Most of the posts here about cheating seem to be about cheating husbands or boyfriends. I am looking for mamas who are the cheaters - because I am, and it's a lonely, crappy place to be. I get enough judgement from people I know who know about it, and I'm here because this forum is usually pretty supportive. I just feel like I'm going crazy and want to know other's experiences.
Long story short. I had an affair with a co-worker. So cliche! Anyway, it lasted about five months or so. I was pregnant at the time. Now he's gone from the company and I'm on maternity leave. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 3. The affair was the classic "the spark is gone" kind of thing but I love my husband and we do really well together. He's a wonderful man and an awesome father and I want to be married to him forever. BUT, I'm feeling really isolated and lonely in the aftermath. I have a five week old baby (who I am crazy in love with), and a 3-year-old (who I also love like crazy but he's 3 so it can be more difficult at times) and feel really cooped up and like I don't really have an outlet for my feelings. I don't have a lot of friends at my disposal. They all have kids too or are super pregnant or moving away... they are there for me but I don't want to bother them when they have so much going on. My husband and I talk about the affair, mostly our own feelings - we check in on each other, but he's dealing with his part of it and I'm dealing with mine. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to explode because I need to talk about everything that went down but I keep it inside.
I had promised not the see the other guy ever again, and not to have any contact. My husband had been monitoring my email and phone and texts and even reading my diary, which is really my only honest outlet for myself and what I'm thinking. He had promised not to read it anymore, but I knew he'd still monitor everything else. That bothered me, but it wasn't a big deal because I wasn't hiding anything. Until last week. I had a moment where I thought, "I have to talk to someone about what I'm feeling or I'm going to go crazy." So I called the other guy up. We met at a park, I told him that I was feeling bad, he said he felt bad too but what was he supposed to do? And I left. It was a five minute, pointless conversation, and a terrible idea to talk to him, and I don't know why he agreed to meet me. Nothing good came of it. But, stupid me, I wrote of the encounter in my journal and my husband read it. And now I feel like we're back in that panic-enducing (for me) stage of seperation. And I just don't know what to do. We're going to see our counselor again in two days, but I don't think he wants to stay together. I want to swear up and down that I would never do something so stupid ever again. But words don't mean a lot, it's my actions that count. I know I will never talk to/call/text/email the other guy again, but my husband doesn't believe me, and I can't fault him for that.
Anyway... I don't know what anyone could say about this but I am hoping at least part of this rings familiar with someone out there. Long story not so short.