unsupportive husband

[purpledragonfly]

Hi all, 

I'm just wondering if anyone would have any advise for me.  We are expecting our 2nd child for March 2013, and I really don't want to go to the hospital - don't like all the people/noise/activity/unnecessary interventions I will have to encounter there.  I really want to give UC a try, at home.  But my husband refuses to even consider it.  I just need ideas on how to try to get him to understand my point of view, to get him to see how important my comfort and relaxation and environment are to the outcome of the birth.  Anyone every been in a similar situation?  Please Help!!!

[Adaline'sMama]

There are a bunch of back threads on this forum that have people asking similar questions.

I tell almost everyone the same thing- While it's your body, youre the one birthing, and it's you're comfort- it's his baby too. IMO, both parents need to be on board for birthing choices.

Welcome to MDC, and congrats on your pregnancy :)

[Sharlla]

an acquaintance of mine wanted to have a UC, she went into labor at home and her DH called 911!  she refuse a transport and they couldnt legally make her go so she had her baby at home anyway
 

[katelove]

A hospital birth and a UC at are really opposite ends of the spectrum. I can understand why your husband is reluctant. Would a homebirth with a midwife be an acceptable compromise for you both?

If not then I guess I would start by finding out what his concerns are in as much detail as possible. I imagine that, if I was a husband with no birthIng experience, I might be worried that something would go wrong and I would have to deal with it without knowing how. So I'd want to know what the plan was if my partner had excessive bleeding or the baby required assistance with breathing. That's just an example from my imagination but if you know exactly what your husband's concerns are then you can address them specifically as well.

[darkblue0729]

Welcome to MDC! There is still plenty of time for your DH to come on board with you doing UC...ultimately the choice where you birth is yours, but I would honor his feelings and offer him lots of good info on unassisted childbirth so he isn't picturing you in a hut screaming, lol. You could explain to him why it means so much to you, explain the reasoning behind your feelings and decisions, and explain that him not being supportive is adding additional stress. Would a doula or a homebirth midwife on call just in case be an amicable option? In the end I hope that you are able to have th birth you want and that your DH is able to support you wholeheartedly!! Good luck mama!

[babymonster]

Yes, you need to find out what his specific concerns are, then find information to address them.  I think most DH's feel the same when the topic of UC is first brought up.

My DH really enjoyed reading "Emergency Childbirth" even though I didn't really rate it.  I guess it covered the basics in an easy to understand and practical way.

[Millie Ivy]

I agree that finding out his concerns specifically are a good place to start, and looking at how to compromise so you both feel safe.  I would for sure consider meeting in the middle and hiring a midwife, there are a lot of great ones out there, and you can stick to your guns about how much you want her involved, etc.

[purpledragonfly]

Hey, thanks everyone for your encouragement to make the decision together.  I'm waiting for an appropriate time to bring up the subject, and I hope he's open about his feelings and also hope he understands mine!  I hope this will be a journey together for both of us to become more knowledgeable about birth and UC, and learn to handle any possible (and unlikely) complications that may arise. I'll try to keep you posted.

[alaskanmomma]

Have you considered a homebirth with a midwife instead of UC if DH is uncomfortable with it?

[purpledragonfly]

There's only one part-time midwife around where I live (Manitoba), so its next to impossible to get on with her.  I called as soon as I suspected I was prego, and was still too late!  Talk about ridiculous!  Does anyone know of a non-registered midwife in Manitoba?????  We would definitely be open to an option like that! But as it stands right now all we've got is hospital or UC.

[MotheringBliss]

Seems like it boils down to accountability and how much either of you are willing to defer to others....ehhh...preferably with minimal regrets  

Obvious to you maybe, but to him, the expectations of all a partner's role entails is probably quite daunting if not totally overwhelming considering time, energy, & logistical constraints.

Remembering that feelings about your plans & intentions are much easier to alter than emotions surrounding (past) experiences may help put things in perspective.  So, agreeing upon realistic expectations based on guesstimated stress limit factors, can map the emotionally loaded labyrinth minefield of ultimate responsibility. 

Just for fun, play out possible "what if" scenarios using non-violent communication or violent communication for that matter   anything beats non communication 

Is he a light-hearted type?  Build his confidence with Ad Lib style multiple choice birth stories.  Visionary?  Try improv role playing.  What inspires, nurtures, & moves him?  Got power struggle issues?  Try Takeninhand.com for restructuring your dynamics.  Time to get creative and find a way to connect with him!  You've got less than 6 months to cram & plan... 

Find your comfort/doable zone somewhere between full responsibility and (forgiveness) of a possible fatality, and trusting others to influence/create a positive outcome for and with you.  

Personally, we would rather deal with our own fallibility, and hold ourselves accountable for all possibilities, than to wonder why we thought someone else could act as a better safety net. 

Especially when regrettable/preventable stuff happens, we always feel worse if it resulted from someone else's actions or influence.    That's just us though...

The considerable amount of research and preparation has been well worth it to us. Not to mention all the hilarious/hysterical/bonding times to be had!  

Soak up the immense wisdom of these passionate women  http://www.wombconference.com/   Keep your motivational drive high!  

[emmagrace]

Purpledragonfly -- I'm wondering if you got this sorted?

I'm 33 weeks with my first baby, and planning a homebirth with a CPM.  While my husband wasn't thrilled with the idea of homebirth at first, he never said "no" and eventually came around to the idea when he listened to me and my feelings about it.  I don't personally feel comfortable with UC, but I definitely see the appeal, and if I planned a hospital birth, I could honestly see myself refusing to go when the time came (I REALLY hate hospitals).  

I really hope you've come to some sort of compromise, or that your husband has warmed to your feelings about this birth.  I know that if I didn't feel supported by my husband, it would make me feel sad and stressed about the birth, but also that I wouldn't feel right about having a hospital birth just because he wasn't comfortable.  I hope it's worked out!

[purpledragonfly]

Hey, well my husband and I had a heart to heart discussion about me wanting to UC, He's still not totally OK with the idea, but we can't find a midwife and he knows how I feel about hospitals, so the decision was made that we would have our baby at home, unassisted.   I would love for him to at least read a couple books on the subject to make him more OK with the idea, but he's so busy that thats not going to happen.  So right now I'm just super, super excited about the upcoming birth, and that I'll be able to have the baby at home where I feel safe and comfortable.  He'll just go with the flow and take things as they come.  I know we'll have a lovely, uncomplicated birth and he'll see how intimate and special birth is when outsiders are not present, and then hopefully be more on the same page as I am when we have our next baby!  

[eknuckles]

My husband was totally supportive for me to UC, but he did get a little nervous right before my Edd. I showed him a youtube video of a woman giving birth unasissted and he was like....that's it? Oh we got this!
So if he is a man with little time, a short video might help!!

[Voondrop]

I am enjoying the videos, not just the free birthing ones which do give a feeling of confidence but gynecology teaching videos that show different methods to use for breech presentations, dystocia, etc. A lot of husbands are simply empowered by mechanical & technical science since they don't really get the intuitive side of it.
 

[fayebond]

Originally Posted by eknuckles 

So if he is a man with little time, a short video might help!!

+1

 I think my DH saw both the information side and the emotional side of it.  Communication was really key for us, and we did settle on a HBMW, but that's what we BOTH wanted.  Maybe look in the find your tribe section of this site, they might have more info?  Or the homebirth page, if its still a convern for DH. If nothing else,  I hope your UC goes really beautifully and we get to hear about it when the new baby arrives!!

Edited by fayebond - 11/7/12 at 11:01am