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Would you ask for financial help? - Page 3

post #41 of 50

By the way, I totally understand cost of living.  Boston and the metro area is crazy expensive.  I'm just south of Providence so I feel your pain.  We aren't much better here.

post #42 of 50
Regarding th student loans. A credit counselor *may* know of a way to lower the interest rate. Maybe not. Sometimes credit counselors know who to call or what words to say to get a particular action taken by the loan holders. At the very least, you can find out how long to expect to have to deal with it. Sometimes that helps.
post #43 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunRise View Post

When I read your post, I see it as life. You just graduated and have been in the work force for three years. You own a condo / have a mortgage, and you have 143/week for food and clothes. This kind of sounds normal to me. Working your way up. Starting off your adult life. It may not be easy and its a bit tight, but it should get better. If not by your current jobs and income, then eventually experience and bigger and better paying jobs if that is your desire.   Mind you I am 45 and come from a time where one finishing college didnt end up with big paying jobs nor big houses. One did things gradually, basement apartment, starting out jobs, work your way up. 

 

Find time to enjoy yourselves, find room in your budget to free up some extra cash, or save 50 bucks a month for a weekend vacation. Bike rides, fun easy stuff. If your jobs are not right for you, then continue to look and apply for other work. Perhaps your furniture making husband needs to look outside of your current location? Perhaps a big move is in order? Or maybe he can make some furniture on the side for sale, start his own furniture making business.

 

It is tough to see the help flow else where and maybe they dont need it either...I have a sister who endlessly needs financial help, feels entitled, repo'ed cars, trying to live a certain way, beyond her means, etc. Argh, I guess I am just glad that is not me.

I completely agree with this. Most of us have started down at the bottom where you are. It's just part of life. My brother and sister apparently haven't learned this and feel like they should start where my parents are. Not how it works. I think where you are is just fine. We started out living in a junky trailer and furniture that my parents gave us as they upgraded their own. Just keep swimming and work your way up.

post #44 of 50

OP, I can commiserate with you. My family is currently in a similar position-- we technically have money left over after bills but it's very hard to live on that amount, and there's just not another expense we can cut out. Our financial situation changed recently and we have a surprise baby on the way, so things are tighter than ever. I recently broke down and asked my folks for money (haven't done that since being independent at 18) and it was hard for a number of reasons. But it sounds like in your situation, if your inlaws would give you money with no strings attached/judgment, I would do it and ask for a lump sum. Figure out how much you need to cover late bills, with a little extra for a cushion, and ask for that amount. And then burn the hottest fire under your husband's butt to change his money intake situation because it seems like that's your only option.

 

That said, I understand what it's like to have a partner who doesn't have a good work situation but hasn't done anything about it. It's very, very, very frustrating. You can't force someone to do anything. You have more than my sympathies on that front. But if his situation doesn't change, you might have to downgrade your living situation. Does he realize that?

 

And yes, Boston is stupidly expensive. I went to college there for two years and it was hard to make ends meet even on a student budget!

 

The one thing that stands out to me as to your budget is your twice monthly date nights. Obviously you can't really afford those (and I'm sure you know that!) but what a difficult thing to cut out. DH and I cherish our dates so I understand. We can't afford our sitter anymore (and believe in paying people decently for watching our children, so paying her less, even though she would accept, isn't something we would do or feel good about) so we now rely on childcare swaps with friends. Do you know a family in a similar situation to yours who you could swap date nights with?

post #45 of 50

A lot of the responses are focused on the "whether to request assistance" question.  However, I feel like a lot of them are not addressing the underlying favoritism issue, which is an important one.

 

I do think parents (even of grown children) have a responsiblity to avoid favoritism as it is SO destructive to relationships.  It harms the relationships between siblings, between parents and child and between grandparents and grandchildren. 

 

Maybe I missed it in your posts, OP, but is this part of a long-standing pattern? 

 

I think it is completely legitimate for your husband to have a discussion with his parents that he is feeling hurt by a perceived favoritism of one child over the other.  Only after that discussion and hearing the rationale of his parents to their actions can you really decide as to what extent and on what terms should your family's relationship with his parents proceed.

post #46 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzbuzz View Post

A lot of the responses are focused on the "whether to request assistance" question.  However, I feel like a lot of them are not addressing the underlying favoritism issue, which is an important one.

 

I do think parents (even of grown children) have a responsiblity to avoid favoritism as it is SO destructive to relationships.  It harms the relationships between siblings, between parents and child and between grandparents and grandchildren. 

 

Maybe I missed it in your posts, OP, but is this part of a long-standing pattern? 

 

I think it is completely legitimate for your husband to have a discussion with his parents that he is feeling hurt by a perceived favoritism of one child over the other.  Only after that discussion and hearing the rationale of his parents to their actions can you really decide as to what extent and on what terms should your family's relationship with his parents proceed.


THAT !

post #47 of 50
Thread Starter 

Thanks so much to everyone for responding and sharing your similar stories. Everyone has been really kind and your responses are all so thoughtful. I really, really appreciate it. As of right now we are going to try to make it without help and see how far we get. We had to take a forbearance on my loans, but hopefully that will give us a little time to recover and get back on our feet. Thank you for reminding me how important my financial independence is to me, and I'm sorry to everyone who has had to deal with really negative situations with family and/or finances.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by loveandgarbage View Post
Do you know a family in a similar situation to yours who you could swap date nights with?

Thanks for your sympathy, loveandgarbage. Yes, my husband knows how bad what he's doing is, he's just paralyzed by stress, I think. I'll keep encouraging him and hopefully one day it will stick. As to the question above, we are actually super lucky with this issue: my dad is always really happy to babysit for dates because he gets to spend very little time with our DD, who he adores (he works long hours). So it's just the cost of the actual date, and we keep it reasonable. We've definitely been going out less lately, or finding free things to do like biking together; as long as we get some of that one-on-one time or I think we'd go crazy!

 

Buzzbuzz and tonttu, thank you so, so much for your perspective. It really validates how I feel about this situation after watching my husband's reaction to it. It's a pattern that has been building since BIL and SIL had their first DD eight years ago, and that has come into really sharp contrast since we've had a child. I really do feel like it's hurtful to DH, so thanks for agreeing with me there.

 

Thanks again, everyone!  

post #48 of 50

We are experts at cheap dates, too! Besides child swaps, my mom is in the process of moving to our town, so she's in a couple of times a month, and we take full advantage of that! And she's happy as a clam to watch our boys so it works out. It's really wonderful that your dad is able to do the same :).

 

My husband is also paralyzed by stress. It's a tough spiral to get yourself out of. I'm an optimist so I believe our situation will improve and yours will too. So I wish you peace in the meantime. hug2.gif.

post #49 of 50
When I read your first post I was strongly on the side of don't ask for any money, but the more I read I'm leaning the other way. It sounds like your dh's family wants to help you but feel like they can't offer and are waiting for dh to ask. Your dh's feelings are hurt because his family gives the other siblings money and not him but they probably ask and you don't. I wouldn't ask for money to pay down your loans but if there is another way they can help why not ask. If it ends up being a problem you'll know to never do it again.

I have friends who get help from their families and I must admit it would be nice to have that option of asking for help when things get hard.
post #50 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngieB View Post

When I read your first post I was strongly on the side of don't ask for any money, but the more I read I'm leaning the other way. It sounds like your dh's family wants to help you but feel like they can't offer and are waiting for dh to ask. Your dh's feelings are hurt because his family gives the other siblings money and not him but they probably ask and you don't. I wouldn't ask for money to pay down your loans but if there is another way they can help why not ask. If it ends up being a problem you'll know to never do it again.
I have friends who get help from their families and I must admit it would be nice to have that option of asking for help when things get hard.

 



That is SO true ! Didn´t think of seeing it from that angle , but Angie is right ! If your family is willing to give , use your money to pay off your loans and what they are volunteering to make your live and that of your kids easier ! It doesn´t sound like they will put a guilt trip on you for it , so why not !

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