In a relationship, having a baby but not living together??? « Back to Group Discussions

[lakell22]

So again I'm seeking you wise women for advise...
Does everyone find it strange to be actively in a good relationship. with someone, having a baby in a few weeks but not be able to live together?

I'm having a huge time accepting the fact that my bf and I can't live together until I return to work bc he cannot afford a place with his salary alone right now...
I am on the verge of upset bc we talked about raising this baby together... he talks about how he's gna love waking up at night to feed and bond with the baby yet just had a conversation with me saying how.he can't afford it right now and asking me to give him a little more time. that he wants to be there for us... but how the hell is that gna happen with us living separately! !!
I moved in with my mom to a one bedroom when I had to stop working so he can't come here, and he lives in a 3 bedroom with his aunt who's only there once a month... and his mom who only comes over on the weekends...so my family is shocked as to why I can't live in his house until we're able to get something together so we can raise this baby together!
my fam and I guess isee it too that he's not supporting us like he should.. he doesn't help me pay for my health ins I had to get when I found out I was pregnant, he hasn't offored anything really and he has not been to one appointment bc of "work" which I think is an excuse...
do I have a right to feel angry, unsupported and like ill be raising this baby alone? we never argue at all, we get along great, he says hes more than happy, says he loves me ( yet only sees me once a weekk! (what is he planning to do in 7 weeks.. visit thr baby and I once a week still???)
so am I right, or making this bigger than I should?

[franjapany]

uhmmmmmm... honest opinion? I think you are absolutely right to feel that way! he obviously isn't committing himself to you and your baby! Saying he loves you when only seeing you once a week? He may very well love the easy arrangement he has going with you at the moment. Hardly any responsibilities there, if I'm not mistaken. Neither financially nor relationship wise, nor as a soon to be father. Sorry to be playing devil's advocate here, but if he wanted to make it work, he would find a way. I think it'S high time that you stopped letting him treat you like a convenient little fantasy. You are real, your baby is real and you have real needs and he can either chose to meet them or not. Sounds like he needs to do some waking up.

I really honestly hope you guys can work things out SOON! bc the baby is going to be here soon and things won't get any easier.

all the best to you!
 

[sere234]

Hugs!!! This sounds very tough to be going through while you are growing and preparing to birth a baby. And I most certainly do NOT think you are making it a bigger than than it really is! I tend to agree with Franjapny and think he needs to face up to his responsibilities and stop making excuses. Is there any way you can go to a counselor and talk this through? Or a trusted, neutral family member or friend? 

[lakell22]

you ladies are very right! my sister has tried to knock some sense into him but all that happeneds every time is he says " u are right, I'm sorry and I'm gna proove to you that this is what I want and I'm gna work my butt off to do it and see u more, do for u," its all a nice talk but nothing ever happendd ..so I bring it up again months later and we have the same conversation and nothing again! its like he paints me a pretty picture just to make me happy and shut me up in the mean time!
I wish I could use the excuse that he is new to this and he doesn't know what to do... but he's got 2 kids already from a previous 6 year relationship! I don't know what else I can do
last we talked 5 days ago... I told him if ur gna leave us to fend for ourselves and have me raise her alone then ill do that and I don't need to call u a boyfriend simply for the name! and he saod he can't believe I was leaving him just bc he can't get me my place... and if that's what I wanted then he wouldn't be able to change my mind... what he doesn't get is that I'm not throwing a fit bc i didn't get my little place... its bc with that he's basically telling me I'm gnai be the pne to do a rll the work of raising her by myself and with a planned c section and raising my other two youbg girks with no help from their dad ....at that! its gna be too hard
so since that talk five days ago... I've not heard from him lol :'(
wellllllll looks like I'm officially screwed :'(

[Momto2Annie]

Honest opinion from a girl who has been through a similar situation (me)... Get all your ducks in a row to raise this baby on your own... figure out paperwork to establish paternity immediately, find out how soon you can start claiming child support and move forward as though you are a single mama! He can promise you things until his face turns blue, but until he takes ACTION, all he's giving you are words.  I stayed with a man who promised me the moon for 6 years... 2 kids later, separated almost 3 years ago, and I still don't get a dime from him, and his visitation with the kids is only at times that are convenient for him.  Hopefully, your man will follow through and be a wonderful partner for you, but, plan NOW as though you're on your own... just so you have everything ready and don't have to add to your stress once the baby is born!!! I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but some men just aren't ready to grow up, no matter how high the stakes are.

[katelove]

I agree with the others I'm afraid, no evidence of a willingness to commit there at all. I can't even begin to imagine a serious relationship where I only spoke to my partner once a week (barring extenuating circumstances like military service or something).

I would also start preparing to be a single parent to this baby and not expect anything g frm him. That way anything you do get will be a bonus :-)

I'm sorry you have this to deal with. Welcome to the November DDC.

[lakell22]

Yeah, I'm more than disappointed and extremely sad and a little upset but I do have to keep going and doing for my babies without anyone...
Thank you ladies for all your imput, I really appreciated!!!!

[Bmorefarmgirl]

Originally Posted by lakell22 

Yeah, I'm more than disappointed and extremely sad and a little upset but I do have to keep going and doing for my babies without anyone...
Thank you ladies for all your imput, I really appreciated!!!!

Please please please, make a list of people in your life who love you and show it with deeds and actions and plan to lean on them. I know that by "without anyone," you meant without your boyfriend, but you shouldn't have to do this alone. You and your baby will be so much better off if you have someone (or lots of someones!) to lean on, whether it's answering questions about breastfeeding or someone to run to the store for you or sit with the baby for half hour so you can take a bath and relax for a minute.

I agre with what everyone else said. But my advice would be don't make this a time of putting up walls or hardening yourself for a fight. Use these next 7 weeks to open up to the people in your life and ask for help.

[franjapany]

[PacificMar]

What a hard situation; my heart and thoughts are with you. Bmorefarmgirl has an excellent point about marshaling the energies of supportive people in your life, both in the sense of positive regard for you and in the concrete sense (meals, household and childcare, etc.) Parenthood is a community effort and none of us should have to go it alone. Please don't hesitate to ask for help...it's essential, and true supporters will be honored to provide it.