Custody arrangements regarding travel

[bu's mama]

Hi all - so many new faces. I haven't been around in forever it seems.

I was looking for some advice/language about what you have in your custody agreements regarding out of state/overnight travel.  We've been separated for 6 years, & he was involved with every other weekend, Wed nights, one trip on Labor Day weekend to visit family out of state - no more, no less.  In our agreement it just says to provide an itinerary for out of state travel.

A little background...This has been the first summer that my x & I have alternated weeks (been apart for 7 years) & he's only ever taken her away for that Labor Day trip, but now with a new fiance he has begun traveling with dd (10 yo) & refusing to disclose the information to me.  I wanted to keep it flexible since I like to travel with dd, sometimes last minute, but I've always provided details & contact info. He doesn't think that this is necessary.  A couple of weeks ago I spoke to dd on the phone and she told me that they were leaving that day to go out of state for 5 days on a trip that was planned at least a month in advance.  He emailed me where they were staying after I talked to dd.

He has become totally unreasonable and refuses to talk to me, about anything so I told him we have to go back to a mediator to hammer this issue out (which he doesn't want to do either until I pointed it out in our divorce agreement).

I want to be informed about where my dd is, but I also don't want to shoot myself in the foot my creating something so restrictive.  For example, I don't want to put in consent of the other parent because I think he'll say no to things just to be difficult.

What do you all have in your agreements about travel?

tia

[zebra15]

I have full custody and ex has no visitation.  When ex had visitation it wasn't for more than a few hours at a time.  I was the one who did vacations etc.  

I would think if you are going to require your ex to give notice or info about travel then you are going to need to give that same notice/info to him.  Assuming my ex was a reasonable person I would be fine with something like "we are going to city xyz and will be back in 3 days"  I most likely have email and cell phones for everyone. I really don't want/need hotel and itinerary info for their trip, nor do I want to share my vacation info with ex.

[GoBecGo]

We don't have an agreement.

XP sees DD 4 times a week, two school-pick-ups and dinner here with us, and then Saturday evening all-day-Sunday at his.  

When we go away (he's never taken her away though he has the option, it's just not in his finances) i tell him as soon as i know when and where we'll be going, but not the address of the place or anything.  He has mine and OH's mobile numbers and we generally call daily or every other day-ly so DD can talk to him.  I would expect the same if he took her away - to know where she is and for him to be in touch if possible when he was away.  If we took her abroad and it made keeping in touch harder i'd probably give him full details of where we'd be staying (address and numbers) and try to email him to stay in touch.

I would just say to your ex you have NO issues with him taking her away, and you've no intention of changing anything to require consent or anything like that, you just want to continue to know where she is as you have in the past.  

[hillymum]

Ex has eow and one evening every other week. It is written that we have to inform each other of travel arrangements, address and contact information. His 3 weeks are the same weeks every summer so when is not an issue. There really isn't much I can do to enforce he keeps me informed other than threats to let my attorney know, which at $300 an hour I really do not want to do!

[Kate&Joey]

I have full custody, but XH has monthly visitation rights.   He has the right to alternate with me for Spring Break, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  He also has the right to two weeks in the summer.  Technically, he is not supposed to remove DS from my home state, although I haven't enforced that in the past.  XH is supposed to give me two weeks advance written notice prior to visitation, with a trip itinerary.

DH's agreement is more specific.  Both he and his XW must give written notification five days prior to taking DSD out of state.  They both provide the address and phone number, although mobile #s are sufficient.  They both usually ask for flight information as well, if applicable.

So far, his XW has pulled one "impulse trip" and taken DSD out of state with only about 24 hours notice.  We figured it wasn't worth complaining about it this time since it was only for a couple of days and didn't interfere with his usual parenting time.

HTH!

[bu's mama]

Thanks Mamas!  I find it helpful to have some other perspectives.  Basically, I'm the one who has traveled & always provided info as a courtesy & what I would want to know.  I also like to plan things last minute some times, but again always have provided info as soon as it is arranged.  Now that he has begun taking her on trips I've had to ask for info repeatedly from him & then he pulled this latest deal where he knew about the trip for at least a month & refused to disclose that info to me until dd told me.  I feel like I have to set some boundaries.  Anyhoo - here's what I wrote (oh, he also refuses to talk to me so it's all by email )...

I do not have a problem with either of us traveling with H during our respective custody times, but rather a problem with the purposely withholding of information regarding that travel.  I do not want to have to have it necessary for consent of the other parent to travel out of state, but there needs to be more information exchanged than is happening currently.

The parent traveling has to give the other at least 30 days notice of out of state travel, or immediately if less than 30 days, unless there is an emergency.

The traveling parent will provide the other parent with specific dates of the trip, locations and contact phone numbers at least 5 days before travel.

The traveling parent, not H, should provide this information.

[Kate&Joey]

Originally Posted by bu's mama 

The traveling parent, not H, should provide this information.

This is the most important part!  The child should not be the go-between for the parents...and I know you know this.  :-) 

[bu's mama]

Thanks mamas!

Originally Posted by Kate&Joey 

This is the most important part!  The child should not be the go-between for the parents...and I know you know this.  :-) 

Oh, I do.  I'm just tired of all the crap.  He's really turned into such a the past year.  I really try to let a lot of this roll off my back & I can't really legislate his behavior but felt I had to set some boundaries with this issue.

His excuse that it's not his fault if dd comes home happy to talk about where they might be going and it's 'good for her' to tell me things