So sorry ahead of time about this long post. I've had some stuff on my mind I really need to get out, and am wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this.
So we tried for two years to have a baby. Every month I would play the game of am I or am I not pregnant, was that nauseau or just the McDonalds I ate? You know the drill. It was really hard and emotionally taxing. I literally did this every month. Flash forward to the end of the two years and I had my first miscarriage. It was very early, in fact I don't think most people would have even known what it was, but I was charting and knew what was happening. I never got a postitive pregnancy test which made it easier to deal with. In Febuary of this year I got a positive preagnancy test. The moment I saw the results I went to my husband, who was still in bed and just sobbed, because I was finally going to get my baby!!! Unfortunatly two days later I started bleeding and had another miscarriage. If you've done the math, you can figure that this was the cycle immediatly before this pregnancy. Later in Febuary when I got a second postitive pregnancy test I wasn't really happy. I didn't believe it could be true. For the past few weeks I had been getting tested for hypothyroidism and low progesterone. I had not started treatement yet, and was going out of town the day I got the positive test. I was very panicked and thought I was going to lose another pregnancy because I and my doc believe my miscarriages where due to low progesterone. We got to my parents house and decided to tell them what was going on so they didn't think something was weird. I'm so sad it wasn't a happy thing. I was just so scared. I went to my OBGY from my first pregnancy, which is in my hometown, and got my hcg levels checked. So a few days later it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and that so far things looked good. I started that week on progesterone. Every time I would go to the bathroom I would be so scared to look at the toliet paper because I kept expecting to see blood again. I decided I wanted to get an early ultrasound just to help ease my mind that our baby was doing ok. It was a horrible experience, the ultrasound tech was mean when I asked if my baby had a heart beat. She acted like I was bothering her. I was crying and had to explain to her I just had a miscarriage a little over a month ago. I was 8 weeks along and she did the ultrasound externally instead of transvaginally. Because I was so early, she had to push the wand so hard on my belly I cramped for 20 minutes after the appointment. I was so upset by the time I left there really wasn't any relief after seeing my baby. So I continued on with every day feeling my baby surely had to be dead. I wasn't taking care of myself because I was still angry at my body, because I had to blame someone for my infertility and my miscarriages, and so my body was who I chose. I realized had a good cry/talk with my husband and felt much better. I soon started feeling baby movements but since it was still early when I would go a day or two without feeling movement I would be convinved my baby was dead. The movements eventually got stronger and are now pretty obvious there is a baby in there. I am thinking about this pregnancy, and about my birth but am still having a very hard time believing I'm going to get a baby. Some of it is we know we are going to be moving before this little one is born so we don't have any of our baby things out, and so it's hard to picture that someone is going to be added to our family. I feel I have mostly dealt with the loss of my baby before this one, but worry about bonding with this baby. I always thought I wanted lots of babies, but this road has been so long and hard I'm just taking it a step at a time. But when I was having so many problems getting pregnant I remember talking to my husband about how I didn't want to take a moment of my next pregnancy for granted. I love being pregnant. I love my body as it changes in my pregnancy. I still love it, but am feeling completly disconnected from my baby. I am very excited and anxious for December to be here so I can go through birth again and meet this little person. I can imagine my birth until the point where I actually get my baby. I can't seem to break down that barrier. I should also add we don't know the gender of our baby this time and last time we did, so that is something else that is making it hard for me to bond, because I don't know this babies name and obviously can't call them by it as we don't know if it's a boy or girl. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I wonder if I have built up my last pregnancy into some sort of fantasy of how simple it was to bond with my baby, and then thinking of how much I love my little guy now. I know I didn't feel the same way about him when he was in my belly as I do now that he's out. Not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just a safe place to vent. I've talked about it alot with my husband and he's amazing but since he is very different from me, and being a man he doesn't entirely understand pregnancy, and whatnot.
Again sorry so long. But man do I feel better just having typed that!