I understand what you are feeling and what you went through with your first birthing situation. I am not currently pregnant again but I anticipate having similar feelings when I do become pregnant again.
My husband and I had our first child 5 weeks ago @ 42 weeks. Long story short we had a perfect pregnancy, planned a home birth with our midwife but ended up transferring to the hospital and had a healthy baby boy via, unplanned c section. We went through the gamete, had a horrible experience in triage (it was like they thought we were gypsy home birthers), then ended up with epidural to get some rest/pain, pitocin then section...all of which we were avoiding.
My husband and I wanted a natural birth and we both were always interested in home birth. When we found out we were pregnant we saw an OB/GYN that was highly recommended....I'm not sure why because we didn't have a warm and fuzzy experience our first visit. We continued to see the OB until week 20 to have the U/S. Everything was textbook perfect so we decide it was time to interview midwives that would attend home births.
I interviewed a few midwives over the phone and my husband and I had an in person interview with a midwife that was also a registered nurse, had a birthing center, has been doing home births for 20 years and took our insurance. We were looking for a more holistic approach but were comfortable with her clinical background, just in case something went a miss....boy was that a mistake (I will explain).
My hubby and I took the 12 week Bradley Mother natural birthing class and meet some wonderful like minded people in the natural/home birthing community. Our Bradley teacher was also a midwife and I was really taken by her expertise and approach to birthing. I was really close to transferring my care to her but her family moved farther away and she too became pregnant and reduced her client load (I should have asked her for a reccomendation to another midwife). Around week 35 I started to get the feeling that my midwife and I were not meshing...I wasn't getting the warm and nurturing feeling I imagined and that I got from our Bradley teacher. Also, all along she said her hospital transfer rate was 12%....I was OK with that until I found out from her on line forum that her transfer rate for 1st time moms was 40%...that's a huge difference. It makes me think she does not have faith in her first time moms. I almost asked our Bradly teacher for a recommendation but since we were so far along I decided to stay. That was a mistake...ALWAYS trust you instinct...especially your pregnant instinct.
I labored at home for 2 days before transferring to the hospital, it was a heavy 12 hour labor, then things tapered off for the next day until the next evening, we then labored heavy for another 12 hours. We didn't ask our midwife to come until the second night...she came to the house around 2am the second night of labor. When she arrived it seemed like she was just waiting for the baby to pop out. Was not nurturing or helpful with the the back labor. My husband and I were exhausted at that point and it would have been nice if she was supportive with suggesting different postures to relieve the back labor but instead around 5am she suggested we transfer to the hospital. We prolonged that for an hour then decided to go to get an IV in case I was dehydrated...an IV would help with my energy.
By time we got to the hospital at 7am hubby and I were emotionally drained and exhausted. Our midwife came but I asked her to leave around 1PM, at that time my mom was there. After the crappy service in triage the other hospital staff was really accommodating. We had a lot of questions and took a lot of time making decisions. I asked for a c section from the beginning because I had a feeling it would end up that way anyway and didn't want to go thought or put my baby through all the other interventions. The docs nicely suggested we try vaginally and I'm glad they did but in the end we had epidural, pitocin, I became dilated to 10cm, we pushed and pushed but baby was not descending. We ended up with a section.
Our little guy tolerated everything like a champ! His heart rate was very consistent. It was a concern when we broke my water of the meconium but it ended up not being an issue. After pushing I would have liked to rest for awhile and wait for my contractions to increase again but I became fevered so that was the final call for the section.
The surgery went well and baby is perfect...I should be happy, right?
Instead I was a complete emotional wreak for the first 2 weeks...I still get weepy from time to time. We had a hard time breastfeeding and that too bums me out.
When I do become pregnant again I will interview several more midwifes. Midwifes that specialize in VBACS and will come to my home. I will also want my midwife to be OK with me birthing vaginally if my next one is breech (just in case)...I know of women personally who had successful breech homebriths.
I suggest you do the same. You should be able to give your home birth another go, you deserve to birth your next one on your terms and the way you dream about. Maybe if you have a midwife present you wont be scared to give it a try at home. The worst that could happen is you transfer to the hospital and perhaps have another section but at least you tried. And it might be comforting to have a skilled midwife to help you and your hubby. Also, check out local home birth circles and meetings to attend.
I still think I could have birthed at home...with a little more support and perhaps another day to get baby in better position but that's not the way it turned out. Our first ones came into this world exactly the way they were supposed to, even if it was different than what we had in mind. This is the biggest lesson I've learned through my experience. It doesn't matter how much you plan, some things are out of your control. Please PM me if you want to talk. I wish you another beautiful pregnancy and the birth of your dreams:)