Dingoes Step Into September YMMV - Page 6

[kerc]

Originally Posted by Realrellim 

Geo--I have the solution. You need to move to Colorado and send your kids to R's school. It would mitigate the bullying and should take care of the academic stuff on both ends too because our school is really flexible in working to meet social/emotional/academic needs without getting stuck on age/grade expectations. You have a fabulous professional record, so you shouldn't have trouble securing a spot at one of our fabulous universities (no, not mine, though they do have a new science building and would probably jump at the opportunity--

I've said the same thing about here. BUT there's the Mr Geofizz problem to also consider.

Commune. It's the only option.

Also, I have another idea. And since the administration seems to consistently send the message (intentionally or not) that it is ok to bully someone different, it seems like maybe the thing to do is to get behind the idea at looking at diversity. Your widowed mom friend gets crap from adults who live a different life. Your kid gets crap for being different. You live in a pretty (surficially) homogenous community. What you begin a campaign to celebrate diversity (other than the obvious racial diversity that most people think of). 

And also: annual fall f*r*e*a*k out by oldest in full effect. GAH!!!!!!!

[MelW]

Originally Posted by Plady 

MelW -  what's MPH?  Masters in Public Health?

Yes! Social policy/determinants of health/health promotion kind of stream.

And as much as I love getting credit for the other Mel's long runs, instead I just to her. You rock!

Nic, I love your goals. Tuck them somewhere that you need to see them every day. Big hugs- you're amazing.

Mommajb, I'm also in awe of the insane schedule. I hope you find something workable.

jo, have a terrific wedding. May it be the beautiful, relaxed celebration you dream of.

Geo, NOOOOOOO!!! Mama needs a run for sure.

kerc, fingers crossed for a clutch miracle (or at least a not-too-expensive repair).

bec, I'm glad you had such good success with the math teacher match :)

RR- Bootcamp last night. My abs are not in as much pain this morning as they were last Saturday. This morning was a bunch of yardwork, too, with the good worked muscle feelings.

NRR- Lice. Me and both girls. We found them late Thursday morning on my oldest, whipped home to wet comb before her "spark interview" and IEP planning at the new school, then picked up the littlest from preschool to find her scratching. More wet combing and massive amounts of laundry, a run back to the new school for the family gathering corn roast and picnic (the school hired a jazz trio to play- how cool?), then home for more wet combing and laundry and laundry. We seem to be winning the battle- the youngest and I appear to be nit free this morning, and the oldest only had a couple on her latest wet comb. Bleh.

I have a second round interview/community meet and greet next week for the community health job. I also have a million thoughts about my life and career that I may take to the yahoo group later this afternoon.

[Geofizz]

So I was made aware of all this not by DD, but by the mom of a kid who is currently a bystander in the situation.  The mom has spent the week trying to coach her daughter how to confront the brat.  This kid is at her wits end had had become reluctant to do anything, and was becoming worried about going back to school.  The mom contacted me and asked if it was ok to contact the principal asking for help.

This mom and I have spent quite a bit of time getting to know one another this summer.  Our girls' experiences at the school have been nearly identical, and the girls slowly started to find each other last spring.  We spent the summer solidifying the friendship, and along the way, discovering just how parallel our lives have been. 

Originally Posted by kerc 

Also, I have another idea. And since the administration seems to consistently send the message (intentionally or not) that it is ok to bully someone different, it seems like maybe the thing to do is to get behind the idea at looking at diversity. Your widowed mom friend gets crap from adults who live a different life. Your kid gets crap for being different. You live in a pretty (surficially) homogenous community. What you begin a campaign to celebrate diversity (other than the obvious racial diversity that most people think of). 

I don't think the principal and vice principal are entirely clueless, and they certainly don't condone any of this cr&p.  They do have a lot on their plates, however, as the school is coming out of state oversight on their special ed process.  This oversight, by the way, is what got DD onto her IEP so easily. 

I've had some general discussions with the vice principal about the local culture, and I've given specific examples, like the neighbor who told me that DS wouldn't make the right connections at the preschool we chose for him.  I brought up that I get constant, low level advice from teachers that it would just be "easier" for DD if she watched more TV.   I haven't pointed out to her that DD's age has been brought up in every single meeting we've had with the school about her education (all in which we discuss how far ahead the curriculum DD is).  Nor have I brought up that it's ok for kids to get themselves around the neighborhood unless they have a single mom.  If they've got a single mom, and the kids get themselves one block to school, then it's neglectful.  I don't know if the vice principal is aware of the three-tiered social structure according to which pool you use (country club, swim and racket club, vs the <gasp> public pool).  Kids growing up in these environments are not learning about respecting those with even mild differences.

I am considering getting a few of these parents together who have had kids suffer for being different, and have a more general meeting with the school.  Myself and another mom in that meeting would be the ones there responsible for getting the school $50k in grant money through which we've nearly solved the school's transportation safety issues through walk to school efforts.  The mom's I've talked to span the three social tiers, and all the stories are dramatically similar.

So I can solve the problems by taking my kids out.  I know of a few families that have transferred to the local catholic school.  This school couldn't handle the math and reading demands my kids put on their schools.  There are three fancy-pants private schools (two kid's tuition would be 2/3 of DH's gross salary), but of course the rareified atmosphere is worse there, and according to DD's therapist, "relational aggression" is really severe at these schools, and it gets worse as the kids move to middle school then high school.

RR:  Ran 7 miles this morning at 50F.  Ahhhhh.

[Shantimama]

Jo - I can't wait to see pictures and I hope everything goes smoothly this week!

Nic - you are doing it! You may feel frazzled but you are already sounding more confident than you were a few weeks ago. You are amazing 

Geo  - the bullying stuff makes me crazy. I think it is so deeply entrenched in our schools and society that it feels like moving a mountain to change it. I think it is possible but it is such hard work and it enrages me that it still goes on.

I have 2 dd's who get bitten hard by the PMS monster. I think it may have bitten me too when I was sleeping this week and things weren't pretty for about 24 hours. I think I might have to make a note on my calendar when to expect it because dd1 is doing so well on so many fronts but about once a month it all comes apart and we have a total mess on our hands. I need to prepare myself better, that is the only solution I can think of. Maybe I can remind myself to bake a huge chocolate cake for the girls once a month and see if that tames the monster a little bit. I don't know what to do.

ds is okay. We finally got into the neurology clinic and had very encouraging news and it was really helpful. We are on a new treatment path because the pediatrician made a ton of mistakes in his care for ds and we are all hoping that he will have everything under control and may even be allowed to drive six months from now. We won't ever be going back to that pediatrician.

I am working about three days a week at the cafe again and this is a much easier schedule. It is only for another month and then it closes for the year. I have already been offered a job there next year if I want. I really hope to be on to something better by then but it is nice to know I have a back up option if it is needed. Not sure how I would manage physically but maybe that can help me stay on task when the school work bogs me down through the fall and winter.

[kerc]

Originally Posted by Shantimama 

Geo  - the bullying stuff makes me crazy. I think it is so deeply entrenched in our schools and society that it feels like moving a mountain to change it.

Yes. this. I experience bullying at work. But what can you do? One person vs. the culture doesn't do it.  Slowly though, I do think we can be the change.

Switching schools: it does seem like there isn't a perfect option. If there WAS a perfect option, well then, we'd be there already.

Shantimama I am so so so glad to hear that the neurologist was helpful. Especially after so long of a wait.

Clutch miracle. Love the idea of it. But the reality involves me riding the bus to/from work for a few weeks. This involves 2 x 90 minute commutes. It is just under what Lisa was talking about commuting for the job she was toying with applying for. It makes life h*ll for the rest of my family and therefore is not long-term attainable.

[Realrellim]

Originally Posted by sparkletruck 

Real - Have you ever heard of "the naked guy"? Well, the naked guy was a fixture on my campus as an undergrad; he was a student, and I kid you not, he wore a backpack and that's it.

I shouldn't be, but I am. Honestly, the guy who regularly exposes himself isn't a laughing matter either considering that we have sexual assaults--or more commonly, attempted sexual assaults--at the far edges of campus (like where I get off light rail and park) every few years too. Probably not the same guy though. It also helps that our students and faculty know this is a downtown campus and we get stuff that most campuses don't. And that most of us are perfectly willing to beat the crap out of anyone who threatens our right to park in the cheaper lots on the outskirts.

Mel38 - I am in freaking AWE of you! And then to finish the post you say "and now I need to go find something to do" as if running 16 miles before your kids leave for school isnt enough for the DAY!

Originally Posted by Nickarolaberry 

I am trying really hard to: a) be authentic with my emotions with myself and examine where I want to go from here (i.e. marriage, friends, etc.); b) figure out my next running goal/race because if I have no goal, I lose focus and it just doesn't seem to matter very much;  and c) keep my head above water with household tasks, work, etc. so I can be really present with my kids. 

You can do it. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by kerc 

I've said the same thing about here. BUT there's the Mr Geofizz problem to also consider.

What does Mr. Geofizz do?

Geo--our school has an anti-bullying student committee that meets monthly or something like that. It's just one of the things they do. I should probably also clarify that I live in the district that includes Columbine HS. Yes, that one. So our district kind of likes to stay on top of bullying and similar issues as you might imagine. There are a number of programs through the county sheriff's department and the schools to address these issues and I can get you more information if you're interested.

Changing schools can be helpful, but you need two things to make it really work. First, she's going to need to feel confident enough to walk in, be herself, and be confident about being herself. (Easier said than done, especially at her age. I was 15 when we finally left the rural school district where I'd spent most of eighth grade and all of freshman year without any real friends at lunch or after school. I did make one good friend freshman year, but she was an equally awkward and bright senior going into a career in physics, making us two of the least popular kids in that high school). I'm not suggesting that being insecure attracts bullying, but rather that being (or seeming) self-confident enough helps deflect it. I also had the summer to practice and had thought a lot about how I was going to introduce myself and what I would say in response to rude comments.

But the other thing that's really important is that she can be surrounded by a group of peers academically. The new high school had an honors program and for the first time in my life, I was surrounded by 20-30 other geeks and nerds in some of my classes (I did honors English and history, but college-prep math and science, mostly because I didn't have enough confidence in my math skills, and because my rural district didn't offer algebra until freshman year and the honors kids all started algebra in eighth grade). Having a tribe just in those classes, for once, was huge for my confidence levels. I stuck out a bit more in the college-prep courses and stuff like gym (Illinois mandated one period of PE every day all for all four years of high school) but I was confident enough and there were so many different groups that the atmosphere was different. It's also one of the reasons we are sooooo thankful for our district's G&T classrooms and the fact that R is in one. (And the fact that while I'd hardly call R confident, she has so far managed to be supremely clueless or unconcerned about what other kids are doing and really comfortable in her own skin. Everyone else has such-and-such a toy? She doesn't care. She's eating a different snack from everybody else? She doesn't care. She hears on a regular basis how she's really short? She's like "yep." It does help to have me as a role model, because her classmates regularly come up to me and tell me I'm short. I'm like "yep, it happens."

Shanti--so glad you finally were able to get decent medical advice for your son and he's doing better.

kerc--sorry about the long commute. FWIW, DH and I sometimes sleep on the bus. I used to do it on a regular basis when commuting to Boulder, but there is the danger you'll sleep through your stop. Yes, I did once. Just set an alarm on your phone and all will be well, unless you're stuck with transferring frequently. DH can read and edit stuff on the bus (~30-45 minute commute). Reading on the bus makes me nauseous, but I do a ton of knitting and podcast listening. (My current commute involves a 5-10 minute drive to the park & ride, a 15-minute bus commute to the light-rail station and about 10 minutes on light rail, of which 5 is sitting at the station waiting for the train to leave. It's not ideal for sleeping but great for knitting and catching up on podcasts.) I really hope your clutch gets fixed soon though. Commuting by bus when you'd rather not isn't fun.

RR: will run later today. Apparently I'm going to run a 5K tomorrow, wearing the all-important campaign shirt.

NRR: wimped out on campaigning door-to-door today. I have signed up for my neighborhood, but this Saturday was further south and either meant driving a good 30 minutes to one of the locations or driving less but being in a neighborhood that's a bit more sketchy. If we went in pairs it would be ok, except that so few people signed up that I'd probably be knocking on doors by myself. (The goal was 120 people total covering three areas; the reality was 21 people signed up total.) And I'm a chicken. I'll do it in my own neighborhood, in a few weeks, but I also know the area really well from having run through this set of neighborhoods so often.
Edited by Realrellim - 9/15/12 at 2:00pm

[Geofizz]

Sparkle, you didn't go to Berkeley, did you, or was there another campus in the late 80s, early 90s with a naked guy?

---------------

Real, does your district use a particular curriculum for the anti-bullying initiative, or is it home grown?  I do like the idea of having a student group, but it would need a lot of support, otherwise leading to further power plays amongst the kids.

Mr Geofizz is a mechanical engineer specializing in scientific instrument design, though lately applying that as a large structure engineer (amusement park rides, wind turbines, coal vehicles).  Finding him a job here has been a major stressor in our lives and relationship.  We moved here for my job.  Moving will take a lot.

Don't get me wrong about the whole changing schools thing -- I see it as a series of bad options, each fixing one issue while creating others.  We've been finding the academic peers slowly over time, and middle school and high school will improves these things as tracking sets in.  We've had lots of luck finding peers through summer programs.  This doesn't do much for the friend issue the rest of the year except to give DD the confidence that others like her exist.  

The mom of the kid-turned-bystander and I have talked mostly in jest about hiring someone to run school for our combined 4 kids.  It would cost a whole lot less than private and would be infinitely tunable.  Not realistic, though, for so many reasons.  My mom has suggested this to me with real seriousness, particularly to serve DS, whose math won't be served by anything but one fancy pants private that's 20 miles away.  I've also toyed with the idea of "office schooling" my kids, also idealistic and completely unrealistic and inappropriate.

---------------

DS just spent his afternoon setting off rockets at the middle school track.  Growing up I'd decided that boy scouts was all about blowing sh!t up.  I've not seen anything convincing me otherwise yet.

---------------

DD's book club wants to choose their next book.  They want the next one to be non fiction.  I went to the library today for ideas.  Blessed be the children's librarians.  Any ideas?  I brought home:

Bulu: African Wonder Dog

Three Cups of Tea (young reader's version)

Hana's Suitcase

True Green Kids

What the World Eats

Sugar Changed the World

Friends: Making them and Keeping Them

Edited by Geofizz - 9/15/12 at 3:48pm

[sparkletruck]

Originally Posted by Geofizz 

Sparkle, you didn't go to Berkeley, did you, or was there another campus in the late 80s, early 90s with a naked guy?

we've talked about that commonality, and I gave you sh** for never running the fire-trail while you were there
Edited by sparkletruck - 9/15/12 at 9:36pm

[Realrellim]

Geo--Denver has two amusement parks and a lot of wind power turbines going up these days. As far as bullying, we have a "Bully Proofing Committee," described like this on our elementary school's website:

The BPC is made up of one student from every class at HH and is run by Ms. ---. They meet once a month and work on activities that address the welcoming environment of our school. Ms. --- often teaches the students a lesson that focuses on dealing with peer conflicts. The BPC members return to their classes and pass along what they have learned. The is the BPC's 5th year and its member change every fall.

It's possible that some of the principles are based on the book Bully-Proofing Your School, or at least principles from it. All of the schools in our district need to address bullying in some way (From the district website: "Schools work to minimize security issues by implementing positive behavior and anti-bullying programs"), but there's flexibility as far as the programs or methods they choose. My psychologist DH just explained that usually, these committees pick kids who are likely to bully, the theory being that bullies want power and a valued social role, and being on the committee and being able to tell their class what they learned gives them both--and often it makes them a protector instead of an aggressor.

The administration makes a great deal of difference too. The principal during R's kindergarten year was very good about contacting parents if there'd been a situation in class. Last year's principal was rather ineffective (in part because she had recurring vertigo and had to stay home frequently) and one parent was talking about how one of her kids had trouble with another kid last year. The principal hadn't been informed and the parent hadn't contacted the principal about it though, so the problem basically remained unaddressed. This year (with our new principal) she demanded that her child be placed in a class where that kid wasn't, and that was honored.

Overall though, I think a lot of what's been working at our school is that our school works really hard to give students problem-solving strategies from the beginning. Even the subs do. I was volunteering last year when some kid said something mean to another kid and the sub got involved. The victim was able to tell the other child how she felt when ___ was said, and the other kid listened respectfully. Then the victim went to her desk, but the other kid wanted to apologize and the teacher was careful to gently tell the victim, "I think M wants to tell you something. How can you let her know you're listening?" and M very sincerely apologized for what she said and the victim did manage to convey that she was listening rather than just give M the cold shoulder. I was most impressed that it tried very hard to foster actual communication rather than flippant apologies and pouting. Both DH and I have thought we might have navigated our elementary and middle school years a lot more easily had someone taught us these techniques starting in kindergarten. It's not perfect, of course. I can think of two kids who basically ended their school year without people who wanted to hang around them--but in both cases, it was kids with clinical behavior issues who were constantly in trouble and constantly saying mean things or being physical with other kids. It's not bullying to avoid a perceived bully.

This year, they're basically following this strategies: "when you do ___, I feel ___. I need ____. Could you _____?" They are currently hanging outside R's classroom, presumably so the kids can see them before they go in for the day and probably again when they come in from recess. And there's the "talk it out spot" in her classroom where kids can go when they are having a disagreement. The "talk it out spot" has all sorts of strategies kids can use to solve a dispute. R's used it once with another kid this year. They both wanted the same book in the reading area, so they went there, decided their strategy would be to play rock, paper scissors for it and it was done. (I'm going to guess the rock paper scissors came after they both stated that they both wanted to read the same book.) The whole school also does a very basic problem-solving strategy for kids, which is this: if someone is doing something that bothers you, ask them to stop. If they don't stop, move away. If they don't stop then, get an adult. Students can always get an adult earlier in the process if they feel threatened, but this process seems to help them feel like they have some control over the situation and aren't at the mercy of getting an adult to intervene.

I'd guess the strategies get more complex as the kids and nastiness escalates.

Ugh. I feel so badly for your DD. That stuff is sooooooooooo very hard. I remember writing stuff as early as third grade about how I wished I were just average so people wouldn't make fun of me.

[kerc]

Originally Posted by Geofizz 

---------------

DD's book club wants to choose their next book.  They want the next one to be non fiction.  I went to the library today for ideas.  Blessed be the children's librarians.  Any ideas?  I brought home:

Bulu: African Wonder Dog

Three Cups of Tea (young reader's version)

Hana's Suitcase

True Green Kids

What the World Eats

Sugar Changed the World

Friends: Making them and Keeping Them

well although I loved three cups of tea, I'm now not so in love since apparently it isn't non-fiction.

[Plady]

Originally Posted by kerc 

well although I loved three cups of tea, I'm now not so in love since apparently it isn't non-fiction.

Yeah.  The Sugar one looks interesting too though.  Well, they all do but I'm all into demonizing sugar these days.

Kerc - Ack!  I'll try to manifest you a perfect clutch.  Do you have any kind of local craigs list that might have a good used one?

Geo - So sorry about the early onset of bullying.  It really does seem like a crazy issue these days everywhere, but maybe we're all just paying attention and not just chalking it off to something everyone has to go through on their way to adulthood.

Shanti - Glad you finally got some competent help for ds!  Whew! 

Jo - Wishing you an amazing wedding event of the century!

Gar, I'm sorry, I'm here with half a brain.  I got my Macbeth cast (called all 50 kids, 6 adults with roles and 10 kids who didn't make the cut this morning) and now I've got to do the final refining of the script so that it isn't too dumb but isn't too advanced or too gory or too tame or too short or too long.  I really need a run but we all know that isn't going to happen.  But at least boxing is starting up again on Tuesday so that should whip me into shape (or at least into submission) pretty quickly.

I'll try to have my wits more about me when I come back next time. 

[Geofizz]

Yeah, I know it's not so much non fiction, but it satisfies my other criteria.  ;)  The sugar one doesn't look to be all sugar is evil, but more of how it played into a lot of political development over the centuries (though often times in evil ways).

As I gripe about all the BS in this town, a lot of parents aware of what's been going on with DD have stepped up this weekend and proactively tried to help.  One took DD out to ice cream to talk to her about how she'd been tormented as a kid, and things she learned to deal with it (both self confidence even when she didn't feel confident, and doing things like going to school clean).  I'm grateful and hopeful.

Real, more amazing info, thanks.  I also got a ton of info from a friend who moved from here to Detroit.  Their school district looks at least as proactive as yours, maybe even more so.  I'm feeling armed if and when I approach the administration more generally.

[bec]

So, DH forwarded me this article.  It's just, well. Wow. Kip Litton

[Plady]

Wow!  That's ballsy!  And who has the time and money to sped on all that deception?  Crazy.

[JayGee]

Originally Posted by Plady 

Wow!  That's ballsy!  And who has the time and money to sped on all that deception?  Crazy.

No kidding! And why?

Super sick this weekend. I know it is way early for the flu, but I think it's what I have. Body aches, headache, fever and a bad cough. Luckily, DH did a great job of picking up the slack. I still feel crappy this morning.

[Realrellim]

Just popping in with a request for prayers/good vibes/whatever good stuff you can send into the universe for my sister and her new baby boy. She wasn't due until sometime around Thanksgiving but starting showing signs of pre-eclampsia this week. It did turn into pre-e and she apparently had a placental abruption last night. They rushed her to the hospital and the baby was born via c-section, about 10 weeks early, last night. He's 2 lbs 3 oz; they transported him to a Level III NICU in Denver a few hours later. He came out able to breathe on his own, though he was working hard at it as you'd imagine. He's been intubated, of course. His color was also good, which is really fabulous under the circumstances.

My sister is also doing ok. She'd already had some swelling in her face, but no protein in her urine as of her checkup on Wednesday. They did bloodwork and thought it was safe to have her come back in a week. This weekend she started having swelling in her feet and ankles. She wasn't feeling well by dinnertime and finally put in a call to the doctor because her blood pressure was going up more (I'd given her a battery-operated cuff that I'd gotten while pregnant with J after having had pre-e with R), but then she was just standing in the kitchen and started bleeding. So they called 911 and/or the doctor called them back and said to get her to the hospital immediately, or both. She went by ambulance to the nearest hospital and they were prepping her for a c-section within the hour. They did a spinal but it didn't take effect quickly enough so they put her under. They were able to bring the baby to her so she could see him before they flew him out. Meanwhile, they put her on some magnesium and although unpleasant, her blood pressure is back to more reasonable levels. When the paramedics were there, it was something like 214/110, and they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. My parents had just happened to stop by their house when everything happened, so they stayed with my niece and calmed her down, and I came over to help clean up the blood and get her ready for bed and her stuff ready for school.

All things considered, I'm feeling optimistic. I was nothing short of terrified when mom called and said they'd rushed her to the hospital and couldn't find a heartbeat. I know stuff with pre-e can go downhill freakishly fast, but after the call, DH was telling me that she'd been more swollen that morning at church (I'd missed it to do a charity run instead) and that the baby hadn't been as active. And then mom told me she hadn't felt the baby moving for a while...so yeah. But he was breathing and his color was good and they are going to be ok.

If you have any advice for the next few/several weeks, that would be helpful. R was only in the NICU for a week and she was full-term and twice the size of this one. (My advice to BIL was this: he's going to be ok, but the NICU experience stinks. Also, the nurses are awesome in every way, except they can be really difficult to deal with sometimes. But they have wicked good skills for the tiny ones.)

tjsmama--baby was transported to St. Luke's from St. Anthony North, if you're wondering or have specific advice. St. Anthony North was her last choice as you might imagine but the paramedics were pretty clear that she needed to be at the closest hospital.

[sparkletruck]

Real - I have two friends whose babies were born at 30 weeks. Both were in the NICU for awhile, and it was scary, but both did great and are now healthy and wonderful kiddos. Her baby sounds like he is doing really well. I think she is very lucky that she caught everything when she did and that he is such a tough little boy! I am sending her and him lots of

[Plady]

Real - Lots of heading their way.  I'm so glad everyone is stable and getting the care they need.  What a scary weekend for everyone!

[Geofizz]

Best wishes to your sister and baby.

Get in touch with LLLisa, too.  All three of hers were born at about that gestation, IIRC. 
 

[MelW]

Preemie-wise, 30 weekers generally do quite well. The NICU experience can we overwhelming and exhausting in a two-steps forward, one-step back way. One day baby is gaining weight and feeding, the next de-satting and on CPAP, etc.

She'll need to work hard to find "balance" with her recovery from pre-e and presumable blood loss. Eat, pump, visit baby and sleep. Find a good LC. Remember that it is *her* baby, not the NICU's (some nurses and neonatologists may disagree- and need gentle reminders).

Big hugs to your family, real.