Not excited

[Jennyanydots]

I think I am about 7 or so weeks along now, and I don't have many positive feelings about being pregnant. I want to, and I'm worried about it.

DP and I discussed this as our "window" in which we were willing to try for another depending on finances, etc... DS is 14 mos, and I really liked the idea of a 2 yr age gap because it has been so great for my older two. They're teenagers now, and have been best friends virtually all of their lives.

Anyway, so we had talked about trying, but we weren't. The pregnancy caught us off guard, and it hasn't totally sunken in yet. DP is in transition at work, and finances aren't near what our goals were before we thought we'd try for another child. I feel like I might get some backlash for having a fourth baby, especially when we're not all that well off (we've actually had to accept help from our parents this year, I'm ashamed to say).

Also, while the two year space has been wonderful for my girls, having a newborn and a two year old was really difficult, and it was hard on DD1 to have to give up so much attention when her sister was born. Granted, my XH was no help at all, so I was the only one caring for them, but DS is so much more needy and mommy attached than either of my girls ever were, and even with a caring and helpful partner, I am scared of how this will affect him.

Rather than excitement over a new baby, I feel like I'm mourning the impending loss of DS's babyhood, and I'm scared of the extra strain this will put on my relationship with DP. This hasn't been an easy year for us, and though we are doing well right now, we've had some awful fights. DP says he's excited, but more worried, and definitely not as excited as he was when we found out about DS.

So over all, I am just not feeling positive about this pregnancy. I can't relate to the happy posts I keep reading from excited moms. I dread telling my family & friends. I don't want to lose my body again. How do I change my attitude? What's wrong with me?

[pokeyAC]

I don't have any experience to share, but I want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you.  You feel what you feel.  No one can make you be excited or feel great about your pregnancy.  You have some very real fears about the difficulties you may face.  You've been there before and you know what it's like to be pregnant and to care for a newborn.  It's not easy.  The stresses of worrying about finances and your relationship make it more difficult.  Perhaps you will feel more at peace and more excited as you get closer to meeting your baby.  For now, you can probably keep it a secret for a few more weeks so that it's just between you and DP and you won't have to worry about judgement from others.  Best wishes!

[camprunner]

I felt that way throughout the pregnancy of my second one. Only I'm pretty sure DH was trying for her. To top it all off she never moved during pregnancy (or atleast I only felt her 3 times) and we didn't have ultrasounds done both because I was seeing a homebirth midwife and because I didn't want one.  So I really thought she would be born still.

She came out screaming and the first six weeks were tough but she and I are the closest of any of my three children.  I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.

if you are still not excited, I'd be sure to get some ultrasounds done. I think that would have helped me bond. 

[Jennyanydots]

Thank you both for your kind words. PokeyAC, thank you- and I agree that these feelings will probably change as the pregnancy progresses. Camprunner, I think you're right about ultrasounds and bonding- we'll probably have two of them, first one next week on my MW's advice, so we can get a better idea of dates... I think it will help make this seem more real.

I had a good talk with DP about this last night, and it made me feel a lot better today. He said that right now we are having a hard time thinking of the baby as a person we will get to know and adore, so it's easier to conceptualize the stresses that this will bring. It helped so much to talk this thru with him, and have him acknowledge how we're both feeling so frankly.

We still have some time to work on this, thankfully...

[josie423]

I got pregnant with my second baby when my first was only 5.5 months (while EBFing too). Talk about freaked out! I was excited, although very scared and nervous. And a little sad that I was already pregnant again when my oldest was hardly past being a newborn himself. I pretty quickly got over that though, fortunately, because all my babies have been super close in age. I have a feeling everything will work out for you. I certainly know how you feel. Hugs Mama!

[IronMam]

Nothing's wrong with you. But there's plenty wrong with our culture, which teaches women that they should always be happy about being pregnant and being a mom. It's OK to be worried, to mourn a little for the life schedule you had planned. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mom. That you can recognize what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself, is a good sign. It seems to me that you're already on your way to adjusting to this big change, as unpleasant as that adjustment may feel at times.

If you're still feeling overwhelmed in a month or so, look into free or sliding scale counseling options in your area. Or look into it now if you're interested. A good therapist does wonders for helping a person sort through their feelings and figure out how to cope with transitions and challenges.

[Peony]

I got pg with my 4th under very similar circumstances. We had talked about it but were not trying, we actually started actually preventing the month I did get pg.My 3rd child was 18 months then but was developmentally delayed. He wasn't even walking when I got pg. He has since been diagnosed as ASD and for all purposes, functions quite a bit lower then his age. Yeah, it was not ideal. I was not thrilled the entire pg, DS2 is one now and is quite the handful, it has been been easy by any means. I feels like I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old right now along with my two older girls. But we've survived. And I want to echo the poster that commented on the fact that our society only really wants to hear happy stories about excited mothers to be. That always isn't the case, it is ok to have mixed feelings, mourn the sudden progression onto the next stage of life whether that was what you wanted or not.