Pressure to wean

[Phycologia]

I don't know if this is in the right place. 

I am still nursing my 15 month old and plan on doing so until about 2. It's going fine and I think its necessary since DS refuses to drink cow's milk and would just fill up on water (he LOVES water) if I stopped nursing. He's had some weight gain issues so I worry about that.

The problem is that I cannot stand any kind of foreplay involving my breasts. It's been negatively affecting our sex life. Our marriage is very rocky and we are both trying to work on it by making a conscious effort to meet each other's needs more. DH has been doing great, but I know one of his primary needs is a satisfying sex life and I feel like it's hard to give him that when I take away his favorite thing.

Anyway, he's brought up weaning several times and he usually agrees when I tell him my reasons to wait until 2. But it keeps coming up and it's this cloud hanging over us.

We believe that the relationship between man and wife is the primary relationship in a family and so I feel like that should take precedence. But I don't know how I would even go about weaning without DS losing calories. And he will probably be our only child so I hate the idea of weaning prematurely.

If there was a way to not feel so uncomfortable with foreplay that would be ideal. I thought about using some benzocaine on my nipples before sex since DS STTN long enough for it to wear off. Crazy or are there some other ideas?

[MichelleZB]

Wow... he can't just, you know survive with the countless other things you can do in bed for one more year? Like, kissing, massages, blow jobs, cunnilingus, multiple positions, anal sex, mild bondage, outfits, dirty talking, I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas the things he could easily have all year. But no, he must diddle your nipples at the expense of your son's nutrition?

Is there more to this story? Or is he being as unreasonable as it seems?

I'm sorry about your nipples. I haven't experienced the same nipple touching aversion, though I've only nursed so far for 8 months.

[skycheattraffic]

I totally hear you about being touched out, especially when it comes to the breast/nipple. I have a 17 month old and she nurses a lot, especially overnight. DH and I are in the middle of a drought too but more based on my physical and mental exhaustion than anything else. I don't know how things are for you, but I need a bit of time to find myself after giving so much to baby before I can really focus on DH. If you don't already, try to carve out some time to yourself to get energized and interested again each week. The next thing for me is that I need a little one on one time with DH to reconnect as adults - away from laundry, dishes, toys, interruptions, etc. We try to do a date night once a month to reconnect. If those things are in place then I'm much more likely to be receptive to his interest when DD is sleeping. The other thing though is that he respects the new, temporary boundaries. He can touch, etc my breasts, but the nipples are off limits for now. It's not ideal for him OR for me but it was a compromise we can both agree to without resentment. We came up with this while DD was an infant after he unintentionally triggered a letdown lol. He wasn't grossed out by it but it was too weird for me so we made this new deal and we are both reasonably happy with it.
FWIW, weaning is not an option for us. I love BFing too much and he doesn't want resentment over it. We both went into parenthood knowing there were going to be many sacrifices to be made. We both want more physical intimacy but for now this is how things are. Our DD is only this young once and her needs are very important. I do agree that the relationship between mom and dad is the foundation of the family but it is my opinion that my daughter needs my nipples more than my husband. He has access to the other 99% of my body, and being a rational adult, he can handle this limitation. A child under 2 is not very rational at all and can't understand things to the same degree.
Also, FYI weaning may actually hinder your sex life if your DS takes it hard. If he wakes at night, you might have a much harder time getting him back to sleep for starters. He may become more clingy or get sick more often. Has your DH considered the fallout weaning him early might produce? He may be risking "imperfect" sex for no sex at all. I think it would be more beneficial for the two of you to reconnect on an emotional and intellectual level. As pp said, there are a million things you can do together that don't involve nipple stimulation.

[Phycologia]

Originally Posted by MichelleZB 

Wow... he can't just, you know survive with the countless other things you can do in bed for one more year? Like, kissing, massages, blow jobs, cunnilingus, multiple positions, anal sex, mild bondage, outfits, dirty talking, I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas the things he could easily have all year. But no, he must diddle your nipples at the expense of your son's nutrition?

Is there more to this story? Or is he being as unreasonable as it seems?

I'm sorry about your nipples. I haven't experienced the same nipple touching aversion, though I've only nursed so far for 8 months.

Well, he is a boob man. Always has been. Not to be overly share-y but he has a few "technical issues" without being able to do that.

I guess that he is far more exposed to the mainstream view that he doesn't feel like it's necessary for DS to continue nursing. And frankly, while it is what is best for him, he'd do fine without it. Millions and millions of kids are weaned before 2 and they turn out perfectly normal. So to him, it's like "my wife is insisting on this outrageously crunchy and kind of weird thing that even the doctor says is totally unnecessary, even if it means neglecting my needs. I am doing everything I can to meet DW's needs to help save our rocky marriage, why can't she do the same?" And if I came at it from that angle it would hurt a bit, too.

That's why I'd prefer to stay away from attacking him as a father by telling him he doesn't care about our son's nutrition. He isn't forceful or mean about it, he just seems hurt and resigned when I explain that weaning isn't going to happen just yet.

That is a good idea to start thinking of other unexplored ways to meet DH's needs in the bedroom, though. I have some lingerie that I haven't pulled out since our honeymoon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skycheattraffic 

Also, FYI weaning may actually hinder your sex life if your DS takes it hard. If he wakes at night, you might have a much harder time getting him back to sleep for starters. He may become more clingy or get sick more often. Has your DH considered the fallout weaning him early might produce? He may be risking "imperfect" sex for no sex at all. I think it would be more beneficial for the two of you to reconnect on an emotional and intellectual level. As pp said, there are a million things you can do together that don't involve nipple stimulation.

Excellent point that I never thought of. DS loves his nursing and while I'm sure he'd recover just fine from weaning if I did it with love and gentleness, I know it would be a miserable transition for everyone. We are so grateful that he STTN because it gives us a few hours of free time together in the evenings. Losing that would definitely harm our marriage more than a little lost foreplay would.

 

Thanks!

[MichelleZB]

Originally Posted by Phycologia 

Well, he is a boob man. Always has been. Not to be overly share-y but he has a few "technical issues" without being able to do that.

I guess that he is far more exposed to the mainstream view that he doesn't feel like it's necessary for DS to continue nursing. And frankly, while it is what is best for him, he'd do fine without it. Millions and millions of kids are weaned before 2 and they turn out perfectly normal. So to him, it's like "my wife is insisting on this outrageously crunchy and kind of weird thing that even the doctor says is totally unnecessary, even if it means neglecting my needs. I am doing everything I can to meet DW's needs to help save our rocky marriage, why can't she do the same?" And if I came at it from that angle it would hurt a bit, too.

That's why I'd prefer to stay away from attacking him as a father by telling him he doesn't care about our son's nutrition. He isn't forceful or mean about it, he just seems hurt and resigned when I explain that weaning isn't going to happen just yet.

That is a good idea to start thinking of other unexplored ways to meet DH's needs in the bedroom, though. I have some lingerie that I haven't pulled out since our honeymoon.

I am torn. I have sympathy for your husband, I do. I am a boob lady? I like boob attention. I also have "technical issues" without boob foreplay. Sometimes that annoys my husband, who likes fondling my breasts well enough, but doesn't see why he has to do it every single damn time we have sex.

I just... have so much horror at the thought of weaning so early! I have a son who is 9 months right now. That would mean weaning him by, what, February? It seems so soon that I'm having guilt pangs just thinking about it.

Do see if your DH will take a compromise by agreeing to try some new non-boob-touching stuff. Ask him and let us know what he says!

Or maybe he can get riled up by looking at, I don't know, pictures of boobs? I don't know.

[KSLaura]

As the baby gets older, and with subsequent babies, you should have fewer 'techinical issues'.  Anyway, the baby won't nurse forever.  DH can wait or deal with it.    I'm still nursing my almost 4YO (about every other day).  My oldest nursed until she was 5.5.  It became less of an issue as they got older, nursed less, and consumed less milk.  Good luck! 

[lilitchka]

I think that the problem has nothing to do with your boobs or weaning.

It has to do with the difficulties your couple is going through now. the boob issue is just a symptom. the real cause is elsewear. it is not worth it to spend time and energy on a symptom. it will not cure the problem.
if you guys figure out why your marriage is rocky now, and get over this difficult period, the boob issue will solve itself. probably because you and your husband will find other exciting foreplay.

my DH is also a boob man, and I am a boob girl too. but we both know that hey are maid to nourish our kids first. just like the hands are not primarly made for sexe, but we all use them for sex. same with mouth, anus, etc.

I nursed DS1 for 2 and half years, weaned during m pregnancy. When he was 18-20 months, I became more confortBle using my breasts during sexe. now, with DS2, my breasts are comfortale during sexe since his birth.

I hope this helps. I wish you guys a short difficult period, and becoming stronger as a couple once it is over.