Need reassurance that TTC after 40 isn't crazy

[beingmommy]

Okay, I KNOW it's not actually crazy (and I have subscribed to the TTC 40+ thread) but I am having such a hard time with getting in a good headspace about it.

I turn 40 this October.  I have one DS who is 5 yrs old.  We always wanted more but DS has lots of health/dev issues (multiple life-threatening food allergies, asthma, verbal apraxia, sensory processing disorder, autism) and for a long time we thought we wouldn't have another,

THEN, early this year, DS was doing so well and we started thinking maybe we could do this.

We tried and I got pregnant on our second month of trying.  I was really excited.  The baby was due in December.  I was okay with being "just passed 40" when the baby was born.

Then we discovered at 11 weeks that I'd had a missed miscarriage. Super sad.

We started trying again this past month and sadly, I just got a BFN.

I am starting to feel anxious about "how old I am getting" 

At this point I will be well on my way towards 41 even if we got pregnant right a way.  And what if it takes months and months?  I admit I went into this cycle was feeling cocky because it happened easily last time.  Now, with us timing everything right and it not happening this cycle I am realizing it may take a while.

I am healthy.  I had a good pregnancy with DS and an easy, vaginal, drug-free hospital delivery with midwives. 

But I can't shake the feeling that I am running out of time.  That I am being "crazy" doing this.  That I should throw in the towel.  And this anxiety really doesn't help with the general anxiety around having another loss.

I just need reassurance that it will be okay. That if I am 41 or (gasp!) passed 41 it will still be okay.

Great stories of your pregnancies/births passed age 40 (especially at 41 or 42) would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[Stevi]

Well, I'm not sure how to respond... All of my friends think I'm crazy, so maybe I am.

I just turned 43, and I keep on trying. But I have recently begun to wonder if I'm just not able to succeed due to my age, or my health. I don't like that I may have allowed myself to get too old. It's depressing, so I usually try not to think about it.

[aHikaru]

If you can do it and you really want to, I say at least try...

My mom had me, her 3rd, 10yrs after her 2nd at 30, and said it was too much on her and her body, so she had a hysterectomy done shortly after, but that's just my honest answer. 

[CatsCradle]

I had my first and only DD at 42. It was a great pregnancy and at almost 49, I feel great and DD is a great joy. I think that if you are in good health and really desire to do this, you should focus on the positives of it. A lot of people in my generation have had children in their 40s and for many of my friends, it has been a positive experience. I just think, though that good overall health is an extremely important factor.

[jr'smom]

Good overall health is an important factor at any age.  Seems like we're all trained to have age bias.  Maybe I'm just getting sensitive as I approach 40 also.  I know many people who have had great pregnancies after 40.  It's nothing new.  A friend of my mother had her children at age 42 and 44.  I think if anything, you have more experience and appreciation (and possibly money) as an older mother.  Personally I see it as an advantage! 

[Casserole]

I have a friend who just had her 3rd at 44 and they're trying for their 4th, the father is 55. I see them and it's so normal, I don't think it's too old. If you're both healthy and in shape, I don't see any issue. Well wishes!

[jgallagher66]

I've been replying to some of these older mama threads because my younger kids have brought me so much joy and I don't want anyone to give up if another baby is what they want. I just had my 5th baby at 45. My 4th I delivered at 40 and I have 3 others in my 20's and 30's. My first 3 pregnancies went really well. My last two were harder with preterm labor requiring bedrest and even hospitalization. I know I'm so lucky to have 5 healthy children but I would do it again in a heartbeat. My age may be why I had preterm labor. Maybe it did or maybe something else caused it. I have had two miscarriages as well. One happened when I was 28. The other at 39. Age may have been a factor but it wasn't at age 28. I'm so glad to have each of my kids. I don't feel that being older is a problem as a parent. I'm so much more laid backand comfortable as a mom now. I think my younger ones will benefit from my experience and with me feeling so much more relaxed in my own skin. I think your experience with your older child would be great if you had another. If you want another you should try. I know so many friends that have had kids in their 40's and those kids are so lucky to have such wonderul parents. Good luck whatever you decide is right for you.

[beingmommy]

Thank you for these responses.  I want to believe it could work and be great. 

DH and I are pretty healthy.  I guess we could eat a little better, be a little thinner, exercise more but otherwise we're okay.  We're coming out of a rather negative few years with all the stressful stuff with DS and starting to be more positive and take better care of ourselves.  I want my 40s to be the decade I really blossom (since I never really did in my 20s or 30s - heh heh). 

So maybe that's it.  Attitude and care.  I want this to work. I really do.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by jr'smom 

Good overall health is an important factor at any age.  Seems like we're all trained to have age bias.  Maybe I'm just getting sensitive as I approach 40 also.  I know many people who have had great pregnancies after 40.  It's nothing new.  A friend of my mother had her children at age 42 and 44.  I think if anything, you have more experience and appreciation (and possibly money) as an older mother.  Personally I see it as an advantage! 

Good overall health is important at any age...very true.  To understand and relate to certain age constraints, though, is not bias, it is reality.  I'm not the same physical person that I was at 25.  I accept that and know it to be true, at least for me.  I appreciate where I am in my age group, but I think that I'm healthier than other people my age because I think I made a lot of "healthy" choices along the way that made me more ready to handle certain physical challenges including having a child in my 40s.  Personally, I think there is a lot of ageism thrown at people my age....including the idea that people my age should be grandmas and not mothers.  I think that is what makes me the most frustrated...the idea that I shouldn't have kids my age...not that I can do it.

[Shell77]

I really needed to read this... I am 39 and have been trying for a year ... DH is 38 ... I am turning 40 in 23 day's So I have been feeling the same way.. originally 40 was my cut off point I said " If we are not pg by 40 , then I am done!" But that is not true... we decided 41 is the cut off now LOL ... Hopefully I will get pg this month and get a bfp for my birthday :-) Good Luck ... and btw I do not feel old at all!! and I still get I.D. ed for wine when we go to dinner ..

[Stevi]

Shell77...   My cut off is around 45! lol

[anyalily]

I wanted to weigh in, although I am not in my 40s.

One thing is, if you have love for a baby and room in your life, and your health is strong enough that it will not zap you of your strength, then there is no reason to stop because there is a 4 in front of your age.

Another is that women have been having babies in their 40s forever. Fertility is fertility. Either ya got it or ya don't.

But the main thing I want to share is that I had my DD at 26, but because I was overweight and depressed, I felt like I was 100 years old. I know in my heart of hearts that I could have been 20 years older and in better shape and I would have had a much better experience. I actually really struggle with that right now, because at 30 I am TTC again and I am even heavier and more depleted than the first time around. I feel older than my DH sometimes, and he is 44.

[Stevi]

Anyalily...   I'm glad you brought up the health part. I don't think being in "perfect" health is really as important as it is being made out to be. Women with health problems have healthy pregnancies every day! Asthma, heart problems, immune disorders, weight, etc... Since I have a chronic illness myself, I guess I'm a little touchy about the subject. But really, I see women with the most difficult health issues imaginable having babies, so I feel unless your health directly negatively effects the growing baby, then there is no reason even health should get in the way. And honestly? I would gladly spend my entire pregnancy in misery, if the result were a healthy baby. And I am sure many women feel the same way.

[Daffodil]

I had DD at 40 (almost 41), and it took IVF to make it happen.  When I finally got my period back after having her, I was closing in on 43, and TTC seemed worth a try but obviously pretty unlikely to succeed.  But guess what?  I got pregnant - naturally - on our very first try.  I got the positive pregnancy test on the morning of my 43rd birthday.  My pregnancy was totally uneventful and I had a healthy little boy who is now 6.  So TTC when you're not even quite 40 yet and have no history of infertility (and in fact already got pregnant earlier this year) doesn't seem at all crazy to me.

[beingmommy]

Oh thanks for the responses!  This is helping alot.  I KNOW I want this.  I think I am healthy enough for it.  I know we have enough love and hope for it.  I just need to get over this age thing. I DO know I am older and I may not bounce back as quickly and will need to make sure I take care of myself.  But this is good. I am feeling better about it.

[Julia07]

My grandmother was 48 when she had my mom - both healthy.  Good luck!

[sundaya]

Just had to pop in with another "go-for-it"

I had my first at 21, my second at 41, and my third at 43, just a few weeks shy of 44. My second was the hardest pregnancy. My third was the easiest, by far easier than the first. I bounced back much more quickly, felt great by the next morning. I had to keep reminding myself to slow down a bit, I just had a baby.   If my fertility comes back from nursing before menopause comes knocking, I'm hoping for just one more (or 2....). Every pregnancy is different, at any age. And every woman's fertility is different as well. Good luck!!

[beingmommy]

This is fantastic!  Exactly what I needed to hear. I DO feel like I am healthier and so much more aware of things now than when I was younger. 

[TenzinsMama]

Wonderful good news stories on here, I say go for it!  It's helpful for me to read, too!  (I want one more...) 

[NaomiJoy2]

I know this thread is over a week old but I just have to comment.  I have no idea how old your dh is but his age can be a factor as well.  I am 38 but my now XH was 67 when he and I were last trying and I had a mc.  After doing a lot of research, we found that his age may have had a great deal to do with not conceiving and then having a mc.  Sperm in men over age 40 start showing signs of aging - more non-motile sperm and more sperm that show abnormalities.  After doing much research over the last few weeks, I have decided that when I choose a donor for AI, he will not be over the age of 40 as the mc rate greatly increases.