Any large families? Moms that do not believe in using birth control? - Page 2

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Busymom7100 

it's surprising how many women are compelled to explain why they didn't have more children. 

Its funny because there is a similar thread going on right now on the Adoptive and Foster Parenting board about others trying to justify (as if they have to!) why THEY "cant adopt" when they see a family with adopted children. For some reason some people feel like another person's decisions is somehow a comment on THEIR own decisions (like, if my kids are adopted, someone im thinking you should to? but really im not!)...no matter if its formula/breast, home/daycare i think people want affirmation of their own decisions or something. i dunno.

Often too, i think people are just surprised by the "unusual" and say stupid stuff in the moment without meaning to be offensive. Or they dont think about how it may be funny to THEM but its the 100th time you've heard that comment. My oldest has red hair and every.single.time we left the house he heard "where'd ya get that red hair??" or i'd get "does his father have red hair??" EVERY TIME WE LEFT THE HOUSE. people just dont think. I usually tried to think of them as being curious or making smalltalk rather than rude though.

[MarineWife]

We do homeschool but I only have 3 young ones. My oldest is an adult and I only have one school-aged child. I unschool so I don't feel the pressure of getting specific work done. I do sometimes get exhausted and overwhelmed with having my children with me all the time but they usually passes. Now that the baby is older I can get a few hours by myself here and there when my husband is not at work or my oldest agrees to watch the little ones for a bit.

[OkiMom]

I have a 5yo, a 3yo and a 1yo.. Im due early next month. Three (well soon to be ) girls and one boy.. We homeschool as well, although only my oldest does anything since shes my only school aged child. The other two hang out with us and my middle likes to join in on the "fun stuff" (aka art projects or anything she can get messy doing!).. There use to be a whole thread with mothers who don't use birth control but its no longer active unfortunately.

[dogretro]

Katherine, I have brown hair and am married to a man with blond hair. I have been asked if dd1's dad is blond since she is. Uhhh, duh, yes. Blonde hair, esp on kids, is not even unusual!

"Don't you know what causes that?"

"No, what?"

Either the convo will end there or continue..

"Sex."
"OH, is that it?! But my husband and I really like having sex with each other!"

"Don't you know what causes that?"
"Yup, and we're really good at it :) "

Are people shocked that a couple w/ lots of kids still has time for sex? Are they jealous? I've just never understood that comment, it's SO RUDE!

[queenofchaos]

It looks like a step on some toes, forgive me for that!  My comment sounds a lot like a generalization and I can seewhy it was taken the way it was, but what I meant was there are so many diverse ways of thinking/believing, what WOULD encourage someone to want a large number of children?  I did not mean that you can only cherish/welcome life, in whatever form, by believing in God. For instance, the party line in the US is "two children are acceptable, three the border and beyond that it is irresponsible and selfish".  Our society is very self-centered and every thing is disposable, even our pre-born and the elderly.  How do you fight that?  So what do you use as a moral compass, and how did you find it?  What life principles guide your decision making?  I think that is what is at the heart of my comment.  I am not sure if I have explained myself well enough.  Again, I am so sorry that it was taken some other way.

[~Adorkable~]

thanks for coming back to post, yeah wow it sure did ruffle feathers, but thankfully i think most folks knew or hoped you just misspoke. hugs

[MakingHome]

Originally Posted by HML2199 

Thank you all for your feedback!  Sorry it took me a while to come back - I'm pretty busy as you might imagine!  :)

I guess I am going to try to just let the comments roll off and not worry about it.  I mean, I know we are doing what is right for us and our family.   Even though it's hard for me to imagine only wanting one or two children (or none!), I would never comment on that to someone.  I understand that that is what is right for THEIR family, and this is what is right for us. 

Those of you with large families - do you homeschool?  I do, but am feeling overwhelmed with it lately.  We just started our new "school year" last week, but it's hard now that I have 3 kids of schooling age plus a 3 yo and newborn.    How do you keep everything organized and dedicate time to older kids while tending to younger kids/babies?   Part of me wants to start researching local Christian schools, BUT I just don't think we could find one that was in line enough with our beliefs plus their is the cost factor.  I'm hoping this is just a phase with me feeling overwhelmed b/c of a new baby and this will too pass and things will get easier.

Gotta run,  older kids need help with their workbooks and baby needs nursed.  phew!  It's 11:07am and I'm already tired! But very fullfilled too.  :)

Happy Mama of 5

DD - 8

DS - 6

DS - 5

DD - 3

DD - Brand new!

Hi there.  I think it gets easier around kid #5.  I don't mean the workload is easier, but people lay off with the comments, or else you just get used to it, or something, LOL.  :)

As for homeschooling, take it one day at a time.  The goal is forward progress.  Focus on the early essentials-- mechanics of reading and building a strong math foundation.  Reading excellent books together as a group can be a wonderful way to get in additional things like literature, science, history, etc.  Focus on, basically, these two things: (1) maintaining and encouraging their curiosity and (2) helping them make forward progress in the essentials.  The rest will come with time and independence on their parts.  If you have a nurturing, curious environment (for example, turning on National Geographic/Blue Planet/or a documentary about Lewis & Clark, rather than some dumb sitcom/cartoon/time-waster), with lots of wonderful books, and you focus on those 2 things (curiosity intact & building essentials), you will be developing LIFELONG learners who LOVE to research, learn, grow, have questions & answer them, etc.  That, for me, has been the focus.  Then, each year/season/whatever, I just examine what tools will best help me accomplish that.  At times, it's been almost entirely "good books" curricula (Sonlight), and at other times, we've used some Textbooky sort of things (Mystery of History, Saxon, etc.), and this year, we're doing almost entirely workbooks, because it serves our needs at this moment.  But in each season, we still have the same goals of never letting learning become rote/boring, always approaching life with curiosity and delight, continuing to grow in academic excellence, etc. 

[akind1]

We are stopping at 3 - but I agree with someone above that don't assume people are being rude, many of us are just curious - having kids (any, a small family, or a large family) is a choice in this day and age, and there aren't many who choose to have a large family. Here, most stop after 2. there are lots of families with three kids, and fewer with 4, those aren't terriby uncommon. Most with more than that are either Catholic or Quiverful (quiverful seeming to be more of a protestant mindset). I love seeing large families, and have several friends with 4+ kids. They are a wealth of knowledge and wisdom, and I love to tap into their wisdom. Alll the while being content with our decision to stop at 3. I WAH, DH is partly a SAHD, partly works OH as a massage therapist. if at some point I could SAH, we might expand our family with adoption. But with 3 babies in 4 years, I am ready to be done.

I say to those of you with many, answer honestly and with some humor. you might be surprised with the response you get.

[MakingHome]

Originally Posted by akind1 

I say to those of you with many, answer honestly and with some humor. you might be surprised with the response you get.

It's true.  Whenever I get all snippity (internally) about it, and give a curt answer, or whatever, it just eats at me and probably hacks off the person I'm talking with.  But when they say, "REALLY?  6 KIDS?  Are they ALL yours?"  And then I answer, "yup." with a grin, it diffuses it.  If they ask something (stupid) like "don't you know what causes that?" I'll say something like, "yeah, and we just keep doing what we're good at."  Or "yeah, it's a lot of fun. :) "  When I try to be lighthearted and not take it personally, it usually makes things light hearted and less serious... it also keeps them from being able to conclude that I'm either a bonafide saint or a certifiable lunatic, LOL.  They realize I'm just a normal gal, like them.

[limabean]

I have 2 kids, and I think I'm pretty considerate in my interactions with moms of many, because reading stuff on this board has made me sensitive to that stuff (thank you guys!). 

But I do want to chime in to say that with some of the big families I know IRL, the moms are the ones who frequently bring up how many kids they have and how "crazy" their life is as a result! So many of their sentences start with, "Well, with the craziness of 5 kids..." and so many of their Facebook posts involve a description of some chaotic situation followed by, "That's just life in a family of 7!" Which is totally fine, I'm just saying that sometimes people's perception of what it's like to have lots of kids comes from the mothers themselves. Not that that perception should then be extended to any large family, and comments about your sex life are completely inappropriate. 

[MakingHome]

Originally Posted by limabean 

But I do want to chime in to say that with some of the big families I know IRL, the moms are the ones who frequently bring up how many kids they have and how "crazy" their life is as a result! So many of their sentences start with, "Well, with the craziness of 5 kids..." and so many of their Facebook posts involve a description of some chaotic situation followed by, "That's just life in a family of 7!" Which is totally fine, I'm just saying that sometimes people's perception of what it's like to have lots of kids comes from the mothers themselves. 

Unfortunately, this is true. :( I have a Facebook friend like that, who seems to gripe while "informing"... it definitely does cast a pallor over large family life.  

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by limabean 

I have 2 kids, and I think I'm pretty considerate in my interactions with moms of many, because reading stuff on this board has made me sensitive to that stuff (thank you guys!). 

But I do want to chime in to say that with some of the big families I know IRL, the moms are the ones who frequently bring up how many kids they have and how "crazy" their life is as a result! So many of their sentences start with, "Well, with the craziness of 5 kids..." and so many of their Facebook posts involve a description of some chaotic situation followed by, "That's just life in a family of 7!" Which is totally fine, I'm just saying that sometimes people's perception of what it's like to have lots of kids comes from the mothers themselves. Not that that perception should then be extended to any large family, and comments about your sex life are completely inappropriate. 

I'm with you too, LImabean, in that I'm very happy to to discuss with various families regarding their joys of parenting large families. My sister and SIL both have five kids, and though I love and cherish my nieces and nephews, the conversations are ALWAYS about how easy I have it and how hard their lives are. I just want to have a normal conversation about parenting, but it more often than not turns into a competition. CatsCradle, how can you possibly know what it is like to really raise children? You only have one.

Honestly, I don't really care in the long term, but my anecdotal experience leaves me a bit jaded about the so-called joys when all I hear is how incredibly easy my life is. Um hmmm.

I know that not everyone feels this way, but in the converse it gets old sometimes when your own parenting experiences are undermined because of assumptions made about family size. No one seems to win, small or large.

[erigeron]

This stuff really baffles me. I don't know why people think it's any of their business how many kids other people have. Have zero or one or 10 if you want, it's no skin off my nose. Sheesh. 

In some ways, I'd like a big family. I don't know how I'll really end up feeling. My husband has agreed to 2 with an option on 3. Beyond that I might have an uphill battle. 

[Banana731]

We're atheists. I have 3 kids and will probably try have at least one more bio kid. But I'd love to have more than that, just maybe not BIRTH more than that

I want my kids to have their own tribe. Big families are awesome! Glad to hear about the PP who came from a non-Christian family of 8, because i was beginning to feel like an oddity...

I think, as others do, that most of the time, it's not meant to offend when people comment. They just are curious more than anything. I think light hearted comments back are probably best for everyone involved too.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by limabean 

I have 2 kids, and I think I'm pretty considerate in my interactions with moms of many, because reading stuff on this board has made me sensitive to that stuff (thank you guys!). 

But I do want to chime in to say that with some of the big families I know IRL, the moms are the ones who frequently bring up how many kids they have and how "crazy" their life is as a result! So many of their sentences start with, "Well, with the craziness of 5 kids..." and so many of their Facebook posts involve a description of some chaotic situation followed by, "That's just life in a family of 7!" Which is totally fine, I'm just saying that sometimes people's perception of what it's like to have lots of kids comes from the mothers themselves. Not that that perception should then be extended to any large family, and comments about your sex life are completely inappropriate. 

My experience has been the opposite! Maybe i just dont know enough large families, but i "know" several online (most of whom have many adopted kids in addition to bio) and the moms seem so joyful, organized, the kids sound so involved and respectful and i often think "sheesh, she sure can keep it together with 14 kids! i can barely manage with four and one is not even living here with me!"

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by queenofchaos 

It looks like a step on some toes, forgive me for that!  My comment sounds a lot like a generalization and I can seewhy it was taken the way it was, but what I meant was there are so many diverse ways of thinking/believing, what WOULD encourage someone to want a large number of children?  I did not mean that you can only cherish/welcome life, in whatever form, by believing in God. For instance, the party line in the US is "two children are acceptable, three the border and beyond that it is irresponsible and selfish".  Our society is very self-centered and every thing is disposable, even our pre-born and the elderly.  How do you fight that?  So what do you use as a moral compass, and how did you find it?  What life principles guide your decision making?  I think that is what is at the heart of my comment.  I am not sure if I have explained myself well enough.  Again, I am so sorry that it was taken some other way.

I guess I'm a little confused by this. Wouldnt someone have lots of kids because they really like kids? Or at least like the feeling of having a large family? I guess i dont see our society as "self centered and disposable" and even though i am not a christian (i woudnt necessarily say i'm an atheist but perhaps skeptical nonbeliever....) i dont see the "preborn as disposable" as you say, and my sister and i have spent the past 9 years caring for our totally disabled 80 yr old mother to keep her out of a nursing home.

Why did i want to have lots of kids? Because i love the feeling of being in a room full of my siblings, all of us falling over each other's conversations to get a word in edgewise. i love having those conversations about our childhood together (although it doesnt always work that way....my oldest brother was already married by the time i was born so i have lots of sibs much older than me and im the youngest) I love the fact that there is always someone else to call to chat or if i need something. I'm glad i have my sisters to help out with my mom so we CAN keep her at home, i'm glad i have one brother i can go to for car advice and another to sit and talk when we go to lunch. Unfortunately my parents didnt really keep a close relationship with extended relatives so even though i had grandmas, aunt/uncles and tons of cousins we didnt see them that often. But i've been able to connect with some adult cousins via fb. My parents grew up in large families (and other than going to church like everyone else did in their area in the 1930s/40s i dont think were raised particularly religious) and thats just what they were comfortable with i guess. Although i dont think any of my parents' siblings had as many kids as they did. I think my mom would have kept having babies but i was born when she was 41 so...

My oldest child was an only child for the first 11 years of his life, then i adopted a newborn. So he still is essentially an only child as he moved to live with his dad a couple of years ago (and now is off at college) One of the biggest regrets of my life is not adopting or birthing another child when my son was much much younger so he'd have a sibling to grow up with. I think his life would have been a lot different. That has more to do with "only child" issues than "big family" issues though.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 


I'm with you too, LImabean, in that I'm very happy to to discuss with various families regarding their joys of parenting large families. My sister and SIL both have five kids, and though I love and cherish my nieces and nephews, the conversations are ALWAYS about how easy I have it and how hard their lives are. I just want to have a normal conversation about parenting, but it more often than not turns into a competition. CatsCradle, how can you possibly know what it is like to really raise children? You only have one.
Honestly, I don't really care in the long term, but my anecdotal experience leaves me a bit jaded about the so-called joys when all I hear is how incredibly easy my life is. Um hmmm.
I know that not everyone feels this way, but in the converse it gets old sometimes when your own parenting experiences are undermined because of assumptions made about family size. No one seems to win, small or large.

I  have three, so I'm in the middle, I guess... but personally I think any number has their challenges.  I look back and think how easy having one child was (or watch my friends with just one be able to take them all over the place and I'm jealous) because when I had one child, she was less than 18 months old!  and an easy child.  Easy Peasy.  Or I think about how easy it would be to do homeschooling stuff with my oldest without my other two sprinting around screaming or whatever... but then my friends with one have other challenges surrounding just having one that I don't have (i.e. my kids have built in "playmates" and whatnot).  I think more often someone with more kids thinks "wow, my life would be so much easier with fewer" just because in their mind  they only subtract their own hardships and maybe don't add the ones that might come with the change.  I seriously think things might be easier in some ways if I had one more, because then no child would be the "third wheel" and thus the odd man out... there'd always be someone to play with/talk to... and moreso with more kids.  Because as it is, two of them tend to play together and leave the third hanging.  But then, when I only had two, they were locked in with playing with just that one other person (you know, besides on playdates) and there seemed like there was more animosity... Anyway, after all this rambling, I'm just saying that every parent deals with challenges, but we don't always consider what challenges would come with fewer kids... we (general we) aren't really always putting ourselves fully in the other person's shoes, even when we think we are. 

[akind1]

I think the comment about society being selfish and considering the old and young (preborn, etc) to be disposable was a general comment to society at large, and not meant directly at anyone in particular. And I think it's not completely off base. Having worked in nursing homes I can attest to the fact that many people do seem to think that the elderly are not valuable or valued, or respected. Just a nuisance. and that is very sad. As for the preborn . . . that's another story, but I think most women that might choose to terminate a pregnancy give it a lot of thought, and don't go through that lightly. (I am sure there are those that don't, just as I know there are plenty of people that love, value, and respect the elderly)

Just wanted to chime in to not maybe take every comment as a personal affront.

And you know, I think there are people who have large families that maybe love children in general, and maybe thought having a big family was a good idea, but get overwhelmed in the midst of the chaos that a large family can have.

Any route you choose, no matter how many kids you have, or don't have, there are bound to be challenges.

My first would probably love to be an only child, he's very attached and clingy, and loves solo time with people. But I also thing siblings are a great thing for him - it keeps him humble and teaches him selflessness, which is a very good thing.

[Asiago]

I have not read through the thread but do have a comment. From what I have read, humans have long had families of 4-5 children. Today in traditional societies in which people have children 3-5 years apart (4-5 years apart from hunter gather times) 5 children is not uncommon.  From what I understand, the commercialization of formula as well as birth control, had heavy influence on fertility, and therefore family size, in western culture in the last century. A lot has changed in the past century or so.

I actually view this as a very difficult century in which to have children. We seem to be bridging centuries and so much has changed for the last one hundred years of humanity.

In the 1800's no one would bat an eye at nursing a three year old and now it seems verboten. Before the 20th century, 5-6 children would seem common (actually it went from 7 children to 3.5 between 1800-1900).

Edited by Asiago - 9/11/12 at 5:19pm

[phathui5]

In the 1800's no one would bat an eye at nursing a three year old and now it seems verboten. Before the 20th century, 5-6 children would seem common (actually it went from 7 children to 3.5 between 1800-1900).

I was clearly born in the wrong century.