about my birth but am still having a very hard time believing I'm going to get a baby.  Some of it is we know we are going to be moving before this little one is born so we don't have any of our baby things out, and so it's hard to picture that someone is going to be added to our family.  I feel I have mostly dealt with the loss of my baby before this one, but worry about bonding with this baby.  I always thought I wanted lots of babies, but this road has been so long and hard I'm just taking it a step at a time.  But when I was having so many problems getting pregnant I remember talking to my husband about how I didn't want to take a moment of my next pregnancy for granted.  I love being pregnant.  I love my body as it changes in my pregnancy.  I still love it, but am feeling completly disconnected from my baby.  I am very excited and anxious for December to be here so I can go through birth again and meet this little person.  I can imagine my birth until the point where I actually get my baby.  I can't seem to break down that barrier.  I should also add we don't know the gender of our baby this time and last time we did, so that is something else that is making it hard for me to bond, because I don't know this babies name and obviously can't call them by it as we don't know if it's a boy or girl.  Has anyone else ever felt this way?  I wonder if I have built up my last pregnancy into some sort of fantasy of how simple it was to bond with my baby, and then thinking of how much I love my little guy now.  I know I didn't feel the same way about him when he was in my belly as I do now that he's out.  Not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just a safe place to vent.  I've talked about it alot with my husband and he's amazing but since he is very different from me, and being a man he doesn't entirely understand pregnancy, and whatnot.

Again sorry so long.  But man do I feel better just having typed that!

[tropicana74]

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you. I am just happy to see that you are planning a home birth because it sounds like the people in the medical field you have dealt with have not treated you with kindness or respect when you were vulnerable. I am so sorry. 

I can't say that I have been where you are but I just want to send you ((HUGS)). 

Thanks for sharing with us. I'm glad you were able to get it all out.

[mamadiamond]

i can definitely relate to some of what you're going through. i miscarried in january after 6 months ttc, and then got pregnant 3 cycles later. my whole first trimester was terrifying for me, and i didn't want to really think about being pregnant because i couldn't go through getting excited again just to lose another baby. i had a 10 week ultrasound and was happy to see baby, but it didn't really help me stop worrying. i don't think i really started to relax and just be excited until the 20 week ultrasound. and honestly, until next week when baby becomes viable there is still worry in the back of my head. and i'm also moving before this baby is born, and having a hard time with nesting because everything is getting packed away and i'm so busy. we did find out baby's sex, and that has helped me start to feel more connected, but i too can't really imagine who this baby is going to be. with my dd i talked to my belly all the time, and just obsessed about every part of pregnancy, and this time around i've struggled. i've been trying to be more intentional about it and take some time every evening when she is most wiggly to just sit with my hands on my belly and think about and talk to her. that is helping me feel more connected. i'm also making some baby things (even though i have to pack them as i make them), and that helps me to focus on this new baby coming. and making things and seeing them take shape in my hands helps me in a tangible way to focus on creation and the reality of the pregnancy. i hope you can find some ways to feel connected and enjoy this pregnancy. 

[nhklh]

Yes, I can relate to what you're saying.  It took me 4 years to conceive DS2 and the pg was awful.  I was so completely terrified that something awful was going to happen.  I had several freaked-out visits to the emergency dept because I hadn't felt him move.  

To be completely honest it's only just now (he's just turned 4) that those thoughts are lessening.  I had a c/s with him, which was awful, then lots of BFing difficulties.  I never really believed that he was really here, that he was really going to be ok.    It's really not a fun way to be, I'm in tears just writing about it, so clearly I've not really let it all go.

It also took me a good year to really bond with my children, and to feel like they were really here.  I always just figured that's how it is, that some people just take longer (and they do) but now I wonder if it's because they were both c/s babies, and that I was going through infertility crap when DS1 was born, and of course all the trauma I accumulated by the time DS2 was born.  I'm curious about how things will go this time, esp with a homebirth, whether it is "just me" or whether the slow bonding is a result of the other factors.

This pg has been so different BUT this pg was the result of trying just one cycle (FET), as opposed to straight off the back of years of my body failing me, of me failing.  For me, I think that has made a massive difference in my mental/emotional state.  I've also done some NET (neuro emotional technique) prior to this pg, which I think has been helpful.

I really hope that somehow you're able to bond with your baby.  

[segolilymama]

coco - I too can relate to some of what you have written. It took about a year to conceive this time, and I can usually get pregnant if my partner looks at me funny on the wrong day of the month ;) I was basically convinced that I would NOT get my last baby - I had given myself until my 41st birthday, and had a + test about 10 days before my birthday. For weeks, until I heard the HB at about 15 weeks, I was pretty sure I wasn't even pregnant, despite the vomitting, exhuastion, and sore breasts. Even after that, until I felt regular movements, I too was worried every day that something was wrong - the checking the TP every time I pee still happens occassionally, but yes, it used to be EVERY time, and totally worried about it.

The only 'advice' I would give is to come up with both boy & girl names - to start creating who s/he is, even if it's 1 of 2 people. Maybe take yourself out of the equation, imagine your DS or DH being with the baby - what would that be like? Also, Birthing From Within has SO many great exercises to help work with bonding, I'm sure your local library has a copy & I would highly recommend it.

Much love to you - s/he will be here before you know it, and the realness will sink in pretty darn fast ;)

[mamatwo8]

to you Mama.

I can agree on some levels. After loosing a baby it makes you worry more. For me more so then when I was pregnant with #1 and never experienced the positive pregnancy test to then go thru the bleeding and passing of a baby. I have engrained it in my mind that yes although I am pregnant ( for now) with each pregnancy that Im not out of the woods till the baby is in my arms. I dont make a big deal about it, and try not to get to connected. Even with the kicks and little things that baby does, as my body grows, etc. I just dont for fear that one day it may be all over. Its not "real" until Birth Day... even then I tread lightly. Ive known the sex of the baby on some of my pregnancies but still dont call the baby by its name when in the womb... its not real yet. I know that might sound odd. But I couldnt fathom bonding early for fear of death and grief later...

I have friends that get all "into"it. Granted they have not MC before. I am sure that might change things. Like buying things as soon as they get a + test. For us, I hesitate to buy things well into the 9th month.  I think thats programed into our minds.

Hoping you find peace and can heal and connect in any way you feel is right.

[Mamabeakley]

I have not been where you are, but I think you make perfect sense.  For me, this has been my most difficult and challenging pregnancy by far, and I definitely am still having trouble believing that I will get a baby - a healthy, happy baby - at the end of it.  It's not a history of miscarriage for me - but so many other things have gone so far from what I was expecting in my life over the past two - three years that I am really struggling to believe that something good unalleviated by trauma is going to happen about this or can happen about anything.  And, I know that's not a good attitude to be going into birth with!  But it's honest.  It's where I am right now.  And my experience is that I am not going to be able to change it unless I accept it as what is right now. 

Things I hold on to: the first time I felt anything but stressed and overwhelmed about this pregnancy (even though I fully intended to get pregnant when I did) was the first time I felt the baby move.  That was a big relief, to realize I could feel positively about it!  I still try to notice anytime I am feeling positively or hopeful about the baby/pregnancy.  DD (age 3) got to feel the baby move from the outside last week - that was a big moment for me, too.  I let myself think about names - we don't know the sex either and I think it's actually more fun to think about two whole sets of names than to be limited to one (although it would help if I could think of ANY boys names I like . . ..)  I try to remember that I am actually feeling miles better than I did in the first trimester.

[mamaharrison]

I haven't read through allthe other replies yet, but I did want to suggest the book Spirit babies http://www.waltermakichen.com/wordpress/?page_id=36 to everyone, but especially those who are still in mourning over the loss of a baby. It is a very easy read, but very insightful in this realm, IMO. The boo offers lots of different meditation for you to connect with your Spirit babies through all phases of the conception dance. It is really a wonderful resource and a light in the dark for many who are suffering through this experience.

Hugs to you, cocobean and to all those remembering and missing your spirit babies <3  The soul that I am pregnant with now was a Spirit baby for MANY years before this conception and this is the third time I have carried him {we just refer to all in womb babies as him even though we don't KNOW the sex} in my womb. I am aching to actually meet him and hold him after almost a decade of waiting.

sending light, love, and peace your way ~~

[cocobean]

Thanks ladies!  It helps hearing I'm not alone in these feelings.  I know I can't force myself to feel a certain way even though i want to!  I really do think when the baby is finally in my arms I will be ok, I just worry that because I'm having a hard time bonding now I'm going to continue being disconnected once the baby is actually here.  My last baby I felt very bonded durring pregnancy but I remember being taken back once he was here.  Bonding wasn't hard but it wasn't as simple and all farts and sunshine like everyone made it seem.  I didn't even know who he was yet!  I think when you get down to it that's what I'm worried about.  I feel like I've dealt with my loss as much as I can and don't seem to have to much sadness anymore. It's just made this pregnancy so much more complex.  We do have names picked out for both sexes but I still don't know what to call the little guy(we have just been refering to the baby as he because it feels wrong to say it).  I was thinking today of doing some nesting things even if I have to pack them. Get the little clothes out and organized, in the drawers.  Maybe get the changing table out so I can see it and get things to organize stuff there too.  I also need to redo my diapers.  I already took of the velcro and need to sew the new stuff back on.  These are things I can do now to help me remember there really will be a baby here soon, and the crazy kicks and wiggles in my belly really do belong to a person and are not in my head.  Thanks again for the support and I hope all of you struggling with the same thing find peace as well.   

O and I own Birthing From Within but haven't read much into it.  It does keep popping into my head, so maybe I'll pull it back out and do some things from in there! :)

[phatchristy]

Maybe something like birth art or writing out your feelings would help.

I think sometimes in life things happen in ways we don't expect and somehow it makes us think the worst.

This time for me was unplanned, and I had never thought I'd be doing this as an 'older mom'.  So, I didn't expect things to be OK even when I went in for my first appointment.  I'm feeling better about things now, the movement, ultrasound and such make things feel more real.  Allow yourself some time to work through your feelings.  All of what you're feeling is normal.