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Thanks for all your responses. This is really helping me deal with this issue! I appreciate your insight.
You are probably right. I imagine this could be part of the issue. The birth mother DID parent the little girl for 5 months and she is still very attached to her. They have an open adoption and the birth mother comes for visits about once a month or so (and sometimes she brings several members of HER family - her mom, sisters etc.). I can see it being difficult to bond with a child when their "original" family is still so involved and concerned. LIke, they probably feel like they're still just parenting someone else's kid.
I totally agree with this. Your sister-in-law is in an awkward position of not being able to be 100% mom to the little girl. There is still the looming threat that she could be taken away from your brother and sister-in-law since the adoption is not finalized. And what a terrible visitation situation. I feel like the bio-family has too much access for the new parents to be able to feel like she is their child and fully bond. (What is the bio mom's motivation in having so much visitation and bringing along other family members? Will she actually let your bro and SIL adopt? You have to know that your bro and SIL are asking themselves these things.) Your SIL might not even realize why she is having so much trouble bonding. The stress is just sort of always there on the back burner, simmering while you wonder if you will really get to "keep" your child. I can be almost positive that she is aware of the differences she is expressing between the two. Her heart just might be letting her "go there" w/ the chance of it being broken if the bio mom reneges.
We were having a similar situation w/ our 4 yr old. He is high needs which has made bonding very difficult on our end(it took him a yr and a half to attach to us as his parents.) We were scared we would never like being around him and would ask ourselves if we should really adopt.(he is the eldest of a sib set of 4) We loved him, but were always ripping our hair out around him due to his behaviors. I hated feeling so out of control w/ my irritation of his behavior, but I could never get myself to stop being irritated. I had a really hard time saying good things about him. With every step we took towards him really being ours, it got easier to deal w/ him. I felt the stress ease up w/ every official piece of paper we signed before the adoption. The last few days since we adopted have been soooo much better. I feel like a wall I didn't know existed around my heart has dropped. We don't have that looming fear of someone coming and taking the kids away, The loss of that stress I was carrying around has freed me up to be so much more giving and relaxed around him and really enjoy his company, even when he's bouncing off the walls. I honestly never expected to feel this way. I think my husband is feeling something similar. (I know some of what I said isn't popular, but it's honest. I think it might help the OP to see a little of what might be happening w/ her SIL.) I would tread lightly in what you say to your bro and SIL, OP.
My practical advice? Be as loving and involved w/ your niece when you see her as you want to be in the capacity of a loving aunt. I bet your SIL will appreciate someone loving on her baby while she struggles, even though she may not say it. It really helped me when my mom or someone else would take my guy and just play w/ him. They could just love on him w/out the baggage of the situation. When the adoption is final, if she still doesn't change, then I would have that talk w/ them as a concerned observer. Good luck.
They've had her 8 months and the adoption isn't final? That's a long time for a private adoption. Very standard for a foster-adoption, but not at all standard for a private adoption. Something is going on here.
OP - do you know why this adoption isn't finalized?
Ok! well I had a chance to speak to my brother. We have a good relationship and the conversation went really well. He knew I was coming from a place of concern for both his daughter and him and his wife (mostly his wife). He was so kind to let me preface what i had to say with a thousand disclaimers...he didn't get defensive or mad. Turns out him and my SIL are very much aware of the fact that they're having a hard time bonding with their daughter (duh!). He said his wife has cried herself to sleep over it, she feels like a terrible mother, she's mad at herself etc. They *know* they have a WAYYYY lower tolerance level for their daughter than they do for their son but....they're trying.
It was good to hear him say "yes, we're aware there is an issue" and ultimately I feel nothing but compassion for EVERYONE involved (I'm sad for them AND their daughter).
But, but, but,...I still feel uneasy about they way they treat her. I mean, I feel like it's just unacceptable. I feel like it's one thing to have a hard time bonding and another thing to be OUTWARDLY so expressive of that problem. They choose what words they speak to and about their daughter. Even if they are having a hard time bonding, can't they decide to choose nice words? Of course, that's all easy for me to say. I'm not in their situation.
I think for now, I am going to leave things as is. I think my brother is going to tell his wife we had a conversation...my hope is that it motivates her to seek help (therapy or at least someone she can talk to about this) and change their behaviour. Obviously they will bond with her and fall in love with her on their own time, but I really hope they become more aware of the words they say and ways they act towards her. I think hearing from someone "hey, I DO notice you don't kiss your daughter" is a big deal. I never wanted to make them feel bad, but maybe knowing other people around them can see the way they treat her will help them..."fake it till they make it"...? For all you mamas out there who've had a similar issue after adopting a child, I thank you for helping me understand a little more what they may be going through. (and i hope i haven't said anything totally clueless and offensive)
They've had her 8 months and the adoption isn't final? That's a long time for a private adoption. Very standard for a foster-adoption, but not at all standard for a private adoption. Something is going on here.
OP - do you know why this adoption isn't finalized?
I just found out, it is indeed final. Sorry, I just wasn't aware until I asked my brother yesterday. They threw a party for when their son's adoption was final so I kind of expected something similar for their daughter...guess not...
You're totally right, I definitely don't know how they are 24/7. I do see them often though, and usually for several days at a time (like morning till night) and I've been at their home with them too, so I feel like I have a pretty good idea...but you're still right.
My practical advice? Be as loving and involved w/ your niece when you see her as you want to be in the capacity of a loving aunt. I bet your SIL will appreciate someone loving on her baby while she struggles, even though she may not say it. It really helped me when my mom or someone else would take my guy and just play w/ him. They could just love on him w/out the baggage of the situation. When the adoption is final, if she still doesn't change, then I would have that talk w/ them as a concerned observer. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helped me feel more compassion for my SIL for sure, so thank you. (and congrats on your little guy!)
As for your suggestion though, my brother told me that for a while after their daughter was first placed with them, his wife couldn't help but be kind of "mad" at him for being able to cuddle and kiss their little girl when she couldn't bring herself to do it. I've also noticed that while I feel compelled to cuddle my niece and hold her and carry her whenever I'm around her I can tell it makes my SIL uncomfortable. She subtly finds ways to change what's going on or it's an awkward silence and she looks at me weird....as a result, I almost feel like I have to sneak kisses and hugs and cuddles from my niece. (I've babysat her for a few hours before and i just loved her to death the whole time).
Should I just continue on anyways? What do you think?
I have thought about this often and have already decided to have as close a relationship as i can with my niece. Thank you for your concern. She really is a helpless child. I also pray that my brother and his wife get through this difficult time and are able to treat her as the child of theirs that she is.
umm. oops. I didn't mean to use my usual username for this thread. I'm not sure how to re-do that last post undo the username I've been using for this...oh well? Just know that the information is private (you all do, I'm sure)...
I just wanted to say that this family is in a very bad place. I would not say anything. As others have said, I would just offer as much support as I could. I have a child who was very hard to bond with. I was my own worst critic. When people brought it up, I just felt even worse and had less patience. Having a child who easily bonds with you and then a challenge is so hard.
It isn't the child's fault! She is crying ~ her way of expressing need, and she is being ignored! I am glad you talked to your brother. Can you keep this thread updated?
Oh, also, the book The Science of Parenting is a really good read for all parents, but maybe esp. people who have adopted.
Glad to know they are aware but sad to know they are doing not much to help it.
Now I am not adopted but I am the easier one of twins. I was IGNORED my whole life as well as mean comments. It crossed over into every aspect of my life. Chores, presents, bday parties everything.
My grandmother saved me. SAVED ME. She died when I was 6 but when ever i was treated bad i always would remeber how much she loved me. My siblings now whine that she favored me but really she was trying to balance out my mom who had 3 kids. ITS much easier to take frustration out on the quiet easy kid because they dont give you much hassel. Like if me and my brother were fight ting I always got in trouble. Because it was easier. Maybe her high needs son is too much for her.
Can you be more of a part of your nieces life? Or even take your nephew to give your SIL and baby girl more time to bond without a needy toddler around.
I feel that this is much more common than your SIL realizes and not just among adoptive parrents. A second child can be overwhelming in a situation that was already on the verge.
Running a house hold with kids and a husband is rough.
Glad you got it out in the open with your brother, and that they're aware there's a problem. Now, to get them to get help for themselves!
Honestly, I wish someone had said something to me when DS was a baby. A few people did, but no one really was direct with me. Fortunately, I found this forum and it really helped me to see that there are a lot of people who have bonding issues. I thought it was just me.
And the more I read here, the more I realize that while some people are open to asking for help/admitting to their shortcomings, I notice a lot of posters who give GREAT advice and seem like they just have it all together and it's very helpful. And then it's even more helpful to recognize those user names in other threads where they admit to having done some decidedly un-AP/GD thing with their kids, and talk about how they got through their tough times. It's reassuring just to know that it (whatever IT is) is normal. But just b/c it's normal doesn't make it something that doesn't need to change.
I would suggest that she find a support group (live or online, or joining a forum like this one or one that focuses on adoption issues) and post. It's anonymous, so she can be totally open about her feelings and ask if anyone else is or has been where she is. She may find it helpful to see how many people post back with BTDT answers. I wish I'd had the courage to do that myself.
Anyone can change. And the girl's mother has been in tears about it ~ she obviously wants to change. Reading 'The Four Agreements' helped me to see that other people are all on their own journey and our only job is to show them love, whatever form that may take.
Why? Are her feelings less important? I don't think so, especially when it's those very feelings that are causing her to act in a way that is not best for her child, despite the fact that she wants what is best for her and can't seem to find a way to give it.
So many times on here new moms are given the advice to take care of themselves first b/c they are not going to be able to be as good a mom to their kids if they're not being good to themselves. This mom is not being good to herself or to her baby, and she needs to find a way to take care of both of them. Being judgmental toward her isn't going to help her feel better about her situation.
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