When are you obligated to tell a friend that your kids are vaccinated differently?

[ElsieLC]

When do you feel *obligated* to tell a conventionally-vaccinating friend about your decision to vaccinate selectively?

I've been around other moms who've joked offhandedly about "those mothers who don't believe vaccination works" and I just change the subject.

But a new situation has come up. Another mom and I carpool our kids to preschool. I haven't told her that my kid isn't vaccinated. But lately she has been talking more about vaccinations. In addition to her preschooler, she also has a baby, so the subject comes up more. I don't know her well enough to know if she would want to stop carpooling if she learned about this issue. I would really miss the carpool (and I would miss seeing my mom-friend every day).

(I am planning to do some vaccinations. We just haven't done them yet, which is why I posted in this forum.)

How have you talked to other moms about this? What did you say? What reaction did you get?

[marsupial-mom]

It sounds like she assumes your children are vaxxed. You should correct this assumption.

Especially if you suspect that she'd stop carpooling then you should tell her. It's obviously important to her and she's given you the opportunity to share your kids' status by bringing up the topic. Give her the courtesy of being honest.

She should NOT have to ask point blank "are your kids vaxxed?" bringing up the topic and sharing her views should be enough. There's no good reason to be sneaky.

Edited typos. Sorry.
Edited by marsupial-mom - 9/4/12 at 6:58am

[rachelsmama]

I think you are only obligated to tell if she asks.  If her vaccine discussions are sounding like she's not completely comfortable with the schedule, perhaps you could point out to her that she has options, but if she's concerned about the vaccination status of the people her kids are around, then it's her responsibility to ask.
 

[emmy526]

One thing to remember in saying anything at all, is that her kids WILL come into contact with lots of people who either not vaccinated, partially vaccinated, or not vaccinated at all, and chances of her kids coming into contact with those types of people esp in school is the way life is...i'd bring that piece of info up when discussing who should or should not be around unvaxed, or vaxed kids....If it were me, i'd be matter of fact about it, and that is just how life is for our family and the decisions we made as parents really aren't anyone's business, decisions being medical ones or not. Your decision not to vax has no place in a  convo when talking about carpooling-it makes no sense to.....  If the mom really wants to stop carpooling because of the issue of your kids, then you haven't lost much of a friend, and it shows you how closed minded she is as well.  Otoh, this could be a time to educate her if she shows interest.  I, personally, have never gotten into talking about vaccines, ever, with any of my kids friends' parents even when they were younger (they are older teens now)...there was just no need to bring up the subject, and they certainly never did.  

About the only time i would feel 'obligated' to let a friend know, is if my child received a live virus vax, and was going to see an immuno-compromised person, who may be at risk of catching the 'shedding'...

For now, i think you should just let her lead the conversations on the issue, and if she asks you directly, then tell her your beliefs.  

Originally Posted by ElsieLC 

When do you feel *obligated* to tell a conventionally-vaccinating friend about your decision to vaccinate selectively?

I've been around other moms who've joked offhandedly about "those mothers who don't believe vaccination works" and I just change the subject.

But a new situation has come up. Another mom and I carpool our kids to preschool. I haven't told her that my kid isn't vaccinated. But lately she has been talking more about vaccinations. In addition to her preschooler, she also has a baby, so the subject comes up more. I don't know her well enough to know if she would want to stop carpooling if she learned about this issue. I would really miss the carpool (and I would miss seeing my mom-friend every day).

(I am planning to do some vaccinations. We just haven't done them yet, which is why I posted in this forum.)

How have you talked to other moms about this? What did you say? What reaction did you get?

[kathymuggle]

If she brings it up again I would casually let her know you are delaying vaxxes for the moment.

It sounds to me like one of the following:

-she is unsure of vaxxing.  In real life, people do not keep bringing things up when their mind is settled

-she really is worried about her kids being around unvaxxed kids.

For the most part I do not believe unvaxxed kids are more of a threat than anyone else.  My beliefs might not be hers, however, so I would tell her and let her make a parental decision on this issue.

I do not usually go around telling people my kids are unvaxxed for a variety of reasons.

This situation is different though - she is a friend, you are in an enclosed space with her daily, and she obviously has some concerns of some sort….

I would let her know.  If she doesn't want to drive with you over vax status, this is something you want to know.   I do not think I would want to drive with someone on a daily basis who was worried (even illogically, imho) about my kids giving hers an illness.

[mysticmomma]

Never. If my kids were running around with typhoid or something I'd tell her. To me telling her that my children aren't vaccinated is just like telling her that they DON'T have a cold. Unless there is some ACTUAL risk involved (not perceived/misinformed in the mothers head), I wouldn't share the information unless asked. If asked, I would say that you've decided with your doctor to use a different schedule.
 

[Taximom5]

I think that, if she's the one who feels strongly about it, then it's her responsibility to ask every parent about their child's vaccine status, if she wants to keep her kid away from the "dangerous unvaxed children."

That means that she has to do more than refuse to carpool with an unvaxed child. 

She can't let her child get in the car with adults who are not fully caught up on their boosters,or sit next to unvaxed children in school.  She can't take her child to the grocery store.  She can't let her child eat any foods that might have been prepared by anyone not caught up on their boosters. If she takes her child to the movies, she can't let her child sit next to anyone who is not fully vaxed.  She can't take her child to public restrooms, because somebody unvaxed will have touched the door to the toilet stall.

Do you see how ridiculous this gets?

Since pertussis can be transmitted by even fully vaxed people, if she's that scared, she's going to have to isolate her child to keep from being exposed to the scary germs.

[Jennyanydots]

I agree with PPs who have said they would not offer the information. Your non or partially vaxxed child, if healthy, is not going to spread illness any more than anyone else's healthy child, regardless of what medications they've had.

The only reason I ever consider bringing up the fact that my youngest is unvaxxed is to try to normalize the concept. It's such a decisive topic, and I think if more people who are inclined to go along with standard recommendations see that other families they know- who are not tin foil hat wearing weirdos- question the schedule, it might change some minds and make asking questions about how much is too much seem ok.

[ma2two]

If you tell her, and she stops her kids from being exposed to your unvaccinated kids, then they'll still be exposed to my unvaccinated kids. Not mine in particular, of course, but the unvaccinated kids of another parent who sees it as nobody else's business.

I have a responsibility to keep my kids home when they are sick. If I vaccinated, I would also feel a responsibility to keep them home for awhile after any live virus vaccine, including  3 weeks after FluMist. That would make my life much more complicated. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that. Not that anybody who vaccinates does, however.

[fruitfulmomma]

If she asks or outright tells you that she doesn't want her kids to be exposed to un/under vaxxed kids I think you need to be honest, but I agree it is ridiculous to assume that they won't be exposed to them elsewhere.

[rdehoff-us]

Well when I was first researching vaccines I asked certain friends if they had any advice or concerns over vaccines.  I think if some of the friends had been hesitant before it definitely brought us closer when we discovered how much we had in common or how much we had to debate about lol.  Now that I've made my decision to only selectively vax on a delayed schedule I am usually pretty quiet about my views.  Its only really uncomfortable when the subject of vaccination is brought up, because I'm somewhere between the two groups and I find both to be somewhat judgmental of the other.  Nevertheless, I've been asked directly a few times and I gave my honest, but brief answer sparing them some of the details.  I figure if they are really worried about it they'll ask me more questions or come back later with their contrasting concerns.  I've been rejected by some friends, but you'll find out who your real friends are in the process and maybe even stir up some research in others as well.

[Blt178]

I have thought about this too as my children are so far unvaxed (considering selective vax after age 2).... What I decided is that I don't feel I need to volunteer that info. I won't lie if asked directly (which happened recently in front of my MIL who was horrified to learn the truth!) but it isn't like being in a car with your kids is harmful to her kids. They aren't latent carriers of disease just because they haven't been vaccinated.

Just my 2 cents but i don't think you owe her any up front explanations.

[rdehoff-us]

Oh I'm sorry I can't imagine negative comments from family.  I'm lucky most of the people on both sides of our family are older and give me the "back in my day we didn't have all those shots for everything" line. The illnesses they did get vaccinated for were for things like Polio and are not really a concern today.  So even then they are pretty understanding.  They looked all perplexed when they hear doctors are vaccinating babies for the Chickenpox and Measles.  My sister-in-laws will probably be less supportive since they do everything by the books medically speaking, but so far they haven't asked so I haven't said anything.  My one husband's brother's wife is going into child welfare so I don't exactly want to solicit the information if I don't have to even though legally as of the present we are in the right with legal documentation of a religious exemption, got legal counseling, etc.  She starts looking kind of twitchy when I change his diaper in the living room or he gets a scrape on his knee... then she got all worked up because his thumb is raw from sucking his thumb constantly.  I'm hoping her hyper newness to the system wears off before we have this conversation lol.

[marsupial-mom]

How about the next time she brings up vaccinations you ask her "would you want to know who is vaxxed and who isn't?" If she says yes, you tell her.

[ElsieLC]

Update--I did tell my friend. I let it come up as part of the conversation. She seemed startled for a minute, but I don't know if it was because she hadn't met an actual person who didn't vaccinate their child. DD is scheduled to do one kind of vax, and I asked my friend for some tips (and she was reassuring). She seemed fine about it. I'm glad that's out of the way.

I was surprised to hear how few people have discussed it with friends, but glad for the validation that it's very personal information.

I have had one conversation with MIL about why we haven't been doing vaccines. She wanted to talk about it at length, but after I felt I'd given her enough information, and had heard her point of view, I said "I don't want to talk about it anymore...neither of us is going to change the other person's mind." I really like my MIL and this is maybe the only significant topic on which we disagree...I worried that a conversation with a friend could be even harder. But it was fine.